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anti-press ezine 2006 02 24
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< ANTI-PRESS EZINE #58 >
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"We're Positive About The Negative"
This E-dition filed 2/24/06 from NENYland (pronounced
nee-nee-land), the northeastern corner of New York State
(i.e. the hinterlands). Our Precision Reality Center,
located in Plattsburgh -- The Fake City -- features Bull
Tracker 9000 with Super Dopeler Radar.
(C) Copyright 2006 Anti-Press
NOTE: If you want positive negativity hot off the keyboard,
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subs also available. More details at the end of this
E-dition.
==================
* News Zombies On Your Doorstep *
David Kaczynski spoke recently at Plattsburgh College.
Does his last name sound familiar to you? You're probably
more familiar with his brother, Ted Kaczynski, AKA The
Unabomber.
David Kaczynski is the Executive Director of New Yorkers
Against the Death Penalty (www.nyadp.org ). He spoke about
how his life changed when he realized that his brother Ted
was probably the Unabomber. David Kaczynski contacted the
FBI with his suspicion, hoping to save another person from
being injured or even killed. He thought he had an
understanding with the feds: the government would keep his
name confidential and they would also not push for the
death penalty.
So much for promises by your government. David Kaczynski
said that his brother had mental problems and that life
imprisonment without parole was the best way to protect
society. But the government wanted the ultimate
punishment; they didn't care about any insanity plea. If
Ted Kaczynski didn't have some of the best lawyers around
defending him, he would have been executed.
The other promise broken was confidentiality. After the
word leaked out about who turned in the Unabomber, David
Kaczynski had all sorts of news people parked outside his
home. Big news trucks with satellite dishes, the usual
circus.
It was bad enough when his worse fears about Ted were
proven true - everyone in his family, especially his
mother, was having a hard time trying to deal with that
revelation - but now he had to contend with the media
trying to pry its way into his life, hungry for that
exclusive quote or image. One time he caught a newsperson
using a telephoto lens to peer into one room through a part
in the curtains. David Kaczynski had to go around his
house, shielding each window from the greedy snoops.
In describing this situation, he compared it to a
particular movie: Night of the Living Dead. He felt like
one of the normal humans in that film, trapped in an
isolated house, all entrances boarded up, trying to keep
the flesh-eating zombies out.
News zombies. Usually I call them news vultures or
vampires, but I think the zombie term is just as accurate.
What gives them the right to harass a family going through
a terrible time? Especially when they're bold enough to
set up their cameras and mikes on the front lawn,
scrutinizing every moment, turning someone's home into a
fishbowl. How would one of them react if the table was
turned, that disaster visited his family and the media was
outside, pressing in on his abode, like the ravenous
undead?
But a news zombie doesn't think. It's a mindless creature,
an unemotional monster, ready to eat up the grief,
pre-digesting and regurgitating tragedy into a palatable
form for its zombie audiences.
* What Rough Beast Slouches Towards Buggy Whip? *
Wow! The Plattsburgh Daily (news)Paper has discovered a
newfangled thing called a web-log or a blog! It's adding
one of these doohickeys to its Web site. Here's part of
the intricate answer provided by the (news)Paper to the
question, "What is a blog?"
"Authoring a blog, maintaining a blog or adding an article
to an existing blog is called 'blogging.' Individual
articles on a blog are called 'blog posts,' 'posts,' or
'entries.' The person who makes these entries is called a
'blogger.'"
Really.
Did you know that cutting down trees in the woods is called
"logging?" The cut trees are made into things called
"logs" or "posts." A person who cuts down trees for a
living is called a "logger."
Is that pedantic enough for you?
The simplistic explanation of blogging provided by the
(news)Paper indicates that the editor considers the
majority of his readers to be simple people of an advanced
age, oldsters dating back to the days of the buggy whip.
Also, it seems the editor can't keep pace with modern
technology. Why did the explanation use such ABC sentence
structure? Well, it had to be easy enough for even a
gray-haired editor to understand. After all, he's been
kinda confused since transistor radios were introduced.
The poor old editor: he has no concept of what bloggers
represent to traditional media, especially newspapers.
Such an editor is a dinosaur dimly aware of the new
critters on the scene, not realizing that mammals could be
vectors of extinction.
Hey, dino, wake up! Quick little rodents are eating your
eggs.
* The Mysterious Vladimir Kulakov *
So how did the prisoner get free from his shackles and then
jump out of the backseat of a locked sheriff's car without
any apparent use of force?
Vladimir Kulakov claims he has helpers, that he will be
free. What kind of helpers? Demons, maybe?
>From his criminal record Kulakov appears to be quite the
character, with or without any supernatural help. A
Russian nationalist who has been living in the US for about
ten years, he's been stirring up trouble on both sides of
Lake Champlain.
Over in Vermont Kulakov was convicted in 1995 of mailing
human feces to that state's governor. Before that, in
1993, he decided to get everyone's attention by walking
into the Burlington Police Station with his loaded AK-47.
