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anti-press ezine 2001 07 21
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"We're Positive About The Negative"
A July E-dition
(C) Copyright 2001 Anti-Press All Rights Reserved
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* Violent Homophobe Still On The Loose *
As detailed in our last two e-ditions a redneck came to town on June
5th, called someone a faggot and then punched him in the mouth,
resulting in three stitches in the "faggot's" lower lip. The victim
wrote the plate number to the redneck's car and reported the hate crime
to the city police.
And what have the police done since then?
Essentially: nothing.
Very ironical. Considering that the mayor of Plattsburgh is openly gay.
Then again, he is a Republican, so maybe his compassionate conservatism
only extends so far. A hate crime can be a messy issue.
And when we say "hate crime", we're not talking politically-correct
nonsense where even a lame joke about gays is "hateful". We're not like
those overly-sensitive liberals who think mere words can be violence.
Someone called us a bad word today. She was delving into a chunk of
hyperly-caloric cake and we raised the topic of her diet. This prompted
her to describe us with a choice word: "asshole". So it goes. Hey, you
gotta be mentally-tough to get through this world. (Anyway, we rather
be an "asshole" than a "pork butt".)
Yes, we occasionally make jokes about gays, might even use a "bad word".
We disrespect everyone equally, regardless of race, color, gender,
creed or sexual orientation. But there's a tremendous difference
between making a joke and cold-cocking somebody in the mouth during a
homophobic rage.
The redneck gay-basher lives a jerkwater outside the city and so the
city cops are supposed to work with the state police to investigate this
matter. From what we've learned the state police are aware of who this
redneck is -- he's a "known character" -- but for some reason nothing
has been done. Maybe they don't want to use more pepper-spray on that
inbred mutant and the rest of his cretinous family.
We suspect that both the city and state cops are getting burned out with
the twelve-hour shifts that have been instituted to save the taxpayers
some money. An eight-hour shift for a police officer sucks so we can't
imagine how a cop could tolerate a half-day of trying to do his job.
After a twelve-hour shift most police officers want to call it a day;
they don't want to put in overtime to follow up on low priority cases.
But this hate crime isn't "low priority" in our eyes. Let that redneck
get away with one attack on a peaceable citizen and then he'll get
bolder. In fact, the victim mentioned above was sitting downtown the
other day, minding his own business, and the redneck drove by, yelling
out the slur "faggot" at him again. Fortunately this incident didn't
result in another violent act.
Unfortunately it didn't result in action by the law. The redneck got
away, was never stopped and questioned. The victim called the city
police, trying to contact the officer in charge of the case to let him
know the redneck was back, but the dispatcher cut him off, saying that
there was an incoming fire call and he couldn't talk any longer. The
victim gave up; why should he bother calling again when another excuse
could be given?
So there's a violent homophobe out there, driving around, sneering at
the police who don't want to do the paperwork in pursuing the case.
Well, that's the thing about paperwork. Put it off today and see how
much more you'll have when the same perp attacks a second time and kills
someone.
And then, if you really don't like paperwork, wait until the dead
victim's family sues your ass...
* Big Break In Drug Case *
Recently the city P.D. seized a load of drugs from an apartment, a stash
worth around $22,000.
Good job. And how did the police department break the case? Was it
through astute detection and diligent undercover work?
Nope. Three dopers were found lying on their front lawn, overdosed from
heroin. Kinda hard to ignore _that_ clue. (The overdosers survived to
face criminal charges.)
Since Pee-burgh was voted one of the best micropolitan communities to
live in, it ain't going to tolerate such unsightly images as junkies
sprawled in plain view from the street. That's a violation of the local
zoning laws. The city is tough on what lawn ornaments one may display.
After all, don't want the Burgh to appear _tacky_, do we?
Imagine a well-to-do couple visiting the city, either tourists or
potential property-owners, cruising around in their Cadillac. The wife
says to her husband, "I'm glad I didn't see any of those grotesque pink
flamingos, but those dead junkies...how distasteful."
* Burn, Burghy, Burn! *
Nothing says summer more than watching splendiferous fireworks
coruscating over the sewage treatment plant.
At least they kept the smell under control, especially on this night
capping off a week of festivities called the Mayor's Cup. What had
started as a one-day event for the effete elite to show off their excess
wealth has become a week-long celebration of loud music, fried dough,
cheap beer, and upset stomachs. The big sailing race has been
overshadowed by the landlubbers having a good time, common folk who
can't even afford a decent rowboat.
So at least the city is doing more for the average joe. No argument
from us.
BOOM! KA-BANG! A good pyrotechnical display this time around.
And no miasma drifting across the river from the plant with its bubbling
pools of mystery liquid. Too bad that the citizens living on the other
side of town haven't been so lucky with the recent fire in a digester at
the municipal compost plant. Sludge is trucked from the sewage
treatment plant for processing at the compost plant. Anything that goes
down the toilet eventually ends up at both facilities.
There have been days when the plants suffer problems in unison. You can
stand in one of the sweet spots and nasally-detect both facilities,
especially when the wind changes direction. An olfactory connoisseur
will visit a sweet spot and without any clues from the wind he can tell
you the origin of a particular odor. ("A more pungent fecal smell --
that is indubitably the sewage plant.")
But even a connoisseur can suffer from an overload when the crap hits
the furnace. We can't imagine the sensory delight of burning sludge
permeating the air. We wonder if there's a strong methane bite. A
fireman was quoted that his face mask sealed out 90 percent of the odor;
a second one noted what happened when you took off the mask...
