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anti-press ezine 2003 12 17
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< ANTI-PRESS EZINE #43 >
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"We're Positive About The Negative"
This E-dition filed 12/17/03.
(C) Copyright 2003 Anti-Press
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* A Special Message To All Americans From A Jolly Ol' Elf *
Ho, ho, ho.
Santa here. It's been a while since I talked to you through the digital
pages of Anti-Press Ezine. There's been a lot on my mind lately, even more
so this holiday season.
Up here in the North Pole we closely track retail sales for the happiest
time of the year. I've got this Associated Press news clipping -- courtesy
of Anti-Press -- dealing with an unfortunate incident that (allegedly)
happened during a post-Thanksgiving sale in Florida.
A woman claims she was hurt when there was a stampede for $29.00 DVD players
at a Wal-Mart Supercenter. The siren sounded at 6 AM and the woman, the
first one in line, claims she suffered a seizure when everyone surged
forward to grab a unit, stomping over her. Paramedics were called and after
they arrived, they had to move aside some customers who were unaware of the
woman lying on the floor. When the paramedics rolled her over, they found a
DVD player under her body.
This behavior is shocking. Just rude. Doesn't anyone know how to behave
during the holiday shopping season? I mean, why was that woman lying on
that $29.00 DVD player? She must've realized after being trampled that she
was too hurt to finish her purchase. She should've rolled over and allowed
someone else to grab it.
The name of the game is profit$. I sit up here in the North Pole --
actually I exist in a higher plane of reality -- and I can see what's going
on there in those United States of America. Every patriotic American has to
pitch in and help win the war against terror. Remember what your President
said after 9/11? He told you to go out and buy a car. Gotta keep that
economy going.
Consume, consumer, consume! If you don't keep the bubble propped up, then a
lot of people are going to suffer, especially rich stockholders.
Stockholders work hard for their money; they do more they just sit back and
let the dividends roll in. They have to keep harassing CEOs, put the
pressure on them, to keep the stocks going up, up up!
Those CEOs might not be so focused on what has to be done if it wasn't for
the stockholders. The captains of industry gotta downsize, move jobs
overseas for cheaper labor. They can't care about any human cogs in their
machines.
Hey, you should see how I run my own company, Christmas, Inc. No slackers
here. If my elves don't toe the line, there's always a quick boot out the
door into the cold wastes, hungry polar bears on the prowl.Ê
Excuse me. [SNORT] There, a little snow to keep Santa going. I told you I
was on a higher plane of reality. Now here was I? Oh yeah, consumption.
You gotta keep buying, get those shelves bare at Wal-Mart. Now that woman
who says she was trampled at the Florida Wal-Mart -- don't worry, she didn't
die, they took her to the hospital with some minor black and blue marks. A
spokesperson for Wal-Mart said that she never had heard of such a melee for
a sale. (Her pants on fire...) The spokesperson said that a DVD player was
being held for the slowpoke shopper.
Now there's the spirit of Christmas. Wal-Mart could've sold every one of
those $29.00 DVD players but they were kind enough to save one for a shopper
who never heard about the quick and the dead on Black Friday. So that woman
better get out of the hospital and get down there and pay for that unit.
Every sale counts.
You know, the news said that about 34 per cent of Americans shop on the day
after Thanksgiving. Did you get in a glacial queue of cars going into the
mall that day? Did you load up your shopping cart and wait in a lethargic
bottleneck at the checkout counter? Remember, the news said that the
average American spends about $1,000 for Christmas. So you better be nice,
you better watch out and conform, damn it! If you didn't blow your wad on
Black Friday, then get out now and spend!
Now some of you slackers might be saying, "I don't have any money. They
closed down the factory where I worked and sent all the jobs overseas."
Well, fugging boo-hoo-hoo. You can raise money. Sell your blood. Hock an
extra organ. Become a prostitute, male or female, it doesn't matter. You
got kids? You know they won't be happy unless you get them one of the hot
toys this year. You didn't get little Suzy a Hokey-Pokey Elmo doll? You
cheap bastard! What are you going to say to her on Christmas morning?
That's the hottest toy this year and you had to be a tightwad, couldn't sell
one of your kidneys on the black market. Suzy will hate you because nothing
says "I Love You" like a Hokey-Pokey Elmo. Until next Christmas when the
hottest toy might be Ebola Elmo (complete with synthetic blood refill --
only at Wal-Mart!).
