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anada451
, ____, ( 21/10/01 anada451 ,
/ \ ,_____ (--|_\_,,_, _ _| _ __________ ,-.______ _,---._ __ _/ \
/ \+------ _| ) | |(_|(_|(_|_ .net------/ )----.-' `./-/ \
/ / ( |__, ( ( ,' `/ /|
\ / \ `-" \'\ / |
\ / "Ya Gotta Have" `. , \ \ / |
Y-------- ----------/`. ,'-`----Y |
/ by Infernal ( ; mEoW!@/| '
i________________________________________________| ,-. ,-'_______/ | /
| | | ( * | /
|____________________ Anada is cat-friendly! __) |__\ `.___________|/
`--' `--'
Checked the caller ID when I got home from the studio tonight, sweaty
and worn out and ready for a shower then sleep, and whose name popped up
but yours. Crazy, seeing it. Sleep was forgotten and now I'm up at the
darkest hour of night, pondering. I mean, we're not enemies, no bad blood
or ugly fights in our decidedly uncheckered past for me to worry about you
rekindling. It's just that you'd sorta faded, there was this series of
silences between your words that got longer and longer each time, like your
saliva had dried and your lips had gummed shut, until finally (without
either of us noticing it) you weren't there any more, and that could have
just as easily been that.
But you must have thought I was worth the effort of trying to speak
again. Of course, you didn't leave a message, only called. Did you realize
you had nothing to say? Were you secretly relieved when the phone kept
ringing? Did you feel a cool breeze soothe the alkali sweat on your brow
when you put the phone down, still silent? Or were you taking a calculated
risk that I'd have caller ID, and making a subtler ploy, batting the ball
slyly back into my court, taking the initiative but refusing to shoulder the
hard part of any awkward reunion?
Or do you think of me as the one who let those silences fester? I
don't rationally think it was one person ñ it never is in these situations.
But I know that in my head I blame you for it, and feel a sense of reproach
at you for not making more effort to keep us close. Do you feel the same
way about me? Was the call-but-no-message your way of shaking me out of
inaction and making me call you? I could see myself doing the same thing
tomorrow when (if) I call you back, especially since I won't know what to
say if your machine picks up. And God knows I don't want to be caught in
mid-message if you pick up as I'm talking ñ that's like getting blinded by
headlights when you're trying to cross the road.
How silly and stupid. We're like people on opposite sides of a
river, trying to mend a bridge by lobbing bricks at each other. I do miss
you, and I would like to talk to you again. I hope we do get back in touch,
and then stay in touch, but will we? Is it going to be a situation where we
both try way too hard, and the effort becomes resented more than the
friendship was valued in the first place?
I've been thinking about friends lately. There are ones who've
drifted out of my life, like you did, and I wonder if I do enough to keep
people near me. I tend to hold my friends to unrealistic, unfair standards
(standards I would never meet if they were judging me by them), and I would
like to stop doing that. It's not a very friend-worthy thing to do. I want
to keep my friends close, and let them know by my actions that I appreciate
them, and that I'm honored to be part of their lives. I'm not talking about
being the most popular boy on Main Street; I just want to stop meeting
worthy people and then moving away from them.
So you wanna go have lunch tomorrow? I'll call you. And I might
leave a message.
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`-.^.-' (c) 2001 Anada e'zine by Infernal `-.^.-'
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