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Getting Even Chapter 08
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º ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º
º ³ MAIL ³ º
º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ º
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The Ku Klux Klan has some interesting strategies for spreading terror.
One of these is to collect from regional newspapers clippings of unsolved
arsons (or robberies, rapes, burglaries, assaults, etc.). If you need to
fatten the file, include clips from national publications too. Place the clips
in a manila envelope and tape it to an old gasoline can (or ax, bra, shotgun
shell, jimmy bar, etc.), which you leave on your mark's home or office
doorstep.
David Williams is the pen name of a Texas state legislator who spends his
working hours as a freelance writer. He told about Jim Boren (pen name of a
friend), whose great idea for practical joking was to send single-entendre
postal cards bearing personal, sexual, or medical messages to William's home.
"Since I met Jim Boren, I hide from my postman," Williams notes.
Williams is not Boren's only victim. Many of his friends suffer from
postal cards such as the bogus Playboy Towers Memo that pointed out, "Davie
boy, thanks for taking care of my friend while she was in Austin. I was
envious when she told me how things went down. Love, Elvira."
Or this hotel postcard came from Hong Kong, addressed to Williams via his
pen name at his real address: "She's no longer at the topless bar. But her
sister at the massage parlor thinks she went to Seoul. I can pursue it at the
embassy, but will have to disclose your personal interest. Please advise."
It is signed by J. Harley, identified by a return address as "Harley's
Detective Agency" in New Orleans. There is no Harley, no agency, no nothing at
the return addresses.
Jim also sends cards to people's wives. One said: "Sorry, couldn't make
it this time. My wife came along."
One of Harley's better efforts at postal assassination was this gem, sent
from Toronto: "Thanks for your help with the bail money. You done better by
me than President Nixon did by his boys for doing about the same thing. If I
get the book thrown at me later, I'll ride it out, but I want a written
agreement on the money and I don't want you saying ugly things about me in the
papers if they learn about your personal role in this."
From Cleveland, Jim Boren sent David Williams this postcard: "The cops
found your name and address in one of the girls' diaries. They may be in touch
soon. -- A friend."
This next stunt is also accomplished through the mail. Posing as a
medical researcher, Elmer Surehe says, you can probably con some crablice eggs
from a supply house, for a price, of course. The eggs are inserted with an
innocuous business letter into an envelope addressed personally to the mark.
When the mark opens and unfolds the letter, the lice eggs drop onto his/her
clothing and surroundings.
It would make sense that nothing in this letter connect back to you, of
course. Some people have used the name and return address of another mark.
The resulting confusion will ensure that two marks are unhappy.
A critic felt that this tactic would be unfair because an innocent
secretary, business associate, or spouse might intercept the letter and receive
the dose. Two observations -- first, people shouldn't read personal mail
addressed to other people; and second, sometimes the innocent must scratch
along with the guilty.
A pulled-punch version of the lice-eggs letter is to use itching powder
instead. It's easily available from novelty stores, or you can make your own
following the directions printed in some of the formula books available.
Sneezing powder is another alternative.
A suggestion for a nastier ingredient came in from a former agent of the
American intelligence community who got paid a lot of money for planning and
implementing things like this. He suggests a chemical tear-gas powder heavily
laced into an envelope, noting, "It will clear a mailroom or an office in
minutes."
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º ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º
º ³ MAIL DROPS ³ º
º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ º
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These are essential if you're going to carry on any sort of correspondence
with a mark or with suppliers of services and equipment. Depending upon the
circumstances, you will need either a postal box or a regular street-address
mail drop. Post-office boxes may be obtained in any name, although you will
have to present some identification documenting your "identity."
If your scam is a short-termer, pick an apartment with many little boxes.
Choose an empty one, claim it for the duration, and have it checked daily. Put
in your little name card and use that exact address on your returns. The
mail-delivery person doesn't know or care who comes and goes. Or you can have
a very cool and trusted friend front their address as you as a mail drop.
However, this person must be prepared and capable of carrying off a very
plausible denial. You'd better think this one through before involving another
person. Deniability can be a tough rap for an amateur.
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º
º ³ MARRIAGE ³ º
º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
Carol Sludge and a friend decided they should stage manage an entire
wedding for a mark. So they did. She handled the gown and bridesmaids'
goodies, and he did the satorial bit for the men. They got invitations and
arranged for a church, a reception hall, a caterer, and an orchestra. They did
it all in the name of the mark and his fictious spouse to be. They chose a
time when the mark was on vacation to send out invitations for the Sunday the
mark was due back in town. Everyone showed up for the ceremony -- everyone but
the "bride and groom." Guests were somewhat miffed, and merchants and others
descended upon the mark at his place of business Monday morning, wanting to be
paid for goods and services.
