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anti-press ezine 2003 11 27
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< ANTI-PRESS EZINE #42 >
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"We're Positive About The Negative"
This E-dition filed 11/27/03.
(C) Copyright 2003 Anti-Press
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* Latest Trend In Downsizing: Euthanasia *
Hard times have come to the spider-goat operation located at the
former Peeburgh air force base. A number of the caprine mutants
weren't team-players; they failed to meet company goals. These
slackers refused to produce enough of the magic milk needed to
make a new material called BioSteel. Ergo, they've been
terminated.
The Nexia company bred these goats with genetic information from
spiders, hoping that they will produce milk with spider-silk
proteins that can be extracted and used to make light but
superstrong rope and body armor. To make BioSteel a lot of funny
goat milk has to be produced. Goats were chosen because they
breed so fast.
The critters are penned up around a concrete bunker where nukes
used to be housed back when the air force base was active and its
commander would neither confirm nor deny that nuclear warheads
were on his base. Since the base closed, there has been a push to
bring in new industries to make up the lost of income generated
from all of those free-spending drunk flyboys.
Nexia, a Canadian based company, was in the news a few months ago,
whining about money. It wanted more help to finance its
operation, shaking its large tin cup at the state government. A
Nexia whitecollar said New York State only gave his company "very
modest" support while the federal and provincial governments in
Canada were "bending over backwards" with support. Well, if
that's the case, THEN MOVE BACK TO CANADA AND SHUT THE FUG UP!Ê
Sorry, but us yanks are tired of bending over for you.Ê
Without enough corporate welfare, Nexia has been downsizing, first
by laying off a bunch of humans, then by killing 214 animals that
didn't meet projected goals for the latest quarter.
Of course, it's always easy to blame problems on the underlings.Ê
Management never screws up. It's called scapegoating.
And if there's no way to put the blame on the ones doing the
actual work, then just say you're sorry, we're downsizing due to
conditions beyond our control, here's your pink slip and
directions to the unemployment office. Unless you're a lab
animal. Then it's beddy-bye time, happy dreams, no explanation
necessary.
But with corporations growing even more powerful through greed-
driven wheeling and dealing like NAFTA, and with so many qualified
and overqualified people flooding the job market, maybe the
euthanasia option will extend from guinea pigs to long pigs.Ê
After all, management has to answer to the shareholders. Profits
have to go up, Up, UP! So screw the milk of human kindness,
whether it comes to four-legged or two-legged resources.
Beddy-bye.
---------
* Dim The Lights, Dimwit! *
I report for the local TeeVee station and I'm more important than
you. If I want to block the sidewalk with my video equipment,
cables, lights, camera, whatever, forcing you to walk out in the
street, than that's a trifle unfortunate. But the show -- I mean
the news -- must go on.
I must look good on the air, especially when I'm doing a remote.Ê
I glance at my gold watch; two minutes before the six o'clock
broadcast. It's that time of year; the sun set about two hours
ago and now I have to contend with Stygian darkness. Despite the
unfavorable ambiance my news-android glamor will shine, thanks to
two mini-spotlights blazing down the sidewalk and street, blinding
both pedestrians and drivers.
Someone has to walk around my equipment as it obstructs a thirty-
foot section of the sidewalk. He detours into the street,
squinting. Meanwhile, a driver also squints, doesn't see the
pedestrian, and THUD!-- the pedestrian is hit, transformed into a
fleshy rag doll smacking the pavement.
Here I am, perfect make-up, right down to the best shade of red
lipstick, my hairsprayed hair perfectly in place, and somebody has
to interrupt my spiel. How rude. But then again, I catch my
breath and then focus on the mangled pedestrian lying in a growing
pool of blood, a breaking news story. How dreadful, I will say.Ê
What caused this heinous loss of life? Could it a drunk driver or
the lack of suitable street lights?
I'm a TeeVee news reporter. I have my priorities straight, so
don't forget it.
---------
* Starting Walking, Sucker; It's Not My Problem *
Ever get stuck in the middle of nowhere with no way to get home?
Here in sparsely-populated wastes of NENYland there is a plethora
of "nowheres" for one to get stuck in.
This is a rural area with a depressed economy. Many people can't
afford to own a car or pay taxi fees, especially the exorbitant
cab charges outside the city. Also, there are disabled citizens
unable to drive and they have to depend upon the country bus
system.
Call it TRAC, the local public bus service that covers both the
city and the county. Most of the drivers are pleasant, OK people.Ê
But it only takes one on a key route to cause a real hardship for
a rider.