Well, don't sit there, spend. Remember your goal is to blow at least a
thousand bucks. It's your duty as a good American citizen. If you don't,
the terrorists will win. I'm making a list but not who's naughty and nice.
It's big spenders and penny pinchers, AKA patriots and traitors. Patriots
might win a free trip to the North Pole.
As for scummy cheap traitors, your enemy combatant ass is going to be dumped
off in Camp X-Ray.
Ho, ho, ho. Happy Holidays! Don't forget the rea$on for the $ea$on.
--------
* Sick Story Causes Childhood Depression *
Hans Christian Andersen should be bitch-slapped.
He's known for his children's stories like "The Emperor's New Clothes" and
"The Ugly Duckling." But one of his fairy tales still haunts many minds
even today.
Back when you were a tot, all tucked into bed, an adult -- most likely a
parent -- would read a bedtime story before you fell asleep. The stories
could be silly or funny or heartwarming -- but they were upbeat. Unless it
was a translation of the holiday story "The Pine Tree" (AKA "The Fir Tree")
by Danish sicko Andersen.
The story is told through the POV of an innocent sapling sitting in the
forest, waiting to grow up to be a big tree. He notices that other trees
are chopped down and taken away. He wonders what happens to them. He finds
out from some sparrows that each missing tree is brought inside a warm home
where it is decorated with lights and gingerbread men and toys. So the Tree
wants something better in his life: he wants to become a Xmas tree.
The Air and The Sunlight tell the tree to rejoice with what he has: fresh
youth in the open air. But the duplicitous Symbols of Nature don't warn him
WHY he should be glad for what he has. Ergo, the Tree doesn't take their
word at face value.
One day the Tree's wish comes true. He is chopped down and carted off. The
Tree shares Xmas Eve with the happiness of a human family. He is so joyful,
being decorated presents, a star atop his head. But at one point the kids
rush up to the Tree, breaking all its limbs as they plunder the hanging
toys. Then the brats dance around with their new toys.
An adult offers to tell a story but the children have to choose between two.
The kids argue, breaking into opposing sides, each wanting a different tale
to be told. The Tree has an existential moment:
"There was such a bawling and screaming!--the Pine Tree alone was silent,
and he thought to himself, 'Am I not to bawl with the rest?--am I to do
nothing whatever?'--for he was one of them, and he had done what he had to
do."
The Tree overhears the story of "Klumpy-Dumpy" who tumbled downstairs but
ended up living happily ever after with a throne and a princess. The
unsuspecting tree thinks: "Klumpy-Dumpy fell downstairs, and yet he married
the princess! Yes, yes, that's the way of the world!" He believes the story
because the man who told it was so nice. (There must be a lot of dumb Trees
out there who believed President Shrub and his lies about weapons of mass
destruction in Iraq.)
The naive Tree thinks that every day he will be splendidly decorated, that
the holiday cheer will never end. He looks forward to the next day when the
fun will be repeated. But when tomorrow arrives, he's rudely given the boot
like an illegal Mexican immigrant rounded up from slaving at Wal-Mart. He's
banished to the attic, left all alone. But one day someone finds him and
decides to make amends by throwing him in a trash heap outside. Then, in
the last despairing scene in the story, the Tree is chopped up into small
pieces to be used as firewood to heat a kettle. Consumed by flame, he
tearfully recalls his few happy moments of existence.
Talk to an adult who was exposed to this child-abusing bedtime story as a
tot. Hey, most kids are innocent; they still buy into fantasy, into
empathy, into wishes. When an adult reads this twisted tale, the child
identifies with the anthropomorphized pine tree. Throughout the story the
young tree -- not having the wisdom of adulthood -- wishes for something
better. He wants to grow up and be a big tree. Then he wants to be a Xmas
tree. The symbolic entities around him are either too ignorant or too
self-centered to warn him what will happen. Each step along the way the
Tree draws closer to Hellfire, his regret growing until it's too late. The
implicit message is don't be hopeful, don't try to be better. In the end a
kid feels totally bummed out as if he were selfishly used for a day, then
left to rot alone, and finally burned like trash.
