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anti-press ezine 2005 12 23
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< ANTI-PRESS EZINE #57 >
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"We're Positive About The Negative"
This E-dition filed 12/23/05 from NENYland (pronounced
nee-nee-land), the northeastern corner of New York State
(i.e. the hinterlands). Our Precision Reality Center,
located in Plattsburgh -- The Fake City -- features Bull
Tracker 9000 with Super Dopeler Radar.
(C) Copyright 2005 Anti-Press
NOTE: If you want positive negativity hot off the keyboard,
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subs also available. More details at the end of this
E-dition.
==================
* Getting Hip To The Prez & Co. *
In a recent televised address, President George W. Bush
claimed that the United States was winning the war in Iraq,
despite the insurgents pressing on with their attacks,
despite the specter of civil war hanging over the whole
bomb-blasted mess. Do I believe the President? Of course,
I do. Look! Here comes Peter Cottontail, hoppin' down the
bunny trail, hippity, hoppity.
Meanwhile, Ken Lay, an old buddy of the President, is
getting ready to go on trial. He was the chairman of the
Enron Corporation, the energy company accused of ripping
off consumers for billions of dollars. Recently Lay stated
that he is innocent; his underlings were the ones who lied,
conspired, and committed fraud. Do I believe him? Of
course, I do. Look! Once again, here comes Peter
Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail, hippity, hoppity.
Hop, hop, hop.
The next time a public figure - politician, businessman,
whatever -- tells you a story, expecting to you to accept it
without question like a naive child, say that you believe
him. And make sure to add: "Please, tell me more, Mr.
Cottontail."
Hippity, hoppity. Hop, hop, hop.
Be a hophead.
After all, Truth's on its way.
* A Matter Of Words *
Every winter I wait for summer, trying to hold on. The
biggest hump to get over is the so-called holiday season.
Peace On Earth, Good Will To Men. Unless some SOB is
reaching for the last Xbox on sale; then break his arm!
Of course, there are those who whine about how Christ has
been taken out of Christmas. But most of them still swarm
around the shopping malls like hungry rats, trying to get
the perfect gift that doesn't exist.
Some reporter or columnist will write an article about
avoiding holiday stress and depression. An expert is
interviewed; he will say anyone who is vulnerable should
take it easy, not get caught up in the rush and unrealistic
expectations.
But the TeeVee will run those seasonal classics, all with
the happy endings, reinforcing the programming that tries
to keep everyone brainwashed, making sure that the trained
rats will spend more this year, keeping sales healthy.
After all, that's the reason for the season: profit$.
Me, I opt out. I don't bother with the phony greeting
cards, overpriced decorations, "perfect" gifts. I don't
need a holiday to wish someone well or to send them a
present.
Lately a controversy has erupted over the use of "Merry
Christmas." Some prefer the phrase "Happy Holidays,"
acknowledging that not all Americans are Christian, that
others have their own beliefs, special celebrations. But
that has triggered a strong response by the Faithful. Now
if you say "Happy Holidays," you're suspected of being a
liberal-commie-pinko Christ-hater.
There's a better way to sum up this time of the year.
Forget "Merry Christmas," "Happy Holidays," and even
"Season's Greetings." Call the whole mess what it really
is.
Crap.
* Students Finger Mayor *
Some parents think Plattsburgh, NY was created to baby-sit
their demon spawn.
They send their kids here to college to get them far away
from home. Whatever their rude, vandalizing offspring do
here is out of sight and ergo should be out of mind -- at
least the minds of the parents.
Of course, students can become a little rowdy, but for a
few there is no limit to their actions, how far they will
go to aggravate, or even hurt, someone else. And when they
get away with it, it's like an invitation for others to
join in the "fun."
For example, years ago a few college-age "young adults"
came to town and they ended up causing serious trouble.
They weren't PU students but their actions fell into the
same category of "youthful indiscretion." They were
walking right into traffic, endangering themselves and the
drivers. At that time there used to be a neighborhood
watch patrol, volunteer citizens contacting the police when
they spotted trouble. The neighborhood watch patrol tried
to get the guys out of the street before someone was hurt.
For their good citizenship, a couple of the volunteers were
rewarded with beatings. Those who meted out those beatings
got off easy in court. (The neighborhood watch no longer
patrols. Gee, wonder why?)
This semester the mayor decided to try to control some of
the disquiet and damage by notifying parents when their kid
had been arrested. One mother was upset with the
Burghomeister when she was informed of her overgrown brat's
actions. She said that her son was just young, he would
grown out of it, how dare you tell me about his arrest.
