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Getting Even Chapter 09
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º
º ³ MILITARY ³ º
º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
The canard that began World War II in Europe was based on the tenets of
dirty trickery. On 1 September 1939, a group of what appeared to be Polish
soldiers attacked a German radio station near the two countries' borders. In
"self-defense," German units then fired upon Polish units in Danzig.
That stunt actually started World War II.
The so-called aggressors who attacked the German radio station were
actually inmates from German concentration camps, dressed in Polish army
uniforms, driven from Germany to the radio site near the border and injected
with the lethal drug skophedal. The dying men were spread out in what appeared
to be a firefight scenario and riddled with bullets by German SS men. A few
who survived told the story. The German code name for this "military"
operation was Canned Goods.
While serving as a guest of Uncle Sam, I had some intelligence
assignments. There I found out that there are two types of intelligence --
military and human. Or as Groucho Marx said, "Military intelligence is a
contradiction of terms."
You can get arrested for falsely wearing the real uniform of the armed
forces. That's why some tricksters don't wear an actual uniform but either
build or rent a replica that surely looks real. That way they are free to give
speeches, shout orders, make bogus policy pronouncements, hold press
conferences, use rank, and all sorts of other bits of theater from which the
average citizen might infer that the actor really does represent the official
military. This sort of incorrect inference could cause all sorts of
public-relations and worse problems for the military establishment. Could this
be considered contributing to the delinquency of a major?
Although the Yippies are a generation or so forgotten, and at least as
this is written, our army is no longer a high-profile domestic villian, someone
may still want to pull one off for old times' sake. A Jerry Rubin trick would
be to find a somewhat deserted area of a large public recreational park. Place
some official-looking, commercially printed signs in prominent places. The
signs will say:
WARNING
Army war dogs training in this
area. Very Dangerous. Keep all
children and pets within sight.
If Army dog approaches do not
move under any circumstances.
--U.S. Army. Official--
Guess who will get blamed when frightened citizens complain to the town,
city, county, state, feds, or whoever is in charge of the park. Guess how many
brass hats will have to visit the site, investigate, write reports, and give
explanations.
According to Captain DeGeorge Media, things got pretty bizarre over at the
Pentagon when the intelligence boys found that OPEC intelligence agents had
broken the Pentagon ZIP code. Hah! Can you military agents reading this book
break the code I just used? -- MESSAGE ENDS --
Speaking of military-intelligence agents, I recall that especially
obnoxious recruits, second lieutenants, and other lower-order sorts could often
be sent on a fool's errand that often multiplied into more harassment than the
stunt was really worth. If your mark caught a first sergeant with an
especially bad hangover or an ill-tempered senior officer who'd just dicovered
that his daughter was pregnant by some recruit from a Third World military unit
attached for training -- well, you get the idea. Anyhow, you can send these
marks out to bring back a rubber flag to be flown on rainy days. Or you can
send the idiot out to bring back the cannon report. If you're air force, a
five-gallon drum of prop wash is an appropriate errand target -- or a bucket of
prop pitch or a box of RPMs. The navy is good for sending someone to get
stuffing for the crow's nest, a biscuit gun for the galley, etc. You can
always send someone to the post or ship's print shop for some dotted ink. A
trip to the supply stores for plaid paint is fun. The best part is that they
almost always fall for such nonsense. I think that says something about the
military's effect on human thought processes.
If you have access to the sound system over which Reveille is played each
morning, you might move up that magic time of day by, oh, say half an hour or
forty-five minutes -- just enough to screw things up. The next day, make it
fifteen minutes late. Another day, play it in the middle of the night. Always
play it a bit louder than usual.
In a similar sense, at one summer camp, a national guardsman switched the
Reveille record for a rock record one morning. Another morning, recorded Rusty
Warren and her humor greeted the troops.
Some solid general advice for getting even within the military comes from
a high-ranking and experienced military man who is now a biggie in the VFW.
You know he's qualified to give advice.
He suggests, "The military is a blizzard of paper, paranoia, and intrigue.
A dirty trickster who understands this and can parody the system will drive a
mark to ruin. A good primer for action is to read CATCH 22.
"You will find an abundance of politics, ass kissing, back biting, gossip,
and reputation hunting and destroying among career military people. It's an
absolutely fertile ground to grow dirty tricks. A nastily clever person will
have no trouble getting even for all the petty bullshit the military inflicts
upon sensitive and logical people."
