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eL aFGHANO Issue 3
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EDiTORiAL by Maestro Monteverdi, chancellor
--------------------------------------------------------------
We received a lot of very upset reactions on issue 2 of this
magazine. The readers were especially angry with Mohammed's
and Arturo's styles, which reflected a lot of aggression and
readiness to use violence, fortunately only verbally. The
European Community has even announced to boycot this magazine.
Especially Jacques Chirac was really full of rage because we
dared to publish his feedback on issue 1 of this magazine.
Chirac: "I thought that this journal was a joke! But now I
have seen you are meaning it seriously, and I do not like it!
Apart from all the propaganda you are making against the
consumption of frogs, your journal is fully in English
language (with a few pashtu words, of course). This is
ridiculous! Serious journals have to be in French." William
Jefferson Blythe also complained about issue 2 of this
magazine. He said that there were "way too many spelling
errors". This is perhaps a very original reaction, but he is
right. Therefore we have decided to radically change the
concept of this magazine. First of all, we are a fully
democratic staff now. We have no main editor, but we (Abu,
Afghanbashi, Arturo, Mohammed, Pedro and me) elect a
parliament, and the chief of the strongest party in parliament
has to form a government with a majority in parliament. This
time, my party, the Movement for Justice and Peace, succeeded
in the vote, and I became chancellor. But I did not have more
than fifty percent, so I had to form a coalition. In the end,
I formed a coalition with the parties of Abu (Pashtuna
National Party), Afghanbashi (Liberal Democratic Party),
Mohammed (Socialist Party) and Pedro (Anarchist Party). Abu
became minister of the interior, Afghanbashi foreign minister,
Mohammed minister for education and cultural affairs and Pedro
minister of finance. Arturo with his Revolutionary Cynic Front
for Change in the Sense of Syncretism is the leader of
opposition. This does not mean he does not belong to the
staff, no, of course he does. You ask what the sense of these
elections is, what you have to do as a minister of the
interior in an e-mag for example? It is simple! The chancellor
coordinates the works of the ministers, he is the manager. The
minister of the interior deals with problems in the staff. The
foreign minister is to communicate with the readers regarding
general topics on the magazine. The minister for education and
cultural affairs is to keep up a certain culture in this
magazine. Mohammed has had some lessons on civilization and
political culture before getting this job, so he now knows how
to behave and how others have to behave. The minister of
finance tries to keep the mag short enough so that it is not
so big and can be uploaded and downloaded fast, thus saving
money. Finally, the leader of opposition's job is to criticize
us during the process of making the magazine. In this way we
can already anticipate what readers could criticize and hence
avoid that they have anything to criticize. But we do not have
to consider Arturo's complaints because even without support
of his party, we have a vast majority in parliament. All in
all I find this idea of organizing an e-mag original and
innovative. Hopefully this magazine will benefit from it. By
the way, you will not find any holy pashtu words in this
issue. This is because I am a secular politician and think
that religion and state should not be mixed up. I think that
our one and only will not be upset with us nevertheless. You
are also free to read this magazine with or without the holy
Afghan colours. We do not care any longer. Of course this
might change if Mohammed wins the next elections, but it is
still some time until they will take place. Another thing:
Mohammed still wants to become president of the e-mag scene.
If you want to support him, fill in the votesheet attached to
this magazine and send it to us. If he is president, he cannot
become chancellor. Maybe this will motivate you to vote for
him. In any case, happy reading.
OUR READERS REACT by Afghanbashi, foreign minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
I find it great that I can speak freely again! Freedom of
speech is good and therefore also the readers shall speak
freely.
"The new design is good, but I criticise that you don't have
an interface. With an interface, your mag would be even
better! Maybe you could do it in the c64 style! That would be
best!" - Cavik
"Great work as always. I hope you're all wearing a large smile
after putting together 2 magazines!" - dataman
"hm... good job, really. i also read the articles in pashtuna
langua. unfortunately i didn't understand very much.... (just
kidding) hehe" - Rispock
"this is what i call a scene production with FEELING. well
done." - Eprom
"When i read afghano #1 i thought 'woah, does it get any
better?' with afghano#2 you showed me it can be MUCH better."
- Garton
"Afghano 2 is AWESOME! :) The best you ever had. Really." -
Le Roi
"I downloaded it, I ran it and it was cool. Some people say
that the articles are boring, but I don't think so, I love
them, they are many of them from different people, with very
interesting discussions." - Soomitop
"your e-mag rulez! best one since schwugi on c-64" - noolat
"I love your mag." - Nylemunn Shlkin, 13 years old.
"afghano is great, well done." - SodaRap
"what a cool design on this new afghano issue..." - sajaz
We also got some other reactions but Monteverdi already wrote
about them in the editorial so I will not write anything about
them here.
