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anti-press ezine 2004 12 17
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< ANTI-PRESS EZINE #49 >
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"We're Positive About The Negative"
This E-dition filed 12/17/04 from NENYland (pronounced nee-nee-land),
the northeastern corner of New York State (i.e. the hinterlands). Our
Precision Reality Center, located in Plattsburgh The Dull, now features
Bull Tracker 9000. More details at the end of this e-dition.
(C) Copyright 2004 Anti-Press
= = = = =
* Got A Shortwave Radio? Turn Around! *
You own a shortwave radio that can pick up uncensored broadcasts from
other countries around the world?
You do? Well, that's the PITs. You must be a terrorist.
That's according to the USPS. No, that's not the United States Postal
Service. We're referring to the other federal bureaucracy, the United
States Police State. Apparently the Fatherland is threatened if you
listen to the BBC, CBC, or Radio Outer Mongolia. Recently a law-abiding
American -- we'll call him Mr. A. Citizen -- crossed the border at a
jerkwater location in New York State to visit some friends in Canada.
Mr. Citizen wanted to show them his shortwave radio, a hobby he enjoys
in his spare time. The Canadian officer had no problem letting him
cross into Quebec. A few questions and he was on his way.
Unfortunately a few hours later, on his return home, Citizen ended up
feeling very uncomfortable.
The traveler pulled up to the U.S. checkpoint, expecting another
once-over. A. Citizen had nothing to hide; he was cooperative. The
agent just did his job; his demeanor was neither rude nor friendly.
Everything seemed to be OK until the agent, using his flashlight to
check out the car's interior, noticed the portable shortwave radio on
the front seat. He asked: "What do you use that for?"
"I just listen to stations around the world," was Mr. Citizen's reply.
The agent asked to see the radio. He looked at it and then went into
his booth to call someone. Citizen was wondering what was wrong. After
all, his radio couldn't transmit; it was only built to receive signals.
Citizen was a little annoyed but kept his cool. After a while he was
allowed to proceed with his radio. Driving along, he noticed a car
speeding up behind him. Suddenly the car slowed down as if its driver
spotted Citizen's vehicle and didn't want to pass him. The other car
seemed to be tailing Citizen. When both cars passed under a
streetlight, Citizen noticed that it was a New York State Police patrol
car. He felt uneasy, making sure to obey all traffic laws while the
trooper was behind him.
At one point the road widened and Citizen moved into the right lane,
leaving the left lane open for the trooper to pass. But the trooper
stayed behind him, apparently following him most of the way home.
Was it a coincidence? Was there any connection between the state police
car and the questioning at the border? Who knows? Either way Citizen
was perturbed, especially when he had done nothing wrong.
Still feeling perturbed the next day, Citizen called the regional office
for INS (the Immigration and Naturalization Service), one of the federal
agencies that handle local BS (border security, that is). Citizen
explained what had happened to him. The official on the other end said
that all border agents had greater powers since 9/11. This meant that
one option opened to the agent was confiscating the radio. Another was
turning Citizen away, making him stay in Canada. In that scenario he
would have to find a place to rest for the night, then travel to the
U.S. consulate in Montreal go through all sorts of red tape to get back
home to the Land of the "Free."
Mr. A. Citizen asked why there seemed to be a problem with his shortwave
radio. The INS official explained that such radios were on a list of
potential instruments of terror. Knowing the feds and how they love
acronyms, they probably refer to this as the PITs list. Remember a
while back when the FBI sent out a statement to all law enforcement
agencies to be aware of anyone who was traveling with an almanac?
Apparently a travel almanac is a PIT because a terrorist could use it to
plan his attack, locating key sites. In fact, any local directory could
be used to spread fear. Why, a fiend could find out where Bernie's Fun
Club was located and plant anthrax on the girls' tassels! When those
booby-trapped boobs twirl around in a customer's face with their
anthrax-laden tassels...
Meanwhile, the mad idiots in the White House vainly press on with Viet
Nam II, their insane war in Iraq creating more real terrorists with each
passing day. And here at home A. Citizen becomes a suspect, just
because he listens to a certain type of radio.
* Yo, Cos! Start A Cause! *
Is comedian/actor Bill Cosby still grumpy? He was on the warpath a
while ago, upset with today's black youth, dissed by their bad clothes,
bad language, and bad music. Those dang whippersnappers!
