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anada412
, ____, ( 10/08/01 anada412 ,
/ \ ,_____ (--|_\_,,_, _ _| _ __________ ,-.______ _,---._ __ _/ \
/ \+------ _| ) | |(_|(_|(_|_ .net------/ )----.-' `./-/ \
/ / ( |__, ( ( ,' `/ /|
\ / \ `-" \'\ / |
\ / "Jason on Mildred" `. , \ \ / |
Y-------- ----------/`. ,'-`----Y |
/ by Jason ( ; mEoW!@/| '
i________________________________________________| ,-. ,-'_______/ | /
| | | ( * | /
|____________________ Anada is cat-friendly! __) |__\ `.___________|/
`--' `--'
I try to be a nice person. I really do. For the most part, I think,
I succeed.
I'm particularly interested in being a nice person because I suffered
so terribly in my younger years under the crushing weight of bullying
morons, stuck-up idiots, and inept authority figures. They'll all be sorry,
though. When my influence spreads across the globe and my power is
unrivaled, they'll all cry for mercy. I'll chortle at them and cast them
from divine presence where they'll pull their hair and gnash their teeth!
(Imagine a long period of maniacal laughter. It's really hard to make that
come out on paper).
But enough talk of my simmering grudges and the sweet fruit of
revenge that will be nourished by the bitter soil of my heart (DAMN I'm
good).
Like I said, I try to me nice and friendly to everyone. The more
pathetic and downtrodden, the more compelled I am to be nice to them.
Unfortunately, I've discovered that even my tolerances are not limitless.
There's this chick. We'll call her Mildred. She's the daughter of
some friends of my parents. My mother, desiring grandchildren since her
biological clock got its second wind, has been pressuring me to hook up with
this chick. My evil mother never fails to point out that the Mildred's
family is wealthy. Fine. Now let's look at the downside:
1. She's very unattractive. Her main negative feature is a rather bad
overbite, and her hair style isn't all that flattering, either. I feel
bad that that's an issue, because if I hadn't had braces I would have an
overbite you could open bottles with. Still, that's the least of her
problems.
2. She's allergic to just about everything. You name it, she's allergic to
it. Mostly, she seems to be allergic to almost any kind of food, and
the fact that she's a kosher vegetarian makes it tough to find places
she's willing to eat. Again, allergies are no stranger to me, but I go
through pains to minimize their impact on others. I'm nice.
3. She's kinda dumb. She claims to have some kind of learning disability
that impedes her short term memory. Whatever. The end effect is the
same.
NOW we're getting into the REAL deal breakers.
4. She's very messy. The few times I was at her apartment, her sink was
FULL of dishes, the floor was sticky, there were crumbs all over the
couch, and the trash in her restroom was full of used tampons! I'm not
the neatest guy in the world, but dammit, if there are people coming
over, I at least make an effort to clean up.
5. She has HORRENDOUS personal hygiene. I graciously brought her along on
a group trip to the beach, and she didn't even bother to shave her
armpits! I've received reports that her bikini line was just as
unkempt, but I cannot confirm this, since I kept my eyes well away from
that area. If she is lax on the shaving on a trip to the beach, God
only knows what other corners she cuts.
Oh yeah, and she chews with her mouth open.
I feel like a jerk for not liking her. I try to have a rule only to
dislike evil people, and she's not evil. DAMN she makes it hard, though.
What makes it worse is that if I wasn't quite as cool as I am, I might have
ended up like her.
Sigh. I know she's lonely, but I'm just not that big a man. The
combination of all 5 of the negative points just makes it too tough. I
could have had her too, ending my 5 years of sexlessness. Amazingly, even a
half decade of chastity cannot break through my revulsion.
She hangs out with my brother now, and she asked him if he wanted to
take their relationship to "the next level." Better him than me! I think
my head would have exploded if she had suggested that to me.
So in short, I feel lousy for not being able to be her friend, but I
guess in the end, I'm just a selfish, nasty person. People need that in a
supreme dictator.
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`-.^.-' (c) 2001 Anada e'zine by Jason `-.^.-'
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