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anti-press ezine 2000 10 10
ANTI-PRESS EZINE #17
"We're Positive About The Negative"
A October E-dition
(C) Copyright 2000 Anti-Press All Rights Reserved
THIS E-DITION:
* SPIDER SANTA?
* BROADLY SPEAKING
* JESUS FOR PRESIDENT by Barrett Brown
=============================================================
SANTA CLAUS MEETS SPIDER GOAT
By Anti-Press
The handbill asked: EVER HEARD OF A SPIDER GOAT?
Normally we wouldn't attend a lecture at the Coop with all those aging
hippies, neo-hippies, peaceful punksters, whatever. But here we were,
sitting in this informal circle, listening to a visiting Green Party activist
talk about the possible dangers of genetically-engineered crops while waiting
for the discussion to shift to the (in)famous spider goats.
We didn't have anything against the Coop-- the local co-operative with its
natural foods, organic vegetables, tofu by the ton-- but as an angry
individualistic we didn't fit in with the love, peace, and soybean-bacon
atmosphere of the place. At the same time we were tired of being secluded in
our apartment for long stretches, bored with the role of armchair
scholar-ranter. So we turned off our computer and sallied into the field to
hear what other citizens thought while keeping our sword-tongue sheathed.
Around twenty people showed up for the presentation, mostly younger ones,
with a couple of greybeard peaceniks also in attendance. During his lecture
the guest speaker was on target, illustrating how companies like Monstersanto
could wreak havoc with the food chain.
In a nutshell, bio-tech can involve taking genetic material from one
organism-- let's say a pig-- and then splicing that material into the genetic
structure of a vegetable-- let's say a tomato-- to create a plant possessing
a new advantageous quality. So you could have a tomato with a pig gene that
makes it more resistant to spoilage-- but that man-mutated tomato could be
pink-skinned and would squeal when you squeezed it.
But seriously, ladies and germs, there can be problems. For example, those
charitable capitalists at Monstersanto have developed seeds for third world
farmers that are only good for one planting. The seeds grow into
non-renewable crops, plants that can't regenerate into another harvest
because their seeds are dead, sterile. The farmers would have to return to
Monstersanto to buy more one-shot seeds.
To us those third world farmers would be like dope addicts stuck with a
single supplier to take care of their needs. What magnanimous philanthropy.
Another example cited by the guest speaker was a strain of corn that was
genetically-altered to produce its own toxin to kill off a pest called the
corn borer, a moth larva that likes to perforate plants. Trouble is the
toxin also kills Monarch butterflies-- you know, those orange-winged flitters
that add a dash of color to the countryside, harmless bugs who don't really
bother anyone. With pollination this artifical corn could cross-breed with
natural corn, spreading its toxin-producing properties, until the roads and
fields would be littered with tiny orange corpses.
But maybe you don't care about butterflies. OK, how about your own health?
The downside of genetically-modified organisms (GMOs) is that they could
produce allergic reactions in humans. It's bad enough there's people out
there already allergic to natural foodstuffs like fish and peanut butter, but
agricultural biotechnology could increase the population of diet-restricted
consumers.
And here's the clincher: even places like the Coop-- which prides itself on
natural, organic foods-- are now selling bio-tech food, even though most of
them don't know it. But with a little bit of digging-- like checking the
label-- you might discover that your soybeans ain't 100% natural.
So this part of the presentation was good. It was informative, people
joining in to add their own bits of knowledge, like those "teach-ins" that
were so popular in the 1960s (according to the history books).
But we were here for the spider goat. Even the guest speaker was anxious to
hear about the spider goat. A local activist/co-op worker offered some
background on that bio-tech critter, how goats were being bred with genetic
splicing from a spider in the hopes to produce a novel material with the
properties of spider-silk, lightweight but strong. The company behind this
operation is based in Canada where the two original goats were created. Now
their offspring are being housed at the former Plattsburgh Air Force Base in
a converted weapons bunker.
The goats are BELE: breed early, lactate early. Perfect for producing
spider-web milk that can be made into bullet-proof vests. So the A-bombs are
gone from the decommissioned base. The bunkers housed warheads; now they
house spider goats. Military tech marches on.
Part of the informal discussion involved getting organized, uniting to
protest against unrestricted genetic engineering, whether it be soybeans or
goats. Us, we didn't want to get involved, even though we did respect the
right of others to picket a local supermarket against "Frankenfoods". We
were wondering how far the organizing effort would go-- except there was a
third speaker.
We'll call him the Poet-Philosopher, a local character who had to spew on
about the "symbolism" behind the spider goat debate. You see, what does the
spider goat symbolize? Well, the goat is like Pan in Greek mythology, the
goat man, and the spider part is Grandmother Spider in Native American
folklore, the Pan and Grandmother Spider uniting, making love, spider and
goat doing it, Pan was persecuted by the Holy Roman empire, paganism was
stamped out by the church, like the Christians did with the Indians in this
country, but Santa Claus-- yes, Santa Claus-- well he fought against the Holy
Roman Empire, he existed as a real person in Russia, and Santa was upset with
the oppression inflicted upon his people by the Roman Empire, so he gave them
gifts, and he symbolized--
Psycho-gibberish. That's what this rap symbolized. While one or two sat in
rapt attention to this metaphysical meandering, one person spoke up about
more pragmatic issues, like getting organized to protest--
But the crap-rap-artist kept on about Santa and Grandma Spider and Tinkerbell
and whatever, so we politely left without a word.
We want to do a presentation at the Coop sometime about the dangers of
symbol-splicing, mythological-engineering used to prattle on about nothing
while spider goats are breeding, mutating, and there's a slip-up in security
and one of them breaks free, it's on the loose, sneaking into the Coop and it
spots the Poet-Philosopher in the middle of his bloviation and so the spider
goat runs up and chomps the P-P right on the ass, venomous-fangs sinking
deep, a bite of reality...
