Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
anti-press ezine 2003 09 27
<=============================>
< >
< ANTI-PRESS EZINE #41 >
< >
<=============================>
"We're Positive About The Negative"
This E-dition filed 9/27/03.
(C) Copyright 2003 Anti-Press
=============================================================
* A Pedestrian Story *
We've heard it before: the city is making it safer for people who travel
about on foot.
For example, here's a story from a downtown shop owner, a heartwarming event
she personally witnessed.
She was standing outside her shop, watching a delivery person carrying a
food order across the street. The delivery person, arms loaded down with
containers, was in the crosswalk, had the right of way. The crosswalker was
halfway to the other side when a car stopped and its impatient driver
yelled:
"Hey, get your ass out of the road!"
Yes, Peeburgh is pedestrian-friendly.
---------
* No More Fun For Me -- And You! *
The Mayor, years before he got into politics, was down and out, living under
a city bridge, a victim of addiction. This isn't gossip; he has stated this
in interviews, explaining how he turned around his life and made something
of himself.
But a person has to be careful, not letting his past haunt him too much.
Lately there's been a crackdown on the local head shops. Some consultant
came to town, walked around and pronounced: "There's head shops in your
downtown. Where there are head shops, there's drugs."
Ergo, if you remove the shops that sell the paraphernalia for drug usage,
drugs will disappear. QED.
There are three tattoo parlors downtown, all within a one minute walk.
Drunken sailors get tattooed. So remove those parlors and no more drunken
sailors. Oh, so there's no drunken sailors hanging around? Well, they
might show up, so better play it safe. Anyway, tattoo parlors are a gateway
to the harder stuff -- like body piercings.
Let's pretend the Mayor suffered from a different fixation in the past and
he now looks like the Illustrated Man, almost every square inch of his skin
needled and dyed. So instead of head shops, we suspect he would be going
after the tat parlors.
Anyway, aren't Republicans the ones who say they favor less government
intrusion into the private affairs of citizens? Or does that only
selectively apply, guns are OK but not pipes?
One shop has made the news after DEA agents visited its owner. We've passed
by that shop, took a look inside, and asked ourselves: Is it really a "head
shop"? It does feature custom-made pipes but also offers glass-blowing
demos. The place looks clean and unseedy, offering an artistic array of
items for sale.
The owner, the Glass Blower, hasn't shied away from the controversy, even
after being leaned on by the DEA. The verbal muscle sent his way courtesy
of the Mayor didn't intimidate him. Outside his shop hang American flags.
There used to be a sign stating the owner was fighting for everyone's civil
rights. In the display windows are newspaper clippings, articles pertaining
to the controversy. Apparently he's not backing down.
Then again, there's a bright orange sign hanging in front proclaiming: BEER
BREWING SUPPLIES. Oh well, at least alcohol isn't an illegal "controlled
substance." Welcome to the war on some drugs.
According to a bit of talk on the street, the Glass Blower visited the Mayor
to discuss their differences. The Mayor went on about his sordid past, his
battles with addiction. Supposedly the Glass Blower responded along the
lines of: "What does your past have to do with me?"
Of course, street talk should be taken with a boulder of salt. But even if
the meeting detailed above never happened, it does raise a good point. Why
should your personal problem turn into a problem for me?
Sobriety is a good quality. But people chose it. It's up to the individual
to seek help. You can't legislate or enforce lifestyle choices.
So put that in a custom-made pipe and smoke it.
---------
* Entertainment News: Oxymoronic -- And Just Moronic *
News and advertising. They're not one and the same -- even though the
difference between them becomes less each day.
The Peeburgh TeeVee station is an affiliate for the NBC network. When NBC
isn't showing their "Must See" programming, it runs promotional spots
telling you why you must see all of its shows. These promos run 24/7 and in
our case they drive us away, not towards, NBC programs.
The worse ones try to induce you starting in June to watch the Great New
Series premiering this fall. Again and again, like Chinese water torture,
the same promo is repeated until you swear to never watch that particular
show. We have never seen "ER," "Third Watch," "Ed," or anything us that NBC
has tried to shove down our throat. Those programs are on our "Must Not See
Ever" list.
If they want to promote a show, fine, but why not run a variety of ads? Why
run the same exact promo that soon overstays its welcome? And don't tell us
your show is great, just give us the gist of it and we'll decide if it's
really that great.
But NBC can't stop there. No, they have to run stories on "Dateline," the
evening news, or some other "news" program about some fluffed up bullshit
pertaining to one of its own shows. The buzzword is "cross-pollination":
using one program to create interest in another one. Actually it's more
like inbreeding.
And NBC can't stop there. No, it has to make the local news department at
each affiliate a conduit for its promotional crap. Let's say a hot topic in
the news is "monkeypox." So you're watching your local news and the meat
puppet on the other side of the screen says: "Yes, monkeypox is a problem
and you can learn more about it tonight on a very special episode of the
'Must See' NBC medical drama, 'ER,' shown tonight on this station at 10 PM."
