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anti-press ezine 1999 02 27
ANTI-PRESS EZINE #05
A February E-dition
(C) Copyright 1999 Anti-Press
REALITY CENTER TO RELOCATE
We've stated in the past that this ezine is on a irregular publishing
schedule. The schedule will become even more irregular as we face the
fact that we have to find a new base of operations.
Here in Plattsburgh, NY, there are those who have a home and there are
those (like us) who can only rent a base of operations. We've never
lived in a place we can call "home" since we've been on our own. We've
been at the mercy of landlords with their own agendas.
(Agenda example: Landlord wants to add an extension on their home.
Nothing wrong with that. The Bank looks over the landlord's properties
and says: "We can't give you a loan-- you're not charging enough rent!"
So the landlord gets a roomier dwelling, The Bank makes money on its
usury, and we tenants living on limited budgets get screwed.)
So it's time to find another base, a hole in the wall where we can eat,
sleep, and create without too many hassles. The American Dream of
Owning Your Home: we're pragmatic, we gave up on that delusion long ago.
We haven't moved in a few years and now we have to sort out all this
stuff that accumulates when one settles in one spot for a duration.
So until we're ensconced in our new base our mental state is going to be
more distracted than ever.
UNSOLICITED SUBMISSIONS FOR REVIEW NOT ENCOURAGED
Before we found our voice here on the Net we were like any aspiring
writer trying to be heard through mainstream outlets. We thought that
successful authors would help us to break in. We had this image of a
professional writer: an outgoing, fair-minded person who was always
willing to help other new writers.
Apparently we had watched too many movies and TV shows and also had read
too many issues of publications like The Writer and The Writers Market.
Outside of two or three exceptions, most professional writers whom we
have contacted over the years were either pleasantly indifferent or just
outright rude. We would attend a con (convention/conference), engage
in some conversation with a particular writer, and asked if they would
mind looking at a short example of our work at their convenience. This
resulted in being told our work was a total waste of time or later on
finding our manuscript and SASE thrown in a corner like a worthless
turd.
Now with our little bit of "success" here on the Net we find ourselves
in the situation where others want some feedback from us. Look, even at
this point, we're still figuring out what we're doing. We ain't
professional. We've decided to be up front and not project the phony
friendly image we've encountered with most so-called professionals.
Hey, we don't mind helping others but at this point we're trying to keep
our own stuff together.
So please don't send us your latest ezine or other work and expect us to
respond with a detailed review. We do reviews when we feel like it. We
write this ezine when we feel like it. Generally, if we don't ask for
it, we don't read it. No, this doesn't mean that we NEVER critique a
work but it also doesn't mean that we ALWAYS review everything in our
emailbox.
Sounds self-centered? Well, what do you prefer: honest
self-centeredness or phony friendliness disguising self-centeredness?
If more writers we met were honest about this matter, we could have
saved ourselves a lot of time, money and aggravation, especially with
those overpriced cons.
MICHAEL CRICHTON MEETS STAN LEE
Remember The Andromeda Strain, book and movie, about an alien virus on
the loose among us unsuspecting humans? Ever see the "origin story" of
comic book hero Spider-Man, a teenager who gains great powers when
bitten by a radioactive spider, man and spider combined? Just crazy SF
stuff, nothing to do with real life, right?
Wrong. A little bit of science fiction is coming to town according to
some recent articles in the Local (news)Paper. Plattsburgh, NY has been
scrambling to replace the income lost when the Air Force Base closed a
few years ago. No proposal seems to be too bizarre for our desperate
politicos-- even a spider- goat.
The entity in charge of bringing life back to the dead real estate on
the base is called PARC, an acronym for Plattsburghers Are Rustic Clowns
or Politicians Are Really Crooks, whatever. Anyway, some biotech
company up north in Canada wants to annoy nature and God by raising
goats that have been genetically altered with a spider gene. (We assume
it's a gene from a non-radioactive arachnid.) Such manmade freaks are
supposed to produce milk that will help to create a "bio-steel" that
will be used in the manufacture of lightweight body armor.
Hey, if this is such an important breakthrough, then why not keep these
mutant mammals up there in Quebec? We've got enough freaks, thank you.
Around here inbreeding stagnates the gene pool.
The Andromeda Strain dealt with a deadly virus plucked from outer space.
