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anti-press ezine 2005 06 07
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< ANTI-PRESS EZINE #52 >
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"We're Positive About The Negative"
This E-dition filed 06/07/05 from NENYland (pronounced nee-nee-land),
the northeastern corner of New York State (i.e. the hinterlands). Our
Precision Reality Center, located in Plattsburgh -- The Fake City --
features Bull Tracker 9000. More details at the end of this E-dition.
(C) Copyright 2005 Anti-Press
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* Homeland Security: Bulwark or Bullshit? *
What does terrorism have to do with movie piracy on the Web?
FBI and Homeland Security agents raided the offices of Elite Torrent, a
company that ran a Web site believed to be distributing illegal copies
of the latest Star Wars movie, "Revenge of the Sith."
If you go to the Web site for the Department of Homeland Security, the
section entitled "The DHS Strategic Plan -- Securing Our Homeland"
supposedly outlines its duties:
<The National Strategy for Homeland Security and the Homeland Security
Act of 2002 served to mobilize and organize our nation to secure the
homeland from terrorist attacks. This exceedingly complex mission
requires a focused effort from our entire society if we are to be
successful. To this end, one primary reason for the establishment of the
Department of Homeland Security was to provide the unifying core for the
vast national network of organizations and institutions involved in
efforts to secure our nation. In order to better do this and to provide
guidance to the 180,000 DHS men and women who work every day on this
important task, the Department developed its own high-level strategic
plan. The vision and mission statements, strategic goals and objectives
provide the framework guiding the actions that make up the daily
operations of the department.>
So how does the crackdown on pirated copies of a stupid sci fi movie
help to "secure the homeland from terrorists attacks?" Was the MPAA,
the Motion Picture Association of America, one of the organizations and
institutions merged into the "unifying core" of HoSec?
The DHS Organizational Chart on its Web site shows no mention of the
MPAA -- unless it is somehow placed under the mysterious heading of
"Small and Disadvantaged Business." Yes, online movie piracy is
bleeding so much do-re-mi that George Lucas has to stand on a street
corner, rattling a tin cup, pleading for money to keep his beleaguered
empire on life support.
Anti-Press Ezine is small and disadvantaged. We engage in business
(albeit monkey business). Does this mean we can apply to HoSec for some
financial help?
After all, according to an article by The Associated Press, HoSec's
Inspector General found a mere 18 million dollars had been misspent
during a six month period starting last fall. AP also reported the
investigation yielded arrests of workers and grant recipients, 146
total. Keep in mind that the People-In-Power here in the U.S. say that
this country can't afford one cent for a national health insurance
program: it would bankrupt the treasury. Meanwhile, billions go down a
rathole in the dead end war in Iraq, AKA Viet Nam II. More "misspent"
moolah.
If you want to maintain security, shouldn't you spend the bare minimum
to keep most of your citizens fairly happy? Or do you want revolution
and chaos in the streets when too many are pushed too far?
Locally, if you go by the news in the paper, it seems HoSec is looking
for something to do around here with its Homeland Security Air and
Marine Operation (HAM-O -- not to be confused with the Wham-O Frisbee
company). Last October two prisoners escaped from jail in a neighboring
county and the HoSec helicopter was in the air, helping to locate them.
More recently there was drug raid here in city of Plattsburgh. Again,
HAM-O was in the air, backing up the police on the ground. (One
suspects they were probably eying the college girls sun-tanning on
various rooftops.)
So how does HoSec have all the free time to track down prison escapees
or back up a drug raid (or ogle coeds)? Shouldn't it be preoccupied
with patrolling the border, looking for terrorists slipping in from
Canada? Is it a bulwark or a boondoggle? Or maybe something worse?
We're getting the impression that America is becoming a police state in
the service of the Oligarchy, sticking its nose into every little thing
like movie piracy. What's next? They target free-speaking zinesters
because --
Wait a minute. What's that sound outside our window? Copter blades...
? Yup, a hovering Black Hawk. That glint: binoculars. Time to close
the shade...
* News From Bizarro World:
Rev. Fred Phelps To Spread the Good News of Homosexuality *
In July Plattsburgh will hold its annual Mayors Cup Festival -- but this
time it is marked by controversy.
Hailing from Kansas, Reverend Fred Phelps will be in town to promote the
joys of homosexuality, proclaiming that the salvation of mankind only
lies in man loving man. A former homophobe, Mr. Phelps had a sudden
change of heart when a passing purple UFO grazed him on the head.
"I realized in a burst of heavenly maroon light," said Phelps to APE in
a recent telepathic interview, "that I was denying my true sexuality.