Beyond that, what do you turn to after the old standard buns of wrecking
the marriage ceremony have been batted around the bachelor-party table? Here
are some quickie suggestions, brought to you by the Reverend Robby Gayer:
1. Hire a woebegone lady with a young child to troop into the reception
and confront the groom-mark with the question of his continued child-support
payments.
2. Hire an outstandingly healthy young wench who is just brimming over
with sensual physical charm. She should cause heads to turn if she's costumed
correctly as she vamps up to the groom-mark and plants wet soul kisses on him,
cooing, "Don't forget our past, love. And when you're tired of that little
girl next-door, you know where to find me." As she leaves, she stage whispers,
"Last [night, week, whatever] was just super. Don't be such a stranger --
you're too much man for that."
3. Call the church office before the ceremony and say that a crazed
ex-lover of the bride plans to destroy the reception. Just as the reception
begins, arrange to have many M80s or grenade simulators exploded.
4. Consider bringing additives into play with the punch and the food.
5. Hire someone, grief stricken at the loss of the bride or groom, to
messily and dramatically "attempt suicide" at either the ceremony or the
reception. Be sure to have associates to carry the victim out quickly for
"medical attention."
6. Hire someone to become physically sick during the ceremony or the
reception. With luck, you can get a member of the wedding party to do this.
7. Use many additives in the groom-mark's drinks during the prenuptial
bachelor party.
8. Hire someone to slowly and dramatically flash the minister for the
back of the church while everyone else is facing front. This also works well
if there is a singer in the choir balcony. Try to upset him or her during a
song.
9. Call the state police or the drug-enforcement people and give them a
complete discription of the car that will carry the bridal couple on the
honeymoon. Report that the couple and the car are really dope mules, that is,
couriers of the drug trade.
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º ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º
º ³ MEDIA ³ º
º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ º
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The mass media -- newspapers, radio, television, and magazines -- can be
helpful tools in getting even, or they can be your mark in a dirty trick. I
suggest you keep your media-as-tool aspect relegated to local events and local
media. In general, newspapers tend to be conservative and stodgy and not much
interested in your rousing of the rabble. Most newspaper officials play golf
with corporate officials, and their common bond are advertising and profits.
Television likes good, visual consumer stories, and local TV stations will
go for local controversy more often than will local newspapers. Here are some
basic suggestions for using the media to help you in your getting-even
campaigns.
If the editor says the event is news, then it goes out to the public as
news. People don't make news; editors make news.
To impress editors you have to keep coming up with fresh action. You have
to be visual, outrageous, funny, controversial, and brief. Your message has to
be catchy, visual, and packaged to fit ninety seconds of time in the six- or
eleven-o'clock news slot. It's no wonder long-winded academics end up with
"Viewpoint," or "Talk Out" at 3:00 o'clock Monday morning. They don't know how
to use TV.
Now, how do you get even with the media when they deserve it? There are
several things you can do:
O Take or phone in a fake wedding story, being sure to give them a
legitimate-looking bride-groom photo. It doesn't matter who the people in the
picture really are. Most smaller and medium-sized papers will publish without
checking, which could lead to all sorts of wonderful things if you've been
inventive in your choice of marriage partners.
O Use a low-power mobile transmitter to add little bits of original
programming to your community's commercial radio station. Some people did
this in Syracuse, New York, and drove officials crazy with hilariously obscene
fake commercials, news bulletins, etc.
O Newspapers often have huge rolls of newsprint in relatively unsecured
storage areas. It is a low-risk mission to insert paper-destroying insects or
chemicals into those rolls.
O Some small radio stations are often loosely attended at night. Often,
only the on-duty DJ is around, and even he will have to go to the can
sometime. You might be able to wait until then or have an accomplice distract
that DJ while you place a prerecorded cassette with a message of your own
choosing on the air.
O With smaller newspapers, it is sometimes easy to get phony stories and/or
pictures published. Using you imagination, you can certainly cause a variety
of grief with their crime.
According to media consultant Jed Billet, if you have a financially weak
radio station in your area, you can often place ads for your mark over the
telephone. Agreeing, Eugene Barnes recalls, "A couple of years ago, I wanted
to get back at a doctor who'd really screwed up my family with some terrible
behavior in a business dealing. So I designated him as my mark and had him
'open a pizza business.' I called the radio station and had them run a
saturation campaign of twenty-five spots per day listing his name and home
address and telephone number, plus all sorts of promotional gimmicks, like free
delivery, free Coke, stuff like that. He had to have his telephone
disconnected for a week. The station ran the ads for a day and a half before
the doctor got them pulled. He had 'customers' off and on, though, for the
next ten days."
Newspapers, magazines, radio, and TV are businesses, very concerned about
their profit-and-loss statements. Sales, both of advertising and of audience
for that advertising, are vital to the media. Knowing this, old media hand Ben
Bulova has a scheme that works well most of the time.
