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Getting Even Chapter 03
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º
º ³ CARS ³ º
º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
This one's really kiddie Halloween time, but it does work. A bunch of
old nuts and bolts placed into the wheel well behind the hubcap will make the
mark think his/her car is falling apart. It's worth some minor harassment, of
course, and works outstandingly well with high-strung nonmechanical typed who
absolutely panic at car noises.
You can get a little heavier than Halloween by removing a hubcap from
your mark's car wheel and loosening or removing the lug bolts. Sooner or not
much later, the wheel will simply roll off the car.
Moving up the escalator of nastiness, you could probably fill your mark's
whole body with adrenaline if you placed a split shot sinker, of the type used
by fishermen, on the accelerator cable of his/her vehicle. Willy Seamore, a
top mechanic, suggests you extend the cable, then place the lead weight on the
extended portion, which effectively blocks it from returning. This means the
vehicle's throttle will run wide open. It's a nasty version of the
jack-rabbit start.
From choking up to locking up is hardly a quantum experience. The new
miracle glues are impregnable when squirted into car door keyholes. Nothing
short of a locksmith can repair this low-risk attack. If you hit just before
the mark's family vacation, leave the car door locks alone and hit the trunk
lock. With any luck, they'll never notice until they're miles from home.
A refinement of simply putting a super glue or epoxy into the car's
various locks is to take any old key that will vaguely locks is to take any
old key that will vaguely fit into the lock cavity, insert it, then twist it
rapidly back and forth until the key breaks off, stuck in the lock. Now is
the time to squirt glue into the lock. The job is more permanent and more
costly to repair.
If you tire of fooling with the locks, you can look elsewhere. Marshall
Tanner, inventor of muffler bearings, says you can prop some large-headed
nails against the tires of your mark's car, especially if it's parked so it
will have to be backed up to get out of a parking stall in a lot. The car
moves back and the wheels roll over the nails, puncturing tires.
If your mark's married, you can have all sorts of sport with his ride. A
male mark deserves that you slip sexy undergarments usually worn by a sexy
lady under his car's front seat or wedge them carefully into the back seat.
You could tear them a bit. More than a hint of perfume or flavored douche
will always hype suspicion. You can escalate this stunt somewhat if you buy
male underwear--get the sexy style in white--and place some lipstick smears
around the fly area. You can help the campaign along by having a very trusted
lady friend call and ask nervously for the mark. The younger she sounds, the
better. Have her call several times. Use your and the mark's wife's
imagination.
If the mark is a woman, a pack of condoms carelessly hidden in the car is
always a sure-grow plant. Several daint handkerchiefs of the type favored by
milady and heavily impregnated with semen can also be stuffed in the car. As
with the male, a series of appropriately timed telephone calls from a nervous
male will add to the marital festivities between mark and spouse.
In less carnal surroundings, if you can get to the distributor cap,
remove it and use graphite from a pencil to contact the rotor brushes. The
charge will run along the graphite, causing the engine to misfire. This could
cause the mark to dash into his local car butcher and get charged an
outrageous price for an unnecessary tuneup.
A quick way to disable a car battery is to slip a couple of Alka-Seltzer
tablets or a teaspoonful of baking soda into each battery compartment. The
antacid will kill the battery's power before you can say "Plop, plop, fizz,
fizz."
Another camhead nasty is to take a pushpin and jab a few tiny holes
through spark-plug wires. According to Lee H. Santana, a real straight
shooter in the dirty-tricks department, the pin pricks cause a hellishly
rumpety noise when the car is driven.
Don't forget additives when working on a mark's car. The nice thing
about additives is that you don't have to be odd or even to use them. Many
experts, including some of Uncle Sam's khaki-clad nephews, suggest light
materials, such as crushed cork, as a great additive to the gasoline tanks of
vehicles belonging to people or institutions you don't like.
One former professional trickster said, "It isn't to exotic, but a
handful of old leaves in the gas tank will bind the damn engine up too."
