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anti-press ezine 2002 11 11
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< ANTI-PRESS EZINE #34 >
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"We're Positive About The Negative"
A November E-dition
(C) Copyright 2002 Anti-Press All Rights Reserved
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* Tautology and Terrorism *
The politician will either win or lose the election.
How true.
If elected, the candidate will bring about sweeping change.
Or he won't.
This breakfast cereal may reduce your chances of colon cancer.
Or it may not.
This same cereal can reduce your cholesterol - as part of a heart-healthy
diet.
Of course, starvation and death can also help to reduce cholesterol.
The cereal box continues qualifying its claims in smaller print, text worthy
of a politician who will or won't bring about sweeping change. The great
product contained within may reduce the risk of heart disease. Of course,
you have to maintain a proper diet, one low in saturated fat and cholesterol.
Hmmm, if you're on that diet, do you still need this particular breakfast
food? Well, don't think about that. Remember: if you fall within the
qualifications as stated on the box, the cereal may lower your chances for a
heart attack - or it may not.
Weasel words. Gotta love them. Whether hawking cereal or candidates, most
people fall for the scam. Mix weasel words with fear and you've got a
winning combo.
The Commie menace. Yes, there was a threat. You couldn't rule out nukes
raining down from the sky and ruining your picnic. But Communism was
portrayed as a monolithic, mind-enslaving power creeping over the globe,
entrancing citizens with its evil spell.
So if Communism was such a menace, where's the Soviet Union nowadays? And
why is the U.S. of A. now buddies with (Red) China? Maybe China is trying to
enslave us by flooding this country with cheap goods, imitating the success
of OPEC countries who have American consumers hooked on oil.
The Power People in this country needed another a great boogeyman. The
Soviet Union was gone and Russia and China became our friends. What to do?
Then came 9/11. Americans became aware that some other people Out There
don't like us and they're willing to do terrible things. (Or course, the
fact is usually overlooked that the U.S. of A. has on occasion done terrible
things to other people Out There.)
Yes, there are terrorists. They will attack again, and unfortunately, more
innocent people will be maimed and killed. But once again, the Power People
are saying that the Terrorist Menace is the greatest threat to our freedom
since - well, remember the all-powerful Communist Menace?
Growing up during the Cold War era, citizens were told to be on guard.
Commies were everywhere, undermining the moral fiber of the country with
"race music" and drugs. Propaganda films sounded the alarm. One such film
showcased a cartoon depiction of the Commie contagion spreading over the
world like the Red Death, destroying freedom with its soul-sucking evil.
Colorization is important when you want to simplify your message to the
unsuspecting masses. Talk about the Menace in terms of Yellow, Black or Red.
But what is the color of Terrorism? Many colors, it seems. The Power
People created a polychromatic chart to keep us on guard: the "Threat
Conditions" system. Quick: what is the alert status today? Are we at
Condition Red or is it Orange or Yellow? And what is the difference between
Orange and Yellow? Does Orange imply that a citizen should be "moderately
cautious" while Yellow means a citizen should be "cautious with moderation?"
For those who can't follow the Threat Conditions, there are those semi-vague
warnings issue by the Government from time to time. Terrorists may blow up
monuments in L.A. Terrorists may be targeting power lines or hydroelectric
dams.
Or they may not.
* Signs of the Times *
Do you get bugged when someone asks you that most personal of questions: Did
you vote? We thought it was our right as a citizen to keep private our
political activity - or the lack of it - if we so desire. Why not ask people
about religion, sexual preferences, or when did they stop beating their
spouse?
Another Election Day has passed, preceded by the media claiming that every
vote counts, ergo get out and vote. Hmmm, during the last presidential
election, over 500,000 individual voters chose Al Gore over George Shrub in
the popular vote - but who's sitting in the White House now, thanks to the
rigged system called the Electoral College? In the end the only votes that
counted were those cast by the individuals on the Supreme Court - all of them
political appointees.
But mention to the average sucker - we mean voter - about the Electoral
College, how it works, and he'll think you're talking about how the Commies
stayed in power while ruling the Soviet Union. Tell the average American
voter that he doesn't live in a democracy and watch him call you a Commie or
a Terrorist. Of course, he thinks the term "republic" means the same thing
as "democracy" - the poor sap.
One city candidate asked us if we had voted. We were semi-polite, saying
that sorry, we don't vote, we're anti-social.
We usually give a more truthful reply: We don't have a million dollars to
vote with. What's more important to a politician: a big bag of unmarked
hundred dollar bills, or you pulling the lever under his party's symbol,
whether it be donkey, elephant or fetus? The dollar sign speaks louder than
any political sign.
They can call it a "republic" or even try to call it a "democracy" - but what
we got here, folks, is a plain ol' plutocracy.
Remember: No vote is a vote.
It's a vote of no confidence.
* NENYland Roundup Review *
Let's take a penetrating look at mainstream media items from around the
northeastern hinterlands of New York State...
