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anada348
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.* O . . .. ..O .. 348 05 May 2001 ) ( ')
.* O O* o o o o o o o ( / )
* ***O O O O O O O O O \( _)|
* O o o.*..o.*..o.*..o. .net "Bad Seed" *
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* /,`.-'`' -. ;-;;,_ *
* |,4- ) )-,_..;\ ( `'-' by AphexTwin23 *
* '---''(_/--' `-'\_) *mE0w* o
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'Anada is cat-friendly..o*`
I used to go to school and enjoy it. Friends were everything and
guys meant nothing. I would go to my job just for the sake of having money.
I would go out to eat just because I was hungry. I would walk in a park
just because I wanted to.
I was a happy go lucky child and the world was full of rainbows and
puppy dogs. I didn't know what life was about and I didn't really care
because I loved it. I loved the rush I felt when he walked by me, whoever
*he* was at the time. I loved the high I got from doing something I knew
was wrong although, at that time in my life, I didn't do anything real
wrong. Everything was fun and if I ever lost interest then I could just as
easily find something else to make me smile.
There was once a time when everything was perfect. The skies were
blue. The flowers smelled so sweet. The air rushing by my face felt like
heaven. Life was so beautiful.
Now though, the skys are dark. My senses have died. And life sucks.
Our knowledge of the world comes through our senses. Certain
wavelengths stimulate our eyes. No longer can I see the beauty of nature.
No longer can I see anything. I am blind. Certain vibrations in the air
help us to hear but the birds have stopped chirping and bees have stopped
buzzing. The senses in our skin help us to feel but I have broken away from
reality and won't allow anyone to touch me. I have become my own worst
enemy.
I look at the houses as I walk down this path and I only see shapes.
I see squares, hexagons, triangles, and circles. Everything is either a
shape or exactly what it is. I function like a machine. I only see what I
am doing. I see myself typing, I see myself driving. This is a computer,
this is a car, these are my fingers, these are my hands. I can't appreciate
anything anymore because I've become a machine. A walking and talking
machine.
I opened up one of the doors to perception and now it's too late to
ever close it because I lost the key. The patterns of energies become know
as objects, events, people, and other aspects of the world. Although we see
color and light that is not what stimulates our eyes to see. As well as the
fact that there is no music or noise in what stimulates us to hear. And
because my perception has been opened up so much everything has become one.
What I see is what I hear and what I feel is what I see.
I was once able to feel my body. I was once able to feel what I was
doing. I can't do that anymore. Because everything has become one.
Everything has molted together and has become one. I am looking through
someone else's eyes. I can't see because these are not my eyes that I see
through. I am looking into and seeing someone else's life.
I am no longer a part of reality because I can no longer feel. I
have now broken away from reality completely. But the real question is...
what exactly is reality? This life that has no purpose? A human being that
I don't even know?
I continue to ask myself if I am crazy. That has got to be the
answer to this. Or maybe I'm just manic-depressive. Maybe I'm legally
insane. Maybe I'm bipolar. Maybe I'm schizophrenic. Maybe I am
everything. Maybe I'm fuckin God. Why should I have to be the one to know
when no one else will give me an answer.
I've now come to an understanding with myself.
At least I can still think. But is it even me thinking? I don't
even know.
I know now why I find interest in nothing. Someone will tell me
about their fantastic day of walking in parks and playing basketball. They
will describe in great detail about the beautiful weather or how exactly
they felt when he touched their face. But it just doesn't interest me.
Because I have experienced so much more that nothing can compare to it.
Nothing can satisfy me more than a past experience I have had. I can
actually say that I saw color. I saw adventure. I saw beauty. Nothing
compares to it.
I know now that nothing in my future will satisfy me. I will
continue living seeing only the rough, sharp edges on objects because I have
already seen true beauty. I will live out the rest of my life in complete
misery because I'll never feel the same way I felt on one day of my life.
Not even a day. Maybe it was the best day of my life. Maybe it was the
worst. Maybe it was the beginning of the end. Or the end of the beginning.
Why am I so enlightened with this knowledge? Because I am only 16
years old and I have experienced life. I have seen everything I needed to
see in my lifetime plus more so nothing else really matters. Friends have
disappeared, guys have faded away, work is stress, school is difficult,
drugs are bad, fun is gone.
My philosophy now is that you have to sleep in the clouds before you
can awake on the ground.
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( o.o ) (c) Anada e'zine anada348 by AphexTwin23 o
> ^ < o
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