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, ____, ( 24/11/01 anada480 ,
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/ \+------ _| ) | |(_|(_|(_|_ .net------/ )----.-' `./-/ \
/ / ( |__, ( ( ,' `/ /|
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\ / "Belated Grocery Store Rantings" `. , \ \ / |
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/ by Inkslinger ( ; mEoW!@/| '
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|____________________ Anada is cat-friendly! __) |__\ `.___________|/
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Everywhere you look lately, they're adding that "healthy" stuff to
the foods and beverages we've known and loved since we were on solid food.
Orange juice, cereal, butter, waffles - all screaming "EXTRA CALCIUM!" on
the label. (Is it some kind of a coincidence that it's mostly breakfast
food?) This is a good thing. Most of us don't get enough calcium/iron/
what-have-you anyhow, and you know we're too damn lazy to take any vitamin
supplements.
But it makes us suspicious when new things are introduced to the
grocery shelves. Green ketchup, "magical" Jell-O... Remember clear Pepsi?
Uh-huh, uh-huh. That was a real disaster. New Coke? Mmmmmmm. Memories
buried deep within our consciousness, better left unearthed. But just
sticking extra nutrients in foods we already like doesn't seem *so* bad...
I mean, it's at least still the same color and consistency, right? Right!
Okay, lay some heart-disease-fighting Cheerios on me.
What really confuses the American public (or what confuses me, at
least) is seeing a jar of our beloved Peter Pan creamy peanut butter on the
shelf, just waiting to be picked up and stowed in our grocery carts; and
then noticing the jar next to it. This jar has a blue lid, unlike the
yellow one we recognize so well. It calls itself Peter Pan Plus, and claims
to possess eight additional vitamins and minerals. What the hell is THIS?
"It must be more expensive," we think. But it isn't. It's the same
price as the old peanut butter. It's vaguely brownish, spreadable, and
comes in the standard creamy and crunchy varieties to boot. I know what
you're thinking. "But... but... why didn't they just put those vitamin
whatsits in the regular peanut butter? How come they made a whole new
kind?! WHY??!!!"
At this point, our tiny minds are boggling, unable to cope with the
irrationality of the major food corporation. Why do they do things like
this? We don't know. Why do they still manufacture circus peanuts? We
don't know. Why do they sell us Pepsi with one, not zero, not six billion,
but ONE calorie? WE DON'T KNOW.
Who's gonna buy the boring, *old* peanut butter when we have exciting
new peanut butter that's GOOD for us? (With a spiffy blue lid!) Who's
gonna buy Parkay Lite after discovering, upon close examination, that it is
identical to Parkay Calcium Plus, but for the calcium? And for that matter,
who's gonna buy ANY form of that damn green ketchup?!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to make some heinously artery-
clogging peanut butter cookies. If I want to feel healthier, I'll drink
more water.
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`-.^.-' (c) 2001 Anada e'zine by Inkslinger `-.^.-'
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