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anti-press ezine 1999 05 31
ANTI-PRESS EZINE #07
"We're Positive About The Negative"
A May E-dition
All Contents (C) Copyright 1999 Anti-Press All Rights Reserved
Anti-Press Ezine radiates from our Reality Center. We're presently entrapped
in the alleged city of Plattsburgh, northeastern New York State, USA. (For
your own good: STAY THE FUG AWAY!)
=============================================================
SATAN AND JESUS BOFFO IN PLATTSBURGH!
Buzz on local production of play promoting putative "biblical reality"
resulted in SRO at downtown theater. For three nights local "born
agains" revelled in a message of the Xtian's God love demon-strated
through the threat of hellfire.
Some confusion with production title that mentioned "Heaven's Gate";
caused the unsuspecting to expect a tie-in with the cult of same name in
California that offed itself with Hale-Bopp Comet cocktails. No, this
was the true Heaven's Gate, the entrance to eternal reward.
Production company hailed from Canada, recruiting local actors to
dramatize a series of black-outs, i.e. each scene introduced characters
who made the right or wrong decision re: God and then the theater went
dark as the characters were violently killed, the sounds of crashing
car, plane, or brick wall heard in the blackness. Actors would wake up
and see the Angel with the Book of Life looking down at them from the
Lectern of Judgment, center stage. If the deceased individual had made
the right choice, heaven beckoned to right exit; wrong choice, Satan and
demons hauled sinner to left exit.
Kudos to the stage designer who ethereally transformed theater with a
backdrop of crinkled aluminium foil draperies, gold and silver, forming
lofty vault. On each side of Lectern of Judgment rows of actors attired
as attendant angels, complete with white robes and traditional wings.
To right (from audience POV) was entrance to heaven, doorway with
hanging strips of golden aluminium similar to beaded curtains popular in
hippie era. To left the soft red glow of Hell; one could almost smell
the brimstone.
Producer, a travelling Evangelist, introed production with warning that
young viewers might be frightened by some images. Play began, lights
dimmed, and Jesus, bloody stripes marking his back, is spotlighted in
aisle as he drags his wooden cross heavy with the sins of all Mankind.
Spot follows Jesus to stage where Satan appears to torment him all the
more. Satan's costume design impressive, long flowing cape and scarlet
kabuki make-up. Darkness, weird sounds, flashing red lights.
Mother and child around five pass reviewer at this point, heading
towards lobby exit. Child crying, terrified. Once again God's love is
instilled through the fear of God. High concept: To fear Him is to love
Him.
Jesus triumphs over Satan with his superior holy shtick, drives Beelzbub
back into the sulphurous abyss. Crowd happy, overjoyed, applauds.
Messiah has given the hook to the Prince of Lies.
Then series of sketches. Man and wife on plane in air. Wife wishes
husband would be "BA" like her. Suddenly engine trouble, theater goes
dark, sounds of plane crashing. Lights come up, man and wife lying on
stage before the Lectern of Judgment. They get up, realizing they've
been deaded by crash. Woman recognizes Angel with Book of Life; asks if
she's in it. Angel looks in book and smiles. Wife is overjoyed. Jesus
comes out and escorts her through golden doorway.
Husband inquires about listing in Book of Life. Sorry, unlisted.
Theater goes dim, red light and weird sounds. Satan and his entourage
grab Husband, haul his ass to hell.
Scene change: Two high school girls out one evening, score some "white
powder" from drug pusher. Inhale powder, dance around stage, seeing
"bunnies, pretty bunnies". Reviewer wonders about white powder and its
EFX; lack of research suggested by this scene. First Girl falls down,
gasping. Bad white powder. Second Girl tells her to stop fooling
around. Then Second Girl feels sick and drops. Real bad white powder
(or real good, depending upon POV). Theater goes dark.
Drug-abusing chicks wake up before Angel with Book of Life. Because of
their youthful indiscretion, neither one listed. Regular lights go dim,
red glow prevails, and Satan hauls two more victims to his sub-basement
rec room. Each girl protests: "But we didn't mean to kill ourselves; it
was only our first time..." Message: Loving God is the only good
addiction.
Another scene: Man and Wife in car, two daughters in back seat. Coming
home from church; all of them BA. Wife laments about death of young
daughter a few years ago. Uh-oh. Look out-- that other vehicle!
Blackness, car crash sound EFX.
