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anti-press ezine 1998 12 28
ANTI-PRESS EZINE #04
"We're Positive About The Negative"
Copyright (C) 1998 Anti-Press
This ezine may be reproduced free of charge with proper copyright notice.
A December "Fug The Holidays!" E-dition
_AN XXXMAS STORY_
"Ho, ho, ho! Boys and girls, this is your big buddy Santa Claus, Father
Christmas, Old Saint Nick. Might have to scratch that last title. All
this spiritual-secular conflict with Christians, especially the Catholic
Church, has been building up lately. Seems the Pope wants less money
spent on toys and more on tithing. I don't blame the old guy; he isn't
feeling well and the people around him are stirring up the shit. It's
those bureaucratic rats in the Vatican, the Curia, that are causing all
the trouble.
"They want to yank away my sainthood-- like they did with poor old Saint
Christopher, the patron saint of travelers. Hey, still got my Saint
Christopher statue on the dashboard of my sleigh; it saved me one time
from intersecting with a damn Iraqi scud. Here in the higher reality a
lot of us get annoyed when you meat-bots down there decide you no longer
believe and then jump on the next cult-of-personage craze as if we're
only Beanie Babies or Furby dolls. Saint Christopher takes his
unsainthood to heart; wounds him deeply. Saw him the other day hanging
around with Odin and Zeus, getting shitfaced drunk in Valhalla.
"Gee, hate to get so downbeat this holiday season but some of us really
are in torment up here in the higher plane. I know most of you believe
I live at the North Pole but that isn't really true. The magnetic north
pole serves as a portal so I can materialize into your world and carry
on my job-- until you toss me aside like the other has-been
personalities of the higher plane. If that happens, I'll go postal...
"Ho, ho, ho. Just pulling your Yule log, boys and girls. Anyway, I
know the Curia are probably going to push to maximize their profits by
minimizing Santa and gift-giving. With declining church attendance and
all those lawsuit settlements pertaining to pedophilic priests, they got
to do something to keep the ark afloat.
"Some of you are angry with me for being so blunt. Well, up here in the
higher plane you can't live with denial. No fantasy around this place;
you're the ones who need it.
"Anyway, being closer to the Highest Plane than you are, Santa knows
what is on God's mind. And man, is he ever pissed at times at the way
some of you use His Name as a excuse to screw over others. (Real
Christians he respects but the rest of you...) So God probably won't
mind if I tell you a story that illustrates this point-- and also shows
the Curia are in no position to cast the first coal at Santa. They
perpetuate the myth that the Vatican is the Seat of All Holiness, beyond
reproach at all times during its existence. Well, my North Pole
Interdimensional Portal Operation For Worldwide Gifting ain't perfect
but I don't have as much dirt to hide under history's rug like the
Vatican. (Just ignore all those stories about NAMBLA and my elves,
especially if you hear them in Latin.)
"Got a couple of tomes here from my endless bookshelf that form the
basis of my special Christmas story. Since I only work one day a year
Santa has to keep himself out of trouble with hobbies like reading. But
if you read enough, you'll find all sorts of trouble for yourself,
especially if you repeat ugly events unknown by the majority of you
meat-bots.
"Let's see, this book is THE OXFORD DICTIONARY OF THE POPES by J.N.D.
Kelly and the other is THE CHAIR OF PETER, A HISTORY OF THE PAPACY by
Friedrich Gontard. You can check on the details of Santa's story for
yourself. As you hear my story, please keep in mind that Santa used to
work with such greats as Henny Youngman-- I'm a big ham into the
schtick.
"Once upon a crime a pope came to power, Stephen VI, who had a real hate
for a previous pope in the limelight. In January of 897 CE Stephen VI
reached the pinnacle of his showbiz career with the performance noted by
reviewers as the 'Cadaver Synod' or the 'Corpse Synod'.
"Pope Stephen hated a previous Vatican headliner named Formosus so much
that he had the decaying body of Formosus disinterred, clad in full
papal vestments, and then propped up on a throne to face a trail on such
charges as perjury. (President Clinton, take note.) Now it could be
argued that dead- as-a-doorknob Formosus couldn't speak in his own
defense. Being a reasonable guy Stephen had a deacon speak for
Formosus. Santa wonders if that deacon was a ventriloquist; comes in
handy when you don't want to stand too close to the dead, just throw
your voice.
"Anyway, this bit of gruesome Vatican vaudeville came to an end with
Formosus being found-- surprise, surprise-- guilty. The three fingers
of his right hand which had been used during his life to swear and bless
were chopped off and later his body was tossed into the Tiber.
