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Fish Head Gang 02-01
_______ __ ____ ---------------------------------------------
__/ ___|\ / \/ ___\......Issue: FHG2-01.TXT.................. |
| ___| |_| |/ __ .....Author: Ajax......................... |
\/| | _ || \ \...Subject: Alan: A Case Study........... |
| _| | | | \_\ |..FHG Pak: 02 |
\__/ \__/ \__/\_____/_____________________________________________|
Excerpt # 1 = 'The Overview'
After weeks of studying Alan from afar, I am releasing my acculmated
studies to the general public through the kindness of the FhG. This portion of
information should be supplied to anyone who want's infromation of this kind,
or specific information on Alan, or BeezleBub clan worshippers in general.
Please, please, protect your self from Alan. He is very very mean , and
quite resourcsfull.
Section A: Getting to know the Aninmal
Alan Spotting in the Wild:
Alan is a very strange character indeedy. In his present locale, he
is very rarley ever seen. The main problem with trying to spot Alan
in his natural habitat (the school) is he never comes out if anyone
is around! This problem can usaully be solved by hiding underneath
a desk , in a closet, behind the black board, or any other suitable
location.
Alan's Apperance :
Alan is just plain ugly. Some words have been used to describe him -
revolting, un/inhuman, repulsive, hairy, tuna-smelling, squid like appearance,
uncharismic, ugly, and greasy.
Alan's Personal Hygenie :
Alan never has shaved a day in his life. To show his proud membership
in the Animal kingdom Alan proudly predomintaly displays his facial hair.
At distances past 6 feet, Alan is hard to distinguish between a clothed
dog.
Alan's Common Garb :
Alan loves to wear quite silly clothes. It is generally thought the purpose
of this is to confuse the indivual, or to make one think Alan is one of lesser
intelligence. He usually displays his favorite computer companies also.
His favourite colours include brown , yellow, light orangish hue
shades, pink, and his personal contriubtion to the world of color - oreen.
Which is a combination of orange green. To his great dislike, the colour is
commonly refered to as 'Alan' color.
Alan's Method of Oral Communtication:
At the estimated magnitude of 328.425253 Decibels this can hardly be called
a voice. Capable of shattering glass and eyewear, Alan's'Low' voice is barely
audible.
Commonly mistaken for a munchgans', particulary Papa Smurf, this voice is
extremeley annoying and is known to excite or/and cause agetation in subjects
which are in close proximity to Son of Satan a.k.a Alan.
Alan's 'high' voice is a fearsome Weapon. Alan's high voice can level
a small house within the scale of ten minutes. However the one 'plus side'
of this voice is it is not audible to humans. Even a dog has
a hard time hearing it by the way.
Section B: Protection from the Animal
Before we go any further on with Alans case study, we must discuss
general saftey precautions. To assist in my explantions, let me introduce
Subject A, for simplicity's sake we will name him Igor.
Igor , wanting very much to continue my work on the study of Alan and
Alan's ilk, seeks to examine Alan in close proximity. Be wary Igor! Alan
is a soul possesed. Before attempting communction with the beast, think,
I am afraid! I must be afraid! I am not afraid to be afraid! I refuse
to be afraid of being afraid of afraidness of Alan! Hopefully, this will
tip the scales in your favour.
Saftey Precation A: Avoiding Deadly 'Alan' Ray Emmisions
Alan , who never is further than 8 feet away from a computer, emits ultra
high frequency gamma ray emmissions. Quite dangerous stuff I might add.
Alan has been known to reduce sane men to a state of cantantiona in
mere minutes.
Defense: Lead Jacket.
Lead Jackets are easily attenible at your local X-ray health agency.
Lead Jackets reduce the Alan/Gamma Rays to tolerable levels.
Yet you still are not invurneble to Alan Rays. If, after conversating
with Alan , you notice every hair on your body falling out, or later
multi-colour execrement you should immediatly contact the
National Areonautics And Space Administration [NASA].
Just tell them 'Alan sent me' and they will get the message.