In my hateful past I would rant on about homosexuals because I couldn't
accept that I was one. But God, in Her perfection, sent that angelic
light to unstraighten me out."
Phelps plans to defy New York State law and will officiate over one
thousand gay marriages during his two-day visit.
Asked to comment, the openly gay mayor of Plattsburgh wondered if the
UFO that hit Phelps was piloted by a One-Eyed, One-Horned Flyin' Purple
Peter Eater.
* Dept. of LOCution: Email From Readers *
OK, if you don't want to use your real name or give out your email
address, we understand. We will edit any email to protect your
identity; we also reserve the right to pick a pseudonym. For example:
A Mr. "W.A. McPee" wrote:
I'm a recovering resident of Plattsburgh. Born and raised in the North
Country, I'm all too familiar with the serene veneer and the awful,
unspeakable Lovecraftian truth of what lies beneath its surface. I
escaped a few years ago. I stumble across your e-zine and was happy to
find it after reading the first story. I'm interested in finding out who
your staff is. You can't be so cool that you'd refuse that simple
request. If there is anything I've learned about media consumption the
most important thing to know is who is feeding you their point of view.
Keep up the good work; Plattsburgh really needs to be dragged kicking
and screaming, if not limp and complacent, into reality.
APE replies:
"Lovecraftian truth?" OK, we're forming an image of you. You live in
your parent's basement and used to have a black goldfish named Cthulhu
-- until it died from radon poisoning.
So you want us to reveal our identities? With a HAM-O helicopter
hovering outside our window?
As for dragging Plattsburgh anywhere, forget reality -- the whole thing
should be dragged to the dump.
(Gee, how come we don't get much email? Is it something about our
snarky replies?)
And here's an email from a group called Plattsburgh For Peace:
< Hi,
I am writing on behalf of Plattsburgh For Peace, perhaps you've read
about us in the Press Republican or seen us on TV. Our web site is
http://www.plattsburghforpeace.com/.
Rev. Fred Phelps is from Topeka, KS, his church is made up of extended
family members and is called the Westboro Baptist Church. He pickets
funerals of children, he protested against the rescue efforts after the
WTC attack on 9/11 and he distributed flyers asserting that the seven
astronauts who died in the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster were in hell.
Phelps is planning on coming to Plattsburgh NY (they've called our
churches in Plattsburgh "sodomite whorehouses") to picket during our
Mayor's Cup this year and to picket 8 of our local churches.
Phelps' web sites http://www.godhatesamerica.com/,
http://www.godhatescanada.com/ and http://www.godhatessweden.com/ are
loaded with hate-filled rhetoric.
In his own biography Phelps admits to sending a letter to Saddam Hussein
and giving him support and Phelps sent some of his own children to Iraq
to protest against America.
He is a wife beater and a child beater. Two of his kids left the family
for those reasons.
Plattsburgh For Peace has been formed because of this situation. As a
group of non-political and nondenominational citizens, we want to inform
the community of Fred Phelps in a non-confrontational way. We will not
protest or picket a counter-demonstration when he is in town.
In fact, we've got a positive and constructive fundraising plan to
discourage Phelps and his entourage from picketing in Plattsburgh. It's
a pledge drive for people to pledge money to a charity FOR EVERY MINUTE
PHELPS AND ANY OTHER WBC MEMBERS PICKETS IN PLATTSBURGH. In this way,
the longer Phelps and other WBC members stay to spew hate, the more
money will be raised for the exact causes they picket against!
We are also busy spreading the "Hate Free Zone" message throughout
Clinton County to businesses, educational institutions, organizations,
etc.
Would you visit our web site? It's called
http://www.plattsburghforpeace.com/. If you like it, would you consider
passing it along to anyone and everyone you can think of?
This is a very important issue in our community.
Thank you very much for your time.>
APE replies:
OK, now how can we be snarky after a thoughtful letter like that?
The gist of your email is that the best way to deal with Phelps is to
benignly ignore him, not to engage in confrontational activities like
biting satire.
Oops...
=============================================================
NOTICE: Unless indicated otherwise, all articles by Anti-Press.
Articles submitted by others do not necessarily express or reflect the
opinions or beliefs of Anti-Press.
WHERE WE'RE AT: Anti-Press Ezine radiates from our Precision Reality
Center. We're presently entrapped in the alleged city of Plattsburgh,
northeastern New York State (NENYland), USA. (Oy. Telepathic
interviews are such a headache...)
EMAIL: Antipress1@aol.com
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