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anti-press ezine 2003 05 22
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< ANTI-PRESS EZINE #39 >
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"We're Positive About The Negative"
This E-dition filed 5/22/03.
(C) Copyright 2003 Anti-Press
=============================================================
* OM Versus VAROOOM *
Even disabled people aren't safe using the Peeburgh crosswalks.
Last e-dition we dealt with the oxymoronic term, pedestrian safety,
as it is applied to The City That Don't Werk. A concerned citizen
wrote in to complain that he was almost hit when using a downtown
crosswalk. A few days after that incident the Peeburgh paper ran a
photo of a shaken woman in her wheelchair being attended by an EMT
and a police officer. She had survived a crosswalk close call.
Fortunately the woman wasn't hurt -- physically that is. We can
imagine her mental state after a van clipped her wheelchair before
she could reach the sidewalk. Once again an inattentive driver was
in a hurry and he couldn't even wait for a handicapped middle-aged
woman.
The woman was in the crosswalk when the van turned into her, damaging
its headlight. She legally had the right-of-way but in Peeburgh the
might-of-way is what really counts.
We can see it now: we use a crosswalk and are hit by a careless
driver, ending up unable to walk. Stuck in a wheelchair, we have to
wheel ourselves around town -- and even then we end up being hit in a
crosswalk, doubly disabled.
Call it Plattsburgh irony.
This is a very ironical podunk.
But help is on the way. The city at the end of this month is
bringing in a consultant who will tour the area. He specializes in
"traffic-calming practices." Really. What the fug does that mean?
During the Vietnam War a buncha hippie protestors gathered around the
Pentagon and concentrated their mental powers, trying to levitate the
building. Of course, they didn't succeed. But maybe
"traffic-calming" is a more effective form of mind over matter.
Pedestrians gather in a circle, hold hands, repeating their mantra:
AU - OOOM... NO VAROOOM...
Naw, that's too much work. Maybe they'll calm traffic by tossing a
Valium in the gas tank.
---------
* Champ Chumps *
Here we go again. Someone has spotted the so-called Lake Champlain monster.
If there is a monster in the elongated waters flowing north between
the states of New York and Vermont, how does it survive? Does it
have enough to eat? Is the fish population large enough to sustain
such a large aquatic animal? There has to be more than one "Champ"
or "Champy", at least a male and female pair to breed more monsters.
Why isn't there a whole bunch of little Champies?
A creature that size would become the dominant species, taking over
the lake. The only threat it would face besides disease and old age
would be humans. People say Champy is ten, twenty, thirty feet or
more long. There ain't any sharks in Lake Champlain so such a large
critter call the shots.
Of course, the main reason why the local media report the silly
sightings can be summed up in one symbol: $. Champy stories sell
papers, draw in TeeVee viewers, prick up the ears of radio listeners.
And it's good for tourism.
But there are other lakes in North American with a local Nessie (Loch
Ness monster). Go up to Quebec and maybe you'll see "Memphre", the
monster that cruises Lake Memphrmagog.
These lake critters share the same serpentine shape, variations of
the plesiosaur outline. People are going to get bored with this bit
and so it's time to come up with another monster, something familiar,
but unlike any other landlocked leviathan.
Back in the 1950s there were all sorts of sci-fi movies that turned
ordinary beasties into colossal menaces. Giant ants, a humongous
preying mantis, even a Brobdingnagian Gila monster. So why not an
oversized platypus in Lake Champlain? Even normal sized it's a
weirdie with its webbed feet and duckbill.
Of course, there's no monster platypus in Lake Champlain, but what
the hell -- a story like that is good for tourism.
You need to start small, a few rumors, leaking details out bit by
bit, but don't mention the "P" word. Maybe someone sees a
funny-lookin' big beaver with an odd mouth. Or a skin-diver sees an
animal swim by him in a furry blur, noticing its webbed feet and
flattened tail. Someone could then claim they found a clutch of
large eggs near the shoreline -- but it conveniently disappears
before anyone else can see them.