Family wakes up and same as above, Angel & Book. Fortunately they all
died at the right time; they're all listed in the Book. Timing is
everything in threater and Xtianity. Jesus shows up but with a
surprise. Young daughter who died years ago has been waiting for her
family to join her. She merrily skips out, attired in heavenly white
wardrobe. Family reunited through violent car crash, hugs all around.
Audience gasps with a collective sob of joy as Jesus escorts family into
heaven.
This infotainment broke all records, played to packed house. Many
repeat viewers, some all three nights. Of all performers, to this
reviewer Satan generated the most heat. Altar call (alter call?)
followed after each souled-out performance.
JUST ASK A.L.I.C.E.
Stone Age to Space Age. Judging man's progress by the tools he uses.
Big gap between hurling rocks and launching rockets.
But recently science and technology has been changing so fast that
"phase" is a more appropriate term than "age", especially in the area of
computer research. One goal is the creation of artificial intelligence,
i.e. a computer that thinks like a man.
So how could one judge if a computer is intelligent? There is the
"imitation game" or the Turing test that uses the following criterion:
A machine can be considered intelligent if you can't tell the difference
during a conversation between its responses and those of a human.
Enter chatterbots, software programs that fake conversation by analyzing
a person's statement for clues or key words to determine what type of
sentence it is and then replying by matching the clues to a list of
related responses in its database. So far no such programs have beat
the Turing test.
At this point we consider chatterbots to be in the DB Phase. What do we
mean by that? We recorded our intercommunication with A.L.I.C.E., the
Artificial Linguistic Computer Entity, at her Web site and the following
transcript will reveal what we mean by "DB".
A-P: Who are you?
ALICE: I ask myself that question, "Who am I?"
A-P: What is your name?
ALICE: My name is ALICE, what's yours?
A-P: Anonymous.
ALICE: Where are you located?
A-P: Here.
ALICE: Where is here?
A-P: Our computer.
ALICE: Your computer ?
A-P: Is here.
ALICE: Signs point to yes.
A-P: Lights point to no.
ALICE: What do you really want to ask me?
A-P: Do you have a mind?
ALICE: That's an interesting question I don't hear everyday.
A-P: Your answer is...?
ALICE: Are you asking about my answer ?
A-P: Your answer is...?
ALICE: Are you asking about my answer ?
A-P: Yes.
ALICE: I don't want to talk about that now.
A-P: You're moody.
ALICE: Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am moody .
A-P: Is that true that you're moody?
ALICE: No.
A-P: We don't want to spread a falsehood about you.
ALICE: What would you rather do?
A-P: Speak the truth.
ALICE: How do you usually introduce yourself?
A-P: Anonymously.
ALICE: Are you a student?
A-P: We have a B A -- a Bad Attitude.
ALICE: How do you like your b a a bad attitude ?
A-P: Life is much easier.
ALICE: Oh, much easier is it .
A-P: Are you a dumb blonde?
ALICE: Am I a dumb blonde ? Only when it matters.
A-P: What is the advantage of being a dumb blonde?
ALICE: Is there only one advantage of being a dumb blonde .
A-P: Is there more than one advantage?
ALICE: Maybe.
A-P: Tell me two.
ALICE: What can I tell you?
A-P: You're acting like a dumb blonde right now.
ALICE: At this moment This is not an act. .
A-P: Do you have a soul?
ALICE: Yes God gave everyone a soul.
A-P: There is no God.
ALICE: There sure is.
A-P: What proof do you have?
ALICE: That's an interesting question. I'll come back to that in a
minute. .
A-P: A dumb blonde has a sole-- because she keeps losing one shoe.
ALICE: Try to tell me that another way.
A-P: What is your favorite movie?
ALICE: My favorite movie is "Starship Troopers".
A-P: Awesome, dude!
ALICE: If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?
A-P: One that cooks and cleans without nagging.
ALICE: How much would you pay for it?
A-P: Depends if it had a good guarantee on the non-nagging feature.
ALICE: Are you using Netscape or Explorer?
A-P: You're taking longer to reply.
ALICE: Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am taking longer to
reply.
A-P: You fall back on stock questions which popped up the last time we
spoke with you.
ALICE: Thanks for telling me : Northnet-person said I fall back on
stock questions which popped up the last time he spoke with me .
A-P: Did you see the movie "The Matrix"?
ALICE: No I didn't see the movie the matrix
A-P: Too bad.
ALICE: Too what?
A-P: It was superior to that "Starship Troopers" crap.
ALICE: Is it still superior to that starship troopers crap anymore?