Hey, with all this crazy DNA research, why bother looking for new germs
Out There when we can create our own homegrown killer diseases,
especially when mucking around with God's grand design for the noble
goat? What baaahd consequences will result? HIV apparently leaped
from monkey to man. What could leap from a arachnidly-altered goat?
Imagine a spider-goat virus transmitted to a human through an
accidentally-inhaled sneeze in a holding pen:
"Did you notice Fred lately? Man, he's really looking strange, all
those thick bristles on his face and those weird pointy bumps on his
forehead. Jeezum Crow, he looks like a cross between Pan and a
tarantula."
Meanwhile Fred is trying to pull off his workshirt in the locker room
but it's stuck, thanks to his mutated nipples lactating web fluid.
And what if Spider-Man's co-creator, Stan Lee, hears about the
spider-goat? Within months you could turn on your TV one afternoon and
hear this cartoon theme song (as performed by the Ramones):
"Spider-Goat,
Spider-Goat--
bio-engineered
Spider-Goat.
Can it kill
with its web?
Take a look--
now you're dead!
Hey there,
there goes the Spider-Goat."
Well, sorry, Stan. We beat everyone to the punch and we own the
copyright and trademark for "Spider-Goat". Next Xmas Spider-Goat action
figures will be flying off the shelf at the toy store (unless a
Crichtonoid virus or an army of man-eating Arachnidan Capra kills us all
off in the meantime).
PLAN WILL STAMP OUT LACK OF CANADIAN TOURISTS
In case you came in late, Plattsburgh is located in the northeastern
corner of New York State, approximately one hour by car south of
Montreal. Being a typical border town, P-burgh depends on tourists with
disposable income that they freely dispose into local businesses:
hotels, restaurants, shops, etc. But according to the local TeeVee
Station our neighbors to the north are staying away in droves.
And no wonder with the lousy exchange rate. The Loonie is worth around
half of an American dollar. Even when the exchange rate is more
favorable, our Northern Neighbors who visit here have to adjust to the
color similarity of U.S. bills which are printed with the same shade of
green. We've witness a tourist who confused an American one dollar bill
with a ten. They're not accustomed to checking the numbers on a bill
and are perplexed by the absence of a color scheme.
Some wags say that they're not surprised that Canadian money isn't worth
that much since it looks like Monopoly money anyway.
Speaking of money and exchange rates, we read an article a while ago
about the black market in U.S. food stamps, those colored-coded coupons
that help poor people put some food on the table, distracting them from
the viable option of rising up and killing The Man. Food stamps come in
colors like blue for a five dollar coupon and green for a ten. There's
a black market in exchanging food stamps for real money. Usually the
coupons are traded at a rate of fifty per cent for cash, i.e. one dollar
in stamps will get you fifty cents in real money, so that you can go out
and buy drugs, guns, whathaveyou, to annoy The Man.
Then it dawned on us. Let's make it really easy for our Northern
Neighbors to visit here and spread around some dough. Set up exchange
booths at the border and take in Canadian money for American food
stamps. Hey, the Loonie is going for around half of American money, so
let's make it official and set it at one rate: 50 per cent of U.S. food
stamps. And since food stamps are color- coded, it'll be easy for
Canadian tourists to notice the difference between a one and a ten.
"But," you're thinking, "aren't food stamps only supposed to buy only
FOOD?" Gee, haven't you heard all those horror stories propagated by
Conservative Republicans about lowlifes buying beer and color TeeVees
with food stamps? The black market is already there so let's just give
up and let the stamps buy non-food items. Visitors from the north--
especially the French-speaking ones from Quebec-- get dirty looks from
some clerks around here anyway. What difference does it make if a
clerk glares at someone because he thinks he's a "welfare bum" or one of
"dem frogs"? Everyone hates someone. (Isn't a beautiful world we live
in?)
TUBE BAMBOOZLES BOOB
"What was the point?"
An acquaintance was trying to figure out the meaning of an ad on TeeVee
for a certain automobile company. We'll call him Biff; he's a regular
TeeVee viewer. The first time Biff espied the ad he was somewhat
puzzled. Maybe he wasn't paying attention. The ad was repeated and he
paid more attention-- but he remained puzzled.
This unsuspecting TeeVee viewer was trying to figure out the message,
the gimmick, to sell the car. Biff told us in chronological detail,
almost frame by frame, what events unfolded during the ad:
A car travels along a city street. It's raining. Cut to shot of front
seat, man driving, woman next to him, man and wife, boyfriend and
girlfriend: yuppie couple. They sit in the car that the ad is supposed
to be pushing. Woman puts compact disc into player, music starts,
keeping beat with the windshield wipers flipping back and forth.