Sand is not recommended because of its weight, especially when wet. It
would sink to the bottom of the tank and not much would be introduced into the
engine, he explained. The idea is to get the additive to the bearing
surfaces, where the coarse little buggers can kick and scratch up a mechanical
breakdown. Silicone carbide, emery powder, and fine metal filings will work.
During World War II, our OSS used a mixture of finely ground cork, resins,
carborundums, and metal alloys to muck up an engine.
Another method that could possibly send a driver off to a service station
would be to pour a gallon of shellac thinner into your targeted vehicle's
gasoline tank. The alcohol will gather up all the water in the fuel trap, and
when this mixture goes through the fuel line it will cause the vehicle to
snort, stammer, and act as if it has big carb troubles. By the time the
driver gets the vehicle to a mechanic, the problem has usually departed out
the exhaust pipe. Done enough times, this one can redline the frustration and
credibility levels of both the driver and the mechanic.
If you want to use additives in your mark's gasoline tank, yet are
concerned about arousing suspicion in daylight or in an otherwise
high-visibility area, simply adopt a cover prop.
"Put the harmful additive in a metal gasoline can like they sell in
stores," advises Joey MacJohns, a veteran trickster. "That way, any potential
witnesses will never really pay attention to what's happening; they'll simply
infer because you have a gas can that you're putting gas in the car."
And don't forget oil additives. Styrene, a colorless, oily liquid, is an
organic compound that is one of the two chemicals mixed together to make
hardened fiberglass. Boat-supply stores and marinas have styrene available
for patching fiberglass boats. It is also used in body shops and
upholstery-repair places.
There are substitutes compounds that will do the same job as styrene, so
read the label when purchasing the stuff to make sure you're actually getting
styrene. Styrene is the only sufficiently effective, commonly available
material that can be put into a car's crankcase to completely break down the
oil and ruin the engine.
Styrene in the crankcase is far better that sugar in the gas tank because
it can't be seen after being introduced and because only a little does a
thorough job. If it's used at the rate of one per four quarts of oil, the
treated vehicle will run about a hundred miles before the engine locks up
tight.
This is a fairly high-risk stunt, but it could be fun if you don't get
nailed doing it, according to Bill Rally. If you find that your mark is going
alone to a movie you have an hour or so to have some fun with his automobile.
If you're motivated enough to carry off this stunt, no one has to tell you how
to start the mark's car without a key. After you start it, drive to some very
nice homes with pretty lawns. But stay fairly near the theater, so you can
get back there in a hurry. Do donuts, dig out, and otherwise use the car to
make a shambles of lawns, shrubbery, flower beds, etc. Run over lawn
furniture, hit mailboxes, and try to frighten some old people by coming really
close to them with the car.
This is a real hit-and-run mission. Do your dirty driving fast and get
the car back to the theater parking area even faster. Park it and leave. If
you've done enough damage, all sorts of police reports will be out on the car.
The second or third question the police will ask the mark is whether he or she
has any witnesses for the movie alibi.
That can be a real blast. But if you want another sort of pop, dig
deeply into the potato bin for this one. My thanks here go to all those great
truck farmers who say a potato jammed into a vehicle's exhaust pipe is not
explosive, but it will cause all sorts of nasty problems. In one case, the
mark parked his car with the rear end towards his home. His tormentor jammed
a fresh, hard spud tightly inot the car's exhaust pipe. The mark started the
car on a cold evening and waited a few moments for the engine to warm.
Meanwhile, the hot gases, unable to escape, built up dangerously behind the
potato....Woom!...KABLOOM!... With an explosive roar, the gases fired that
big, hot, hard potato right into the metal siding of the mark's home, just
fifteen feet away from the exhaust pipe, which acted as a cannon barrel. The
holing and denting of the siding cost $150 and a day to repair.
