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, ____, ( 09/12/01 anada481 ,
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/ \+------ _| ) | |(_|(_|(_|_ .net------/ )----.-' `./-/ \
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\ / \ `-" \'\ / |
\ / "Textfile University: Writers 101" `. , \ \ / |
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/ by Pavement ( ; mEoW!@/| '
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|____________________ Anada is cat-friendly! __) |__\ `.___________|/
`--' `--'
Welcome neophyte. You're not exactly sure what you've stumbled onto,
are you? Could it be Britney Spears having sex with a goat, how to make
acid, Michael Jackson's e-mail address? No, it's a TEXT FILE. What is a
text file, you ask? Simply put: bad poetry, amateur fantasy novels, and
15th generation rip-offs of files originally written in 1982 about screwing
over K-Mart.
Confusing, isn't it? Where do these aberrations of nature, these
unfortunate misfires of God, these "t-file writers" come from? What
motivates them to waste time on this crap?
Fuck this introduction -- this is a file about the different types of
t-file writers, now just read it.
That was lesson ichiban, O helpless yet mildly intrigued beginner --
the t-file writer hides behind a veil of spontaneity when he / she gets
writers' block.
Now read the fucking file or I won't tell you how to make acid.
And you might as well give up on e-mailing Michael Jackson. His e-mail
address is mikeismybitch@bubblesthechimp.com. Oops, I meant that's NOT his
e-mail address. Silly me.
Droppin ebonics, smokin chronic, need to get hooked on phonics, read
this fresh file -- I think you'll find it to be ironic. Actually you won't
think it's ironic at all, but that rhymed. Now read.
***The "Serious" Writer***
Handles you might see:
A serious writer NEVER uses a handle, he uses a "nom de plume."
Is he/she a "serious" writer? A convenient checklist:
*Does he pretend that the slovenly fools across from him in Starbucks
are F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway in a trendy cafe on the
French Riveria?
*Does he fantasize about Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas "getting
it on" when he masturbates?
*Does he own at least 3 dashikis (that he looks ridiculously "white"
in)?
*Has he read a Chinua Achebe novel and now thinks he understands
"those people"?
*Does he consider _Ulysses_ the pinnacle of literature, but hasn't
actually read it?
*Does he supplement his trust fund by selling hand-carved drums?
If you answered "yes" to any of the preceding questions, you've got a
"serious" writer on your hands!
But maybe you're unsure. Maybe you've got a drum circle dummy on
your hands; maybe not. Take a look at this serious writer's schedule before
you make your final determination:
Noon Wakes up.
12:30 Guzzles a bottle of 1982 Bordeaux (Considers wine-drinking an
intellectual pursuit, since the French [his heroes] drink so
much of it).
12:32 Takes his rusty Schwinn from the rack on his SUV and pedals
down to the local vegetarian restaurant.
1:00 Gets slapped by dreadlocked waitress after he asks her to
liberate her inner Kama Sutra.
4:00 Jacks off while reading Anais Nin's "erotica." Wonders how
long he'll have to keep up the facade of feminism before he
starts to see some hot lesbian tongue action from his female
friends.
5:00 Boldly declares to friend on telephone: "If a movie isn't
subtitled, it's pointless!"
6:00 Goes to Blockbuster and rents "Dumb and Dumber" (dubbed into
Ukrainian with English subtitles); calls it a "masterpiece of
modern film."
7:00 Decides which Vladimir Nabokov novel he'll plagiarize
tonight.
8:00 Picks 10 words out of the Oxford English Dictionary; writes a
text file for the sole purpose of showing off his knowledge
of those 10 words.
9:00 Wonders why a man of his age would be fooling around with
amateurish teenage writers; concludes it's because his ideas
are too radical for the establishment.
***The Depressed Goth***
Handles you might see:
DesolateDottie, FeyFrancine, MorbidMelissa
Ever wanted to sneak a peek inside a goth girl's private diary? Run
a search for 'Desolation Diary' or 'A Tortured Soul's Journal.' If that
doesn't work, try searching for "Brandon Lee is god" or "MaNsOn RuLeS!!"