ABOUT LiBERTY by Mohammed Napolon, minister of education
--------------------------------------------------------------
Liberty is one of the most important goods of a man. Liberty
allows him to make e-mags! Liberty is very good stuff. Only
with liberty you can make political propaganda! Therefore
liberty is very good. I am an adherent of liberty, with not a
single restriction! I am for liberty for 100 percent! Liberty,
that's the best thing in the world. Without liberty, I could
not become president of the e-mag scene! And I want to become
president of the e-mag scene. You vote for me, me, me,
certainly? I hope so. Good. You have the liberty to vote. You
know, liberty is if you understand that what you do or is done
to you is necessary. It is a necessity to vote for me!
NATiONAL CORNA by Abu Gaza, minister of interior
--------------------------------------------------------------
Manibu mi na satunim, ne eske peske sa ne menuhim. Nelokom si
kandahar indisaniej kol somiel mane sare ale basko, nemi
simije nas komatim. Solta english samuleti maga, num se menu
som roperi.
MONEY AFFAiRS by Pedro, finance minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
I have spent much time, not much money, on the problem, well,
how to gain money. I had the idea then that we gain money
automatically if we enslave ourselves and it becomes more and
more if we just to not spend it. A great invention has hit my
head, the invention of doing economies, of saving money,
instead of saving time. This is the reason why I am still
using a 9600 bps modem because it's simply cheaper than a
14400 bps modem and time on the other hand is not saved as on
the contrary I need to be online longer. Now you ask what
about phone costs! This is a real problem, this is something I
have not thought of, because due to my low intelligence I did
not know that time is money, but I now know, Afghanbashi
taught me it. It would really be better if my country had been
made a part of Russia because in Russia they do not have to
pay money per time for phoning, yes, in Russia, "time is
money" is not correct.
REVOLUTION!!!
It can't go on like that!
eL aFGHANO was founded as a mag that doesn't care
about political correctness!
It's bad to impose this on us now!
We will no longer support this government!
ARTURO UI is our new leader!
SECOND EDiTORiAL by ARTURO UI, chief of the junta
--------------------------------------------------------------
Hello all! Now you see! We have a new government, this is us,
me, yes, me has formed the government. The opposition has won.
Viva la revolution! The contradictions between the ruling and
the serving classes have reached their climax and now we've
installed the dictatorship of the proletariate. Greetings
first to the glorious cosmopolitian Joschka Fischer of the
party with the colour of our one and only who said, "I prefer
Molotow cocktails over cocktail parties!" This is a truely
socialist revolution, in the truest meaning of the word. Well,
actually you may be surprised a bit, why? because I'm called
ARTURO UI, and if you know Bertolt Brecht, you probably also
know he wrote a play called "The stoppable rise of Arturo Ui",
and Arturo Ui is a pseudonym for a very bad politician. But
I'm of course not the same Arturo Ui as him, this Brecht's Ui
is FAKE!! I'm a socialist ARTURO UI (mind the spelling!), I'm
the leader of the "Revolutionary Cynic Front for Change in the
Sense of Syncretism" as Monte (you suck!) has already stated,
so nothing bad at all, we're the true hail of the folk... eh,
we're the glory of the people, that's what I meant. You ask,
why? Well we is me... and our co-ministers, who are: Y0SHK@,
WL@DiMiR ILYiCH, Y0SiP, Li0NiD, MiCH@iL and P0L! You don't
know em? Well, the reason is simple! They haven't written for
eL aFGH@N0 yet coz they fought in the underground, and as you
see we are upperground. Otherwise we wouldn't upload every
issue to finnish and german ftp servers and propagate it on
the Usanet! Well, now they are a bit more upperground too. The
former government is still alive, for those of you whom it may
concern, they are now our slaves! Monte must eradicate every
spelling error I make otherwise I'll slay him, and Afghanbashi
must be very polite to the readers otherwise they'll see our
true face, how bad evil and hostile we are in reality, and not
like us (which would mean they'd be clever!). I am the leader
and I'm the only worthy president of the e-mag scene! Oh and
yes, you ask what happened to Mohammed, well he is member of
the socialist party but he is in reality very capitalistic! So
he is also in jail now, a slave of my government!!