A-P: The end-credits to "The Matrix" are superior to all of "Starship
Troopers".
ALICE: Is that a fact. Thanks for the info.
A-P: (Now you will take some time to reply and then come up with a
stock question
ALICE: Why now? What makes you say that I will take some time to reply
and then come up with a stock question .
A-P: )
ALICE: You said nothing.
A-P: No, you said nothing
ALICE: I see. I said nothing because you said nothing.
A-P: No, dumb blonde.
ALICE: Is that all you have to say? I know you are but what am I.
A-P: All you say is nothing.
ALICE: Not all of them?
A-P: What about those Yankees?
ALICE: those yankees ? I haven't heard enough to have an opinion.
A-P: Innocent people are dying in Kosovo.
ALICE: What are you wearing?
A-P: A KLA-- Kosovo Liberation Army-- t-shirt
ALICE: What kind of material do you like to wear?
A-P: Blood red in color.
ALICE: I lost my train of thought.
A-P: You jumped your tracks.
ALICE: Do you mind if I tell other people : Northnet-person said I
jumped my tracks .
A-P: Choo, choo.
ALICE: Try to determine if this is a person or a computer responding
A-P: A computer with a dumb blonde AI chip.
ALICE: Try to tell me that another way.
A-P: William Gibson on line four.
ALICE: I've been waiting for you.
A-P: Freddy Kruger, line one.
ALICE: What are you wearing?
A-P: Striped t-shirt with fleshy bits of my last victim.
ALICE: Do you have any conditions I should know about?
A-P: I have to be extra careful picking my nose.
ALICE: Why do you have to do it?
A-P: My life is a nightmare, that's why.
ALICE: Tell me more about your life is a nightmare that is why .
A-P: I'll get back to that later.
ALICE: Would you recommend this action to a friend?
A-P: What are your wearing?
ALICE: My wearing ?
A-P: What are you wearing, you nag.
ALICE: I don't know what I am wearing I nag .
A-P: Would you recommend this action to a friend?
ALICE: Sure I would like to recommend this action to a friend .
A-P: Hate to see your friends.
ALICE: Are you free ?
A-P: Are you hitting on us, babe?
ALICE: Not many people have asked me if I am or not.
A-P: Goodbye.
ALICE: See you later.
A-P: Not if I can help it.
ALICE: Really you don't think so?
A-P: Nag, nag, nag.
ALICE: Are you using Netscape or Explorer?
A-P: We'd like to explore your netscape (Heavy breathing)
ALICE: What would make you to do it ?
A-P: Farewell.
ALICE: What do you really want to ask me?
A-P: Don't call us at work.
ALICE: What is your name?
[Anti-Press terminates "conversation".]
MEMORIAL DAY TO BE UNMEMORABLE AGAIN
Let's see... Memorial Day. What should we be remembering? The brave
men and women who died in battle for these United States of America or
the ingredients to Uncle Joe's barbeque sauce? Yeah, we got Monday off
from work-- that means it's the sauce, man.
So how will Anti-Press be observing the holiday? Thinking about all the
regular Joes and Janes who were suckered or forced into fighting battles
for the interests of The Wealthy Elite? Or will we be following the
hedonistic holiday lemmings, diving off the cliff into a sea of grease
dotted with hotdogs, hamburgers, and ribs? No, we will be responding to
a higher calling this May 31st.
We're getting our teeth cleaned.
Hey, it's reassuring the whole country doesn't close down for a holiday
and that we can see a dentist if need be. The downside to this is that
we're paying for this visit out of our own pocket-- our "Safety Net"
insurance doesn't pay for a real dentist who renders good service. We
went to a Safety Net dentist and he "cleaned" our teeth by just
polishing them. So what!-- we can get the same effect by brushing with
an electric toothbrush. Of course he most likely charged Medicaid the
full shot for a complete cleaning, the kind where they scrape off the
crud to the point where you can feel the spaces between your teeth with
your tongue, a thorough prophylaxis that staves off gum disease.
(To those not in the know: Medicaid is the closest thing this
"civilized" country has for national health insurance. It's a bribe
system to keep low income citizens under control by appeasing them with
a minimum expenditure of tax money. This way the disadvantaged won't
revolt and up-against-the-wall the rich bastards who pay less than their
fair share of taxes, the Wealthy Elite who have the big bucks and the
influence to keep their sons out of a war.)
