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.* O . . .. ..O .. 379 15 Jun 2001 ) ( ')
.* O O* o o o o o o o ( / )
* ***O O O O O O O O O "Ellen's 'Flushing, In the \( _)|
* O o o.*..o.*..o.*..o. .net `Hood' Genuine Redneck Recipes: *
* O Redneck Cooking for Dummies" *
*. o |\ _,,,---,,_ *
* /,`.-'`' -. ;-;;,_ *
* |,4- ) )-,_..;\ ( `'-' by Funnigerl5 *
* '---''(_/--' `-'\_) *mE0w* o
*. .......................................*
'Anada is cat-friendly..o*`
Are you a redneck? Or thinkin' of becoming one? Well, to be a
redneck, you got to cook like one! You can start out by patronizing
restaurants that cater to a largely redneck clientele to see whether you
like this type of food.
*.*****.*
YOU KNOW YOUR CHEF'S A REDNECK IF
... His diploma is from Jed's Culinary Institute & School of
Refrigerator Repair
... he recently switched from butter to bacon lard for healthier fryin'
... his prior working experience as Manager at the Sizzler included
overseeing the menu for "Woodchuck Fest Week"
... his special soup du jour features braised possum chunks and mushrooms
from his own back yard
... He continues to insist that "food poisonin' had nothing to do with all
them customers gittin' sick last week" and disagrees with the findings
of the Health Department, maintaining the whole thing was just a
"co-incidence."
... if you send something back to the kitchen, he takes it personally and
deflates your tires with an ice pick while you're ordering desert.
... His chef's cap has the official "Spam Lite" logo on it
... he thinks "saute" is a French word for "fry it up good"
... he's under the impression the botulism is a natural weekly occurrence
and has little or nothing to do with food preparation.
... you realize there's a smoldering grudge match between the dishwasher
and the head maitre'd after a fight breaks out... the chef is hit in the
groin with the garlic press... everyone in the place sees their golden
opportunity and runs out without paying.
*.*****.*
Cooking Redneck Foods At Home
Want the real thing? Why should you have to pay big bucks to dine
out when you can prepare authentic redneck foods in the comfort of your own
kitchen! When preparing redneck dishes, the ambiance should reflect life in
the holler. Your mama's bra should be hanging off one of the dining room
chairs, your pappy's teeth should be in a glass prominently displayed on the
kitchen table right next to that big old can of Raid... and, of course, a
picture of Elvis' Last Supper with Dogs should be hanging onto your wall for
dear life. Now we can cook!
The following recipes are easy (we are targeting the domestically
impaired here). Don't worry, to cook the following recipes you do not need
to know how to boil water or even spell. Just remember: fire is dangerous,
don't get distracted when using it. And note: a teaspoon is the smaller
one, tablespoon's the big sucker... colander is a French word for large
round plastic bowl with holes in it... and finally, always make sure the
cover's on tight when the blender's being used.
Nutrition: Every food group is covered, including Haagen Daaz; and
for all you redneck wannabe's out there, please note that when "chopped
meat" is indicated, anything to your likin' may be substituted in place of
what you thought I meant by "chopped meat". You may work with any
combination of back-yard varmints, includin' squirrel filet, woodchuck
strips, possum jerky or the like. And if you're a redneck vegetarian, you
know the rules -- roadkill's already dead so it's ok to eat it.
Although these recipes were rejected by the editors of "Martha
Stewart Living" as too eclectic; and I was told by her press rep that
"Martha is not kitchen testing any new recipes right now because frankly
she's just so sick and tired of all the media hype surrounding her alleged
affair with Bryant Gumbel." But I'm happy to report that my collection of
recipes will soon be published in a book of major culinary influence, "The
Redneck Newlywed Guide to Cookin' Like Your Mama."
Hope you like my recipes, or as my kinfolk from the back woods
usually say when they dine at my home: "Hot damn! This here's some good
eatin' -- Hooooooo-Weeeee!" Now you can understand why I don't invite them
over more often.
Why don't we start with "dessert first"?
