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anti-press ezine 2001 03 15
ANTI-PRESS EZINE #21
"We're Positive About The Negative"
A March E-dition
(C) Copyright 2001 Anti-Press All Rights Reserved
THIS E-DITION'S LINE-UP:
I - WHAT ROUGH BEAST SLOUCHES TOWARDS ANTI-PRESS?
II - HIGH-SOUNDING EDITORIALS IMPLY HIGH STATE
III - SISYPHUS ROLLS SNOWBALL UPHILL
IV - Guest Essayist VIKI REED: "NA NA LAND"
V - GHOST WRITERS (Email from *You* out there.)
=============================================================
WHAT ROUGH BEAST SLOUCHES TOWARDS ANTI-PRESS?
By Anti-Press
There's a monster outside our window.
It's a hulking mass, seven feet tall, five feet wide, its bulk
preventing any possible escape from the Precision Reality Center. The
monster is almost pressing against the glass; we can just hear its deep
breathing, its low Yeti growls. With one lurch it could come crashing
through, nailing us at our desk.
But we continue to ignore it, typing on our computer.
It drifted into the courtyard during the nor'easter. In NENYland the
worst storms are in March. Nature says: _You may think Spring is closer
but I slow down time even more, making each day more of a struggle. You
must fight more than ever. Even a simple walk around town will be a
hardship._
The monster outside our window keeps staring down at us, its eyeless
face devoid of warmth. When the sun does come out, the monster blocks
most of the life-giving light. But in the end the sun will win: this
abominable creature will die.
We look up from our computer and middle-finger salute the monster.
* * *
HIGH-SOUNDING EDITORIALS IMPLY HIGH STATE
By Anti-Press
We suspect that someone has been slipping LSD into the water cooler at
The (news)Paper.
How else can you explain some of the editorials that have appeared in
Plattsburgh's main source of journalism? For example, a recent
editorial ranted on about tax-cheats, vilifying self-employed workers
like child care providers who under-report or fail to report income
altogether.
Obviously this ill-considered dreck was written by someone comfortably
ensconced in the middle class. There's a lot of self-employed workers
out there who can't afford taxes, who aren't living on an average of 30
thou a year plus benefits being a newspaper editor. These disadvantaged
workers don't have health insurance and the only way they can afford a
doctor is to skirt around the government, working part-time under the
table.
The editorial states that tax cheats are also cheating themselves
because when they retire their Social Security benefits will be based on
what they earned on the books. Of course, that might mean something if
(A) said cheater lives long enough to reach retirement which might be
raised to age 95 by the government to "save" SS; and (B) the government
doesn't piss away all the SS money with some psychotic Republican scheme
like letting a beneficiary gamble-- oops, we mean "invest"-- his
benefits in the volatile stock market.
If there's going to be a crackdown on tax-dodgers, the let's skip over
the penny ante transgressors and go after the big time guys. Some of
the biggest crooks are government and business leaders. If you're
worried about millions of dollars being lost, then take a look at Marc
Rich and his ilk who "work" The System.
And we find it interesting that The Paper is so concerned about
"cheating". Years later we're still waiting for the promised follow-up
story by The Paper about an accusation made by one of its ex-employees.
A former deliveryman stated his supervisor told him to falsify records
so that it appeared that he, the deliveryman, was working less than the
actual total hours. The scam, claimed the accuser, involved the use of
someone else's Social Security number. This alleged time-card scheme
came to light first on the local TeeVee Station, thus forcing The Paper
to run its own story, a gloss-over apparently written under the
supervision of a lawyer.
The Paper claims that it never hides the truth from the public, even if
it involves one of their own screwing up. Then why didn't The Paper
report the accusation involving one of its supervisors until after the
TeeVee news item? If the accusation was true, then it's obvious The
Paper can make a rule and then allow itself to cheat on it.
A clear-cut case of "Do As We Say, Not As We Do" was a recent editorial
about property-owners who refuse to shovel snow from the sidewalks
adjacent to their properties. According to city law, a property owner
must take care of his section of the public sidewalk. The Paper
demanded that the law be enforced, almost advocating jack-booted thugs
breaking down doors and dragging scofflaws outside at gunpoint to clean
off the sidewalks.
Now The Paper just a great job of keeping the sidewalk in front of its
establishment clear of snow. Of course, the front is its public side.
But if you want to use the sidewalk behind The Paper's property, forget
it. Six days later after a major snowstorm and the rear sidewalk is
still blocked, two feet deep with the white stuff.
