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anti-press ezine 2001 05 28
ANTI-PRESS EZINE #23
"We're Positive About The Negative"
A May E-dition
(C) Copyright 2001 Anti-Press All Rights Reserved
THIS E-DITION'S LINE-UP:
I - "LIES"
II - BUSHISMS VS. GOOGLISMS
III - THEIRS (NOT OURS)
IV - 539,947 = 0
=============================================================
"LIES"
At the public library: a magazine cover featuring a portrait of
President Shrub, goofy grin and all. Pen in hand, someone wrote across
his ten-gallon cowboy hat: "ASSHOLE". Then the scribbler emblazoned
"FRAUD" on Shrub's forehead. Hey, no argument from us.
On the street: a vending machine for The (news)Paper. Magic marker in
hand, someone wrote across the plastic window: "Lies".
*All* lies? Sorry, we disagree. Yes, we make fun of Plattsburgh's
leading newssheet but we must begrudgingly admit The Paper did a good
job when covering the local protests against the FTAA summit in Quebec
City. Unlike flashy TeeVee news, The Paper went into detail about what
the issues were, why the protesters were out in the streets.
Some demonstrators didn't want to speak to The Paper, thinking that all
mainstream media are part of a great conspiracy by The System. We
understand concerns about being quoted out of context or words being
twisted around to make protesters look bad. That does happen. But if
you refuse to take any advantage of mainstream media, confining your
message to your own news services, then all you're doing is tub-thumping
to the choir.
Yes, some mainstream disseminators do make idiotic statements. For
example, here's a paraphrase of a notable observation regarding
demonstrators:
"If those protesters against free trade want to get their point across,
they should dress better instead of having those wild haircuts and
clothes. It's like the hippies during the Vietnam war who could've
gotten their point across easier if the cut their long hair and took a
bath."
Gee, that's right. Good grooming, a suit and tie, short haircut -- the
right appearance -- makes your message truthful: you don't look like a
liar.
Works for politicians, doesn't it?
Footnote: Apparently a concerned librarian used some correction fluid
to cover up the words added to Shrub's visage on that magazine cover.
Another white wash. And, oddly enough, censorship by a librarian.
* * *
BUSHISMS VERSUS GOOGLISMS
What is the difference between a lamebrain George W. quote and a bad
translation of a German sentence into English?
Apparently: not much.
We were surfing the Web, trying to get some info on a TeeVee program
using the Google search engine. A promising document was among the hits
but its text was rendered in German. Then we noticed that Google
(supposedly) could translate the document into some semblance of
English. We clicked and Google went to work. When we received the
translation, we could swear it had been written by our ill-ustrious
Prez.
What follows are George W. quotes mixed in with lines from the
Googlistic translation. We challenge you: Which ones are Bushisms and
which ones are Googlisms? Can you really tell the difference?
"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a
literacy test."
"Everyone of us knows: One can live together with other any longer, in
addition, not without him."
"I would have to ask the questioner. I haven't had a chance to ask the
questioners the questions they've been questioning."
"Their slogan: 'I become my virginity only against financial security
exchanges.'"
"Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the
peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an
assignment."
"Jack loves fish, has college termination in English and is
constellation lion."
"In the kindergarten it did not want to play a throwing off, why you
were tied together the hands behind the back and they were thrown
hereafter."
"The person who runs FEMA is someone who must have the trust of the
president. Because the person who runs FEMA is the first voice, often
times, of someone whose life has been turned upside down hears from."
"That is not vocational only on the loser route, also for the divorce
must it bleed properly."
"He used to slope with GI Joe, Barney, and the X-Men."
"During the Viet Nam war it served Force with the air, where it
distributed Amarillo t-shirts."
"He loves it together with the dogs to bathe. He does not know, what a
church is."
"The true threat is whether or not one of these people decide, peak of
anger, try to hold us hostage, ourselves; the Israelis, for example, to
whom we'll defend, offer our defenses; the South Koreans."
"It is likewise on the best way to get mental problems. In the age from
two it drove with a tricycle over a cat. When he learned driving a car,
he over-drove a further cat and invented another personality, in order
to be able to give her the debt."
"By the way also not of it."
"We ought to make the pie higher."
"Their favorite taste is from potatoes."
"Now walk it already, as if small articles are thrown as peas after it."
Frightening, huh? We'll bet that George W. can't tell the difference.
* * *
THEIRS (NOT OURS)
The fix was in.
High school. The Popular Circle was in charge of preparations for the
prom. Each Pop Student went around, handing out ballots to vote on the
prom theme song. It was a sham, a microcosmic version of the
pseudo-democracy that runs America. When we got our ballot, the Pop
Student told us which song to vote for.
