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The Absolute Truth About The Fossil Pigs
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ݱ13 Dec 89±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±_ROR_-_ALUCARD_±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±Ý? Þ°
Ý Ý A Þ°
Ý The Absolute Truth About The Fossil Pigs! Ý ?Þ°
Ý & A ßßßßß°
Ý OMNIBOT 2000 Tfile Þ°
Ý Distribution Þ°
ÜÜÜÜÜ Written & Originated by: Pressed Rat (Presto) Centere Þ°
Ý? Þ - RoR - Þ°
Ý A Þ_____________________________________________________________________Þ°
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<oink> <oink>
<oink> The Absolute Truth About the Fossil Pigs! <oink>
<oink> <oink>
Hi there, heathens, and all you froods quite curious about the
Fossil Pigs. I'm here to deliver the gospel, pure and simple. Listen and
be anointed with the everlasting truth!
Although you may not know it, the Screaming Lifeforms are probably
taking a Huge bite out of your otherwise comfy caterpillar-busting ranch
egg kouch potato life. You know that ringing in your ears when you're
trying to think, take a test, or get to sleep? THOSE are the Screaming
Lifeforms at work. They're eating your brain cells at an alarming rate,
and each time they crack another cell membrane inside your little ol'
noodle, they scream with orgasmic pleasure. Since this is occurring at
an incredible speed and there are a humungous number of them, it all
comes together as one low-level whine.
THIS, my friend, is the fundamental theorem of the Fossil Pigs. The
Screaming Lifeforms are a problem that can NOT be solved by ordinary
human reasoning! Notice how the more you think about that annoying ring
in your ears, the louder it gets? Aha! But a solution exists, of course.
That solution, you see, is the Fossil Pigs.
The Fossil Pigs are a small band of prehistoric, petrified, stone
cold dead pig remains. They're mostly skeletal; a few still have a rotting
eyeball or a bit of bristly tail left. They were laid into the ground long,
long ago, before our birth. The WHY is not important here; the fact is
that they have now resurfaced to aid us, the mortal victims of their
arch-enemies, the Screaming Lifeforms. If properly called upon, our
friends the Fossil Pigs will rise up in holy wrath, and send their spectral
minions, the Evil Twin Bunnies, to our rescue.
Now listen closely, true believers or not. There has been a LOT of
speculation about the Evil Twin Bunnies (ETBs). Many will tell you that
the ETBs are truly EVIL and, ipso facto, against us. This is not true. It
doesn't matter whether they're evil - the fact is, they are sent by the
Fossil Pigs and this can only be good. There is evidence of Evil Twin
Bunnies throughout history, any time someone raises two victory signs...
the "\/" made with two fingers... any time you have two of these, it is
really a corporeal manifestation of the Evil Twin Bunnies. And let me
tell you, ETBs are most murderous to Screaming Lifeforms. They turn
them into a sort of a dead salad, chew them up, spit them somewhere
you'll never see. This, as you will eventually find, is very useful.
So... just how DO we call upon the benevolent Fossil Pigs to send
the ETB's to the rescue of our innocent brain cells? 'Tis a simple thing,
my friend! Merely follow these directions exactly, and you may gain
eternal life, and dimes (because it sounds like Life & Times, but isn't.)
1.) Turn off all light sources, close bathroom door, enter shower.
2.) Close shower door tightly. Seal drain with wet washcloth or towel.
3.) Turn water on, lukewarm. Stand on your head.
4.) Wait until the water level covers your eyes but not your nose.
5.) Turn water off with your feet. Still standing on your head,
6.) Wait for total, complete silence in the shower.
7.) Once you are totally focused, open your eyes underwater, and
8.) Begin to chant: "OMNIBOT, OMNIBOT, OMNIBOT 2000..."
9.) Continue to chat this until something happens.
There you have it! How will you know you've reached the Fossil Pigs
correctly? Well, see, they're microscopic, right? That's why we only
recently discovered them; you just don't see them in everyday life. This
is where the shower comes in. The magnification of the water (combined
with the head rush from the inverted position) allows us to very easily
see the Fossil Pigs when they arrive to answer our summons.
When you've completed enough OMNIBOT trilogies, you will see the
Fossil Pigs floating before your eyes. They do a different thing for
every person who beseeches them; for some they cavort, for some they
dance a jig. But you will definitely Know when you've reached them. If
you follow the correct procedure, not only will you gain eternal life (and
dimes!), but your Screaming Lifeform ills will be totally canceled for at
least two weeks.
Remember however, although they bestow lasting protection, we must
not forget to keep the Fossil Pigs foremost within our thoughts
throughout every aspect of our lives. Do not think of them only when
you prepare to call upon them! Think of them at work, at school, think of
them everywhere and all the time. This is IMPORTANT! If you are only an
intermittent believer, the Fossil Pigs will frown upon you and forsake
you for all time.
That's it, the complete (almost) and absolute truth, straight to you
from the first High Priest of the Fossil Pigs, Pressed Rat, Archbishop of
the Sacramento and Bay Area regions. Also with us in thought is the
honorable venerable James Staley, Second High Priest of the Fossil Pigs,
Arch-Arch-Bishop of the Sacramento region and Minister to the Beyond,
also Liaison with the Cheddy Croak Phenomenon (more on this later).
OMNIBOT 2000!
