Smoke and Mirrors Issue 1 - Adventures at Kent's Place
Just Another Night At Kent's Place
Copyright (c) 1993
JUST ANOTHER NIGHT AT KENT'S PLACE
Ruby deftly caught the quarter Michael Hahn tossed into the air and converted it to two dimes and a nickel, as Lyn Rust nodded approvingly.
"Say, Kent, why don'cha just get one o'them machines that takes quarters, anyway?" asked Bill Slattery, who was immediately accosted by a dig in the ribs from Michael.
"Kee-rist, Slats, will you shut up? That plastic comb machine in the men's room is the only thing left around here that will dispense goods for a dime. Don't give Ballard any ideas, okay?" Slats nodded in comprehension, and went back to sipping from his necklaced jug.
Lyn Rust beckoned to Ruby, and the two of them retired to a corner table for a chat. Sam, the cat from hell, promptly leaped atop Ruby's shoulder and growled menacingly.
"Jeez, Rube, you made friends with Sam? How'd ya' do it?" Lyn asked.
"I'm not sure," Ruby replied, thoughtfully. "I think he may be developing a taste for piranha. They don't have near the longevity of goldfish, you know, so I have to replace 'em daily. Sam sort of hangs around waiting for me to dump the latest batch and then he doesn't know me, again. I do wish Hahn's brother would come back and take Sam away. Heck, I wish Hahn's brother would come back and take me away."
"Well, that's what I want to discuss with you. You know, if Ballard *does* get a new machine that takes quarters, you and I will have to come up with a new trick," Lyn suggested.
"Well, I've been thinking about that. This coin changing is getting to be a real pain, anyway. Lugging around this coin changer is causing me to list to the left, which makes it awfully hard to dance properly. When I take it off, I keep wanting to compensate for the missing weight. Last night I fell off the bar."
Just then Shakib Otaqui came through the back door, flipped a quarter into the air and watched it land at Ruby's feet. Without interrupting her flow of conversation, she tapped an edge of the coin with her piranha-filled spike heels, sending the quarter back into the air, where she caught it. In one motion, she plunked it down into her changer, scooping two dimes and a nickel into her palm, and passed them to Shakib.
"You're right, though, Lyn. Aside from affecting my equilibrium, this coin changer is history waiting to happen. When Ballard finds out these guys are paying a dime for combs in here, and then taking them down and selling them to the corner vendor for 12-1/2 cents apiece, the jig is up. I've been thinking about a nice little bagel concession."
Lyn leaned closer and lowered her voice.
"Listen, Ruby, it's not a minute too soon. I haven't wanted to say anything but, well, there is talk."
"Talk? TALK? What kind of talk?" Ruby looked confused. Lyn could always tell when Ruby was confused because her eyes sort of glazed over and her mouth fell open.
"Well, now don't get your panties in a wad--and I wouldn't want you to think it's a regular. It's not. You know the regulars wouldn't say anything critical..."
"It is too a regular. It's Loeb, isn't it? I knew it. He'll never get over that name thing, will he?" Ruby put her head in her hands. Just then Clark Burner entered and flipped a coin in her direction. She automatically caught it over her shoulder and rapidly changed it, never raising her head.
"No, Ruby, Mr. Lope has long ago forgiven that little slip. A man of Mr. Lowe's stature - why he wouldn't hold a grudge about a little mistake like that. It's... it's somebody else. It's somebody who doesn't understand the genuine service we're performing with the dime trick. Incidentally, why do we call it the dime trick? Shouldn't it be the quarter trick? Anyway, apparently it has been misinterpreted by some, and I have tried, but I can't seem to get through on my explanation. There is at least one somebody, Ruby, who thinks the dime trick is something dirty," Lyn got the last out in a rush.
"Dirty? What, dirty? Hell, the Chase Manhattan makes change. Is that dirty? Every business since the dawn of time has made change. Is that dirty? Why, if there were no change, the world would be full of only quarters - do you realize that? All those penny, nickel and dime wrappers would pile up in the landfill; paying taxes would be an impossible nightmare; the government would collapse and there'd be insurrection in the land. Who is this person who is trying to topple the greatest country in the world, anyway?"