"Now I know some of you need a happy ending or you won't be able to
sleep at night. Well, a hermit rescued the body of Formosus from the
river and reinterred it. As the months passed the audience turned
against Pope Stephen and his show. There was a buzz on the street about
miracles performed by the humiliated corpse of Formosus. Stephen's run
came to an end when the outraged people rose up and hooked him off the
stage. His theater went dark when he was strangled in jail.
"Well, doesn't that little tale warm your heart this happy time of year?
Brings tears to Santa's eyes-- from laughing so hard. Ho, ho, ho. So
the next time some sanctimonious sluffhead is dissing Santa and
Christmas materialism, you remember that in some cases those who appear
to be so pure of heart, who believe they are doing the work of the
Highest Plane, just might be in denial-- denying to themselves that
their actions are more appropriate to the Lowest Plane.
"Merry Xmas, you little bastards. And to all, fear the night..."
_RUMBLINGS FROM THE REALITY CENTER_
Anti-Press here. Enough of the Santa crap. Just had to get that out of
our system after the "Happy Holiday". At this time of the year we're
extra- grouchy, trying to survive another relentless winter here in
Plattsburgh, NY, the Siberia of northeastern New York State. Some
locals have been whining about not having a "white christmas"; no snow
on the ground. Too bad. Why does snow on the ground mean anything to
celebrating a corrupt version of the pagan celebration of the winter
solstice? These idiots are brainwashed by all those images on TV and in
the movies. To them happiness equals snow piled up to your nose,
shoveling through dunes of God's sluff until you drop from a heart
attack.
Anyway, enough of that. There's more important things to talk about.
You've noticed that the title of this section refers to a "Reality
Center". How did this come about, calling this cluttered corner of our
apartment the nexus of existence? Simple. Being extra-grouchy during
the Dismal Months we're sensitive to stupid things that others overlook
in their obliviousness. Doesn't take too much to irk our attention,
especially on TV where used car salesmen sell "pre-owned vehicles",
undertakers want you to "pre-plan" your funeral, and some crap shampoo
"micro-texturizes" your hair.
The Plattsburgh TeeVee Station features during its local newscast an
ever- smiling simpletonoid who does weather-guessing (as opposed to
weather- forecasting). The camera will cut to the guesser in his corner
of the studio with an array of computer monitors sitting on his desk.
Of course, this guesser is like the rest of the other "forecasters"
across the country who act as if they are giving you a tailor-made
prediction for your own region. Most likely they get their prediction
from the NOAA weather service or a private concern like AccuWeather.
All the local TeeVee weatherman does is repeat the prediction-- more
like a wild guess when it comes to a five day prediction-- while showing
you all sorts of fancy colorized graphics of cloud patterns over North
America that don't mean shit to that butterfly in China that flaps its
wings and causes a hurricane a few months later in Cuba. (Hey, maybe
all that radar they're using to track those cloud patterns is screwing
up the climate, especially if it's disturbing the butterflies.)
On the local TeeVee newscast the Powers-That-Be have decided their
grinning weather-guesser needs an edge over the other TeeVee stations in
the region. So when they cut to his office in the corner, they try to
make it appear that Smiley The Clown is the leading source on any bad
weather on the way, a weather watchman on the wall, above all others,
manning his post as he keeps scanning the horizon. So how do you create
this appearance? You just print some black-and-white signs emblazoned
with the words "STORM CENTER" and paste them all over the wall in the
weather-guesser's cubicle. When the camera cuts to his desk, you're not
looking at the place where he sips coffee, bends paperclips into
questionable animal shapes and plays Pong on his computer-- why, you're
actually peering into THE STORM CENTER!
So what the fug. This cramped folding table and ancient computer are
THE REALITY CENTER! We printed out some signs and pinned them on the
wall, so there!
_TOP TWENTY, YOUR ASS!_
We're always suspicious of polls and ratings, especially when it comes
to Plattsburgh, NY. A while ago we had heard some buzz on local TeeVee
and in the (news)Paper that this picayune Podunk had been rated highly
in some book about good places to live in the USA. Investigating at the
Public Library we found a copy of THE RATING GUIDE TO LIFE IN
AMERICA'S SMALL CITIES by G. Scott Thomas (1990). Subtitled "Report
Cards on the 219 Micropolitan Alternatives to Metropolitan Hassles", the
book ranked P-burgh number 31 among small cities across the country.