"Most newspapers will start a subscription with a telephone call," Bulova
says. "You call in and order a subscription in your mark's name and address."
The next step, Bulova explains, is to call the mark and, using the real
circulation manager's name, tell him that you are with the circulation
department of the newspaper and that they're going to give the mark a free
trial subscription. That way, when the papers start to arrive, the mark thinks
they're free. When the bill arrives, the mark will call the real circulation
person. That conversation would be interesting to hear.
Bulova says that this will work with magazines and trade publications, as
well. He advocates an entire string of such gifts.
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º
º ³ MEDICAL ³ º
º ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
Either steal real medical test-report forms from a hospital, clinic, or
laboratory or have a friend get them for you. If this doesn't work, a trusted
printer will make some for you. You will also need matching return-address
business envelopes to mail the reports to your mark. Get some technical advice
from a medical textbook or a very trusted friend with a medical background,
then prepare a series of embarrassing lab reports for your mark. This could
include positive identification of such problems as venereal disease, drug
dependence, cancer, yeast infection, or mental illness.
The mailing of the bogus report must be coordinated with a telephone call
to the mark's spouse, employer, parents, parole officer, etc. Doctor Milo
Weir, who helped with this idea, recommends that multiple copies of the
diognostic report copy could be sent to public-health officials, and a
drug-problem might go to the state narcotics bureau.
If you're waiting in a doctor's examining room you will probably see all
sorts of goodies stacked around -- syringes, common drugs, medical equipment,
maybe a diploma or two. A couple of Yippies said they used to make
appointments complaining of vague symptoms just so the could rip off goodies.
Beyond simple pilferage, the opportunity exists here for introducing additives
to various products.
This should tickle the fancy of those true sadists among you. It comes
from the Olde Medical Almanak of Doctor Jerrold Andurson. He removes some of
the Preparation H from the regular container and refills that with tabasco
sauce. Andurson guaratees that this will give your hemorrhoidal mark one of
the hottest seats she/he could feel.
Andurson adds, "That reminds me of the observation made by the man who
caught his genitalia in a bear trap. He said that the second worst pain in his
life came when he came to the end of the trap's chain."
One summer, Will Gressle had the misfortune to be incarcerated in a
hospital wing run by a nurse who made Doctor Josef Mengele seem like Santa
Claus. An easygoing sort, Gressle was driven to revenge by this nasty
Brigadier of Bedpans. Here's what he did about it.
"In late November I was visiting my uncle's ranch in Idaho, where he
raises a few sheep. I got about seven pounds of farm-fresh sheep droppings and
put it carefully in an opaque, airtight plastic sack," he relates.
"I put that in a box, wrapped it in bright Christmas paper, and stuck
little happy-face and Christmas decals all over it. Then I wrapped all that in
heavy brown paper and mailed it to the nurse, in care of the hospital. I put a
fake return address on the package and a few holiday stickers on the outside,
too.
"I'm sure the parcel arrived at the hospital, where they have a little
tree in each wing and a small exchange of presents. It is my sincere hope that
Nurse Nasty unwrapped my gift in front of a lot of nurses, doctors, and
patients. She would finally get to the bag of sheep shit and a little note,
which read, 'Just returning a tiny little bit of what you are so fond of
dishing out in great amount,' signed, 'A Former Inmate.'"
Considering that the major side effect of medical treatment these days is
terminal bankruptcy, it is little wonder that the medical institutions and
personnel have become the target of so much getting-even thinking. In speaking
with people on both sides of this fight, I have concluded that there are only
limited stunts you can direct against these specific targets. Yet the range of
regular stunts presented in a dozen other chapters of this book are as
effective against medical institutions and people as against any other subject
-- perhaps more so, given the self-held exalted status of the medical
community.
For example, it's one thing if your mark is a contractor and suffers from
a venereal disease because of your getting even -- but think how it would work
for a doctor! Gossip travels fast in the medical corridors.
However, if you are thirsting for a few little goodies to toss at the
medical community, here's a mini-list of suggestions:
O Leave dead vermin at strategic points of a particular medical facility --
near the coffee shop, the kitchen, the emergency room, the visitor's lounge,
etc.
O Dressed in whites or other appropriate uniform, slip in with cafeteria or
kitchen help and put some harmless food coloring into foods. Or if you can
get in to where the staff food is prepared, more powerful additives may be
used.
O Borrow some medical-insurance identification from a cooperative friend or
otherwise obtain someone else's identification. Use this to charge medical
bills, either real or imaginary. The point is to get bills sent to a totally
innocent or totally unaware third party. If it's your friend, he or she is
part of the scam and will pretend to be outraged about the whole business.
Either way, the medical facility is the real mark.
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