"Now, calm down. It's not that this person doesn't think there should be change. I think, somehow, it's just that this person has a mistaken impression of what the dime trick is all about. It has never been explained to me, but I gather the person has somehow attached a risquÇ connotation to it. Maybe the person is a shut- in, I don't know, but apparently it is just a large misunderstanding. Anyway, this person is saying some unpleasant things about the exploitation of women, and stuff, and I just thought you should know." Lyn's diplomacy was only exceeded by her earnest delivery of the information.
"What? This person wants a man to make change at Kent's Place? Maybe Kent should make change? Hell, does this person realize Kent doesn't believe in change? The last time he gave anybody change was when he poured that stranger a shot of ouzo instead of Staggering Highlander." Ruby began to giggle. "Remember that? The guy's eyes rolled back in his head and he landed flat on his back next to Sam on the floor. Scared Sam so bad he whizzed all over the guy's blue serge pants. Herman Holtz and Jerry Taylor had to drag the guy into the back alley and the cops came along and arrested him for a derelict."
"Hey," Lyn had an idea. "Maybe we could give the change concession to Jim Daly. He's not doing much these days."
"He's not doing much because he can't do much, Lyn. I swear, who'd have thought a person could become addicted to an electric charge, anyway? Daly can't even drive, anymore - he gets dropped off here in the mornings by his partner, and he just sits around all day with his finger in a water glass and his eyebrows jiggling from the electricity coursing through his body. Zach Klein says we ought to do an intervention - get him involved in Electricity Anonymous, or something. I told him EA stands for Emotions Anonymous, but he says same thing. Jim's getting his jollies from that electricity, Zach says. Says he's got an electric monkey on his back. Shoot, the man can't make change. He can barely make conversation."
Ruby and Lyn looked toward the corner, where Daly sat happily dunking his pinkie in his water glass and making "OhGodOHGodOHGOD!!!" noises.
"Hell's bells, you give him a quarter, he'll use it as a conduit to get a bigger charge," Ruby judged.
Howard Belasco emerged from the shadows just at that moment and seated himself with the two women.
"Listen, Ruby, I've been eavesdropping on your conversation, here, and I just want to say that I think you perform a valuable service. You can't let the erroneous opinion of one person affect your career."
"See, Howard, that's just what I've been trying to say," Lyn agreed.
Ruby nodded in concurrence.
***
Devil With a Blue Dress On blasted from the jukebox as Ruby Begonia gyrated enthusiastically atop the end of Kent's bar, a flushed Lyn Rust emulating her movements at the other end. The two tossed quarters across to one another, simultaneously changing them to dimes and nickels and tossing them back. Ruby was trying to teach Lyn to catch the quarter in her changer without using her hands, to the delight of a busload of Orientals who had mistakenly wandered into Kent's Place looking for the wax museum. Kent was selling diluted Staggering Highlander at a record pace.
"Say, how come the drinks are that funny-looking reddish color, anyway? Looks almost like real scotch," remarked Herman Holtz.
"Ah, Ballard's adding red food dye to the diluted Staggering in honor of Valentine's Day," explained Eric Loeb. "Luckily, it doesn't affect the taste, but then nothing affects the taste since there is no taste. Ballard's really got to quit watering it so much," he complained.
"He can get away with it, though. Ballard can keep drawing a crowd in here just to see the show, whether he serves anything remotely recognizable as liquor, or not. Can you imagine anyone not appreciating a great show like this?" asked Howard Belasco of a bleary-eyed and completely sated Jim Daly.
"Change good." pronounced Daly, solemnly.
"I'll say it's good," agreed Doug Haire as he slipped onto a stool next to Daly. "This is the best floor show in town."
Ruby and Lyn smiled brightly as they were helped from atop the bar by two Oriental gentlemen who were trying to coax them into taking their show to Japan.
It was just another night at Kent's Place.
-end-