He's annoyed that most of these kids dress so sloppily and can't speak
proper English. How can they participate in the American capitalistic
system? After all, he worked hard and attained wealth and fame, so why
can't these kids follow his example? Yes, you have to give Cosby credit
for making his way up from the bottom. But it can be argued that when
he was a young black man, he had some luck along the way. Not everyone
ends up befriended by a well-connected white guy like Sheldon Leonard,
the producer of the 1960s TV series "I-Spy." Leonard was like a father
to Cosby, giving the young performer a big break by casting him as
co-star of the hit show. Nothing wrong with that -- but not every
ghetto kid gets the chance to be helped along by somebody like Leonard.
Cosby should do more than just bitch; he should start an organization to
help wayward black youth. He should create the Sheldon Leonard
Foundation where top businessmen suffering from white guilt would
sponsor disadvantaged kids, giving them the connections needed to get
ahead. Then again, the problem remains that there's only so much room
at the top; not everyone, even if qualified, can win a limited slot.
There's only so many openings with TV shows, movies, comedy clubs,
whatever, in the extremely competitive entertainment market. Or didn't
you notice that, Cos? Then again, great success can distort your sense
of reality.
* THE ROUNDUP: Post-Election, Pre-Apocalypse Items of Interest *
By Stan Spire
So what's with all the cabinet members leaving Prez Shrub, not bothering
to spend a second term with the Flight Suit? Did the White House hit an
iceberg and they don't want to hang around re-arranging the deck
furniture? The usual explanation by a resignee is that he wants to
spend more time with his family. Yup, better get that quality time in
before Gabriel blows his horn.
- - -
And the re-election of Shrub really upsets all the metrosexuals. They
don't know what to wear to the battle of Armageddon.
- - -
Despite what Prez Shrub has said -- read his lips, there won't be a
draft -- one wonders how long the so-called "stop loss" policy will keep
the numbers up with our military. If the Selective Service is fully
activated, then it should be selective in that only those who voted for
the Prez's re-election will be sent to fight in Iraq. After all, if you
voted for Shrub, his war is your war.
- - -
And if you're sent to Iraq, don't bitch about how your vehicle isn't
properly armored against the insurgents' bombs. One soldier -- a true
American -- confronted Defense Secretary Donald Dumbsfeld about the
situation during a photo-op in Kuwait. That embarrassing scene sent
Prez Shrub and the usual gang of mad idiots scrambling for an alibi.
Addressing the problem, Brigadier General Jeffery Sorenson says armor is
on the way but it will take a while. Sorenson also notes that the
Pentagon isn't Wal-Mart. How true. Wal-Mart is evil but is it
efficient. If it was in charge, the armor would've been available six
months ago at any of its 300 Supercenters throughout Iraq.
- - -
Closer to home, the Fake City Police Department is replacing its patrol
cars with vehicles featuring that tough 1960s-era look. A car used to
be less imposing, even appeared friendly, lots of white paint
complimented by blue stripes. The newer unit is basic black-and-white,
obsidian paint front and back. You expect to see an officer throwing a
long-haired protester on the hood, cuffing the perp. The retro-look
gets you into that police state of mind.
- - -
What's this? APE has competition for dissing Plattsburgh, NY? There's
now www.writog.com that features photographic evidence. I wonder if the
market can support both entities. Two sarcastic dogs fighting over the
same dead clown.
- - -
Sometimes I have to pause and think about what kind of people live here
in NENYland. Recently a man ran over a dog with his riding lawn mower
and just kept mowing. The dog's name was Tucker. He had to be
euthanized because there was no hope. After being hit by the lawn
mower, the poor animal was tuckered out.
- - -
Most newspapers are suffering from declining readerships. To keep the
money coming in some are running their obituary page like a classified
ad section. Take the Fake City's own rag. There's no charge for a
simple obit, i.e. just the basic facts about who died. But if you want
to add more, then pay up. Then you can write a sickening tribute that
rambles on and on, talking about the "beloved" who was "mercifully taken
up into the hands of Our Lord" and "was known for enjoying a good game
of mumbletypeg in his younger years." I wonder if I send in my obit
with such lines as "everyone hated him for his insensitive puns" and
"his final send-off will be a Viking funeral, his body placed upon an
old rowboat soaked with gasoline and set ablaze to drift about on Lake
Champlain, just to piss off both environmentalists and the Coast Guard."
After all, if I paid for it...
= = = = =
NOTICE: Unless indicated otherwise, all articles by Anti-Press.
Articles submitted by others do not necessarily express or reflect the
opinions or beliefs of Anti-Press.
WHERE WE'RE AT: Anti-Press Ezine radiates from our Precision Reality
Center. We're presently entrapped in the alleged city of Plattsburgh,
northeastern New York State (NENYland), USA. ("... mercifully he was
taken up into the hands of Our Lord before we kicked his ass into pulp
for making that cheap joke about our dog.")
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