Here we go again. Another letter to the editor in the Plattsburgh
(news)Paper from some woman upset because a passing car reduced her cat to
roadkill. We suspect the Paper must provide a convenient fill-in-the-blanks
form for such readers, complete with suggestions for appropriate words and
phrases.
"I am terribly [angry, saddened, or other distressed state of mind] that my
beloved cat, [name of cat], was [killed, murdered, squished like a rotten
pumpkin] on the [road, street] in front of my [house, trailer, shack]. The
[uncaring, inhuman, terrorist] driver didn't stop to apologize; he didn't
even slow down as if he didn't see my black cat on the unlit [road, street]
in a blinding [fog, rainstorm] at 2 AM on a moonless night. My [children,
grandchildren, over-priced veterinarians] are deeply saddened by my cat's
death and will suffer from the loss of [its love, something to torture, the
money it generated]."
Our friendly advice to such a letter-writer: Keep your fugging cat outta the
road! If it's not in the road, it won't get hit. Or is that bit of
intellectual insight too much to handle?
Speaking of pussies, a certain local columnist recently wrote ANOTHER cute
essay about his damn cats. Enough is enough. Such writing is making us
completely evil. One more essay like that and we'll start wishing that
columnist would wander out into the road with his maddeningly-repetitive
subject matter.
Here's a letter that you don't usually see: a reader complaining that a local
Catholic school won't let him play bingo for a while because he's winning too
much. He spends around $200 each time and plays fair and square. But now
his money isn't good enough because Lady Luck - or the Virgin Mary - has been
smiling down at him too often. He states that he didn't do anything wrong;
all he did was say "Bingo!"
Well, we think that guy should say "Fuggo!" to that Catholic school. Anyway,
why should he support a school that is part of an institution that shelters
pedophiles from the law? (If that cheap shot doesn't apply to you, Padre,
then don't get hot under your collar.)
The Plattsburgh TeeVee station has really been full of itself lately. It has
been loudly touting the pseudo-supremacy of its local news coverage. During
a newscast you have to suffer through ads ad nauseam about it being the #1
station. For a station boasting of exemplary news coverage, it spends more
time telling us about it then showing us. It still has its whiz-bang hi-tech
graphics and live reporters across the hinterlands. All the glitter but not
much substance. If a newscast wants to be #1, its top priority should be
reporting the FACTS.
During the summer heavy smoke from Canadian forest fires drifted down into
NENYland. One day the haze transformed the sun into a peach-colored globe.
Everything was tinted with an eerie yellowish light, indicating that there
was a shitload of particulate matter in the air.
We wondered if breathing that polluted air would affect our allergies and
asthma. But the 6 PM local newscast on the Plattsburgh TeeVee station had a
reporter claim that there was no health threat. Five hours later, during the
11 PM newscast, the reporter warned that people with respiratory problems
should use caution.
So, do you trust your local TeeVee news? Neither do we.
When the sun turns a strange color, trust your gut instincts, not the dubious
script handed to a meat puppet trained to read, not to report, the news.
We were surprised to open up the Monday, November 4th edition of the New York
Times and see an article filed from the empty heart of NENYland. There in
the Metro Section was a department called Tupper Lake Journal. We never knew
that the NYT had a news bureau in Tupper Lake, an Adirondack community of
3,935 hardy souls located twenty miles south of Nowhere. Apparently a NYTwit
reporter thought it newsworthy that the only department store in Tupper Lake
had closed, resulting in a terrible calamity for the sparsely-populated area:
no place to buy underwear.
Now Tupperites have to travel all the way here to Plattsburgh, spending about
an hour and a half on the road each way to enjoy shopping at Wal-Mart. (And
what says enjoyment more than buying cheap goods produced by slave labor in
China?) In case we didn't understand the real point of the calamity, the
Tupper Lake mayor was quoted, saying that she went to the Peeburg Wal-Mart
one weekend where she noted many of her constituents were buying underwear.
So rest easy. The New York Times is on the job, raising awareness of the
dire shortage in NENYland of skivvies and scanties.
(Maybe the NYT should answer this question: are unmentionables in Tupper Lake
called Tupperwear?)
* Ghost Mail *
If you glance down below you'll see we have a new policy about outside
submissions. Sorry, we don't take 'em. We're tired of digging through tons
of spam to find an "article contribution" that turns out to be disguised spam.
But we're more than happy to receive any comments on our ezine. Just use the
guidelines listed below.
We know you're out there. We can hear you breathing. The Russian government
hasn't gassed you to death... yet.
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NOTICE: Unless indicated otherwise, all articles by Anti-Press. Articles
and comments submitted by others do not necessarily express or reflect the
opinions or beliefs of Anti-Press.
WHERE WE'RE AT: Anti-Press Ezine radiates from our Precision Reality Center.
We're presently entrapped in the alleged city of Plattsburgh, northeastern
New York State (NENYland), USA. ("Jeezum Crow! I can't scare up any thermal
underwear in my size -- those Tupper Lakers took it all!")
EMAIL: Antipress1@aol.com
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