Thinking about sensitive and logical people brought Selective Service to
mind. When we last had a draft, during the Vietnam unpleasantness, all sorts
of young men did all sorts of bizarre things to evade it. However, a true
dirty trickster would think in 180 degree terms -- why not invade the draft?
Simply register yourself in about three dozen locations with an equal number of
draft boards. As far as I know, the law came down on only you if you failed to
register. I guess I don't have to list the reasons why someone might wish to
get even with the Selective Service system or a particular board.
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º
º ³ MOTION PICTURES ³ º
º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
Hugh Troy was a famed artist who was also a hardcore practical joker.
Once, the manager of a motion-picture theater offended Troy. Troy went into
the same theater the next evening, after secreting several jars of huge moths
on his person. Soon after the feature began, he released the creatures, all of
which flew directly into the beam of the projector and stayed and stayed and
stayed....
Have you ever sat down in a darkened theater, later finding your posterior
has been parked on someone else's sticky candy bar or chewing gum from the last
show? Did you ever go to a movie house, feel you were ripped off by the poor
feature, get up and leave well before the film is finished, and still be unable
to get a partial refund?
Peanuts Campbell used the restroom of a local movie house, and when he
flushed the facility it backfired on him, staining his new pants and causing
other patrons to both turn up their noses and turn away their eyes in
annoyance.
Another person was served buttered popcorn in a tub that leaked the gooey
liquid all over his date's dress. Management refused to pay any claims. The
patron of a stage theater had his pants torn on a potruding seat spring. No
damages were paid, and his attorney said the amount was too small to take to
court.
What's next? Peanuts Campbell has an answer.
You must have a quick, clear exit after this action. Peanuts Campbell
used to take a container of lukewarm vegetable soup into a movie theater. He
sat in the front row of the balcony. He made the sounds of being sick to his
stomach -- choking, coughing, retching -- then dumped the soup on the people
below. The same tactic also works at sporting events, public meetings --
anywhere there is a crowd below you. But you must have a good escape plan.
The point of all this is to have dozens of irate patrons demanding damage
settlements from the managements of the establishment. If you don't feel
adventuresome enough to dump on your fellow customers, simply go into the
theater early and, while no one else is around, place gooey chewing gum on
random seats. Pick seats aways form the aisle or ceiling safety lights. You
may also use a slow-drying glue on the seats.
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º
º ³ MUNICIPAL SERVICES ³ º
º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
A former CIA operaive who specialized in sabotage shared a couple of
theoretical ideas about some cheap tricks. He suggests that if a municipality
has corroded you with its parking corruption, then a return is only fair. He
suggests a squirt or two of concentrated battery acid into a parking-meter
slot. Repeat as necessary, he adds.
He has an excellent caveat to go with this, though: "If you do this sort
of thing needlessly and unprovoked, it is nothing more than criminal vandalism,
which is stupid, and you deserve what you get if you're caught.
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º
º ³ NEIGHBORHOODS ³ º
º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
Be the first in your mark's neighborhood to become a blockbuster. It's
time to fuss up the mark's neighbors again. Find a real estate agency that
deals mostly with blacks or Chicanos. Posing as the mark, call the agency and
invite a salesperson out to talk about the sale of the mark's neighbor's house.
Don't hoke up your role with a lot of brotherhood stuff -- play it straight.
Now, if the mark is a good, solid white citizen living in a neighborhood of
same-minded bigots, you have a wonderful deal going for you. The kicker is,
you give the salesman the mark's name and the neighbor's address. Obviously,
you must pick the most rednecked, bigoted neighbor to be the fall guy for the
black or Chicano salesperson. By the time the "mistake" gets straightened out
who's going to believe the mark? Not only have you alienated his neighbor, but
you have taken a big chunk out of his credibility and popularity. Black is
beautiful, especially when it's the color of the mark's reputation among his
peers.
This stunt works -- a person I know used it. He's a professional ball
player who went into a furniture store with his wife to buy living-room-and-den
suite of furniture. The clerk was bigoted and exceptionally nasty. My friend
calmly asked to see the manager, who turned out to be worse than the clerk.
The black customer suddenly flashed his wallet full of green money, and both
white guys blanched. No further words were exchanged as the married couple
left the store. Two days later my friend called a black real estate agency.
You just read about what happened next.
