THE ALIENS ARE EATING MY HEART OUT

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

Shawn Da Lay Dawg

 · 4 years ago

  

 
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 Ý       THE ALIENS ARE EATING MY HEART OUT!                       A   ßßßßß° 
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 Ý        Written by: Doctor Murdock                          Distribution Þ° 
 ÜÜÜÜÜ     Inspired by: A spec on the wall at Macy's.           Centere    Þ° 
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                   THE ALIENS ARE EATING MY HEART OUT!! 
                             ror - alucard 

 
    Does nobody care?  Fuck, I am sick of these piranha schools of human 
swine swarming around me like blood thirsty IRS storm troopers!  I have paid 
my dues!  Yesterday in fact...the check is IN the mail.  I just got back from 
the mall and have witnessed the true sickness of this most heinous holiday. 
People, herding together like blood clots, racing from store to store, from 
bargain to bargain.  Take a close look into the eyes of any one of these 
people, and you'll see the disease, you'll see that blank fiery that compels 
them.  Misguided souls walking blindly through a maze of dubious faith and 
masked depression.  They buy and buy, flowing through the halls and isles to 
the steady thud of a heartbeat, until they reach the brain, and then WHAMMO!! 
Missions accomplished!  Eat your heart out! 

   I thought I was in the clear...it now being less than a week from 
Christmas and all I had to show for it was ONE Christmas card!  THAT WAS 
GREAT!!  I didn't have to buy a single thing for anyone!  But NO!  Today the 
devil danced down my block and fiddled that old familiar tune.  I saw the 
mailman approaching from the kitchen window, so I slid into the pantry and 
stood in front of the door, staring at the mail slot with unblinking eyes.  A 
wave of silence only the dead could rival flooded over me...I was fully aware 
of what could happen.  My mind was tottering at the edge of sanity just 
waiting...and waiting...and waiting.  I was barely breathing, and then I 
heard his footsteps coming up the brick stairs.  Clud, clud, clud.  Ever 
since I was 17 I've dreaded that sound with a passion.  The only news that 
comes through that wretched hole is vile and corrupt.  Bills, bills, and more 
bills.  To be a mailman you have to be one cruel and cold son-of-a-bitch.  It 
is 100% mandatory for every mailman to be a neo-sadist, human reject who 
froths at the mouth like a three legged, rabid dog who was castrated at an 
early age.  Clud, clud, clud.  Then silence.  ARGH!  I heard the rustle of 
letters as he groped around in his bag for the scrolls of death that belonged 
to none other than yours truly.  That bastard!  I could feel him smile at 
that very moment.  He paused for his cause, looking down at a handful of 
red and green letters and cards.  HE KNEW WHAT THEY WERE!!  HE KNEW!!!!  But 
still, he shoved them through the mail slot with a menacing force!  An ocean 
of brightly coloured paper splashed onto the floor and washed over my shoes. 
I stood there with my mouth wide open...all hope was lost.  Then I heard the 
paddling of his feet as he quickly ran down the front steps and away from my 
yard in a sort of speedy and gleeful skip, laughing like a long insane mutant 
that only the US government could take responsibility for creating.  So there 
I was...I must have stood there for 20 minutes, looking down at what little   
of my shoes I could see, sinking further and further into the sands of 
despair.  Then one word came sprinkling down onto my head like a clear, 
refreshing mist.  ESCAPE!!  BOOZE!!  NOW!!!  Ok, so it was three words, but 
they sounded in my head so fast I couldn't tell which one I thought of first, 
so they were One.  I quickly ran to the refrigerator...NO BEER!!  I ran even 
faster to the liquor cabinet...NO HARD STUFF!!!  I was doomed!!  My soul 
shriveled up and died just then.  I could feel those alien scum swooping down 
from black skies, diving right into my blood red heart and feasting like 
blind, cannibal ravens....