The majority of students at Plattsburgh U stay out of
trouble. It's just a troublesome minority of PU students
who like to tear down street signs, steal property, smash
windows, and screw in the bushes in someone's front yard.
Of course, all of this seems to be not a big deal -- until
it happens to you, your property is stolen or destroyed,
you find vomit all over your front steps and a passed out
stranger in your bed.
In response, a few students have shown displeasure towards
the crackdown by a making a particular gesture at the
mayor: the middle finger salute. Obviously a sign of
maturity.
Wait until these assholes graduate, get jobs, become
full-fledged property owners with mounting debt hanging
over their heads. They'll be the first ones to call the
cops and complain to the mayor when a few kids perpetrate a
bit of mischief like smash the picture window to their new
home or key the hell out of their new car. And what will
happen to those young vandals? Simple: their Moms and Dads
will send them to college way up there in Plattsburgh.
The cycle goes on...
* A Stink At PU? *
Drugs! Theft! Ostracism!
So what's really going on at Plattsburgh University? Since
the college boasts both an award-winning student newspaper
and an active journalism program, one would think the
answer would be easy to find.
The story on the street -- not necessarily the best way to
get your news -- is that the last issue of the student
newspaper, the one published before the Thanksgiving break,
was stolen. Every last copy. Why? Censorship or cover-up,
take your pick. That issue supposedly had content
unfavorable to the Student Association and so persons
unknown decided that no one should read it.
This all leads back to an incident involving someone in the
SA who reported that a few of his peers were allegedly
taking illegal substances while they were attending an
inter-campus meeting downstate. This student stirred up a
ruckus, being labeled as either a hero or a snitch. He's
experienced criticism and rejection by some students and
certain faculty members, even though he thought he was
doing the right thing.
This dust-up was front page news for the student newspaper,
but we only learned about it by chance, not directly from
the paper. The trouble is, despite being an award-winning
publication, for the last couple of years the student
newspaper hasn't been delivered to any locations downtown.
At one time you could drop by the bookstore or the pizza
place and grab a copy. Now the paper is only distributed
on campus, even though non-students do read it -- if it is
available to them.
We wanted to gather some facts but we're not going all the
way into the campus to pick up a copy -- especially if
copies are not available due to theft.
Of course, since PU touts its journalism major, we expected
that information would be available at the student
newspaper website. Guess what. Between Googling and
searching the PU site, we couldn't find any viable online
presence. The closest results at the PU site were pages
devoted to PR puff pieces bragging how the student
newspaper won another "All American" award from the
Associated Collegiate Press. A couple of other sites had
listings of college papers online, including a link to
PU's. But after clicking on that link, the inevitable
"HTTP 404 -- Not Found" would pop up. (Don't accuse us of
not doing our research.)
So it seems at one time there was an online presence. What
happened? Did someone hijack the site's content? And,
more important, why isn't the site back up? Even cheap
penny saver weeklies maintain their sites.
One wonders what PU is teaching its journalism majors.
Maybe the budding journalists are studying in meticulous
detail how Guttenberg cranked out a bible centuries ago
instead of learning how to update an actual website or
blog. Maybe students are trained to regard their newspaper
as a cultic house organ, avoiding any distribution off
campus in either cyber- or meat- space.
In the meantime, we're forced to get PU-related news from
the street. We might luck out and meet an award-winning
"All American" rumormonger.
* Ugation: Holdiay Scam Or Anti-Artsy Subterfuge? *
Art or just artsy? Real creativity or just a gag?
It's called ugation, a neologism created from the term ugly
creation. But don't tell someone that if you're giving
such an item as a Christmas or birthday gift. And make
sure to use the artsy pronunciation, yoo-gae-shen. After
all, you don't want the recipient of your ugated gift to
find out that you're a cheap bastard.
Cheap is a key word. So is haste. Ugation is a
combination of inexpensive or free objects quickly thrown
together without much second thought.
Walk through a craft store and pay attention to what's on
sale. There's a block of green Styrofoam at a low price.
Find some cheesy plastic flowers, jam them into that block,
and then spray Silly String all over. If it looks like
real art, you've failed. If it looks like pretentious arty
crap -- congratulations! It's a successful ugation.
All you have to do to come up with a connoisseur's spiel.
With the above example, you could say it represents the
plastic phoniness of commercialism, the Silly String
representing the symbolic web that traps all consumers
under the capitalistic system. Then make sure to put a
$100 price tag on it. It's "Art," ain't it?
