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' anada "Jason on the Meaning of Life" 07 feb '
' 284 by Jason 2001 '
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Ah, yes, life. It's the ultimate mystery from which all other
mysteries derive. After all, if it weren't for life, there wouldn't be
anybody to ponder the complexities of the universe. For as long as humans
have been self aware, they have wondered why they exist at all. They have
wondered what the point of life is since we just die anyway. The theories
are as the chicks I have failed to score with.
One of the oldest and seemingly innate rationales has been that we
exist at the sufferance of some greater being(s). This is commonly referred
to as religion. I don't know of a single culture that has not invented some
kind of pantheon to explain how we got here, why we're here, and where we go
after we die. Most will at least pay lip service to the concept that they
live for their deity of choice, although few actually adhere to the
arbitrary laws that that entails. All this is done in hope that the god
they've chosen will see them in a favorable light and let them into paradise
after they die. Proof is naturally hard to come by, that doesn't stop
anybody.
Sure, most people buy that philosophy, but the pragmatic side of me
can't decide which of the hundreds of versions of omnipotent overlord to
devote myself to. Besides, following such a path usually involves a
profound love of extreme self-denial, and I'm just too hedonistic to
restrict my behavior without good reason.
The competing philosophy to the religious one, at least as old, more
innate, and completely opposite, is the idea that we live for our own
pleasure. Those people will indulge any fancy whenever it strikes them,
sometimes within reason and sometimes not. Just like religious folks, there
are extreme versions of such people who are willing to do literally anything
to get what they want. These people usually do well in politics. This
isn't a real philosophy, I guess, since such slimeballs are rarely able to
think more than 5 minutes into the future, let alone muse on the meaning of
their existence.
It would be fun to be happy all the time, but alas! I'm just too
principled for a life of raw self-indulgence. Besides, I'm perfectly
willing to put up with short-term hell to ensure a more secure future.
Curse my impulse control.
Some more ideas of the meaning of life have appeared over the years
as the stranglehold of religion on the mind began to loosen. There are
those who believe that we are supposed to live in perfect harmony with all
of nature, glorifying animals above ourselves (read: PETA freaks). Fuck
that. I like hamburger. Besides, that's a grossly UNnatural philosophy,
and my sensible side condemns it as silliness.
A lot of people have spent their entire lives trying to win glory for
themselves in the deluded notion that a footnote in the history books will
grant them some perverse form of immortality. Like I need a bunch of bored
school kids being forced to memorize my deeds. A close corollary to this is
the constant quest for material wealth. I figure I'll still be just as dead
in the end. My lazy side recoils at the amount of work it will entail to
win such fame and wealth.
Then there are those pathetic, lost little fools who believe that we
live to love. The last piece of my surviving, tortured idealism screams,
"Yes! That's it!" Then the cynical side, made incredibly buff by the
steroidal effects of evil backstabbing chicks, remembers that TV has never
betrayed me and has a volume control. The idealism naturally loses the
ensuing melee for my soul.
After 27 years of pondering and observing, I have finally discovered
the true meaning of life. I have the key to what has eluded people for
millennia. It's irrefutably true, and will answer all of those nagging
questions that have vexed you your entire life.
But before I get into that, I thought of something incredibly funny
today. You know what you say when you see someone scratching their ass?
You say, "Hey, are you digging for fudge?" HA HA HA!! Get it? Fudge
mining! HA HA HA!!
Now where was I? Hmmmm... I don't remember what I was saying. Oh
well. It probably wasn't important.
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` anada284 by Jason (c) 2001 anada e'zine `