It's noteworthy that this book is published by Prometheus Books, the
same publisher who puts out skeptical tomes debunking the paranormal and
the occult. Usually their POV is that any extraordinary claim demands
extraordinary proof. By reading such tomes written by James Randi and
his ilk, we've developed a skeptical view towards everything, even
Prometheus titles like THE RATING GUIDE.
In doing research for this essay we tried to consult the second edition
of THE RATING GUIDE, now appellated as THE NEW RATING GUIDE TO LIFE IN
AMERICA'S SMALL CITIES (1997), "updated" by Kevin Heubusch. Since we
don't have any money to buy a copy we thought we could read this edition
at the Public Library. After all, when you're rated 31st overall, your
community should have a good library.
Forget it. The Public Library only has the 1990 edition. You see the
City Powers don't want to invest that much in the PL, ergo it doesn't
have most of the latest books. We did try to look at the newer 1997
edition. We went to the uncommodious Waldenbooks store at the Shopping
Maul. By the way, for rating so high in the nation, Plattsburgh (City
and Town combined) will soon boast of ONE bookstore for new books.
There used to be three (wow) but one closed during the summer and
another is going dark next month. Such variety! Anyway, the helpful
staff at Waldenbooks tried to find the 1997 Edition on their computer.
According to their database, the book isn't available, i.e. it doesn't
"exist". We can now see the advantages of living in a one- bookstore
town.
But we did find the 1997 RATING GUIDE at the other bookshop that is
gasping its last breath. We glanced over the new edition, took a few
notes, and our scanning indicates the it isn't much different than the
first one. Generally it has the same format, same categories. The
major change seems to be the number of small cities surveyed. The new
edition has 193 cities listed with a few additions and deletions from
the original list due to changing population bases, i.e. some cities
became too big or small to be considered "micropolitan".
Even with a somewhat shorter survey, we though Plattsburgh would still
be lower on the list due to setbacks it has suffered since 1990. But we
were shocked to find Plattsburgh, NY is now ranked at 17 out of 193!
It's ranked higher, even though we know from personal observation things
around here are crap! (We're still wondering how even ranked 31st.)
Like we said before, we don't have the money to waste-- er, we mean
"spend"-- on the 1997 edition, even at a steep "Going Out Of
Business/Last Gasp" discount. You'll find a lot of people like us in
this "city" who are independently poor thanks to the plethora of great
job opportunities offered by this Top Twenty Micropolitan "Mecca".
Anyway, our limited consultation of the second GUIDE only reflects on
the limitations we face every day living here in "The 'Burgh".
Nutshell: both editions of THE RATING GUIDE-SMALL CITIES rank a
selection of micropolitan communities with a variety of categories--
Climate, Economics, Health Care, etc. Plattsburgh is mentioned as
having a weakness in the area of weather due to its insufferable six
months of cold white misery, AKA winter. But there are other weaknesses
that don't show up in the 1997 edition, for example, in the category of
"Sophistication". One new bookstore and an underfunded Public Library?
And there are other factors that impugn the alleged sophistication of
this area. It seems every other week-- almost like a regular feature--
we pick up the (news)Paper and learn that some bent creep has been
arrested for child molestation. Of course maybe this can be considered
"sophisticated" when a pedophile sits at home and uses the Internet to
distribute child porn. In separate cases two locals have been arrested
on that charge. (Maybe THE RATING GUIDE should add another category:
Perversion.)
In our research of THE NEW RATING GUIDE we came across an interesting
critique at the Amazon.com Web Site by a reader. The customer said the
book was "distressing simplistic" with "no local color" on any of the
cities. He was very disappointed because the book offered "nothing more
than rows of numbers-- and not very relevant numbers, at that."
What a skeptic! Anyway, as a public service to readers like one quoted
above, we're offering the "subjective information" on the city we know
best. And it will give plenty of "color", the stuff you won't see in
the Local (news)Paper or promulgated by the Chamber of Commercialism.
The plain fact is that if you come here with a good-paying job and then
lose it, you're probably screwed because good-paying jobs are few and
far-between around here. We've seen it happen a few times, somebody
cock-of-the-walk one day, a top management position, and then-- BOOM!--
nothing, he ends up selling stereos at The Maul during the Xmas season
for minimum wages and minimal commission.
This area does have its advantages, especially if you like six months of
winter and want to ski downhill and Sonny-Bono your brains into a tree.
