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anti-press ezine 2005 03 31
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"We're Positive About The Negative"
This E-dition filed 03/31/05 from NENYland (pronounced nee-nee-land),
the northeastern corner of New York State (i.e. the hinterlands). Our
Precision Reality Center, located in Plattsburgh -- The Fake City --
features Bull Tracker 9000. More details at the end of this e-dition.
(C) Copyright 2005 Anti-Press
=======================================
Behold: the meat puppet messiah!
Brian Williams, anchorman of the NBC-TeeVee evening news, claims in the
latest promotional spot that what his job is much more than a newscast.
There's an archived clip showing a disaster area, devastated children
standing in the background, stunned, helpless. And in the foreground is
Brian Williams, reporting about the lack of food and shelter.
As the promo continues, Williams intones that people want to know if
their children are safe, if their world is safe. This spot elevates
Williams above his position as an overpaid reader of purple prose news
copy: it implies he's the guardian of civilization, a gallant sentry
that will warn -- and even protect -- us from the evil out there.
The promo features shots of the co-anchors for the local TeeVee station
news, tying in Brian Williams' grandiloquent blather with the great
concerns of our own region. Yes, Williams and our two local
teleprompter robots are concerned about our children, our world. It's
not like they do it for a paycheck or anything...
* * *
And speaking of your local newscast, does your weatherman hold his
complete forecast as hostage, forcing you to sit through the same
annoying ads? That's the trick used by the Peeburgh TeeVee station.
The weathercock will do a preview of his segment, sitting at "The Storm
Desk," talking about an elemental sea change, hinting that it might be a
threat to our children, our world. But he can't give you all the
details just then; he can only reveal the shocking truth during his
actual forecast.
So you end up sitting through ads that, unless you exert self-control,
can cause headaches and vomiting. The worst spots are for car dealers
who use young kids to shill for them. These overcute untalented pukes
get on and half-sing a jingle. Or they mumble lines about why their
father or uncle has the best dealership. One gets the feeling that when
something goes wrong, father or uncle hides in the office and lets the
kids handle a seriously dissatisfied customer. After all, only a real
creep would hit a child.
But you hang in there, get though the ads, and finally the weather
forecast comes on. The weathercock goes on about record high and low
temps in Outer Mongolia and pressure systems at the South Pole and
everything BUT what the weather will be tomorrow. When he does tell you
about the "terrible" storm he had hinted about earlier, it turns out
that overnight will see a fluffy trace of snow that will melt before
tomorrow afternoon because the sun will be out for most of the day.
Then the overcute brats pop back on, shilling again for a car
dealership. At this point your boot goes through the TeeVee screen.
* * *
Snow? Some readers might be wondering why this is still a topic. After
all, it's springtime! Maybe in your neck of the woods. It SEEMS like
spring around here but you can't bet on it until May. And even then it
might snow. April is usually the sixth month of winter for us.
Once again the subject of snow-clogged sidewalks has raised its ugly
white head. For decades the controversy has raged over who should be
taking care of the sidewalks in the winter. The City of Peeburgh claims
that property owners are responsible: if your house is adjacent to a
city sidewalk, then you have to clear that section with 24 hours after
the storm.
Every winter some walkways are never shoveled. According to a letter
that appeared recently in the (news)Paper, the city said back in 2001
that it would bill anyone who didn't clear a sidewalk. Public Werks
would take care of the problem and the scofflaw property owner would pay
for the clean-up.
After that letter was published, one would expect the topic of
unshoveled sidewalks would be on the table during the city common
council meeting. But according to the (news)Paper, the only thing that
was discussed was one councilor wanted the others to pass a resolution
that stated the City That Don't Werk opposed President Shrub's plans to
ruin -- oops, re-structure -- Social Security.
City taxpayers must be reassured that their councilors spend time
talking about national issues and thus spend less attention on local
problems. Then again, maybe we're being too cynical. After all, if
Peeburgh did pass a resolution opposing the President's Social Security
scheme, why history might be changed. The resolution would be sent
straight to the White House and the Chucklehead-In-Chief would read it
and exclaim: "Praise Jesus! I see the light! I'm wrong! God bless
the savants of Plattsburgh, NY!!"