- Apple Granny Desert
6 Peeled, sliced green apples (granny smith)
teaspoon each of sugar & cinnamon
cake mix, 1/3 box
butter - Ω stick or so
* Mix together, bake @ 350 degrees for Ω hour. Serve warm (if you're in a
decadent mood, top with a scoop of Vanilla Haagen Daaz.) Mmmmmmm!
- Fine Irish Cuisine - Corned Beef & Cabbage
Since I'm of Irish extraction (ouch! forceps!) it wouldn't be right
if I didn't share this recipe with you. I use "Friedrich's Thin Sliced"
corned beef, I get it from Key Food here in Flushing. Wash corned beef,
embed about 8-12 cloves into the beef; boil for 2 hours or so, depending on
size; then add cut up cabbage & carrots for the last 30 minutes. Boil
potatoes separately. Serve corned beef, cabbage, carrots and potatoes (also
known as "New England Boiled Dinner") together, with mustard on the side,
and some Celtic New Age, Clancy Brothers & Tommy Makem, or James Galway on
the cd player.
- Easy Nachos for Lazy Gringos
Buy a can of refried beans, monterey jack cheese, and some white corn
taco chips (plain). Heat beans on low flame, covered, 10 mins.; grate
monterey jack; Add refried beans to nacho chips, top with grated cheese &
bake @ 350 degrees till cheese melts. Que Sabor! (You may add chili
peppers/jalepeno, sour cream, guacamole, chopped tomatoes & onions, or
anything else you want, ain't no-one stopping you)
- Evelyn's Curry Chicken
(Evelyn is my babysitter and the best cook in Queens Village)
Cut up chicken parts (1 whole chicken or just breasts or legs only)
2 tomatoes, cut up
2 green peppers, cut up
2 onions, cut up
1/4 cup water or chicken broth
garlic powder
Sazon complete
curry powder, sprinkle 1 teaspoon
SERVE WITH COOKED RICE ON THE SIDE
Marinate chicken, if there's time, in curry powder, garlic powder,
sazon complete, and thyme along with chopped tomatoes, peppers and onions,
for 2 hours, or Ω hour if pressed for time; Heat 2 tablespoons hot oil and
add mixture. Fry at high till chicken is browned and onion/garlic/tomatoes
are cooked. Add water/broth, cover and simmer for 45 minutes more. Serve
over cooked rice.
- Betty's Home-Made Miso Soup
Yeah, we have health food here! Go to the Health Food store, get jar
or container of miso paste (dark country style barley miso) and some seeweed
and some tofu. Boil 3 cups water, add cut carrots and a celery stalk or
two. Add miso paste and stir in (2/3 tablespoons). Add seeweed. Cut up
and boil tofu separately for 3 minutes, add to main soup pot. Lower heat;
simmer low for 20 minutes. You may add chopped scallions (green onions)
during the last 5 minutes. To serve, remove carrot/celery from soup if you
wish.
- Chile ën Cheese Potatoes
Bake some potatoes. How many? 2 potatoes for every person there
when in doubt, & throw in an extra 3 potatoes just in case. (If you're
making this for an Overeater's Anonymous group, add 2 more potatoes for
every extra pound each member has packed on since the last meeting divided
by the number of pounds they wish to lose next week). When completely
baked, cut all potatoes in half. Scoop in spoonfuls of a warmed can of
chile, I use vegetarian mild chile. Or home-made chile, with or without
meat. Top with grated cheddar or monterey jack cheese.
- Stuffed Mushrooms
Cut very tips off bottoms of mushrooms; discard (if you're a redneck,
"discard" means throw it out). Wash mushrooms thoroughly. Pull stem from
each mushroom & chop. Heat oil in pan; chop 3 cloves of garlic; mix chopped
stems w/ garlic and add to pan, stirring; add breadcrumbs to soupy
consistency; cook for 3 minutes and spoon mixture into mushroom caps. Bake
in oven @ 350 degrees for 10 minutes; add cooking wine and/or lemon juice,
if desired; continue baking for another 15 minutes.