There are all sorts of other devices that make good muffler bombs. A
firecracker may be shoved into the vehicle's exhaust pipe, pushing it along
with a stiff wire until the explosive device falls into the muffler. It takes
only a few moments of driving with today's hot exhaust gases to explode the
firecracker. Even a fairly small firecracker will cause panic, escpecially if
the driver is paranoid to start with. If you want to destroy the muffler and
drive the mark's panic into the fantasy of having his/her car really bombed,
substitute an M80 or a shotgun shell for the prankish finger-sized
firecracker.
If the violence and property destruction of this bothers you or causes
you to grimace, consider this next happy face. Most mail-order and novelty
stores sell very realistic rubber-faced masks, resembling everything from an
ape man, through a drooling idiot, on down to a Ronald Reagan mask. Select
one that looks especially gross--like an old man, or the idiot, or Richard
Nixon. Position is so it looks realistic on the back of your head. This
leaves your vision unobstructed. Head for the road in your car.
Just as another motorist overtakes your vehicle to pass you, lean out the
window. The effect on the approaching motorist would be interesting to
observe, as that other driver will see a drooling goon looking back, directly
at him, with no apparent concern for the road ahead. I bet very few cars
actually pass you with this stunt in operation.
Taking the license plate off a mark's car can be a good shot, even you
don't want to steal the thing for other nefarious purposes. How many times do
you look to see if the plate is on your car? A cop has only to look once. I
bet it would be fun to hear the mark's explanation of where his license plate
has gone.
Don't you get really happy when some defective excuse for a human
suddenly pulls his/her vehicle out directly in front of yours or cuts you off?
Marty Mullin has a solution in hand.
A delightful person, Mullin reveals, "I bought a top-quality pellet
pistol, one of those compressed-air guns, which I keep in my car. You can use
either the cartridge or the pump type--just to be sure you get one with enough
power to penetrate metal. Get a supply of the .177-caliber pellets, too.
Then, next time some dip pulls out in front of you, pull up behind the dip's
vehicle and get in his/her blind spot. With a truck or van that's easy
enough. Then you bring your pellet gun into action.
"Plunk a shot into the mark's vehicle, the trunk for a car, or the back
of a van or rig. If it's a big truck you can get in quite a few shots,
because the driver is not likely to hear them. A van or car will make a
helluva TWHUNK when that pellet hits, so be cautious.
"There's no discharge noise, because you're not using a firearm. After
your attack, back off and proceed your business as if nothing has happened.
You probably have not taught the mark a lesson, but you feel better for what
you just did--I guarantee that."
I asked Mullin about the posibility of hitting a passenger who is riding
in the back of the mark's vehicle. He replied, "Then, that passenger also has
every right to be furious with the dippy mark for pulling out in front of
you."
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º
º ³ CB RADIOS ³ º
º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
Want to send your neighborhood CB nut a message? This nut is the CB
addict who refuses to filter his/her equipment and thus disrupts TV, stereo,
AM/FM, and other normal communication for blocks. Usually, these idiots are
about as sensitive to other people's feelings as Idi Amin was to the plight of
the poor. In both cases a lesson is called for.
To do this effectively, heed the lesson of Sterling Orco, who says you
must personally interdict the mark's CB antenna. It would be well to do this
when the mark is away from the home area. Unfasten the CB coax line from the
mark's antenna. Then clip two leads of a regular 110-volt line to the CB
coax--one lead to the center conductor, the other lead to the shield. Small
alligator clips will do nicely. Then, hop down from your perch near the
antenna and plug the other end of the 110-volt wire into your mark's nearest
outdoor socket.
Next time he/she turns on the CB and hits the transmit button...well,
words fail to describe the results adequately. One comment--even the repair
people will shake their heads.