* * *
Do you like strangers poking through your stuff? How would you feel if
you were waiting for a ferryboat to cross the lake and a deckhand wanted
to randomly search your car, even your backpack or briefcase?
If you want to travel to Vermont from this area, the quickest route is
to take a ferry across Lake Champlain. Or you end up driving an hour or
more out of your way by using the bridge near the Canadian border.
One of the biggest threats to American freedom since 9/11 isn't
terrorism. President Shrub and his neo-con schemers have used the
attack on the World Trade Center Twin Towers as an excuse to grab more
control over the citizenry. Republicans are supposed to be against big
government -- but Shrub has expanded the power of the feds to the point
where they can go to your library and find out what books you've checked
out lately.
As part of the National Maritime Transportation Security Act, ferry
company employees can search your car and belongings. If you don't
submit to the search, you can't ride the ferry. The ACLU has been
fighting this stupidity but so far with no success.
Why call this stupidity? Let's say a deckhand finds a weapon of mass
destruction. Is he armed, ready to arrest the terrorist? Does he have
backup or a quick way of alerting the authorities?
The deckhand has the driver open the truck; there sits a radioactive
dirty bomb. Will that deckhand have enough time to shit his pants
before the terrorist pulls out a concealed gun and blows him away?
OK, admittedly that's a tad extreme for an example. Maybe a terrorist
just wants to blow up the ferry. Yup, that'll throw all of America into
complete shock.
Two guys sitting in a rustic bar in a fly-over state; one of them
watches the TeeVee newscast because he's so concerned about his
children, his world.
"Hey, Earl, the terrorists blew up a fairy in Lake Champagne."
"Well, I don't care for those homos, but that is going too far. Where's
Lake Champagne?"
"Probably near San Francisco where most of those types live. Hey, did
you catch that game last night?"
* * *
Is Reverend Fred Phelps coming here to spread his message of love --
i.e., "God Hates Fags?"
In the last e-dition we reported how the mayor of Plattsburgh -- who
happens to be gay -- mentioned Phelps by name during a common council
meeting. There was a discussion of free speech as it related to one of
the big summer events, the Mayor's Cup Festival. A citizen addressed
the council, saying that booths at the event should be free to all
parties; everyone was entitled to free speech, from the Boy Scouts to
neo-Nazis.
The Mayor used Phelps as an example of free speech going too far. With
a Baptist church in Kansas as their base of operations, Phelps and his
followers like to travel around the country to hold demonstrations
condemning homosexuality as the ultimate transgression against the Lord.
Some of the protesters are young kids, grade school age, holding up
signs like "God Hates Fag Enablers" and "Matthew Shepard Burns In Hell."
Yup, that's God's love.
It didn't take long for Phelps to hear about the Mayor's comments after
they were reported in the (news)Paper. He says he's going to attend the
Mayor's Cup Festival during the first week of July; he plans to picket
even the local churches because they have allowed a gay man to become
mayor.
We hope some of the local "moonies" will give Phelps a special greeting
if he shows up here: a 21 bun salute.
* * *
ASSTUTE HALL OF FAME: How To Make A Phrase Oxymoronic
A shop-owner allowed all sorts of posters to be hung in her
establishment. A poster might promote an event or just make a
statement. But one day she told one poster-artist that his work went
too far; he was being too disrespectful of local pols.
The artist pointed to a sign on the wall. "That says this place is a
free speech zone."
"It is," replied the shop-owner. It's _my_ free speech zone."
=======================================
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Articles submitted by others do not necessarily express or reflect the
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WHERE WE'RE AT: Anti-Press Ezine radiates from our Precision Reality
Center. We're presently entrapped in the alleged city of Plattsburgh,
northeastern New York State (NENYland), USA. ("I'm only a meter maid to
you, but under the Patriot Act I have the power to see if you're wearing
clean underwear.")
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