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f0rbidden knowledge irc-howto
IRC HOWTO
Wyzewun <wyze1@xtc.za.org>
v0.1, 2nd April 1999
HOWTO look cool on IRC, Idle for Long Periods of Time, And be hip in general
_______________________________________________________________________________
Table of Contents
1. Getting Started
1.1 Choosing a Cool Handle
1.2 Installing Screen
2. Tips for Successful IRC'ing
2.1 Hints on Setting yourself Away
2.2 What to do once you have Ops
3. Conclusion
3.1 Greets and Shout-Outs
3.2 Parting Words
_______________________________________________________________________________
1. Getting Started
1.1 Choosing a Cool Handle
It is common knowledge that people hardly, if ever, actually talk on IRC.
For this Reason It is vital that your handle be reason enough for you to
be considered interesting and intelligent, regardless of the fact that
you have not said a word, and are probably too dumb to figure out which
keys to press to say something anyway.
Our amazing intellectual ability can be expressed by giving ourselves a
handle which contains a combination of Latin and Computer Terminology.
For Example, we choose Magus, because it sounds Latin, and then combine
it with Cyber, forming CyberMagus, something which would without the
shadow of a doubt cause you to be considered cool.
Other possibilities are any combinations involving Acid, Dark, Night,
Hex or Root. You will instantly be accepted on any Network.
1.2 Installing Screen
Many newcomers to IRC think that it is a good idea to install screen so
that they can recover IRC sessions from the background and detach them
again when they are finished. This is in fact not at all worthwhile.
Assuming that we want to recover our past IRC sessions would imply that
we want to say something, or communicate in some way, which would make us
instantly un-cool. What we should do is run our client as a background
process, and specify that it must automatically join a channel on the
command-line.
This way we do not have to worry about learning how to use screen, or
having to run the risk of having the urge to actually SAY something in
our IRC Window, which may actually reveal the fact that we are a babbling
five year old of no substantial knowledge what-so-ever. All in all, a much
less risky option.
_______________________________________________________________________________
2. Tips for Successful IRC'ing
2.1 Setting yourself as Away
Many people think that they can achieve the state of supreme eliteness by
simply setting themselves as away. This is one of the great misconceptions
amongst those still new to the IRC Scene.
We can only be cool if we have a client that loudly announces that we are
away, as well as the name of the client we are using. However, another
potential problem comes to mind here, in that we must be sure to be using a
cool client. So What defines a cool client?
Well, in the opinion of most of the Linux gurus out there, the Name of the
Client must contain at least one swearword, and have a cool abbreviation.
Thus BitchX is the perfect client, and having 5000 backdoors in it, you
will become even cooler and be admired by thousands around the globe. Be
Sure to set yourself away as often as possible, and if at all possible,
make it look like you're actually DOING something constructive. An
example follows...
* Ascii_Kewil is Away (Checking Something [BX MsgLog ON])
<Ascii_Kewil> hmmmm
* Ascii_Kewil is Back from the Dead - Gone 0 Minutes, 15 Seconds
<Ascii_Kewil> Stupid Kernel doesnt support vfat
* Ascii_Kewil is Away (Recompiling [BX MsgLog ON])
After which you can continue your usual schedule of downloading vast
amounts of pornography, and doing all that stuff that people really use
the Internet for, such as finding out the time in Mexico having netsex
with five-year-old boys who claim to be Neve Campbell.
2.2 What to do Once you Have Ops
Once you have Idled for a few weeks, you will be given Operator Status,
and after idling for another two weeks or so, you may begin to use this
privalege. Contrary to popular belief, the point of Operator Status is
not to help run a channel, but to kick and ban anyone you can, for any
reason you can think of. Use of it for any other purpose will instantly
show your lack of coolness and you will be exposed as a Cluesless Gimp, or
some-one who hasn't read the IRC-HOWTO now included with all major Linux
Distributions. (Or at least the Cool Ones)
Because you are breaking your idling by kicking somebody, you must make
sure that you sound as intelligent as possible, while still maintaining
your big-bad image and not letting anyone know that you are a loser
twelve-year old who hangs in #linux all day for lack of anything better
to do with himself. This can be achieved by making your kick message as
pointless as possible, you see, by not attempting to make our reasoning
sound at all logical, it will not be questioned, and we will remain
the coolest person on IRC.
Fortunately, BitchX already has random kick messages, making it easier for
anyone to greatly decrease their risks of looking un-cool, or commiting
spelling errors in their kick messages. The Linux community really think
of everything, Don't they? Thankyou Panasync!
_______________________________________________________________________________
3. Conclusion
3.1 Greets and Shout-Outs
Thanks to Carolyn Meinel for her Amazingly intelligent textfiles, really,
she must have spent A LOT of time idling on IRC to get THAT smart. I
respect her greatly. Honest.
Thanks to Linus Torvalds for making Linux, and for drinking every six-pack
of beer that LUG's around the world give him, regardless of what it does to
his ever -erm- improving figure. I wonder if the beer relates in any way to
the Kernel problems I've been having... Hmmmm.
3.2 Parting Words
I will be continuing maintenance of this HOWTO, and hopefully we will see
it in some Major Linux Distributions in the near future. Any ideas for
future development are welcome to be mailed to me at wyze1@xtc.za.org 