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º ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º
º ³ NOTARY SEAL ³ º
º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
Possession of or access to a notary seal is vital to a trickster. To the
average layperson and common lawyer, the mere fact of a notary seal on a
document is like God's own rubber stamp. Many times you will need to have a
document notarized as part of the scams explained in this book. Having your
own seal kit is the obvious answer. Some firms sell real ones -- "official" --
on the black market. Some sell replica kits, which are not official. Avoid
these -- some are so crude that they wouldn't even fool a politician. I know
one trickster who had a seal kit custom made -- by a con in a California prison
print shop. The con had been an engraver in civilian life and really knew his
work.
You can buy a blank die kit openly from any shop stocking seals.
Corporations use them all the time, which may give you a tip right there about
the value of seals. You can have a custom seal made by many of these
companies.
However you obtain it, get a notary-seal kit. The uses of it pay off the
first few times you scam someone. In addition to the notary seal, you should
also get a couple of other official-looking dies. Commercially and openly, you
can obtain blank dies with state logos, or you can get one that looks like a
U.S. eagle. All sorts of possibilities exist.
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º
º ³ OIL COMPANIES ³ º
º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
The soaring oil prices and lack of leadership got so bad late in 1979 that
all the dedicated and honest congresspersons got together to protest big oil.
But who is afraid of seven people!
You remember the Great Gasoline Ripoff of 1979, when the oil companies
raped the driving public both coming and going? Petroleum magnate Jimmy
Slushslinger related this story: A regular customer pulled up to a service
station and said, "Fill 'er up." As he was paying the bill, he said, "Oh
gosh, all I have is a fifty-dollar bill. Sorry."
The gas jockey replied, "No problem -- you can pay me the rest next week."
Starting rumors at the inappropriate time is the something else to do.
For example, if your mark happens to be a gasoline station owned by a major
company, and a lot of citizens are in a gas line waiting for their semi-annual
pittance of overpriced petroleum, you could walk onto the scene wearing
oil-smeared coveralls and stroll down the line -- just out of sight of the real
station personnel. Tell parked motorists that all fuel is gone. If anyone
gets belligerent, use the "I'm a minimum-wage employee, but the boss said if
anyone got angry to send the bastard to him, because he'll sure cool him off in
a hurry." Don't wait around for the cooling-off period.
Cut out a stencil that has the word ARAMCO on it, then spray it with white
paint under the word STOP on all the stop signs in your town or near a large
oil-company office building or refinery. Aramco, in case you didn't know, is
the major oil cartel that works with OPEC to rob American citizens.
During the 1979 oil-company blitzkrieg against the American public, a
guerrilla fighter hit back. He cut a sliding door in the floor of his van. He
had a three-hundred-gallon tank installed in the van, along with a small
electrically operated pump and a twenty-foot hose. He drove in only to
company-owned gasoline stations, parked over the main tank caps, then used a
wrench to open one. He dipped in his hose, turned on the quiet pump, and
filled his tank with three-hundred gallons of free tigers.
Bruno Tannetto dislikes oil companies. For years he played credit-card
bingo with them, pirated cards, counterfeited cards, and ran up huge debts and
skipped them -- all in the name of guerrilla warfare against the oil giants.
He also saved all the postage-paid return envelopes they used to include with
his bills. Since he rarely paid, he had quite a collection of envelopes,
which is when he really got his rocks off.
Bruno collected a bunch of heavy rocks and boxed them up in a sturdy
carton, which he marked, "Caution -- Geological-Core Samples" and addressed to
whatever oil company he had the envelopes for. Using the envelope as the
"postage," he mailed this heavy box first class to the oil company, which had
to spring for the huge postal charges. He did this many times to several of
the giants.
Giggi Hilliard tells about a chap who played nasty to get an oil-company
operation into some difficulty. The agent provocateur's mode was forgery, and
here's what he did. While on a routine visit to the oil company's corporate
offices, he swiped an internal memo from a desk while the secretary was out of
the room. He had his printer create some blank memo sheets using the company
logo. Then, using a safe IBM typewriter and following the style of the company
original, the trickster wrote a very sensitive memo from one oil-company
manager to another. The memo discussed the need for deep cover to prevent
leakage of sensitive financial contributions to state and national political
officials. He then leaked the memo to the press.