But instead of touting the car's features via a voice-over, the ad shows
the couple and the scenery passing by them. Street scenes: man sweeping
with a push broom, someone twirling a yo-yo, men unloading a truck,
images with a cryptic tint. Suddenly another vehicle cuts in front of
the yuppie couple's car, throwing water all over the windshield. Wipers
clear away the blinding splash. Then the male passenger says: "That
was interesting." Camera pans up, car drives away, as a voice-over by a
well-known actress utters the clever sales line.
"Now what was all that about?" Biff asked. "What they were trying to
say? How does that sell that car?"
We smiled. The purpose of the ad, among all the other ads flashing by
on the boob tube, was for the viewer to pay attention, to remember the
ad. We explained to Biff that the ad had served its purpose. He had
made sure to catch it when it was repeated. He remembered how it
unfolded, detail by detail. And, more importantly, HE REMEMBERED THE
NAME OF THE CAR COMPANY AND THE TAGLINE.
Biff was chagrined. "Well, it's not a good ad. A good ad you get the
first time around."
Yes, we replied, but you're more apt to forget an easily-understood ad
than one that worms its way into your long-term memory through repeated,
attentive viewing.
Biff went into denial. After all, HE couldn't be suckered by such an
ad. Then Pavlov rang a bell and Biff drooled.
FAT FACTOID REARS ITS UGLY LITTLE HEAD
You only use ten per cent of your brain's mental capacity.
Really. So was is one hundred per cent brain power? Who out there has
master the full potential of their skull worm? After all, to know ten
per cent of something, you need to know what one hundred per cent of it
is, right?
But people read or hear this factoid and repeat it without a second
thought. There are facts and then there are fact-like statements. The
other evening the well-dressed meat puppet/newsreader for the Local
TeeVee News stated that one glass of whole milk has as much saturated
fat as five strips of bacon. Today we saw an ad in the Local (news)Paper
sponsored by "Healthy Heart Coalitions", urging us to switch to one per
cent or less milk because of the "one glass whole milk equals five bacon
strips" factoid.
Really. How lean are those strips? How long, wide, and thick? What is
the standard measurement for a "bacon strip"? Is this measurement on
file with the National Bureau of Standards in Washington, DC? Also, how
were these strips cooked? Throw them in a microwave on top of paper
towels and the towels will suck up some of the grease. You can drain
away the fat, leaving more of the meat.
According to the newspaper ad even two per cent milk is equivalent to
"three bacon strips". Well, before sounding the alarm, define your
basic term: "strip". You're only using two per cent of your brain if
you think we're blindly accepting any scientific-sounding statement that
you throw our way.
Readers: Don't clog your mental arteries with frivolous factoids. (This
essay has been sponsored by the Healthy Mind Coalition.)
ANTI-PRESS SHAMELESSLY PLUGS THEIR GENIUS
The Annihilation Fountain will have a new edition up sometime in the
first week of March. This Web Site is always worth a stop but we're
proud to report that one of our essays will be featured this time
around. To access this site, go to www.capnasty.org/taf/. (Or check
out the text version at www.disobey.com/low/listings/annihilation_fountain.htm .)
We don't have the money for a newer computer to build our own Web site.
For us to be included in an edition of TAF is like breaking into a
"slick" magazine. Thanks to Neil MacKay for allowing us to be more than
"plain-text bums" on the Net.
ANTI-PRESS EZINE PROVOKES UNFAVORABLE RESPONSES
In previous issues we included a copyright statement that delineated the
fact that if someone stole our intellectual property, we would kick
their ass into a bloody pulp. We received a couple of emails that
stated the same observation:
"There's nothing good in your lousy ezine. Write something that's
worth stealing."
Our reply: Naw, we're going to keep writing crap so that you'll have
nothing to rip-off. That way you'll be stuck with only your loud mouth
and limp dick.
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Word Limit: 1000 words. No sci-fi, poetry, sci-fi poetry, poetic sci-fi,
etc. Do some research and read a couple of issues to find what we want.
Submissions and readers' comments should be sent to Antipress1@aol.com.
Anti-Press Ezine and its sporadically published issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Copyright 1998-2000 Anti-Press
Publication by Disobey.
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