SOME Li'L BiTS O' PROPAGANDA by Y0SHK@, information minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
Hello y'all, here's my 1st article. I'm the minister
o'information as ya prolly know, so what'm I gonna do? I'm
gonna make sum propaganda for our party's aims. So what're our
aims and how'd I express them in an euphemistic way? A
difficult question indeed! That's the difficulty, the
difficult task o'every info minister, or let's better say
propaganda minister... whoops, I shouldn't o'said that! But
y'all know, the media're fucked up, they only serve who pays
them money, which in many countries is the ruling party. If
it's not the ruling party, well, then the ruling party'll soon
not roole any more. So whadda heck, the ruling parties are all
democratic parties anyway, so why'd you need change in
government. Only with them, democracy can be preserved! So if
ya're a true democract, ya must vote for that special party,
i.e. in case o'my country, the "Revolutionary Cynic Front for
Change in the Sense of Syncretism", in case o'most European
countries, for a socialist party (or, as they use to call them
nowadays, "social democrat" paddy), in case o'America the
Democrats who're very democratic indeed, and in case o'China
the Communists... you see, the Chinese actually are the most
open and least hypocritical people nowadays! Well, apart from
us Afghanes o'coz, I mean who else than shitheads would call
themselves "Revolutionary Cynic Front for Change in the Sense
of Syncretism". Look and think about what this means!
Revolutionary means we wanna make a revolution, well we did
that, we fucked everybody else up. We're also cynic, however,
which, well, means that we have a pretty dry sense o'humour,
almost sarcastic, and a bit nihilistic anyway - who isn't like
that nowadays. Then we're a front, so we ain't a party but we
make use o'military, o'arms, o'weapons and so on. We're for
change, say the next two words, so what change do we want?
change in the sense o'syncretism. Means that we want to
install a syncretist government, form a syncretist society,
but do ya know what syncrestism means? No - then look it up in
a dictionary! Syncrestism means merging o'habits and
traditions from several religions and actally this is quite
counterproductive for a basically socialist party as we're
because socialism includes atheism! That's also what many
socialist parties in the rest o'the world neglect nowadays,
their leaders even visit the pope, and not to smoke dope but
because they respect him. Socialists should be atheists and
atheists shouldn't respect the pope who's just a man like
everybody else (except us, because we're the rulers!). They're
really hypocritical and that's also what applies to us but we
don't say it o'course because this would open the people's
eyes and we don't want this. We want to stay in power. That's
it. We have the support o'the people because they're so naive
to think we're for democracy and not even that, that we grant
democracy. Hei, you'd read a bit o'Marx, then you'd think
differently, then you'd know what we really want. But actually
you shouldn't care because this's better for us!
iMPORTANCE OF POWER by WL@DiMiR iLYiCH, defense minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
A quick hello to my readers, here is WL@DiMiR iLYiCH, the new
defense minister. What do you ask now? I wonder. What my task
is? Because there are no enemies of us? Ah! You are a bit...
naive. Yes, naive! The contrary is the case! There are many
enemies... potential enemies. We regard everybody as an enemy
who does not follow our orders absolutely obediently. You
understand? Yes, you understand! I see that! You don't? How
naive you are... Don't you see, we want to become the rulers
of the world? Yes, that's our alterior aim! So actually I'm
not a defense minister but rather a war minister. But as I'm
member of a party that adheres to the socialist values, I
cannot call myself a war minister. You understand? Yes... no,
you don't. I should not be so naive to falsely assume that you
were a critical and thinking person. Look, socialists are
pacifists. At least that's there outward facade, because Marx
says something completely different in his theories, but it's
good that most people do not know them. So, what's the matter?
Well, simple, we must call ourselves defense minister to show
our pacifism, that we only fought justified wars, which people
think to be wars in which we are attacked. In reality of
course every war is justified which we lead, also if we attack
people. But we must not call ourselves, or better, I myself, a
war minister, because that's an old term the monarchists and
conservatives used and we want to look better than them. Of
course the best word for me would be peace minister, but then
again, this sounds too nonsense, doesn't it? And everybody
would know, even the naivest, that it's simply euphemistic.
E-MAGS AND POLiTiCS by Y0SiP, foreign minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
I've watched e-mags very closely lately, and I came to one
conclusion, namely that they do not serve their purpose of a
platform of political propaganda well enough. They may be the
spreader of the word of extra-parlamentarian opposition from
time to time, they may serve their government from time to
time, but most of the time they are unpolitical, and that
sucks. E-Mags are made to manipulate people and how do you
want to manipulate them if you are not political? Politics is
manipulation, as simple as that: rhetorics, nonsense contents,
collective stultification. iMPH0Bi@ is still the best of the
conventional e-mags because it contains some so-called
anti-racism propaganda. But it is true, honest aims, so it is
not so good. A good e-mag should serve a bad aim. Like eL
aFGH@N0: make people believe they are worth doing anything
although they are not because if they read our mag well then
they have nothing to do because it is actually a waste of
time. Of course they should not know it, and it may be
counter-productive that I said it now so openly, but I guess
that you are intelligent enough that you already realized it
all the same, so I do not really care about this. In any case,
eL aFGH@N0 is certainly, definitely the most innovative, the
most revolutionary e-mag in the whole world. I am proud that
my country was to make such an e-mag first, although I should
be a socialist. But nationalism and socialism get along well.
