Stupid Warning Labels
I was rather amused at the information written on the bag [of JONNY CAT, cat litter].
The best has to be: "JONNY CAT is the best value for your money. A 20 lb. bag of JONNY CAT contains 25% more litter than 16 lb. bags, and 43% more than 14 lb. bags!"
Other importanant info:
"100% natural clay mined from a rare deposit makes Jonny Cat especially absorbent."
AND THEN they have a section for "Other Uses" of Jonny Cat:
"GARAGE SPILLS-sweeps up oil and grease and reduces stains"
"TRASH CANS-a layer on the bottom reduces odors and discourages flies"
"REFRIGERATORS- an inexpensive nontoxic odor absorbent"
"GARDENS-enhances water retention and soil aeration, promotes growth"
All this from a cat litter! Who could ask for more!
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As I contemplated posting this, I glanced accross my desk at the used Dr. Pepper bottle, to find ONE MORE little tidbit:
"(!)WARNING: CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE. CAP MAY BLOW OFF CAUSING EYE OR OTHER SERIOUS INJURY. POINT AWAY FROM PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY WHILE OPENING."
So remember, when you buy Dr. Pepper, be careful! AT ANY MOMENT, WITHOUT WARNING, it may just explode!
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It cracks me up every time I see a juice carton, with the words "Serve ice cold" written on it. How else would you serve ice?
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From a kid's Halloween costume (superman) - stitched into the cape was a tag saying "Warning: Use of This Device Does Not Enable Wearer To Fly".
From a Pop-Tart (TM) box: "Warning: Pastry Filling May Be Hot When Heated"
From a newspaper article: "A congressionally-funded study has determined that many smokers are ignoring the warning labels on cigarette packages"
From a hair blow-dryer instruction sheet: "Warning: Do Not Use While Sleeping"
They never cease to amaze me.
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On the package for Top Cog <tm> fan belts (automotive use), the first step of the instructions tells you not to change the belt while the engine is running.
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From a Boston Globe piece, during a 1973 summer heat wave, describing ways to "beat the heat."
"No. 1. Stay out of the direct rays of the sun."
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And my personal favorite....
Found on the inside of a pull top lid of a liquid radiator sealant:
"Caution: DO NOT LICK LID"
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written on the back of one of those things you put in your car windshield on sunny days when you park to keep your dash from melting:
DO NOT OPERATE VEHICLE WITH SCREEN IN PLACE
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from the Indigo Owners Manual p 6-9
Hardware Dos and Don'ts
...
Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw mouse at co-workers.
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And my favorite warning appears on a box of those cloth roller towels in restrooms. It says something like:
Warning! Improper use may cause serious injury or death!
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Speaking of injury and death.... I recently bought a radial arm saw, admittedly a genuinely dangerous product. Of course the manual had two or three warnings per page about hands, fingers, and arms being cut off. The one that really suprised me was the warning on one page about cutting your *leg* off. It took me quite a few days of pondering to figure out how that could be accomplished, but I haven't tried it yet. I even figured out one way that you could cut your *head* off, and there wasn't even a warning about that!
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Back in the good old days when TRS-80s were king, one of the TRS-80 line printers had a wonderfully ambiguous warning sticker:
"Keep hair, fingers, and personal objects out of this printer."
We always wondered what was meant by "personal objects", and what sort of person you'd have to be to put a "personal object" into one.