Previously he had been arrested a couple of times for
trespassing at Vermont courthouses, but apparently those
incidents didn't create the impression he needed. (Is his
nickname Vlad the Impresser?)
Then he crossed the lake to hang around here in
Plattsburgh, eventually creating a commotion in NENYland
(northeastern New York State). He started off small before
building up to the big headlines. In 1997 he was convicted
for criminal possession of a loaded weapon, a 9-millimeter
pistol he left behind in a gas station toilet.
>From here we get into the "alleged" stuff that has been
reported in the local papers.
Spring, 2004: Kulakov is arrested, allegedly found with a
rifle and charged with illegal weapons-possession.
August, 2005: Out on bail and waiting for court action,
Kulakov (allegedly) fails to show up for a court appearance
and a bench warrant is issued for his arrest.
September 9th, 2005: Kulakov is allegedly driving a stolen
vehicle when allegedly pulled over by the NY State Police.
It is alleged that Kulakov fled and tried to hide in a
nearby field. Allegedly a trooper was searching for
Kukalov and so the alleged suspect shot with alleged
bullets from his alleged gun, allegedly wounding the
trooper in his arm and head. Fortunately, the trooper
survived the alleged attack; the alleged victim was seen
recently on TeeVee with his arm bandaged up from his
alleged wound.
After allegedly shooting the trooper, it is alleged Kulakov
fled the scene and allegedly stole another vehicle, heading
south. But his alleged flight from justice didn't work out
and he was allegedly stopped by police officers on Sept
10th. This time he is alleged to have jumped out of the
allegedly stolen vehicle and fled into the allegedly nearby
woods, but the officers were able to catch him without
further incident within an hour - allegedly, that is.
(Sorry to be a bit redundant with the proper terminology,
but due to legal reasons, I must err on the side of
caution. I can't afford to have my ass sued off.)
January 5th, 2006: Shackled hand and foot, Kulakov is being
returned to the county jail after a court appearance. The
alleged cop-shooter somehow slips free of his shackles and
jumps from the moving Sheriff's vehicle - or so it is
alleged. He is captured within twenty minutes.
On TeeVee and in the newspaper, the County Sheriff says
it's a mystery how Kulakov broke free during this latest
(alleged) incident. He shows on the local TeeVee news the
door that Kulakov allegedly opened to allegedly escape;
there is no sign of force or tampering.
But is it so mysterious? Kulakov was allegedly arrested
one time with a handcuff key. If that allegation is true,
then it indicates he's familiar with handcuffs and ankle
bracelets.
Also, the sheriff's department has been criticized for lax
security. The worse incident involved the last episode of
the TeeVee sitcom, Seinfeld. Remember how NBC used to brag
that it gave its viewers "Must See TeeVee"? When Seinfeld
was going to end its initial run, everyone HAD to see that
final episode.
That apparently included the officers at the county jail.
Someone on duty that night disconnected the security
monitors, replacing the regular programming with a special
broadcast of the last Seinfeld episode. After all, it was
"Must See TeeVee." You don't need security monitors on
24-7, do you?
OK, that's an extreme example, but it does point to an
important fact: people are human, even law enforcement
officers. So with human error and oversight, Kulakov's
latest alleged escape attempt doesn't seem to be that
mysterious, especially when you consider magicians and
their sleight of hand tricks. (Sorry, Wes Craven, you'll
have to find another boogeyman for your next horror movie.)
But Kulakov is still mysterious. The mystery: with his
criminal
record, why has this nutball been walking around free for
so long? After his stunts, including mailing feces, one
would think he would be at least confined to a max security
mental hospital.
Or does Vladimir Kulakov only "allegedly" suffer from a
severe mental disorder that may cause an innocent person to
be killed?
FOOTNOTE: The County Sheriff announced that security with
the transport of Vladimir Kulakov would be beefed up. The
prisoner's handcuffs and ankle bracelets will be doubled.
Also, an officer will sit right next to him in the back
seat. Considering how crazy but clever Kulakov has been,
one wonders if he plans to twist the new security set-up
against itself, even using the officer sitting next to him
to his own advantage. (At the same time, maybe I've been
watching too many stage magicians and Wes Craven movies.)
UPDATE: Part of the mystery is solved. Kulakov was caught
trying to hide a handcuff key in the toilet during an
inspection of his cell. The key was in rough shape from
being repeatedly swallowed and digested by Mr. K. As we
noted above, he was arrested with such a key. Apparently
no one suspected he carried a spare in a special place,
waiting for it to come to pass when he needed it. But no
word how he got the door to the patrol car open. Probably
another magic trick such as wedging something in the door
so it wouldn't completely lock.
=================
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(NENYland), USA. ("So, Mr. Vice-President Cottontail, you
claim the insurgency is in its death throes...")
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