During the (brief) summer the lake is nice, especially if you own a
sailboat and know how to outmaneuver rude French Canadian boaters who
think it's World War II again and that they're plowing a dreadnought
through enemy waters. There's all sort of places to go around here:
hikes in the Adirondack wilderness with pleasant surprises like a rabid
raccoon chewing on your foot, day trips up to Montreal where you can
enjoy payback time by dispensing Ugly American rudeness-- but it means
nothing if you don't have any money to buy lift tickets or to get your
sailboat out of dry-dock or to keep up with the payments on your car.
Years ago we saw a pie graph at the Unemployment Insurance Department, a
breakdown of what employees in the county were being paid. The biggest
section of the graph-- we think it was like 75 percent-- were minimum
wage jobs. Those wages are a joke. Guess how much the minimum wage
went up from 1978 to 1988? Not one cent. How much inflation during
that decade of Reaganism? Minimum wage in no way reflects what an
employee should be paid, particularly nowadays. No wonder there's so
many families around here with dad and mom working and they still need
help from food stamps.
And things ain't any better. This area has taken two hard hits, one
being the closure of the Air Force Base and the other being a sharp
decline in Canadian shoppers due to a wide gap in the exchange rate:
their Monopoly money is worth like 65 cents on an American dollar.
Anyway, take it from us-- retail pays squat around here even during boom
times. Among the few well-paying job "opportunities" in this area is a
sentence as a state prison guard and putting up with the scum of
inhumanity, complete with urine thrown in your face or a HIV-positive
bite on your arm.
But there are advantages to having a depressed economy, at least for a
big businessman. With people so desperate for work, if they're not
"lucky" enough to land a job in a prison, they can be exploited by
companies from Canada. This is the usual scenario: a company from up
north relocates here, getting all sorts of breaks with taxes and import
duties. It sets up shop for a couple of years, operating cheaply with
minimum wages during that time, and then it heads home to find more
employees to exploit. Meanwhile the discarded workers are back
searching for another job that might last for a couple of years. They
are treated like expendable scum that is occasionally allowed to rise to
the surface of the labor pool.
And what is happening here in the Plattsburgh area is obviously
happening in other parts of the country. Companies "right-sizing", jobs
moving to other countries, other countries coming here to use displaced
workers. We're no longer living in the America of the Good Old Days
where you retired with a good pension and a fancy watch from the company
president after decades of faithful service to the same business. If
you move somewhere else for a job, especially to this neck of the woods,
take our advice and don't set your roots down, especially buying a
house. We've seen people with opportunities elsewhere but they're stuck
with a nice but almost unsaleable house here in "God's" country.
Usually the wife has to stay behind and take care of the white elephant
dwelling while the husband starts his new job many miles away.
"But having a house is the American Dream! And why pay rent? What do
you have to show for it years later? Invest in a house."
Usually a banker is the one with that line. We all know how altruistic
bankers are, don't we? If it's not a banker uttering that bullshit,
baiting you into an overpriced loan, then it's someone financially
secure-- a rich yuppie bastard-- or someone who believes misery loves
company. Are you so insecure that you think you're less of a person if
you RENT instead of BUY? Renting gives you more freedom to move on.
It's easier to break a lease than it is to sell a house, especially
around here where we have a glut of nice places waiting for the right
suckers. A house: a symbol of personal freedom or a financial albatross
hanging around your neck? Leave your options open: be a wanderer, ready
to pack up your show in a gypsy wagon and hit the trail for another job,
hopefully a better one that might even last _three_ years.
You don't read about any of this in either edition of THE RATING GUIDE
TO LIFE IN AMERICA'S SMALL CITIES. Sure, they grade a small city on all
sorts of factors, from crime to education to weather, but it's based on
the assumption that you will get and KEEP a good paying job while living
here. Also, if you're a successful yuppie, you don't have to worry
about finding a job elsewhere when you got money in the bank, rich
relatives, and credit cards as sheet anchors. So if you fall into that
elite segment, then THE RATING GUIDE will help you overcome any ennui
your poor materialistic soul might be suffering at this point while
living in the Big City.
But for the rest of us average people THE RATING GUIDE can serve as a
half-way decent doorstop (at least the hardcover edition). Sorry,
Prometheus Books, but you trained us too well in skepticism. The
extraordinary claim of Plattsburgh ranking in the Top Twenty is CRAP--
unless most of the other small cities on the list REALLY SUCK. And if
that's the case, why does your book recommend small city existence as a
good alternative to the hassles of metropolitan life? Stick with
exposing psychic spoon-benders.
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