While promoting "ER" you might learn a smidgen about monkeypox and whether
or not it's a threat in your locality. News is supposed to provide helpful
information; it shouldn't be shilling for commercial entertainment.
But NBC isn't alone on mixing news with advertising. Gee, I notice that the
(news)papers, "USA Today," "The New York Times," and the local fishwrap all
run articles about same "hot" series the same week. A while back you
couldn't swing a dead pussy without seeing articles hyping the HBO show "Sex
and the City." Yes, American soldiers are still dying in Afghanistan and
Iraq, but considerable space in the newshole has to be spent on that
cosmetic bag Sarah Jessica Parker and the rest of those media ho's starring
in a stupid TeeVee program. After all, nice photos of "sexy" ladies are
preferable than seeing the corpses of the war dead.
Newshole, indeed.
-----------
* GOOD GAWD -- SHUDDUP!!! *
By Stan Spire
"I'm kinda anti-boy now."
And I'm kinda anti-cellphone, lady. Stuck on this bus for three hours until
it gets to Albany and I've spent half of this trip listening to you yak
about your personal life. You're sitting right behind me, acting as if
you're in the privacy of your home. In fact, your voice is so loud that
everyone else on the bus can hear you -- even though they don't want to.
"I did want to hook up with Alex."
Great. Now I have to get a few details about your sex life. What is it
with kids nowadays? You know, why do they have to compare coitus with
Velcro?
"But Alex has a girlfriend. He does like me but he's going away to
Australia."
Maybe you should visit Alex in Australia where a pack of rabid dingoes can
drag you off into the outback. First thing the dingoes gotta do is chew the
hell outta your cellphone. One of them could bite off your tongue but that
wouldn't stop you from yakking on the cellphone.
I glance towards the front; I know the bus driver can hear you but he's
trying to keep his eyes on the road, his mind on the job. You see, when you
fell asleep and were snoring -- a blissful sound compared to your chattering
-- he got on the PA and said that cell phone usage should be limited, please
make your message brief. The driver added that no one else wants to hear
personal conversations. Of course, Cell Belle, you slept right through the
announcement, tired out from partying and hooking up during the weekend.
Snoring. Dead asleep. Nothing could wake her up -- except the ringing of
her cell phone.
Modern day Pavlovian conditioning. Phone rings, girl wakes up from coma,
and starts yammering. Me, I would rather watch a dog drool for the next
hour and a half.
Besides her interpersonal relationship with "boys," I have to listen to her
console a friend about her own situation with a "boy." Fug ya, ya stupid
twits -- find a MAN!
But neither "girl" on either end of the line will ever hear my practical
advice. Instead, Cell Belle talks in circles, over and over again,
analyzing the minutiae of her friend's steady hook-up pal. Maybe he is
saying this or maybe he feels this way. Or, I think, maybe he's an asshole
and it's time to dump him. Only girls bleed -- in this case because they're
too stupid to patch up a wound and move on.
Dear reader, am I boring you about Cell Belle? Don't you want to hear about
why she's returning home, how her parents are divorced, and that her father
has moved to Florida, that she and her mother are taking a car down to him,
and --
Just imagine what it was like to be there, trapped. I make a valiant
attempt to ignore her yammering, trying to read a magazine but I can't
concentrate. I look out the window and plot how I will conquer and rule the
world by frying every cellphone with my orbiting electro-magnetic pulsation
cannon. But my sci-fi daydream quickly fades. Her voice radiates
self-importance -- it affects me on a cellular level, penetrating right into
my brain, imprinting helpless gray matter.
Suddenly a thought pops into my mind, helps me keep my sanity. I stay
focused on The Answer. Misery loves company. And to share misery, there's
always Anti-Press Ezine...
=============================================================
NOTICE: Unless indicated otherwise, all articles by Anti-Press. Articles
submitted by others do not necessarily express or reflect the opinions or
beliefs of Anti-Press.
WHERE WE'RE AT: Anti-Press Ezine radiates from our Precision Reality Center.
We're presently entrapped in the alleged city of Plattsburgh, northeastern
New York State (NENYland), USA. ("I just drank and partied all weekend,
maybe I got two hours of sleep, but anyway I can't remember all the details,
I think I hooked up with Tom, then Dick, and then Harry, or was it just
Tom's hairy dick?, I can't remember...")
EMAIL: Antipress1@aol.com
NEW POLICY: WE DO NOT ACCEPT ANY UNSOLICITED ARTICLES. We will accept a
letter of comment (LOC) on any topic raised in our ezine. **Maximum Length:
300 words.** Plain text format. If you don't want your email printed,
please tell us. To avoid being deleted as spam: Put LOC in the subject
heading.
E-DITIONS ONLINE: Anti-Press Ezine and its sporadically published issues are
available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Copyright 1998-2003 Anti-Press
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe APE
TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe APE
-50-