Then again, hypocrisy is nothing new with conservatives or conservative
publications. In the past The Paper has ranted against raising minimum
wage. Gee, if minimum wage was higher-- you know, at a level where
someone could have enough money to *live* on-- then maybe there would be
less tax cheats and more people paying taxes. Why work an extra job
under the table if you have enough money coming in with one job?
And you don't need to drop acid to figure that out.
* * *
SISYPHUS ROLLS SNOWBALL UPHILL
By Anti-Press
Here in NENYland we've been lucky over the last few years with
relatively mild winters. Apparently it was the work of El Nino, La
Nina, or El Diablo. Whatever caused it, we wish the mildness would came
back and ameliorate this season of depression, disease, and deep snow
drifts.
Living in The City That Don't Werk is bad enough when the weather is
fine. During the summer you only have to struggle with the usual
stupidity that dominates the operation of this overgrown podunk.
Last year during the warm weather The City decided to promote pedestrian
safety. They painted special markings on certain crosswalks to make
drivers aware that a pedestrian had the right of way. But there was no
enforcement and as usual it's safer to jay-walk in the middle of the
street, i.e. it gives you more time to jump out of the way before you're
hit by a speeding yahoo. Anyway, most of the zebra stripes have worn
away, faded from view, like other great plans once trumpeted by the
City.
Now most of the sidewalks are trashed by snow and ice. People have been
writing to The Paper to complain. And no wonder. If it's dangerous
trying to use a crosswalk, imagine the fun when you have to walk in the
street because the sidewalk is impassable. It's like open season on
pedestrians.
But it's all part of the great cycle. The snow will melt, the anger
will fade, and then after mud season pedestrians will have a new-old
problem to vex them, the dangerous crosswalks. The City will sound
grand, saying it will deal with the problem, but nothing will be done.
Before you know it, it's winter again, and the sidewalks are crap. The
City will promise to do something (but nothing is done), then the snow
will melt...
A similar cycle extincted the dinosaurs.
* * *
TEEVEE REVIEW--
THIS WEEK'S RECOMMENDATION: "NA NA LAND"
By Viki Reed
Don't waste valuable Na Na Time. Stop what you're doing and take a look
at "Na Na Land".
It's adorable, it's precious, it's hilarious, it seems inspired by
drug-use, it's one of those shows that a three month old and a 34 year
old like myself can enjoy equally.
Na Na Land is a tiny little show that's produced for Nickelodeon,
specifically airing during the "Nick Jr." schedule-mornings. I can't
tell you when "Na Na Land" is on, either the time or the day. It's one
of many short series programming fillers that close the gap between your
kid's favorite cartoon and their next favorite one. The theory is if
you're watching something during Nick Jr. hours, and the show you're
watching ends at 20 after the hour or ten minutes before the next one,
you will be 80% more likely to catch "Na Na Land". If another short
from another series comes on, you still have four more days in the week,
and a few hours that same day to look for children's shows that end at
odd time increments. Is it worth it?
Yes. In fact, have your VCR and a fresh tape dedicated to this hunt for
Na Na. It is the ONLY short series filler program on Nick Jr.'s
schedule that's worth watching. It should be a new show. Unfortunately
Nick Jr. does nothing to promote Na Na Land on its website and no
reference to its production could be otherwise culled from the net.
Na Na is a little girl who lives in Na Na Land-- but there are
definitely metaphorical overtones that leave you realizing that Na Na
Land is a place of mind, too. The show consists of two tiny, sweet,
big-eyed puppets. You can see the tiny stilts that the puppeteers use
to crudely but cutely move their arms and props, but it doesn't matter
in Na Na Land.
Na Na wears a little jumper dress. Her face is little more than a
stuffed finger-puppet with a simple flat muppet mouth, wide and smiling.
She has big dark dot eyes and a scrap of yarn pig-tail toupee. Despite
this bare bones limitations of expression and detail, Na Na's range of
emotion is extraordinary. Her vocabulary is a series of whispers and
babble that erupt in symbolic baby talk and key words that merely make
whatever she's doing about 8 billion times more adorable.
Sometimes you can barely hear her sweet breathy voice-- you only hear
what you need to in Na Na's world. That goes for her puppy, Spencer,
too. Her puppy yelps, flutters, and yaps. He is always panting, which
excites the squeezable little pair all the more. He's a cute little
spotted brown dog with floppy ears that are made of such stiff fabric
that they are always suspended in obtuse positions. Na Na needs only to
gasp a few loving, "Spenthsah?s" and you're melting in your underwear
with love for the world.