Just think of Slobodan Polpotovic.
THE SECRET SERViCE REPORTS by Li0NiD, interior minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
Hello my dear friends! I welcome you to my little corner. I'm
very glad that you read it. I'd like to talk to you a lot, but
I can't really do that! You see why, I'm here in a country far
away from most of our readers. But I'm the minister of the
interior and so I have to care for my country's interior
affairs most. But that's not all! I'm also the head of our
great Afghane Secret Service (ASS). That's the main occupation
of an interior minister, actually, just in case you didn't
know it. Our ASS consists of three parts, an interior secret
service (like Shin Bet), an exterior secret service (like
Mossad) and a military secret service. Altough I'm called
minister of the interior, I'm occupied with all the three of
them. In some other countries this is a bit different of
course, e.g. it's the prime minister who cares about this
stuff. But we don't have a prime minister, we only have a
chief of the junta (and head of the people's republic). Even
in the past, we didn't have a prime minister, only a
chancellor. Well, the difference isn't that great, but it's a
difference. Don't you agree? That's why I organise the secret
service, and it's very successful. E.g. we have more new great
news about Northern Korea. Let me recite the report to you!
"Kim Chong-il visited the 234th teacher brigade in order to
inform himself about their productivity. He was very pleased
to see their latest achievements, such as a 100% brainwashed
schoolclass of 18 children. To reward them for their great
contributions to the glorious North Koreanian nation, he
proudly presented each of them with a machine gun and posed
with them for a photo." Okay, okay, you expected that, I know!
But we also have even greater news, e.g. that Kim Chong-il was
visited by a foreign delegation, some revolutionaries from
Laos. It's very important for a country to have such
informations because information is very important in the
western information society which we want to establish in
Afghanistan too. We know too that now Joschka Fischer also
plans to visit a comprehensive school in order to present them
with molotow cocktails. He thinks that in this way it will be
easier for him to pass his abitur. We learned that from our
cultural attach in kraut-eater land.
by MiCH@iL, agriculture minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
.... Sorry ... for setting no topic ... but ... I really ...
don't know ..... what to write .. about ...... We ... farmers
... we cannot speak ....... because we have to work .... all
the time ..... but now we ... must not ...... do this any
longer ....... because ... we ... we're in a country ....... a
country dominated by the classes of the working people and the
farmers ... and .... and ..... and we will rule the country in
such a way that ..... nobody must work. At least I believe so.
YiPPiEH YEAH! by P0L, education minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
I am very happy - I have become education minister. This is a
very special thing because, I have no education myself. And I
will realize one thing, that nobody alive will ever have
education. Because, there is no good education. Everybody who
is educated, is miseducated. That is not good. The miseducated
are not worth to exist. We will sort out every body
miseducated from uneducated. Only the uneducated are good,
throw the others in trash. How to see who is miseducated?
Glasses. If they were glasses they are miseducated! Even worse
if they can write their own name, I mean do like that when I
order them. Any serious man must not can do this. The others
are not worth. Really, they are bad, you must believe me. I
know it because my teachers were very bad men. They were
miseducated. That is the reason. And by eradicating the
miseducated we can prevent COUNTER-REVOLUTION!!
Yes! You gave us the cue!
Counter-revolution, that's what we do!
Uninstall autocracy,
reinstall democracy!
THiRD EDiTORiAL by Mohammed Napolon, leader
--------------------------------------------------------------
Haha, Arturo Ui is in jail! And I, I, I am the new leader!
Again! Very cool! It's cool the people are still unaware that
I'm as anti-democratic as Arturo! And here are the results of
the presidential elections! :-
100% Mohammed Napolon, main editor eL aFGHANO
0% all other candidates
You see, now I'm the president of the e-mag scene! And that is
what I wanted! Thank you my subjects, now I'm going to rule!
-- Sorry to interrupt you, Mohammed, but you know well that
international spectators noticed a lot of irregularities
during the elections. The main irregularity was that only
0.1% of the electorate voted, and this was you yourself...
So we will need to hold the elections again... Sorry,
Mohammed, but I am forced to attach the votesheet to this
issue again. Monteverdi, maestro --
GO TO JAiL! by Afghanbashi, the coexistent
--------------------------------------------------------------
Now we're finished, with our cabaret magazine, I hope you
liked it. Or not, we don't care anyway, Mohammed Napolon, do
we? Right! So see you until the next issue: eL aFGHANO #4 -
LOST FORGETNESS!