A bit less destructive, but no less nasty, is the old pin-in-the-coax
trick. You prick a tiny pin through the plastic outer cable and through the
shield. Be sure it touches the center conductor. Then cut the head off the
pin and push it in some more--out of sight. The plastic should close behind
the pin, making the wound invisible. Just make sure that the pin
short-circuits the center conductor to the metal outer shield. Do a couple of
these along the coax between the antenna and the CB set. It does stuttering
wonders for the transmission.
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º
º ³ CHARITY ³ º
º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
Charity begins at the home of your mark. You simply volunteer his/her
services to the charity's recruiting chairperson, giving the name and address
of your mark. These charity drives are so happy to get volunteers these days
that they will rarely verify your call. That means the first contact the mark
has is when another volunteer shows up at the door with all sorts of campaign
and collection materials. In many cases, the mark is too embarrassed to
refuse, and you've added to his/her workload.
If you think that's a dirty trick to pull on a charity, ask them how many
cents out of each dollar go directly to the victims and other people who are
at the bottom of the line for help. Besides, your mark might turn out to be a
great charity worker.
You can call in generous pledges in your mark's name during telethons and
other charity drives.
You can also call in pledges to bothersome telethons, using
double-entendre names. For example, when one public-TV station held another
of its semiweekly fundraisers, several contributors announced over the air as
pledging financial support included Clint Toris, Seymour Kunt, Connie Lingus.
Margie Kowalski used to work for the Salvation Army. She suggests that
you call the local Salvation Army, Goodwill, or whatever charity and report
youp mark for stealing out of the organization's pickup boxes. Report the
mark by his auto license number. Say you work at one of the stores near the
collection box and you've seen the mark rob the box several times. You can
also report this "crime" to the police.
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º
º ³ CHEESE ³ º
º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
It's tried and true, but I bet you haven't heard of it since you were a
kid. This one came from Alabama, the old Limburger-cheese-on-the-muffler-of-a
-new-car trick. The exhaust manifold works well, too, as a surface for a
cheese spread. Or you can simply place som of the same substance behind a
radiator in a home or office. Once it's burned on, the smelly sour effect can
last for weeks, despite robust cleaning efforts.
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º
º ³ CHILD ABUSE ³ º
º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
I heard a real horror story recently where a truly evilminded teenager
[Hmmm...] swore to child-abuse officers in her county that her parents beat
her. They hadn't and didn't. Never mind; the bureaucrats came bouncing out
of the woodwork, and the harried parents had to appear in court to defend
themselves against the lies of a teenager with mental problems [Hmmm II...].
The parents were looked upon as villians, even though the judge dismissed the
charges as unfounded. Their attorney (yes, they had to hire one to fight
government persecution) advised them against a jury trial because they'd lose
on the emotionalism of the issue, regardless of the facts. Nice.
All this leads up to the fact that you can report your mark as a
child-abuse offender. Acting as a "concerned neighbor," you can tell the
authorities. The hassle is unreal. After you've done this, a few anonymous
letters to the mark's employer about the "child-abuse thing" will help out.
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º ÚÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º
º ³ CIA ³ º
º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÙ º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
Your mark might have sneaky points you never thought about. For example,
maybe your mark would make a good CIA employee. You could easily find out.
Write a letter of application to the agency using your mark's name. The
agency get hundreds of letters from would-be action agents, such as unemployed
gangsters, karate freaks, ex-soldiers, Walter Mitty types, etc. I doubt that
they take many of these seriously, but they might be interested in talking
with a highly qualified technical person, such as an analyst, area expert,
journalist with oodles of foreign experience, language expert, or economist.
Advanced college degrees and military service abroad as an officer are fine
credentials for your mark. Make up a good solid background. It is probably
illegal for you to make a false application in your mark's name using phony
credentials.
Send resumes to: Personnel Representative
Central Intelligence Agency
Washington, D.C. 20505
You can also send in an application in your mark's name for a CIA job at
the field office in the nearest city. Yes, they are listed in the telephone
book.
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º
º ³ CLASSIFIED ADS ³ º
º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
Classified advertisements in your local newspaper are inexpensive little
bullets that can cause major wounds to the mark's psyche if properly aimed.
