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anti-press ezine 2000 12 25
ANTI-PRESS EZINE #19
"We're Positive About The Negative"
A December E-dition
(C) Copyright 2000 Anti-Press All Rights Reserved
*** THIS E-DITION: Miscellaneous items, i.e. an odd year-end clearing of
odds & ends from our trashpiled desk. ***
=============================================================
EUNUCHS NEED NOT RUN
So what does it take to be mayor of Plattsburgh, NY: brains or balls?
Here's this item from last month, an article in the Local (news)Paper
about two city councilors bickering over the position of mayor pro tem.
The mayor, who oxymoronically is a gay Republican, helped to get out the
vote for President-elect George Shrub and there's concern that he might
leave this podunk early next year for a fed job with the new
administration.
If the mayor did blow this town, then the mayor pro tem, Councilor
Crewcut, would fill in for him. Councilor Beard wants to save the city
from this possibility, concerned by the dubious decisions made by
Crewcut in the past. Councilor Beard states that Crewcut casts protest
votes without considering the negative impact they might have on the
city.
And what is Councilor Crewcut's rebuttal? He challenges Beard's
experience and vision, saying that he, Crewcut, has what is needed to
make difficult decisions. In a word: "gonads".
With statements like that, we wonder what organ Crewcut uses for
thinking.
* * *
TAX DOLLARS GIVE MORE BANGS FOR THE BULL
Here's another boring article about the 2001 budget for Corner County,
listing the annual salaries for various management, elected and
appointed positions. Running through the list we see Director of
Planning, Airport Manager, Highway Superintendent, Coroner, Bangs and
Bovine, Historian--
Waitaminute. Bangs and Bovine? What is that? Something related to
copulating cows? The county is trying to breed a new stock of Jersey?
Where is the $1000 per year for this position going? Maybe it's for
fireworks and milk. So far no public outcry about this mystery line
item which proves our point: no one really reads the Paper, except for
us.
* * *
CONTEST CANCELED; MEDIA SCREWGES MAYOR
Nothing induces disgust quicker in us than an ostentatious display of
Xmas lights.
Throughout the city show-offs with too much money to spare festoon their
homes with superfluous seasonal displays: webs of gaudily-glowing bulbs
draped on once beautiful trees, reindeer-shapes outlined by a string of
tiny white lights (well, they don't have to worry about hunters),
spotlighted manger displays with the baby Jesus just wearing swaddling
clothes and thus freezing his butt,-- hey, it helps feed the poor, huh?
In this time of peace and good will the mayor got fed up. The city used
to sponsor a Xmas decorating contest and every year some sore loser
would bitch and whine about not being picked. So the mayor stopped the
city's participation in the contest, dropping it in the lap of a private
service organization.
That was a logical choice to us. The city has better ways of wasting
its time.
But mainstream media, always hungry for a new Scrooge story, picked up
on the alleged controversy. National and international "news" outlets
had to play up the "Grinch" angle, even though the real Grinches were
the sore-losers throwing tantrums at the mayor.
Yes, the Xmas season brings out the best in most people-- unless they've
spent thousands of dollars on decorations, only to realize their
wasteful ego-driven displays sucked.
* * *
PEDESTRIAN = ROADKILL
While the Merry Mayor of Plattsburgh has scored many points for dropping
the Xmas decoration contest, he wins only one or two points at best in
other areas. One key area is pedestrian safety.
Go to Sherbrooke, Canada, or even St. Albans, Vermont, and see how
pedestrians are treated. Real cities have zebra-striped crosswalks that
give a pedestrian the right of way over traffic. Stand by a curb and
cars will stop for you, letting you cross the street without worry.
So Plattsburgh's new mayor wanted to bring some civilization here to
this hinterland outpost. He had a few crosswalks in the city painted
with zebra-stripes so that a pedestrian wouldn't have to wait all day
for a gap in the traffic to get across the street.
For a while we were amazed. Now and then a car would stop as required
by law and let us proceed to the other side. That's better than in the
past when the local inbred maroons would just run you over. ("Jeezum
Crow, what wuz that idiot doing in the road? Damn, he put a dent in my
pick-up truck. Didn't he saw me doin' 70 miles per hour in this 20 mph
school zone?")
Lately it seems no one is stopping. The mayor didn't follow up with
education and enforcement after re-painting the crosswalks . Then
again, dealing with the maroons around here who have been Kings of the
Road for too long-- it would try the patience of Mohandas Gandhi.
We can see it now: the great social reformer Gandhi, resurrected, in
downtown Plattsburgh on a sunny spring day. No rain or snow. No bad
conditions that could be used as an excuse for not seeing someone on the
crosswalk.
Gandhi addresses his pedestrian followers:
"Yes, my friends, the way of passive resistance will gain your freedom
of the crosswalks. Just like in India, we must show them that we will
not resort to their violence. Now here comes a vehicle. You, first in
line, please start walking please..."
BANG!
"Do not worry, my friends. Our unfortunate friend is still breathing;
he'll take a little nap until his head ceases to bleed. Here's another
vehicle. We must teach these oppressors the error of their ways. Please
cross, second one..."
BANG!
"...Third person, please cross..."
BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
"Jeezum Crow, my friends. This is not working. Do these reddened necks
think we are only speed bumps? Where's my Uzi?"
* * *
SPLATTER PAINT A HAPPY PICTURE
Did you ever get the feeling from our writings that we somewhat dislike
Xma$?
So along comes an article that warms the cockles of our heart. Last
month some so-called "Grinches" in Montreal were fed up with the early
Xma$ displays in a trendy section of the city. So they went out in the
cover of night and re-decorated the storefronts with splatters of paint,
eggs, and grease.
These "hohophobes"-- as they were "cleverly" called in an Associated
Press article-- called themselves L'Anti Noel avant l'temps (Against
Christmas Before Its Time). They warned stores in the Plateau district
not to put up Yuletide decorations before December 1 because they
"wouldn't let you destroy the fall...The world knows Christmas is
coming!"
We don't condone vandalism. But we can understand the rage of this
group. We grit our teeth every time we are forced by necessity to go
into a shopping mall, incessant Xma$ music playing in the background,
playing on our mind like Chinese water torture, every note dripping on
our thoughts. Throw in the baited displays of materialism on sale, then
add a touch of guilt if you don't get that _perfect_ gift, and the whole
effect is supposed to get you to spend money you don't have.
Don't bother. Instead of vandalism, use activism. Don't buy, don't
participate. Actively avoid the whole money-grubbing, soul-sucking,
poor-making mess. After all, do you need a holiday like Xma$ to show
someone that you care? There are other times of the year to give gifts.
For example, a couple of days ago we were talking with a college student
down at the Kubbyhole coffeehouse. She works part-time at a department
store to help pay for her education. She said that even though Xma$
wasn't over, even though February 14 is a ways off, the store was
putting out Valentine's Day items for sale...
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