Riders are advised to show up five minutes early than the time
listed on the schedule. OK, no problem with that. But certain
drivers like to show up even earlier than that and not wait
around. Let's say the bus is scheduled to leave at 2:30 PM. The
rider arrives at 2:22 PM, just in time to see the TRAC bus
disappearing into the distance. The rider is stuck in the middle
of nowhere; walking home would take an hour, two hours, or even
longer, assuming the rider is in good health.
Most people take the bus because it's the only way they can get
around, especially in the far-flung reaches of Corner County.Ê
They don't have a car they can borrow, or a friend who can drive
them, or the money to pay for a long taxi ride. For them, the
TRAC bus is it.
Recently there was another incident that left someone stranded in
the sticks because the bus wouldn't wait. He didn't have a car
and wanted to spend a day across the lake in Burlington, Vermont
(AKA civilization). There is a ferry service many miles south of
the city that sails directly to Burlington. Some people cross
over as foot passengers to save money. The crossing is one-hour
long but the scenery is great-- especially seeing NENYland recede
into the distance-- and windsuckers enjoy the brisk breeze on the
open lake. The ferry is dependable (unlike a certain bus service
we could mention).
For people who want to travel that way, TRAC advertises a special
service to and from the direct-to-Burlington ferry. The dock on
the New York side is located on a back road, nothing but trees and
water around.
The TRAC rider took the bus to the ferry, crossed the lake, spent
a good day in civilization (AKA Burlington, VT), and then returned
via the ferry, expecting to meet the bus traveling back home as
advertised in the schedule. As the boat approached the New York
State side, he saw the TRAC bus drive away, the driver not waiting
for the ferry to dock and discharge its passengers.
The screwed TRAC rider waited for two hours, nothing but trees and
water for company, until a family member could rescue him.
We politely mentioned this incident to a particular individual at
the Cubbyhole Cafe. This individual replied: "I don't care."
And who was this uncaring individual?
The director of the TRAC bus system, of course.
---------
*If You Ever Think Anti-Press Is Too Nasty... *
Gotta love Ann Coulter.
Take her latest book, "TREASON: Liberal Treachery from the Cold
War to the War on Terrorism." On page 292 of her well-balanced
and fair tome she offers this qoute by Paul Johnson:
"A man who deliberately inflicts violence on the language will
almost certainly inflict violence on human beings if he acquires
the power. Those who treasure the meaning of words will treasure
truth, and those who bend words to their purposes are very likely
in pursuit of anti-social ones. The correct and honorable use of
words is the first and natural credential of civilized status."
Violence on the language? Bending words? Good thing Ann ain't
guilty of that. For example, try these quotes from "TREASON":
"If the French found the Eiffel Tower and Arc de Triomphe in
rubble, would they seek our permission before launching their
cheeses of mass destruction?" (Page 210.)
"Instead of relentlessly attacking the military as immature or
testosterone crazed -- meaning 'braver than me' -- liberals might
have the good grace to realize they live in a country where big
burly men are willing to protect them from bullies. As far as I
am aware, the military does not interfere in the fashion industry.Ê
They don't have a lot of questions about Broadway plays or write
poetry like Clinton's secretary of defense, William Cohen. Why
can't liberals let men defend the country?" (Page 243.)
"Americans were solidly behind the president in fighting
terrorism, so liberals went and sulked with their cheese-tasting
friends. They literally had to go to Europe to get
extraterritorial votes for appeasement." (Page 218.)
Yes, these are actual qoutes of truth from the pointed pen of Ann
Coulter. Do you also believe in the correct and honorable use of
words? Well, let Ann reveal her civilized status to you. For
example:
"[Singer Sheryl] Crow warned of 'huge karmic retributions that
will follow.' She seemed not to understand that America going to
war _is_ the huge karmic retribution. They killed three thousand
Americans and now they're going to die." (Pages 248-249.)
"Americans don't want to make Islamic fanatics love us. We want
to make them die. There's nothing like horrendous physical pain
to quell angry fanatics. So sorry they're angry -- wait until
they see American anger. Japanese kamikaze pilots hated us once,
too. A couple of well-armed nuclear weapons got their attention.Ê
Now they are gentle little lambs." (Page 230.)
Gee, she ain't promoting anti-social purposes, is she? The
violence she inflicts on language doesn't infer violence inflicted
on other human beings if she acquires power, does it? God forbid.Ê
It's not like her book is a hate crime against liberals,
democrats, the French, the Japanese, Arabs, and people who like
cheese. After all, she must treasure the meaning of words, the
meaning of truth.
Or maybe she just treasures her royalty check from Random House.
Ann, your 15 minutes of flame are up.
=============================================================
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BAA! I want a pink slip, not a black pill.")
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