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.* O . . .. ..O .. 315 15 Mar 2001 ) ( ')
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* O o o.*..o.*..o.*..o. .net "A Not-So Modest Proposal" *
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* |,4- ) )-,_..;\ ( `'-' by Gloomchen *
* '---''(_/--' `-'\_) *mE0w* o
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'Anada is cat-friendly..o*`
Crime ravages our United States. Innocent people die every day due
to petty thugs, robberies, sexual and domestic assaults, and whacked-out
disgruntled ex-employees. Children are brandishing weapons and murdering
their peers. People of all cultures are harrassed, injured, and killed just
for being different. Babies are disposed of in garbage cans, innocent
musicians are deprived of their hard-earned money by hooligans downloading
free music, and mafiosos kill midgets (dwarves?) who don't pay their loans
back in a timely manner.
Our country was founded as a place where people are free to think
whatever they like. Therefore, one is free to be angry or supportive or
amused by any of the heinous acts listed above. However, laws were created
in the likely event that one should act on any of these feelings, or even
to commit more crimes themselves. This is how we maintain stability, order,
and justice. If one violates these laws, they are a burden and a crutch to
the function of a healthy society, and so in many cases they are removed,
either to a jail or correctional facility, or in some cases, sentenced to
death.
It still remains that not all criminals are caught. Some continue
for days, weeks, months, even years, wreaking havoc on our fragile society.
Even worse, it seems that there aren't even laws against many "criminal"
acts, such as pretending you are a member of the opposite sex to seduce an
individual or for leaving one's car door wide open on a busy, narrow street.
These are crimes of stupidity, and it's nearly impossible for intelligent
citizens to avoid every outburst.
The fact remains that these crimes of stupidity continue to injure
innocent people every day: a simple study of "The Jerry Springer Show" and
any highway during a blizzard will bear witness to numerous unchecked
dangers to those who know better. Therefore, to build a stronger, more
civilized nation, and to prevent genetics from spreading the plague to
further generations, I present my not-so-modest proposal: the systematic
killing of all stupid people.
One might inquire, what defines stupid above and beyond, say, a bad
judgement call? There can never be a definitive list of all that is "dumb,"
per se, here are a few examples to help recognize the true problem:
1. If you drive an SUV or truck and believe you are impervious to weather;
2. if you are cheating on your committed partner (of any degree) and
believe you will never get caught;
3. if your mid-life crisis includes going to junior high schools to pick
up girls;
4. if you put inanimate objects, such as trees or automobiles, at a higher
priority than your own life and the lives of others;
5. if you hit on that gay or lesbian for months on end, convinced he/she
will turn straight for you;
6. if your best friend has sex with everyone he/she meets, but insists
he/she will never sleep with YOUR significant other, and you believe
it;
7. if you forward every virus warning that lands in your e-mail box;
8. if you insist on driving the posted 45 mph speed limit when everyone
else on the road is driving 65 and swerving wildly to avoid rear-ending
your car;
9. if you leave your legal battles up to Judge Judy;
10. if you believe secretly trying to get pregnant will save your
relationship;
then you are most certainly stupid and should pay the ultimate penalty.
There are few exceptions to this methodology, yet they exist. One
can compensate for a one-time stupidity offense by labeling it a "bad
judgement call;" however, for it truly to be a bad judgement call, it must
be an act made in haste that one wouldn't consider at all under normal
conditions, and which for one feels great remorse. For instance, one could
blame a drunken kiss with a best friend's husband a "bad judgement call" if
it never happened again and they immediately admit their wrongdoing to the
injured party and express their deepest apologies. However, spending three
days a week hidden away in a hotel room with this person re-writing the
Kama Sutra is not justified.
It is also in my belief that one stupid person cannot be held as
"worse" or "better" than another, and all just be swiftly executed, so as to
prevent further damage. Those who chain themselves to trees to prevent the
legal and fair progress of well-meaning businessmen are just as guilty as
someone who claims, "driving on acid is the ULTIMATE, dude." The breeding
of either of these individuals, so as to spread their poisonous stupid
genes, would further decimate society as we know it.
This brings the essential rule: if a person's stupidity is hindering
the lives of others, they must be executed. Would guns be a problem in our
society if only intelligent, logical-thinking people wielded them? Would
our legal system be clogged with maddening insanity if all future McDonalds
patrons understood that coffee is, indeed, hot? Would I still be driving a
very nice Dodge Spirit if people understood that if traffic is blocking your
vision of the second lane of traffic, you shouldn't slam on the gas anyway
and attempt to cross the road?
Like many Americans, I am tired of spending my time on the defensive,
avoiding stupidity at all costs, doing nothing more than trying to live my
life in a respectable, reasonable manner. If those like me would join the
fight and support my proposal, we could all lead healthier, saner, and all-
around better lives. It would also avoid all of the hate-mail I will most
assuredly get from my proposal, since only stupid people will not connect
its similarity to the infamous Jonathan Swift piece--and for that crime
alone, death probably isn't strong enough.
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( o.o ) (c) Anada e'zine anada315 by Gloomchen o
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