If you see any faster then sound bomber aircraft hovering around
your house, please, please don't be afraid! Be logical and think-
this is best for my Nation!
(Editors note = Current research is suggesting that a wall of
swirling ant-matter could in theory render
you immune to Alan rays! Unfortunaley, as of yet
no one is capable of creating anti-matter.
I'll keep you posted though.)
Igor, please put on your lead jacket.
Saftey Precation B: Thought Control Evasion
If direct communtion is sought with Alan, be wary!
Alan can speak in his previously mentioned extremley high voice. Besides
the unwanted side effect of ear drum ripping, Alans voice's modulating
freqeuncy can sublimliy take over ones mind.
Defense: Ignore every second word Alans speaks.
Ignoring every second word Alan speaks will extend your sanity immensley!
Example:
Igor : Hello Alan.
Alan : Hello ____.
Igor : That's a nice shirt Alan.
Alan : Boy, _____ Igor, _ bought __ at __-Mart.
Now to the untrained this conservation would make little sense. But to Igor:
Alan : Hello ____. [must be Igor, who else would he talk to?]
Alan : Boy, _____ [.... this word dosen't matter much anyways]
Igor, _ [yup its a pronoun]
bought [must be it]
at [Mart.... hmmm... K-Mart!]
See , thats not hard now is it Igor?
A Secondary Approach:
Wear ear plugs. However this may reduce your total conservational ability.
Saftey Precaution C: Avoiding Spontaeuous Combustion
Early Alan communction resulted in diaster. The subject periodically exploded
in balls of flames. This paritcular problem's answer was a long time in
coming. However through hours of concentrated contemplation, an answer was
found. Though it is still unknown why subjects are reduced to ash.
Defense: Never, I repeat Never ever stand futher then 1 foot away from Alan.
See, Alan will hesitate spontaneoulsy combusting you if you are standing
right beside him! A simple solution to a not so simple problem.
Lets see how Igor does:
Igor spotting Alan on a computer terminal, slowly, stealthy creeps up on
Alan successfully being undetected until the final 2 feet. But Alas ! Beware
Igor Alan spots you! But upon mental review of this document Igor jumps!
Landing within the 1 foot sphere of saftey! Good job Igor! Otherwise
Igor would be quite dead.Ohoh, more trouble ahead for Igor.
Alan : Why are you standing so close to me Igor?
Igor : Hmmm... [Excuse A: I am deaf in one ear Alan.
Excuse B: I love the way you smell Alan.
Excuse C: Im just trying to be apart of the aura you emit Alan!
Excuse D: An unexepected subject change may help, such as
-Have you ever seen Cats? ]
Don't let Alan know you are afraid!
Section C: Differnces between a human an Alan. Plus,
Alans ploy, Alans life mission, his ultimate goal ,
World Domination!
Alas, time is lacking! Section C shall be attached
to excerpt #2.
This concludes Excerpt #1 of Alan a case study:
Blurp-e-ga! This is Alan for talablora, which is
roughly translated Mexicain for
"Badgers? We don't need any stinking
Badgers!!!!" or words to that effect.
(Editors note = Translator error I figure)
Please stay tuned with the chaotic world of The Fish Head
Gang for Excerpt #2 of Alan: A Case Study. I am presently
trying to persudade the heads (ed.note=pun,get it? hahahhah,sorry
I just thought this was way to serious) of the F.H.G to change their
name from the Fish Head Gang to "Thee Who Stand In
the Path of Alans Ploy of World Domiation" or TWSIT-POAPOOWD. I personally
think this better sums up the efforts of the (currently) FHG.
Also I think its a bit catchier, don't you?
Please show your support by visiting the FhG / Anti-Alan World Wide
Web page which is run by the authour of this Case Study.
It's present locale = http://www.magmacom.com/~ks
Unforuntaley, due to Alans complete and udder control
of the InterNet this Home Page's life is indefinite.
C'ya next pak and rock on doggie....
Ajax