"The idea behind this," Hilliard explains, "is to cause the oil company,
or whatever mark you choose, to have to explain and deny. Nobody believes them
anyhow, so you give that big business another credibility black eye. Great,
huh? You can use this same tactic with any corporation, utility, or business.
The list of sensitive topics is limitless. But always use real officials'
names on the forgeries."
Consult OVERTHROW (see section on Ma Bell) to obtain the telephone-credit-
card numbers for the major oil companies. Use this information to you best
advantage. Beware: Oil companies hire experienced FBI, CIA, and
drug-enforcement people for their security staffs. The security and
intelligence operations of the oil industry are as nasty and effective as
anything the feds could put together, and they are not hindered with what few
laws do restrict the federal law-enforcement people. You have no civil or
human rights when the oil-company security and intelligence people go after
you. When dirty tricking the oil companies it is crucial that you practice
WYA, which means Watch Your Ass!
Recently, a lady trickster called the wife of an oil-company robber baron
and pretended to be a lowly cleaning lady at corporate headquarters. Telling
Mrs. Oil Executive that she, the cleaning lady, was a good Christian lady who
believed in the God-given sanctity of family and marriage, our "cleaning lady"
revealed that she often had to clean fresh semen stains from the couch in Mr.
Executive's office after "private, after-hours conferences" between the boss
and his young secretary. That's all, just a simple telephone call from a
simple, honest, God-fearing lady to a stay-at-home wife who's probably already
paranoid about her executive-husband's extracurricular sex life. If more
right-minded citizens cared about the moral decline among executives in the oil
industry...
By now you surely owe that friendly and cooperative printer a few glasses
of lemonade for being your co-cospirator in a number of scams. Here's one
more. Many of your area's prominent citizens should recieve a fancy invitation
to attend a special local social function hosted by your favorite oil
corporation. The invitation should read something like this: "Admit bearer
and guest for the special Hollywood entertainment and buffet on [day and date].
Informal dress from [time] to [time] at [location]."
Try to pick a Saturday or Sunday and mail the invitation only a day or so
prior to the nonevent. This won't give the doubters, cynics, press, or anyone
else much time to ascertain the veracity of the invitation.
In the summer of 1979, after reading newspaper stories about how the major
oil companies were raking in untaxed windfall profits ranging from 35 to 130
percent, Melvin Lierd decided enough was enough.
"I had no mere dirty tricks in mind; my whole idea was to rip those
bastards as much as I could, the greedy, lying thieves," Melvin muttered
mildly.
His plan was simple. He obtained credit cards from as many companies as
possible and charged as many products and services as possible only from
company-owned stations.
"I ran up bills as high and as fast as possible. I had absolutely no
intention of paying," Melvin explained.
Asked if he got the cards in his own name. Melvin responded, "Nah, I got
them in a fake company name. I run up as much as I can, then pay them each $5
or so, claiming it is only a token payment because we're a new company, but I
will make the rest soon, blah, blah, blah.
"The greedy bastards are so anxious to make money they'll just add on
those outrageous interest charges -- usury rates, they are -- and drool at how
much they're screwing me on financing.
"I'll string them along for a couple of months; then, if they get serious,
I'll simply dissolve my company and let them eat their bills."
Do lawsuits bother Melvin? He rates lawyers and judges slightly below
clam feces on his scale of respect, and he says, "Let them sue the company. It
has no assets. Plus, they gotta find me. Let me tell you something, old son
-- you have to use the law. There is no justice, so you use the law to suit
yourself. How do you suppose the big oil companies and the big lawyers and the
big judges and all the other crooked snakes got so powerful -- by using the
law!"
At last report, Melvin Lierd was draining the oil giants at a rate far in
excess of his own expectations. He has invited many of you to join him.
Not content to live by the rule of "steal from them before they steal from
you," Carl Bepp likes to add things to the oil-company stations' bulk tanks.
He says that many of the additives described earlier in this book and elsewhere
will work. But, he does have a sentimental favorite.
"Once, some land rapists were drilling a noisy, sloppy gas well near the
home of a friend of mine," he relates. "Since they were stealing from the
land, I decided to steal some land from them.
"One evening, when they were finished drilling for the day, I got some of
that slimy, mucky gunk that the drillers had bailed out of the well. I took it
to my most-hated oil company's very own station and dumped three two-gallon
buckets of that gunk down into their bulk tanks."
He said he has also used several gallons of refurbished solid wastes,
known as sludge, as another additive for the oil-company products.
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