Of course, we voted for another song. But it didn't matter: the
pre-selected song won by a landslide. It was their prom, not ours. For
obvious reasons we didn't attend the Pop Event with its
"democratically-chosen" theme song.
The fix is in.
Here we are, an adult, and the pattern repeats itself. We're being
asked to vote as part of another quasi-democratic sham.
Today we found a one-inch thick package crammed in the mailbox. After
yanking it out, we could see it was from our insurance company. Bold
blue letters commanded us: "Open Immediately. Time-Sensitive Material
Enclosed." Gee, how self-important. We didn't know there was an
expiration date for Priority Mail. So we opened up the envelope before
the enclosed material lost its freshness.
Be it noted that as a general rule we eschew insurance, especially life
insurance. (The state can bury our worthless form after its best part
has ceased to function.) But years ago our father bought a policy and
now it pays for itself through dividends. So we just let it accumulate
a few bucks each year, a little cash used to stave off some of our
long-running bills.
But our insurance policy might be in trouble. The Insurer wants to
convert its organization from a mutual life insurance company to a stock
company. We're wary of this proposed change. Look what happened to
Spider-Man. His company, Marvel Comics, went public and ended up being
screwed over by a greedy investor. Spidey and the other superheroes are
facing bankruptcy; they're millions of dollars in debt. Their stock is
worth as much as a cobweb.
But the Insurer says its company has to compete more effectively in the
global market. Gee, where have we heard that line before? Anyway, the
Insurer sent us some forms to fill out, especially the ballot to vote
YES or NO on the conversion scheme. We glanced over the rest of the
contents in the inch-thick Priority Mail envelope, two booklets loaded
with all sorts of facts and figures. Page after page of turbid
businessese. The only part we really understood was on page 68, Booklet
Part 1. Surrounded by white space, dead center, one sentence states:
"(This page intentionally left blank.)"
We gave up trying to sort through all the tiny type, the morass of dense
info. We went to the ballot and checked the box for NO. When a company
says it has its customers best interests in mind, we're immediately
suspicious, especially when they present their view with material that's
thick as a brick.
Then we realized our vote doesn't count. In the Voting Guide brochure,
on page 3 we found this headline: "Why The Insurer is converting to a
stock company."
Thus Spake The Board Of Directors. Obviously, it's THEIR company...
* * *
539,947 = 0
So, Binky, ya wanna become a U.S. citizen?
No problem. One requirement is the citizenship test. Let's see how
well you do with a sample question.
< Q: The United States has what form of government? >
OK, Binky, what is your answer? Democracy or democratic? Sorry, you
lose. You see the correct response is:
< A: Republican. >
What's that, Binky? You say you know a few native-born American
citizens and they all say they live in a democracy? Christ, an American
citizen is the LAST person you should talk to about U.S. history and
government-- unless that person is a naturalized citizen who passed the
citizenship test.
I know, Binky. Most native-born Americans swear they live in a
democracy but they've been brainwashed by a second-rate educational
system. Why, they think that during a presidential race they are voting
for a candidate but in reality they're voting for an elector.
It's all part of this scam called the Electoral College. The Founding
Fathers came up with this scheme to keep their power unchallenged by
"mob rule". We could go into details about how the Electoral College
works but you'll get a headache. It's like trying to understand a thick
packet of financial hieroglyphics from your insurance company.
The main point to remember about the E.C. is how it invalidates a basic
democratic principle: the candidate who wins the popular vote is
elected. Under the E.C. a presidential candidate only has to lock up key
states, the states with the most electors. Winning a majority of
electors -- NOT the popular vote -- is the name of the game.
Let's say the non-key states have a high voter turnout and most citizens
chose A over B. Meanwhile the key states have a low turnout and they
favor candidate B. With this scenario candidate B wins the majority of
electors while A scores the popular vote. It's happened four times in
U.S. history.
What are you pointing at, Binky? An editorial in the Plattsburgh Paper?
Let's see. The Editor is chastising local voters for not participating
in recent school district elections. To quote: "Didn't they learn from
the last presidential election how potentially important every vote is?"
Sure. Al Gore won the popular vote by 539,947 over George W. Shrub.
Every one of those votes means *nothing* because we've got Prez Shrub,
not Prez Gore, in power.
Gee, Binky, don't get depressed. You should become a U.S. citizen. We
need more people like you. You're a smart guy, the kind of person who
can sort the candy from the crap.
Keep that in mind when listening to typical Americans -- especially
clueless newspaper editors.
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