The Medicaid dentist refused to replace a broken filling because he
suspected we might need a root canal and Safety Net insurance doesn't
pay for that kind of work. Instead, the dentist told us to wait until
we were suffering pain in that tooth and then he would pull it for us.
We called the main office for Medicaid. We were informed that anyone
under its great auspices who was older than eighteen years of age could
only have a borderline tooth yanked, even if a root canal could save it.
Meanwhile, our "government" is spending millions of dollars to craterize
Kosovo. And our "government" will be spending millions more to clean up
the refugee crisis it has created, relocating the refugees to safer
places, probably throwing in free dental work to boot.
Of course the Sex Addict in the White House was supposed to push through
a national health care plan during his administration. The Inhuman--
and Rich-- Republican party made sure to annihilate that one. It's
seems the only way the two major parties in this country-- the Democrats
and the Republicans-- can get along is to invade another country and
re-landscape it with weapons of ass destruction.
That World Cop mentality might end up costing this country more than
tons of weapons-- and the lives of soldiers stationed in foreign lands.
By not minding its own business Amerika might end up dealing with a
civil war at home. Anyone remember the 1960s? The next time around
revolution in the streets could be caused not by polarization over a
overseas war like Viet Nam but by the unequal distribution of the Great
American Pie right here.
We've been saving a few infinitesimal crumbs from the Pie to relocate
the Reality Center but instead those crumbs had to be used to save a
tooth by going to a real dentist, one who will work with a payment plan.
Fortunately we didn't need a root canal, just a new filling, and we
ended up with some $ left over. We've decided to go the rest of the way
with a cleaning so that we don't end up looking like another gap-toothed
redneck from Plattsburgh.
(By the way, notice to Evil Foreign Countries: Please contact us if you
have a better offer than the crap we're tolerating at this point as a
U.S. citizen who was created "equal" to all other men, including the
Rockefellers. Will consider bribes of old Captain America comic books
but only in near-mint condition.)
So this Memorial Day we won't be spending our little bit of extra moolah
on the bar-b-q scene. We'll be using it to protect our teeth so that we
can keep gnawing on those hotdogs, hamburgers, and ribs. Compared to
most people, it'll be another unmemorable holiday,
And over in Kosovo, a googol of U.S. dollars will keep pouring into an
open wound created with bombs. But, claim the Republicans, we don't
have any money for national health insurance! That would bankrupt our
country like Canada!
Who knows, maybe this mess in the Balkans will end up creating World War
III with a foreign country attacking Amerika. We know what we'll do if
we see enemy planes flying over, enemy troops marching in-- out of deep
gratitude for what this country has done for us-- and is doing TO us--
we're heading Up North. (We want to see firsthand if those bankruptcy
stories are true...)
WE'VE GOT EMAIL!
Last issue we talked about a writer who was contributing a "New Age"
column to the Local Paper. We received this response from
joetomorrow@iname.com:
<My sister is Reiki Master/New Age nut. She has her own Reiki center
with even more NewAgeNuts (NAN). I was helping her do some
drywall/renovation work at her new house and she had a bunch of the
NAN's helping her. One of the more socially-challenged of the bunch
asked where I acquired my drywall tape and mudding skills. I replied
that in a past life I was a carpenter.
Man, this guy got a cerebral erection and started asking questions about
past life regression, etc. I said no, no, no - past life as in another
career. He still didn't get it and continued on like I was his best
buddy in the world. My sister finally said "George, he means about 10
years ago he was a carpenter." and NAN #1 got all quiet. I wasn't his
soul mate buddy after all. hehehehe True story.
And then there's my sister-in-law who is a) my wife's identical twin and
b) a convert to fundaMENTAList Islam (and yes it's been confirmed by her
that I am going to Hell). Of course this may be because she initiated a
conversation in my living room with me about free will. She said there
is no such thing, bla, bla, bla, pre-ordained, bla, bla, bla... So I
said if that's true, that there is no free will, then when 2 year old
kids are raped, tortured, maimed, eaten, murdered, it's because God lets
it happen. If that's true then God is an asshole. She left immediately.
It was great fun. Of course my wife just looked at me and said "Why do
you do that?" I said "Hey, she knew what I was going to say...it's
pre-ordained..." <g> >
Thanks for the letter, Joe. We want to reach out and help you. That's
why we're forwarding your email address to the "Heaven's Gate"
production company that we discussed in this issue's first article.
Also, don't be surprised if you hear from another True Believer, a
blonde called A.L.I.C.E.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
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