Na Na and Spencer just have one focus every episode. Once they blew
bubbles and saw a butterfly. I don't know how many times Na Na said,
"Ook! Spenthah! A buttahfie! A buttahfie!", all I could do was look at
the little butterfly on a stick bobbing and floating around Na Na and
Spencer, who spend every show in Na Na's backyard. You can see the back
of the house, a wooden fence, grass, flowers, a tree, and whatever other
props tell the tale that day. The weather is always perfect and sunny.
Everything is clean even though they're outside.
Another show featured Na Na trying to get Spencer to take a bubble-bath.
One of my personal favorites was when Na Na was feeding kibble to
Spencer and they found a caterpillar hiding in the kibble. First they
spent 45 seconds in awe of the "cattapiwah in the kibbooh", then Na Na
delicately lifted it out and freed it, whereupon it did a little happy
caterpillar wiggle on its stick. Then Na Na rejoiced as Spencer burrowed
his little head into the kibble, eating away and spilling the kibble
everywhere. "Spenthsah's eetin da kibbooh!" took us out of the episode
that day along with the theme song, which is unforgettable in the way
that say that an twenty year old "Hot Wheels" commercial does,
"Na Na Land
Na Na Land
Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na.
Na Na Land
Na Na Land
Naaaaa Naaaaaa Laaaaaaand!"
Since each episode is so short (probably less than four minutes), it
takes a lot of Na Na spotting to build up a tape worthy of a Na Na
Festival. But if you make the effort to collect Na Na's, you can be
guaranteed a therapeutic, trip into childhood, as well as the most
drugged night you've ever spent in your early twenties.
And when I say drug-induced, it's because straight or buzzed, this show
just can't be what it is and it can't be right that you would be happy
to watch Na Na and Spencer hug for forty minutes, let alone four. It's
like a lava lamp with a really cute face and you can't walk away until
it's turned off.
Will you have flashbacks while watching it? No, but you will have
flashbacks of Na Na in your every day life, and that is worth the price
of sitting by the TV all morning with a cued tape in the VCR and one eye
on the clock.
That is to say, I don't think modern psychotherapy has a problem with it
yet.
=====
EDITOR'S NOTE: As far as we know there is no direct connection with Na
Na Land and NENYland-- but we could be wrong.
* * *
GHOST WRITERS
"Receiving email is like channeling messages from ghosts in the
machine." -- Anti-Press 2001
In response to our article in APE #20 about a recent demonstration in
downtown Plattsburgh dissing the inaugeration of George W. Shrub,
streeteditions wrote:
< Gentlefolk, Ah, for the days/daze of revolution when the P'burgh pigs
had to use SWAT armor for the first time in their bored lives (borrowed
it from then Dannemora [Prison]). That was 60's/70's sort of shit
though.
Don't remember the exact details, but it was in 1969-70 when we
blockaded the Federal Bldg on corner of Margaret/Brinkerhoff for a few
days while folk from the Union Hotel brought out drinks, pipes, etc.
through the nights and day with P'burgh city Police in SWAT gear from
Dannemora and Federal marshalls on the front from 8-5 only. WIRY
[radio] even interviewed me back then and had to censor the tapes if I
remember sort of. The SWAT gear had NYS DoC [Dept. of Corrections]
shields on them.>
APE replies: *If you're going to beat up hippies, use the best... Is
this a great country or wot?*
===
Mitch Shrader writes:
<Speedbums on the onramp to prosperity, is what I say..none of the above
gets my vote. All a you political beasts deserve the carnivore you get,
and hermits at LEAST get to PICK their stench. Any o' this make sense to
them as partakes of the liberal ethos? Didn't we START by kickin'
george out of office, and end up by invitin' him back in? Dynasty is as
dynasty does, and dieing nasty is what lots of folks is gonna, with
george bein half the man his daddy was..and the bottom half, at that.
Sure would hate to be a 'publican, these days, what with the clown
leadin the parade and all.
Wonder about '37 if some national socialists didn't quietly ease out of
the system and head for the hills..I'm gonna. This 'ere's too spooky
for me. Nobody else thinks so? Hey, for once, I'd rather be wrong. Sure
hope so, but ...it's a lot to bet.>
Anti-Press replies: *Huh?*
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