* Just As Good As a Cheap French Door Handle *
The French door handles. I had almost forgotten about
them. Long gone, lost in the memory hole for most people.
I was walking around downtown Plattsburgh, taking an
informal survey of the empty storefronts. I noticed one
spot on a corner that used to house a thriving magazine and
tobacco shop. Someone had stripped out all the fixtures
inside and now it sits there, waiting for someone else to
make it into a small goldmine.
The storefront hasn't been repainted; it's still trimmed
with an off-green shade, something that was probably called
Pea Soup Medium Ultra. Years ago the city spent money to
renovate a number of storefronts with an uniform scheme,
using the same green paint and adding fancy French door
handles.
If you're unfamiliar with that type of handle, imagine a
"S" lying on its side and then flattened down enough to
form a long curvy shape. While the green paint remained --
at least with this one storefront - the fancy door handles
are long gone. There were a few of them downtown at
different locations and it seemed that within a year of
their installation they were all broken, replaced with real
door handles.
I wasn't surprised that the French handles didn't last. If
you have a business with many people coming and going, you
need a good quality handle that can stand up to relentless
use. The ones selected by the downtown renovation project
looked like they were found in the K-Mart bargain bin.
But that's how the city wastes money. It'll either take a
half-step, not spending a bit more for quality, or it just
invests a bundle in a guaranteed doomed-to-failure project.
More recently the city spent lots of $ in planting antique
streetlights downtown, flooding the area with piss-yellow
glare. On one block, with a period of a year or so, three
of these cheap knock-offs have broken. A truck jumps bumps
into one and it snaps like a matchstick. I looked inside a
couple of these busted posts. I didn't expect each post to
be solid, but at the same time it was surprising to see how
hollow it was. The casting is thin for such a tall
structure, around a quarter inch or so. And the metal
itself looks like it was made from recycled tin cans. I've
seen better casting with a hollow chocolate Easter bunny.
It doesn't take much to get one of these posts to shake and
shimmy. Just grab one, pull back and forth a few times,
and watch it vibrate like a big tuning fork. A prime
target for drunken college students bored with bending over
street signs.
One day a major windstorm will rip through downtown and
most of the cheap antique streetlights will fall down,
completely snapping free. Whoever is in power at that time
will realize the streetlights aren't worth replacing and so
they'll be all hauled away to the landfill.
Then, centuries from now, archeologists will be digging
through the landfill strata and they will stumble upon the
layer with the broken antique lampposts. They shake their
heads, upset with the waste of valuable materials. They
dig deeper, finding a layer dotted pieces of
inferior-quality brass. The archeologists put the pieces
together: the parts form cheap French door handles.
At this point their disgust turns into laughter.
* Public BS Desperate For Fund$ *
How low will PBS stoop to grease money out of your wallet?
The local PBS TV stations run ads that would make a crooked
televangelist blush. A couple of them are aimed at older
viewers. The less offensive one shows Grandma baking
cookies in her kitchen, while her grandkids, a cute boy and
girl, are watching Sesame Street. In the voice-over she
reveals that she is leaving part of her estate to the
Public Broadcasting System so that it can provide her
grandchildren with quality programming after she is gone.
Of course, Granny won't be around when her grandkids become
rebellious teens into drugs and all sorts of godawful
stuff. PCP, not PBS, will be on their minds.
Another ad has a pleasant shill talking nice to older
viewers, asking them to remember PBS in their wills. Some
of those viewers are sitting at home, all alone, and here
is this person on TeeVee acting as their friend, trying to
get some hot cash from their cold bodies. Ghoulish or
what?
The latest ad now presents PBS as saving marriages. Yup,
by watching public TeeVee you can prevent divorce.
In the spot a married woman talks about a program presented
by PBS about John Adams or some other historical fart from
the days of early America. The program showed the strong
love between Adams and his wife. After the program was
over, both husband and wife were moved by the story,
sitting there in the dark of their living room, only the
streetlight outside providing any illumination.
That special show inspired that couple to mend their
differences and become closer together. It made them
realize what was important in life.
Gee, I wonder if the PBS science program, NOVA, re-unites
couples after it runs a show about the spread of genital
herpes?
=================
NOTICE: Unless indicated otherwise, all articles by
Anti-Press. Articles submitted by others do not
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Anti-Press.
WHERE WE'RE AT: Anti-Press Ezine radiates from our
Precision Reality Center. We're presently entrapped in the
alleged city of Plattsburgh, northeastern New York State
(NENYland), USA. ("So, Mr. Vice-President Cottontail, you
claim the insurgency is in its death throes...")
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