Sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own body
All human beings have complexes, some more than others, but no one can say that at some point he has not felt rejection by himself, either with his attitude, his body or another internal or external variable. I think that is where my problem started, I was never a normal or similar girl; I was always too sensitive, the nerdy, the reckless, the one that everyone liked and disliked, because to be honest I didn't fit in with them. But that is only the beginning, I will explain why I am a stranger in this body.
How it started ?
Since I was little I had to live with the constant comparisons with my twin sister, my classmates always emphasised how different we were and how beautiful she was and of course, my life would not be marked if it had remained in simple comments of 6-year-old girls The problem is that it was like this until 17 years old. There were years and years of cruel comments, which for many were "harmless jokes"; not for me and they marked my fragile self-esteem.
“Since that time I feel like I am floating on my own body, like a vulture waiting for the slightest fall to attack me. I have struggled all my life to understand, love and accept myself. And the harsh truth is that it was hard and hard to love and love myself, because it is something I have never done. ”
I know that I am blessed to see, walk, breathe, hear and speak; but still nothing seems to be enough, nothing makes me happy, I am like a stranger to myself. It is ironic that the world says "accept yourself, you are perfect" while throwing stones at you in the form of "you are not pretty" and yet they expect you to smile, pretend insanity and continue as if nothing. It's weird, because society is crazy and you end up going so crazy to the point of forgetting that everything is subjective.
And now?
At 22 years old I think I can say that there is no correct way to tell you that you love yourself, because we all have good and bad days, days when you look at your reflection and say "but how precious I am" and others in which There's just nothing you like. But, there is one thing that I am clear about and that is that to accept everything that you are and what you are not, you need to make peace with yourself. Stop judging both the actions and attitudes you have, stop for a moment and go back.
I think that as people we forget that not only those around you deserve compassion, but also yourself, the problem is that it is easy to comfort and find beauty in others, but not in yourself. Perhaps if they taught us to love ourselves from a young age before others, there would not be so many broken hearts.
Sometimes, more than I can remember, I asked myself, "The girl I was would be proud of what I became? And the answer is always I don't know. A part of me doesn't want to accept that it changes and that I really don't know myself at all. I feel like a stranger because despite not knowing me I believe I have the right to punish, hurt and humiliate myself, something I would never do with the people I know.
There are times when I stand in front of the mirror or I am simply lying down looking at the ceiling where I can't stand it, I don't like myself, I just can't cope with my own company.
What I can do ?
I would love to say that there is some motivational point to all of this, but no. Because even I don't know what to do with myself when the air is lacking and the only thing I see is the blur of the road due to the tears shed, I don't want to say that there is no way out because I know there is or is what they have told me, just tell them to be strong and start with you, without expecting a ransom from someone else.
Do not drive people away from your side for fear of throwing thorns because you may not even tolerate yourself. Do not be afraid of fear, it is completely natural to do it, it does not matter that you do not stop until you stop being a stranger in your own body.
