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.* * \ /\
.* O . . .. ..O .. 320 22 Mar 2001 ) ( ')
.* O O* o o o o o o o ( / )
* ***O O O O O O O O O \( _)|
* O o o.*..o.*..o.*..o. .net "The Complete Guide to *
* O Scoring with Old Ladies" *
*. o |\ _,,,---,,_ *
* /,`.-'`' -. ;-;;,_ *
* |,4- ) )-,_..;\ ( `'-' by Pavement *
* '---''(_/--' `-'\_) *mE0w* o
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'Anada is cat-friendly..o*`
Old ladies: don't knock it 'til you've tried it!! Dude, trust me,
they are way more experienced and know what a man likes. They were anal
sexin' before your parents' conception. Okay, on with the file.
Part I.
------
Back in the 20s and 30s, people were way more uptight about sex. You
couldn't just ask someone to sleep with you. So they invented "code words"
or euphemisms which really mean they are asking for sexual favors and these
are still in use by the oldsters today. Here are a few examples:
"I baked some cookies for you, honey"
"My arthritis is acting up again"
"Agnes and I played bingo last night"
When an old lady says any of the above phrases, you are in for a hell
of a ride because what they are really trying to say is "whip your dick out
and stick it in me".
Part II.
-------
Alright, so Granny asked you if you'd like a Werther's Original (code
word for pussy) and you whipped your penis out. Now what? Slip it on in,
d00d! No, fuck that--JAM it on in! At this point, she will probably start
screaming "no, no, help, police." The average guy would take this to mean
she wants you to stop and would run off before the cops get there. But you
are _not_ the average guy! You have read this text-file, are now a bigger
pimp than Too $hort, and know what she is *really* saying! Y'see, back in
the olden days, women were not liberated like the way they are today. They
could be teachers or housewives, that was it. In fact, the Spice Girls were
actually men back then.
Let's examine the code words "help police" and what they mean.
First, the word "help." The Beatles were musicians and had a song called
"Help." Humpty Hump was also a musician. So, it follows that help = hump.
Second, the word "police". The Police were a pop group from England in the
1980s. The British are often said to have a stiff upper lip. Your Johnson
is stiff. Do the math. What she is really trying to say is "hump me with
your dick."
Part III
-------
The next day, she will probably charge you with rape. Now your first
response might be to wet your pants and flee the country. But hold your
horses, hombre. Old ladies were raised in a time without PCs, the internet
or (and this is painful for me to type) IRC. They couldn't just go into
#hot_sex and solicit sex. They like to play hard to get. She wants you to
THINK that she doesn't like you by filing charges. What she really means is
break out of jail and come take me TONIGHT!
Conclusion
----------
If you think this is sick and wonder how a guy could ever consider
sex with a septegenarian, consider the advantages old ladies have over girls
your own age:
1. There's no chance of them biting you while giving head, as long as their
dentures are out.
2. They constantly carry around a giant dildo, which they refer to as a
"cane."
3. Automobiles have been around for hundreds of years (invented by Sir
Jonathon Daimler-Chrysler in 1742), yet oldsters used to travel by
horse. Why? They were their boyfriends!!! They were into bestiality!!
4. There are millions of people just like you that sleep with old ladies.
Except for the fact that these people are 50 years older than you, are
named Jebediah and have to pop viagra like candy to get it up!
tHe EnD!!!
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( o.o ) (c) Anada e'zine anada320 by Pavement o
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