* * *
BROADLY SPEAKING, THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS CRAP
By Anti-Press
Bear the bear or bare the bear?
The preceding sentence is an example of how difficult it can be to master all
the tricks and special rules of communication in English.
Besides words that sound the same but are spelled differently, you have to
figure out if the word is a noun, verb, whatever. Bear can represent an
animal (noun) or can express the action of supporting an object (verb). Bare
can mean to reveal or divulge (verb) or can be a descriptive word for the
state of nakedness (adjective).
Imagine how hard to must be for someone from another country who comes to the
United States and has to learn English as a second language. Let's say
you're accustomed to speaking in Chinese and you have to learn all sorts of
different rules, especially pronunciation, to speak in English.
There we were, sitting at the Kubbyhole coffeehouse in downtown Plattsburgh,
when a woman at a nearby table struck up a conversation with us. She was an
immigrant from Hong Kong, visiting the thriving metropolis for the day.
We'll call her "Joan Chen".
She was working on a short article and needed an English word to describe her
work. We glanced at it and rattled off some descriptions, one of them being
broadsheet.
"Broadshit?" she asked.
We politely corrected her: it's broadSHEET.
We offered some other words but Joan was still considering "broadshit".
Now you see why we're so irritable most of the time? We try to help someone,
do our best, but things beyond our control screw it all up. Now Joan will
strike up a conversation at a coffeehouse in another thriving metropolis and
some guy, a grey-haired blue-collar American, will be listening to her,
wondering why she's going on about a dame's defecation.
* * *
Christ Announces His Bid for President
By Barrett Brown
Campaign strategists for both major parties were stunned this week as Jesus
Christ announced His resignation from His post as Savior to over 1 billion
Christians in order to make time for a run at the White House. Sources close
to the Son of God say he has not yet decided whether he will run on the
Reform Party ticket or as an independent.
Shortly after the surprise announcement, Republican candidate George Bush
began questioning Christ's experience record, citing that the Messiah has yet
to serve on any celestial government in any function whatsoever except for a
brief stint as a Wyoming state congressman in 1983. Bush also tempered
remarks he had made earlier in the campaign regarding his acceptance of Jesus
as his Lord and Savior.
"Though I have accepted Jesus into my heart, I don't agree with His
economically liberal viewpoint. I want to give hard-working citizens back
their money. I want to tell Washington that Americans are tired of seeing
government grow." {He added that he had "a record."}
But others have come out in support of the man affectionately known to
millions of Americans as "The Lamb of God". The deeply Catholic Ted Kennedy
expressed his approval of Christ's decision within hours of the official
announcement.
"I am big man! Big fat naked man!" he told reporters on Thursday.
Vice President Gore was not available for comment because he was kidnapped by
ninjas.
Questions have been raised by various political analysts in the wake of
Christ's plunge into the election, particularly regarding the character
issue. Christ was convicted of disturbing the peace in 33 A.D. by the Roman
Empire. Perhaps more damaging are photos which have recently surfaced, dating
sometime in the late 70s, showing Jesus holding a giant marijuana bud in what
is presumed to be His basement nursery. The Messiah has repeatedly declined
to comment on the photos, saying that the American people are weary of
negative campaigns.
"And I say unto thee, that if it is in one of you men to casteth forth the
first stone, then verily, cast it indeed," He told reporters at a campaign
stop in Nebraska. "Besides, everybody knows Bush did coke. Go pick on him."
Perhaps the most damaging component of Christ's image is that He is still
seen by many voters as a liberal. In "The New Testament", written by
political supporters of the Son of God, Jesus proclaims His health care plan
in which every sick American will be brought before Him and healed by His
divine powers of transmutation. This is a step to the left of Clinton's
health policy. Also, Jesus talks funny.
Critics have pointed out that Christ's sudden bid for the presidency was made
only a week after Lucifer, Lord of Darkness and former Austin city councilman
, announced his entrance into the campaign. Christ and Lucifer have been
political adversaries for centuries. Lucifer, who has gone by the names
Beelzebub, Satan, and Barbara Streisand, is running as the Mandatory
HIV-Infusion Party candidate.
The Messiah's entrance into the elections has sparked off several notable
squabbles.
Last week, Green Party candidate Ralph Nader made an appearance on the Larry
King Show in which he accused the Kingdom of God, a non-incorporated
quasi-mystical organization which is known to be funding Jesus' campaign, of
violating a variety of national trade laws; the public backlash against Mr.
Nader was overwhelming until a few days later, when he produced videos of
underpaid cherubim working 12-hour days in substandard conditions at a
Kingdom sweatshop producing cheap bric-a-brac angel figurines.
Yahweh, an all-powerful, all-knowing deity who has commanded the Kingdom
since eternity (with only one brief leave of absence when He got into
real-estate and investment banking in the 80s), denied any knowledge of the
sweatshop conditions at until a reporter pointed out that His ability to know
all things made it impossible for him not to have known, at which point God
said he was just kidding and that he had known about the sweatshops all
along, but they weren't really sweatshops, they were something else, good
things, or words to that effect. The next day He ran a full-page explanatory
ad in the New York Times and had the reporter stoned to death.
Christ 2000 campaign manager James Carville told reporters at a recent press
conference that the voters are interested in "true reform and real progress,
not stale leadership from Washington insiders", and that he hoped to wage an
upbeat campaign. Then he shot himself up with an insanely large amount of
crystal meth and began throwing nearby objects at reporters until he was
subdued and ritually beheaded by security. It was really sad.
*** Barrett Brown is a freelance writer living in Austin where he just
dropped out of the University of Texas. ***
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