Several years' worth of gut-splitting laughter await.
Not sure if the person you've spotted is a goth? Simply print this
handy checklist; if you can answer "no" to any of the following questions,
you've spotted a despicable poseur, not a REAL goth.
*Does she claim to have an "allergy to the sun"?
*Does she drink blood? (or says she does, anyway)
*Is she a Wiccan? (Thanks A LOT, "The Craft")
*Is she melodramatic about every little thing (i.e. her clothes,
hair, makeup)?
*Is she in high school -- but belongs in kindergarten?
*Do headless Barbie dolls in black dresses line her shelves?
*Does she wear a Celtic cross necklace that's 'rumored in ancient
lore to have magical properties'?
*Will she tell you to fuck off if you make eye contact with her?
*Does she claim to have a telepathic connection with Tori Amos?
*Does she have at least 14 cats?
*Has she ever wanted to BE a cat?
*Does she think she IS a cat?
STILL not sure if she's authentic? One thing all bona fide goths
have in common is poetry. They write it, they love it, they read it to
their pale-skinned boyfriends. If it's anything like this one, you've got a
genuine gothic poem:
"Wall of Decay"
By SpookyPavement
shattered
i stand
in a cavern of soullessness
barren existence, hemorrhaging wings of helplessness, weeping betrayal
absinthe
i die
Important note: poems using capital letters or spacing that isn't
absurd and functionless can be immediately judged fradulent.
Another important (parenthetical) note: Can there be anything more
fun to write than fake gothic poetry? I'd love to fill an entire file with
it, but I'm scared that my conscious and what little good taste I have would
team up to kick my ass.
***The "Slice of Life" Writer***
Typical t-files written by a "slice of lifer":
"I Took a Shit at 4:42 AM Today"
"The Secret Life of Dust Mites"
"I Dare the Editor to Release This File on the Scab I Picked
Yesterday"
***The Zany Conspiracy Theorist***
The Zany Conspiracy Theorist is an even more annoying offshoot of The
Serious Writer. He / she buys into every single conspiracy theory ever
cooked up, and even if the theories are completely unrelated or contradict
each other, he will invent some way to connect them.
If you ever see something like this, you know you're reading a t-file
by a Conspiracy Theorist:
"In 1962, Bobby Kennedy and Kurt Cobain's grandmother secretly
poisoned the water supply in Beijing. Now what does that have to do with
the space program, you ask? Quite simple: a Chinese scientist named Bu Yi
was never allowed to finish his secret rocket for Mao Tse Tung's space
program, therefore allowing the US and Russia to win the space race. What
does that have to do with grunge music becoming commercially viable in the
early '90s? My little simpleton, do you not realize that under direct
orders of Cobain's grandmother, George Bush secretly paid off MTV to play
'Smells Like Teen Spirit'? Eventually, Kurt Cobain got too big for his
britches, so CIA operatives were sent to kill him. As any reasonably
informed person will tell you, all of this directly ties to Malcom X and
Elijah Mohammed. What does that have to do with the Berlin Wall, the Masons
and the Illuminati? Simple -- encased in a hidden vault in the Smithsonian
is a..."
Want to send a conspiracy theorist into an endless tirade? It's
almost too easy. Just say something like:
*I'm glad marijuana is illegal.
*J.D. Salinger is WAY overrated.
*Thomas Pynchon? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with his work.
*Lee Harvey Oswald was the lone gunman.
*Exxon-Mobil? They don't do anything to harm the environment, do
they?
***Outro***
As you can see, a text file is nothing but a repository for the
ramblings of a few wannabe intellectuals. Problem: Once you've read one,
you can't stop. Solution: delete this file and pretend that you never read
it. Go back to your Judy Collins novel.
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`-.^.-' (c) 2001 Anada e'zine by Pavement `-.^.-'
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