Was this story supposed to be an impassioned plea from a tree-hugger to save
the forests? Or to warn little ones that fairy tales in real life end in
despair? More likely Andersen was a fatalist, never seeing any purpose to
life. That would explain his nihilistic ending:
"The Tree was thinking of summer days in the wood, and of winter nights when
the stars shone; it was thinking of Christmas Eve and Klumpy-Dumpy, the only
fairy tale it had heard and knew how to tell,--and so the Tree burned out.
The boys played about in the court, and the youngest wore the gold star on
his breast which the Tree had worn on the happiest evening of his life. Now,
that was gone, the Tree was gone, and gone too was the story. All, all was
gone, and that's the way with all stories."
Hans Christian Andersen died in 1857 -- but the evil of "The Pine Tree"
lives on.
--------
* How To Sign Your Life Away *
"Most members serve one weekend a month and two weeks a year."
Yup, sign up for the National Guard. Oops, the International Guard. Funny
how they don't stress in their TV and print ads, how joining the Guard might
put your ass on the line in a useless war in Iraq or some other foreign land
where American troops shouldn't be.
The TeeVee recruitment ad looks like a video game. Of course, young people
play video games, ergo some promoter thinks, "Hey, let's appeal to the kids
with that. They're used to the pseudo-reality of a video game, so we can
use that format to sell the pseudo-reality of military service -- I mean,
community service."
In the TeeVee ad animated Guardsmen fly around in a helicopter and serve
their community by putting out a forest fire. Hey, nothing wrong with that.
An ice storm hit this region a while back, breaking trees, snapping power
and telephone lines, a real mess. The Guard showed up and helped get
everything up and running. So there is a need for the Guard. They should
serve where they're really needed.
But not overseas in a shooting-gallery environment like Iraq. Of course,
the TeeVee ad doesn't show Guard members scrambling for cover from enemy
fire. The phony reality commercial just wraps up with the animated Guard
figure, guys and a girl, morphing from soldiers into college grads.
But it's kinda hard to be a college grad when you're dead.
-------
* Random Shots *
-- Another big snowstorm has hit NENYland with over two feet of white crap
and the winter nuts are so happy, especially the skiers and the
snowmobilers. Wonder how many will kill themselves this time around.
Skiers usually brain themselves against trees but snowmobilers are more
inventive when it comes to self-destruction. Like a snowmobiler who raced
through the woods and decapitated himself with a barbed wire fence. Or the
one who fell through thin ice on a deep lake; his body didn't show up until
spring. Then there was the snowmobiler who fell off her sled and then an
allegedly drunk friend following behind ran her over with his own machine.
And then there's the guy who avoided the thin ice on the lake but instead
smashed into an ice shanty, human brains and dead fish all over. It's a
winter wonderland out there.
-- Downtown has a few holes, i.e. empty storefronts. So how does the mayor
want to revitalize center city? He wants to bring in a doughnut shop.
Great. As if most people around here aren't fat enough already. The
(news)paper ran an article about the plan. The headline read: MAYOR WANTS
TO FILL HOLE WITH KRISPY KREME (or something like that.) Good luck filling
it, Your Honor.
-- So they say American soldiers kill 54 insurgents in Iraq during a recent
battle. The trouble is that American troops don't collect the dead and the
enemy doesn't take their fallen comrades to the morgue. The ones who can be
easily tallied are innocent Iraqis caught in the crossfire; they're the ones
that end up slabbed in the morgue. So how can the American military claim
that 54 of the enemy have been killed? Looks like they're using accountants
from Arthur Andersen.
-- Arnold Schwarzenneger better straighten up and act like a gentleman now
that's he governor of California. He has to leave behind those wild days of
groping women. I hate to see what will happen if he visits the White House
and meets the national security advisor. If he doesn't control himself,
he'll be on her like white on Rice.
-- Final thought: TeeVee comedian / talkshow host Jay Leno gets paid
millions for jokes just as funny as the preceding. Ergo, there is no God.
=============================================================
NOTICE: Unless indicated otherwise, all articles by Anti-Press. Articles
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WHERE WE'RE AT: Anti-Press Ezine radiates from our Precision Reality Center.
We're presently entrapped in the alleged city of Plattsburgh, northeastern
New York State (NENYland), USA. ("Yes, Vagina, there is no Santa Claus.")
EMAIL: Antipress1@aol.com
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