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SCHOOL IS HELL -- Lessons 1 through 3
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SCHOOL IS HELL
(Adapted from the cartoon by Matt Groening.)
Good morning, pupils. It's time for School is Hell -- So can the chatter,
you monkeys, and listen up.
[> Lesson 1: Is School Hell? <]
Quotes from those who know:
"Yep. School is hell."
"It ain't heaven."
"The concept makes me nervous."
"Hell school is."
"Will this be on the test?"
Teacher: "School is a place of learning. Where the sacred traditions of
our culture are passed on. Where children become acquainted
with today's ever-changing modern world. Where the adults of
tomorrow are prepared for fruitful employment and independent
thinking. You know, the only place where success comes before
work is in the dictionary."
Student: "And the only place where a diploma comes before mind-crushing
boredom is fantasyland."
What school does to your brain:
Infancy: "What's happening?"
Emotional state: Happy, confused.
Nursery school: "Something going to happen."
Emotional state: Jumpy, screechy.
Grade School: "Very little is happening."
Emotional state: Hopeful yet fearful.
Junior high school: "Nuthin's happening."
Emotional state: Psychotic
High school: "Nuthin's still happening."
Emotional state: Giddily depressed.
College: "In an uncaring, meaningless universe, what can possibly
happen?"
Emotional state: Drunk or despairing.
Adulthood: "What happened?"
Emotional state: Unhappy, confused.
An honest teacher speaks out to the youth:
"School is teachers who don't knowing teaching facts that aren't true
to kids who don't care. Any questions?"
Unfortunately, the class is asleep.
[> Lesson 2: Nursery school-The hellishness begins >]
"Cheer up, my little one. You have only 14 to 18 years of school to
go."
Oh boy! Nursery school!
At last! An escape from home, from the endless hours of TV game
shows and soap operas, from the tedious crawling over the same boring
floors, watching the same boring dust balls--An escape from isolation
and forced naps and hidden cookies. WELCOME! WELCOME TO THE
ROUGH-AND-TUMBLE WORLD OF NURSERY SCHOOL HIGHJINKS!
"You mean to say it's not a jail for children?"
For goodness' sake, no. That won't begin for another year or two.
Those other little creatures--Are they demons or what?
Those little creatures who are poking, pinching, and hitting you are
not monsters, animals, or TV images--They are small, powerless human
beings just like yourself. You might wish to poke, pinch, and hit
them to make sure.
Fatigued? Nervous? Freaked out?
Try rocking back and forth, rolling your head around, sucking your
thumb, or clutching at your genitals. DRIVES ADULTS CRAZY.
Things to do:
1. Form small tribes.
2. Set up a hierarchy, complete with rules, bosses, and taboos.
3. Disdain the opposite sex.
4. Forage and hoard. (blocks, dolls, etc.)
5. Brutalize outsiders.
6. Take breaks for juice and cookies.
This is probably your last chance to be artistic!
That's right!! Seize the opportunity to experiment with gleeful
abandon, before they show you how to do it right, and ruin
everything. Hold a brush in each hand! Paint on the table! See
what paint tastes like! Paint on the floor! Paint on other kids!
Paint on yourself! Spend the rest of your life futilely trying to
recapture the spontaneity!
Secret Nursery school fun.
During naptime, lie on your little blanket on the floor and feign
sleep. When the teacher walks by, you can look up her dress.
Your education has now begun.
[> Lesson 3: The wild, wild world of kindergarten >]
"Remember: What's learnt in the cradle lasts till the tomb."
"Tomb? Tomb? What's this about a tomb?"
Welcome! Welcome to kindygarden, or, as some of the less mature among you
call it, kindygardy. That's right! No more wimpy little baby school for
little babies--This is the big time.
What they do to you in kindygarder:
First, they make you leave all your cool shiny war toys and sexy
plastic dolls at home. Instead, they give you a bunch of clunky,
dirty, worn, boring toys made out of dumb wood or something. True,
these toys have fascinating chew marks on them, but they are really
really really really really hard to break. Okay, then the lady makes
you do stuff, like march around and sit still and sing songs and
listen to stories about bunnies. The bunny stories can be quite
amusing, actually. Then you go outside to play. Go for the
swings--they're the funnest. Then it's back inside for crackers and
warm juice. You can cause a ruckus by calling it "worm juice."
Kindergarden is the last place you'll be able to ask any question that comes
to mind without fear of getting smacked in reply.
"Can dogs meow?"
"Is up down?"
"Is tomorrow today?"
"Why is your nose so big?"
"Will you be dead when I grow up?"
"If God is everywhere, is he in the toilet?"
"Can cats oink?"
WARNING: You may be smacked anyway.
Big mean grown-ups and their sneaky tricks
They will try to get you to incriminate yourself:
"Did you break those bottles?"
"NO!!!!"
It is easy to see through this tactic.
Beward of their crafty manuevers. Don't let them catch you off-guard
"How did you break those bottles?"
"I pushed them off the table."
A common blunder.
Here's the tried-and-true response to all blame-seeking queries.
"Who broke those bottles?"
"HE did!!!"
So kindygarter is fun, even though they don't have any TV there and the big
lady talks too much and she pins notes to your clothes because she thinks
you're so stupid you'll lose'em on the way home. The good part is
kinnergarten lasts forever but the bad part is it really doesn't.
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