Years ago when the compost plant was being proposed, voices were raised
in the neighborhood targeted for the facility; residents were worried
about airborne emanations. The city engineer at that time assured the
concerned citizens that the operation wouldn't emit any nasty smells.
Yup. That was a solid prediction.
KA-BOOM! KA-sizzle...
KA-sizzle? Uh-oh, another misfire with the fireworks. The rocket
prematurely orgasms, spreading its blazing trails downward, not upward.
We become wary. Is it possible that a misfire could set the sewage
plant on fire?
That's what Plattsburgh needs. Hell-pits on both sides of town. Maybe
we should buy a fireman's face mask. If pressed we could live with 10
percent stench in our nostrils.
But could we stand a new total in our daily Burghian existence of 110
percent crap?
* Ghost Mail *
The main benefit we received from APE is feedback from you out there.
So don't hesitate to email us at Antipress1@aol.com . And diving into
the emailbag this time...
Latterman writes:
<Hey, Anti-Press,
I recently stumbled across your zine and I was impressed. I'm from
Plattsburgh myself. I was curious about your group -- are you activists?
How many people do the zine? General info.
Please let me know. Thanks.>
Anti-Press replies:
Are we activists? We're active pains-in-the-ass when the situation
calls for it.
How many people create each e-dition of APE? Our name is Legion.
We wish we could give you more "general info" but we work "underground"
in more ways than one.
And we have a question for you:
Are you conducting either an intelligence or sting operation for the
Plattsburgh Police Department? <g>
Zurn writes:
<Greetings. I hope things are well at the PRECISION REALITY CENTER.
I came across your zine just recently, and, well, what can I say, as
someone who has a bit of experience with reading bad print journalism,
and a passing familiarity with Plattsburgh, I was quite entertained. I
devoured all the back-issues with gusto.
I have some memories of the 'Burgh, having being dragged on a few
cross-border shopping expeditions and growing up with your local news
broadcast, which we could get in Montreal. I also remember seeing that
priest mayor on the tube that you mentioned from way back when -- even
as a kid, I thought it was a little weird.
Anyway, speaking of kids stuff, having spent eight years in Quebec
having my brain rotted out by your teevee pouring across the border, I
was always curious about two things: one, their station ID in the
seventies which inferred that they were in some sort of Arctic region
("Channel Five! WPTZ! Plattsburgh! North Pole! Burlington!" -- I don't
know if they use that anymore, though) and two, a vague recall of
commercials for some sort of Santa-like attraction in the area which
likely might have been located at said North Pole.
So, what's the deal with North Pole? Are there elves?>
Anti-Press replies:
So you wanna get the lowdown on North Pole, New York?
Santa's Workshop is a kids amusement park at what is called North Pole,
NY. Actually it exists near a town called Jay in the "foothills" of
Whiteface Mountain, one of NENYland's leading tourist traps. When SW
first opened (circa 1950?) there weren't all the superparks around like
you have today. This was before Walt Disney World and Busch Gardens;
smaller mom-and-pop amusement spots had most of the action.
In its early days Santa's Workshop did record business but has fallen on
hard times. Transportation has greatly improved since the 1950s and now
people find it just as easy to visit a grand theme park in Florida than
drive to a tiny, dull one in their backyard. This shift in tourist
patterns really hit SW. The owner tried auctioning his place on one of
the cable TeeVee shopping channels but that didn't work out.
In the "good old days" parents used to take their kids to Santa's
Workshop to reinforce the myth -- actually, the lie -- that is Xmas.
You know, Santa is real, God loves you, the world is a happy place.
Yes, even we in our young years were brainwashed and eventually
traumatized by a visit to SW. It was a small-scale operation with
locals dressed up as elves and "reindeer" wandering around, a couple of
them with skin tumors. The highlight was a tall white pole standing in
the center of the park -- the "North Pole" -- that was cold to the
touch, due to a refrigeration system, not magic.
Since the place ran during the blazingly-hot days of summer and didn't
pay anything extraordinary in the way of wages, it could've been called
Santa's Sweatshop. We can imagine an elf, over-dressed in a woolen
costume, embracing the North Pole to cool down various body parts when
he or she didn't think the parents were looking.
Now to the "Plattsburgh! North Pole! Burlington!" nonsense. The story
we heard is that the owner of Santa's Workshop was one of the backers of
the Plattsburgh TeeVee station when it was being created. Since the
station had to mention its service area, North Pole was included, thus
giving a plug to Santa's Workshop, albeit in an indirect way. Or so the
story goes.
When David Letterman was on NBC-TeeVee he did a series of local station
IDs to plug his show on the affiliates, including the Pee-burgh station.
The videotape showed him trying to greet viewers on Channel 5 --
Plattsburgh - North Pole - Burlington, but he would stop and sneer,
caught by the "North Pole" bit. Said Letterman: "This _can't_ be
right."
Here's another amazing Santa's Workshop bit. Years ago DC Comics was so
desperate for story material for its lousy "Freedom Fighters" comic book
that it ran a story about the superheroes saving a "Santaland" place in
upstate New York from an evil elf. We've got that comic buried around
here and could pull it out to provide further details but we've already
wasted enough time and space on this topic.
Anyway, to remember the difference between Santa's Workshop and Disney
World, keep this in mind: one has elves, the other has fairies.
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