SCHOOL IS HELL -- Lessons 4 through 6

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 · 4 years ago

  

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 Ý             SCHOOL IS HELL -- Lessons 4 through 6             Tfile     Þ° 
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                                SCHOOL IS HELL! 

(Adapted from the cartoon by Matt Groening.) 

[>   Lesson 4:  Wake up!  You'll be late for your first day of school!   >] 

"Welcome to school, students.  Would you like your education the quick way,  
 or would you like it spread out over a dozen years?"  
"QUICK WAY!" 
"THEN SIT STILL AND SHUT UP.  Your squirming days are over.  First: 
 Learning has nothing to do with life.  Learning is passive.  It must always 
 be tedious.  So don't sass back.  You're all basically worthless little 
 creeps fit only to take orders.  Your concerns count for nothing.  What is 
 important is what WE say is important.  So do what you are told and you 
 will stay out of trouble.  Everyone knows you won't do anything unless you   
 are bribed, tricked, or forced.  Because nothing is worth doing for its own 
 sake.  So learn to be bored.  We're bored, so you should be too.  If you  
 live in a daze, you'll be less unhappy.  Any questions?" 
"That's it?  That's our education?  We can go now?" 
"Of course not.  We have some time to kill.  Have to keep you tiny monsters  
 off the street till you're 18, you know.  Open your books to page 1, and  
 we'll begin." 

[>   Lesson 5:  What I learned in school.   >] 

        "Why is it that all you failing students have such negative  
        attitudes?" 

1st grade: 
"We're all going to put our heads on our desks until the nasty little boy who  
 defecated in the urinal comes forward." 

2nd grade: 
"You say your grandmother is from Russia?  I'm very sorry to hear that.  You  
 know, they don't believe in God in Russia, and Christmas is against the law  
 there." 

3rd grade: 
"The class has been divided into three reading groups.  The gold group and  
 the silver group will stay here.  The brown group will go to a special room  
 in the basement." 

4th grade: 
"And you'll stay in the garbage can until you can be a good citizen." 

5th grade: 
"Draw a small circle on the blackboard.  Now stick your nose on it while the  
 rest of the class goes out for recess." 

6th grade: 
"Thank you for writing "I must remember to be cheerful and obedient" 500  
 times.  Now watch while I slowly rip it up before your eyes." 

7th grade: 
"OK.  Sex education.  Um, is there anyone who doesn't know?  Good.  Next:   
 dental hygiene." 

8th grade: 
"You little brats are laughing now--but you won't be laughing when you get to  
 high school, where there are gangs, drug pushers, and negroes." 

9th grade: 
"Perhaps this flunking grade will steer you in the right direction." 

10th grade: 
"So you think marching in the hippy-trippy peace demonstration is more  
 important than school, eh?  Then I guess this "F" won't matter much." 

11th grade: 
"I'm afraid that insolent remark about our President will go on your  
 permanent record, young man." 

12th grade: 
"If you think you can get through life drawing silly cartoons, you've got  
 another think coming." 

1st year college: 
"Mr. Gru-nink, I'm getting very bad vibes from you.  The rest of the class  
 groks what is going on--why can't you?" 

2nd year: 
"The sooner you all face up to the fact that you are lazy, untalented losers, 
 unfit to kiss the feet of a genius like Friedrich Nietzche, the better off  
 you'll be." 

3rd year: 
"Listen, I'll give you full credit as long as you don't come around and  
 bother me anymore." 

Final year: 
"You do what you do tolerably well, Mr. Gro-nig.  Now you must ask yourself:   
 Is it worth doing?" 

[>   Lesson 6:  The 9 types of grade school teachers   >] 

        "I'll say this for you:  You're the worst student in the class." 
        "Somebody's gotta be the worst." 
        "You won't get anywhere in life with a defeatist attitude like that." 

The good mom: 
        Quote:  "Whoever admits putting the thumbtack on my chair will get a  
         great big hug for being so honest." 
        Advantages:  Easy to please. 
        Drawbacks:  Makes being bad no fun. 
        Warning:  Often "bad mom" in disguise. 

Ms. Sunshine: 
        Quote:  "I think 'please' and 'thank you' are the most beautiful 
         words in the English language--Don't you?" 
        Advantages:  Slow to rile. 
        Drawbacks:  Can be pushed over edge. 
        Warning:  Turns into "Miss Raging Tornado." 

The big pal: 
        Quote:  "I believe this next yo-yo trick will prove a very 
         interesting scientific theory." 
        Advantages:  Acts like a kid. 
        Drawbacks:  Kind of scary. 
        Warning:  May be fired mid-year. 

Jumpy: 
        Quote:  "If you kids don't settle down in five or ten minutes I think  
         I'm going to be slightly upset." 
        Advantages:  Easily manipulated. 
        Drawbacks:  May go berserk. 
        Warning:  Screams to restore order. 

The bad mom: 
        Quote:  "Sit down.  Be quiet.  Speak up.  Hurry up.  Pay attention.   
         Do it again." 
        Advantages:  Predictable. 
        Drawbacks:  Repetitious. 
        Warning:  Has eyes in back of head. 

Grandma: 
        Quote:  "When I was a little girl we didn't give our teacher the  
         finger when we were bored." 
        Advantages:  Slow-moving, poor memory. 
        Drawbacks:  Cranky as hell. 
        Warning:  Surprisingly fast and strong. 

The Sarge: 
        Quote:  "Rule #10:  No late papers.  Rule #11:  No monkey business. 
         Rule #12:  Shape up or ship out.  Rule #13:  I am never wrong." 
        Advantages:  Plays favorites. 
        Drawbacks:  Torments scapegoats. 
        Warning:  When s/he smiles, look out. 

The martian: 
        Quote:  "You brats think I'm over the hill?  I've got news for you:   
         I AM the hill." 
        Advantages:  Acts weird. 
        Drawbacks:  Acts REALLY weird. 
        Warning:  Weirdness is contagious. 

The monster: 
        Quote:  "If you're all going to act like stupid little fools I'm  
         going to treat you like stupid little fools.  No recess for the rest 
         of the year." 
        Advantages:  None. 
        Drawbacks:  Plenty. 
        Warning:  Run for your life. 

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