For instance, suppose you had a score to settle with some bitchy neighbors.
You could insert a classified ad to "sell" their automobile. Price it five
hundred dollars less than market value, instruct callers to call after midnight
(shift work is the explanation you can offer), and explain in the ad that quick
cash is needed for an emergency. That will bring in the phone calls.
You can also put your mark's house up for sale. Again, ask potential
customers to either call or visit at hours that will be very inconvenient to
the mark.
The "personals" in newspapers can provide even more fun. Maybe your mark
ought to advertise for "young boy and girl models to pose for 'art' pictures."
You should use his/her home or business telephone here for return calls,
whichever would cause more difficulty for the mark.
Placing ads is a snap. Most newspapers let you do it right over the
phone, and most of the ad people I've talked to say they rarely verify a
classified ad. Take a tip from that and don't make it outlandish. As with any
practical joke, there has to be a credible amount of reality to the premise for
the sting to work.
While you're thinking of newspapers, don't foget those sexy tabloids and
their really gross cousins that let readers advertise all sorts of weird sex
things. I don't know whether any of that is on the level, but it's worth
finding out--in your mark's name, of course. Maybe you'll be doing him/her a
favor. But somehow I doubt it--there's no such thing as a free lunch.
You might help the mark share his new friends' sexual talents. Place an
ad in one of the target audience magazines--the publication that runs very
explicit and very honest classifieds. If you're not sure, contact a local
sympathizer and ask him/her for help.
You might write you ad copy like this:
"Soft white male aged 35 wants to play with black lady with large
buttocks. Bi-couples welcomed for Greek and French culture."
You can really make bondage and S/M optional, depending upon reality, the
publication, its audience, and your mark. You really ought to study the target
publication before you word the ad. The kicker is that you will register the
mark as the sponsor of the classified ad. Read a section of this book that
tells you about using a neighbor's address and the mark's name before you get
started.
If you decide to run kinky classified ads for your mark in SCREW, BALL,
and whatever, be sure you get some copies of the issue in which the ad runs.
That way you can send originals or Xerox copies to the mark's neighbors,
relatives, business associates, and friends. Enclose a brief note asking how
they can even admit knowing such a perverted person. Offer to pray for them.
You could use the name and address of another friend, neighbor, or business
associate as the return address for this note.
Help your mark out of the closet by running a classified announcement ad
in homosexual publications. Have her/him grandly and proudly announce that he
or she is gay and has dated and/or married only for cover. Now, he/she is
coming out and telling the world she/he has taken a lover--and name a friend,
neighbor, or business associate as that lover. Libelous? Yes, it is. Don't
get caught.
Using classified advertising, Bill Colbeley had an auction for one of his
many marks. He followed the usual auction format to prepare the newspaper ad,
then ran it when the mark and his family were away for a weekend. The ad was
one of those "Job transfer--everything must go--fanstastic bargains" types so
normal to an industrial community. But let Sweet Old Bill tell the rest of his
story:
"I set the time of the auction for 7:00 A.M., so that just as the sleepy
mark was rolling out of the sack about that hour, he looks out on his yard and
sees about three hundred salesgoers out there trampling all over his lawn,
garden, and flowers. It took an hour for the mark and the police he called to
get the crowd out of there."
Although it's not strictly a classified advertisement, the little
index-card notices that people place on bulletin boards in bars, supermarkets,
laundromats, and other public places are great ways to harass your mark. Just
about anything you can use in a newspaper can be used on these more personal
notices. But the advantages are, they don't cost anything but the time
required to prepare and post them, and you can be a lot more wordy,
descriptive, and personal than you can with a newspaper advertisement. Folks
seem to read these very regularly too, as I know from my personal use of this
community advertising medium with legitimate messages.
Downloaded From P-80 International Information Systems 304-744-2253 12yrs+