So a paranormal researcher starts adding up the details: duck bill,
webbed feet, furry body, broad tail, lays eggs -- OH MY GOD! THERE'S
A GIANT PLATYPUS ON THE LOOSE IN THE LAKE!
Now you don't want the monster too threatening or nobody will go near
the water. So if you have "Champy," then you need a cute nickname
for this legend. OK, you could call it "Platty" but people might get
that mixed up with Plattsburgh, thinking it's a term for one of its
human residents. So let's call it "Pusy". Can you see the headline?
RESEARCHERS HUNT FOR WET PUSY
Maybe there could be a claim of the creature found stuck in a sewer pipe:
POLICE INVESTIGATE REPORT OF TIGHT PUSY
Yup, those headlines will bring in the tourists!
--------
* Con-sultants Eat Caviar! *
Hey, are you a recent college grad with nowhere to go? Job market
sucks, right?
How would you like to work for yourself? Work your own hours?
There's an immediate need for con-sultants. That's not to be
confused with consultants, experts who know something and offer
valuable advice. As a con-sultant all you need to know is how to
overwhelm others with the impression of sizzle in your steak, winning
their confidence.
After four years of college -- which, of course, involved five per
cent education and ninety-five per cent partying and screwing around
-- you're most likely not an expert in anything. But don't let the
Real World daunt you. There's a lot of people out there who assume
they can see the big picture, believe they have the inside track, but
in actuality their authority lies in rank, not knowledge. They're
called bosses.
So be your own boss. Anyone can learn the secrets of con-sulting.
Open up a dictionary and a thesaurus. You learned how to do that in
college, right? OK, you need a highfalutin con-sultant title, a
specifically-vague monicker that will wow lesser (i.e. nave)
mortals. This title has to be a catchall that allows you to appear
to be an authority in all sorts of areas, even though you're a jerk
of all trades and master of none.
Call yourself a "Sustainable Enhancement Facilitator" or a "Viable
Facilitation Enhancer." Print up a pile of business cards and you're
all set to tackle any situation.
Next, find someone with a problem -- but not anyone. You want to
contact a person in power who only wants to APPEAR that he's taking
action by bringing in a con-sultant. It's cheaper for him to hire
you to identify "key areas of concern" or "particular points of
nonfacilitation" and pretend that something will be done. You show
up, go through the motions, file a report, meetings are held
regarding your report, months pass, the problem fades into the
background, years pass, your report has fallen into the memory hole,
then someone else gets upset with the problem, so another con-sultant
is brought in -- yes, the never-ending story of pseudo-action.
Are you nervous that as a con-sultant you are expected to produce
SOMETHING? After all, you can't just fill up a report with dialogue
from a "Spider-Man" comic book -- even though that might sneak by.
No, a semi-conscious semi-conscientious person might read your
findings and say, "Hey, who's this Green Goblin guy? Is he in
accounting or human resources?"
Obviously your report needs the semblance of an important document,
i.e. ten pages of dense wording and obtuse statements. To create
adjectival infrastructurally-sustainable thesaurus-inspired verbiage,
you have to generate some basic building material. Just suck in
volunteers to provide this material. These volunteers are employees
or customers. Design a questionnaire that allows the person to vent
some steam, and, more importantly, offer suggestions for improvement.
Then take their suggestions, type them up, and pass off those ideas
as your own. Don't forget to generously pepper your serving with
multisyllabic vaguely-specific terms.
Everyone will be happy. The survey participants can bitch a little,
thinking that the situation will change, and you get the stuffing for
your turkey -- sorry, we mean report.
After completing your "work," the report is perused, debated over,
and then filed on the floor, forgotten. Don't be upset. Your
"effort" will pay off -- as long as the check clears.
--------
* Traditional Sign of Spring Arrives in Plattsburgh *
Dropped by a passing car, the first dirty diaper has been planted on
main street.
=============================================================
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WHERE WE'RE AT: Anti-Press Ezine radiates from our Precision Reality
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Plattsburgh, northeastern New York State (NENYland), USA. (For your
own good: Watch your step! Don't want ya slidin' and fallin' on a
freshly planted diaper.)
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