- Chicken & Potatoes, Greek Style
Pour a little Seven Seas or Wishbone Italian Salad Dressing over any
kinda chicken you want to use. Make sure all the feathers have been
removed, and the butt of the chicken is facing upwards (this makes it
authentic Greek style). Squeeze the juice of a half a fresh lemon over
chicken, add garlic powder, paprika, pepper, salt if you want, and any other
spices you have laying around your kitchen (oregano, basil, Goya Sazon, or
anything that moves you). Meanwhile, start boiling some potatoes (red or
all purpose, peeled if you wish, or skins-on in you prefer; you can mix red
potatoes and white if you wish for visual effect). Bake chicken @ 350 for
half hour, then turn chicken over; after 20 minutes of boiling the potatoes,
add potatoes to pan with the chicken in oven; add more paprika, lemon juice
(other half lemon) & more garlic powder to potatoes & chicken. Cook for
another 20 minutes or more, stirring occasionally. Serve when chicken is
completely done. On second thought, forget "serve." Just tell everyone to
help themselves. For a truly Grecian flourish, make sure there's some warm
pita bread on the side, and have baklava for desert (did I spell that right?
Damn, this wordperfect spellchecker apparently doesn't cover international
pastries.)
- More Fine Irish Cuisine - Hors-d'oeuvres
Having company? Spray some "liquid cheese" on some Triskits.
Nothin' fancy. If they're hungry enough, they'll eat it. If pressed, put
some arugula on it. If it still ain't good enough for them, then they can
all just take their yuppie butts elsewhere. And you can tell ëem I said so.
A final word. You know you're having a bad day when you spill hot
coffee on yourself, but you can't sue anyone because you haven't left the
house yet.
Disclaimer: These recipes are kitchen-tested. No one has ever gotten sick
at my house; however if you experience food poisoning, dizziness, nausea or
vomiting please don't sue me, get a good lawyer and go after Key Food, A&P,
Waldbaums, or whoever sold you the tainted goods.
Follow-Up Disclaimer: Oven temperatures may vary. Proper refrigeration is
important. Always wash your hands before attempting to handle food; a
professional hairnet is optional but always a good investment.
FEEDBACK: Any complaints on cooking results, please call 1 - 800 - BITE ME.
A paid customer service representative will be more than happy to listen to
your sorry-assed whining. If you can't get through on the line, e-mail me
at FUNNIGERL5@AOL.COM & I'll tell you what you did wrong.
ADDITIONAL BONUS RECIPES
These were not kitchen-tested at my house, you're ON YOUR OWN:
- Stuffed Peppers
8 large green peppers
1 pound lean ground beef
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 onion, chopped
2/3 cup rice, uncooked
2 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
1 - 15 oz. can diced tomatoes, undrained
1 - 15 oz. can yellow corn, undrained
1 and 1/4 cup cheddar cheese, shredded
1 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. pepper
Brown ground beef and saute onion and garlic in the juice until onion
is tender. Drain fat. Add tomatoes, corn, rice, Worcestershire sauce, and
salt and pepper. Cover and simmer for 15-20 minutes until rice is tender.
Stir in cheese and then stuff peppers with mixture. Place peppers in a
baking dish and bake for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.
SERVE OVER RICE
- Indu's Goolfi (Frozen Desert from India)
1 can evaporated milk
1 can condensed milk
1 small container light cream
Pistachio nuts and/or almonds if desired
Vanilla or Rose Extract (rose essence)
Place ingredients into blender for 1 minute, put in "freezer pop"
mold or freezer container and store in freezer for 1 hour. Serve
immediately!
- Yummy Veggie Dill Dip
A. Ω cup mayo
cream cheese, softened
1/4 cup milk
7 seas Italian seasoning, 1 packet
fresh dill
B. Veggies (cucumbers, carrots, broccoli, green/red peppers; tomatoes;
cauliflower, and/or zucchini, radishes, etc)
Mix all from Column A together; serve with any veggies you wish for
dipping (Column B)
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( o.o ) (c) Anada e'zine anada379 by Funnigerl5 o
> ^ < o
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