Jokes Part One
An engineer dies
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his folder and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." St. Peter sends the engineer to the gates of hell instead and Satan lets him in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
in hell and starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the
engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Mother Theresa
St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo." Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly.
Princess Di did no where near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?" St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."
A blonde
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of coke pops out. She keeps putting in coins, and cans of coke keep coming out. A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?" The blonde says, "F--- off! Can't you see I'm winning?"
Five surgeons
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth surgeon said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, and gutless. Plus their heads and butts are interchangeable."
The fifth surgeon said, "I like engineers ... they UNDERSTAND when you have a few parts left over at the end."
Q & A
Q: How do you make a snake drink?
A: Put it in a blender.
Q: What does DNA stand for?
A: National Dyslexia Association.
Q: Whats yellow and can't swim?
A: A bulldozer.
Q: What's the integral of 1/cabin?
A: Log cabin.
The bike
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
Q&A: THE PENTIUM FDIV BUG
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums?
A: Warning label.
Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.
Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to:
1.Divide
2.ROUND
3.RANDOM
4.On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.
Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.
Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!
Top Ten New Intel Slogans For The Pentium
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So
7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
5.9999835137 Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well
4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
Top 10 Reasons to Buy a Pentium
10. Your current computer is too accurate
9. You want to get into the guinness book as "owner of most expensive paperweight"
8. Math errors add zest to life
7. You need an alibi for the I.R.S.
6. You want to see what all the fuss is about
5. You've always wondered what it would be like to be a plaintiff
4. The "Intel Inside" logo matches your decor perfectly
3. You no longer have to worry about your cpu overheating
2. You got a great deal from JPL
and the ™1 reason to buy a pentium machine:
1. It'll probably work
