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anti-press ezine 2001 12 24
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"We're Positive About The Negative"
A December E-dition
(C) Copyright 2001 Anti-Press All Rights Reserved
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* Vagina Vexes Votemeister *
Vagina.
Va/gi/na.
VAGINA!
Vaaaaa-giiiii-naaaaa.
Say it, syllabify it, shout it, and even stretch it: vagina is just a
word, not an unspeakable obscenity.
But don't tell that to the Mayor of Plattsburgh. In the past groups
have been allowed to hang a city-sponsored banner over one of the main
drags into town to promote special events. There's never been a problem
with any of the messages -- until now, thanks to the dreaded "V" word.
The Mayor has shot down a plans for a banner promoting the play, "The
Vagina Monologues". The play is being co-produced by Plattsburgh
University's theater and Woman's Studies departments. The work is
intended to end the silence that allows the abuse and exploitation of
women.
The Mayor says he supports women's rights -- so he wants to silence the
banner for the play. Apparently he supports anyone's rights up to the
point where it might cost him votes and good standing in his party (the
Republican party, of course). He does leave some wiggle room for the
play's promoters, saying that people can put up banners on private
property.
Obviously he isn't a representative of all of the people -- but what
politician is? This reminds us of a local activist whose antics used to
make the news back in the early 1990s. We'll call him Mr. Act-Up, an
appropriate name considering that he belonged to a group promoting AIDS
awareness and gay rights.
One time Mr. Act-Up was peeved with Ross Perot, the man behind the
Reform Party. Perot had stated that if he was elected president, he
wouldn't hire a homosexual to a major cabinet post. Upset with that
slam against gay rights, Mr. Act-Up went to a county building where
campaign volunteers for the Reform Party were going to hold a meeting.
He planted a bunch of handmade signs around the building, on property
owned by the county, with messages ragging on Perot. The signs were
removed before the meeting. Obviously Mr. Act-Up should've done his
protest via signage on private property.
Another time Mr. Act-Up helped with a condom giveaway. This incident
involved activists dressed up as life-size condoms. We assume this
event took place at night when the bars were busy with college students.
But what if it had took place during the day, right there on main
street? My Gawd, kids could see dem dere rubbers! Jeezum Crow, that's
worse than a sign for "The Vaginer Mono-logs"!
Yup, Mr. Act-Up was quite the activist. He didn't pussyfoot around. He
didn't let the status quo stop him from speaking out on such
"unspeakable" topics as homosexuality, gay rights, and AIDS. So what
ever happened to Mr. Act-Up?
Simple. He's now the Mayor of Plattsburgh.
* Channel One - 1; Students - 0 *
The revolution is dead. Not murdered by the Establishment. The
killer's name: student apathy.
Recently a student at a Plattsburgh Catholic high school was trying to
stir up some controversy in regards to Channel One, a TeeVee "news
service" being carried at his school. "Clifton" (to use his pseudonym)
saw Channel One for the scam it is: a clever way of getting students to
sit through advertising while in school. After all, it's the dream of
every advertiser to have a captive audience.
Clifton was organizing his resistance into cells, groups of three, so
that only one person in each group was aware of a member in another
cell. (Yes, terrorists use cells to carry on their secret plans; so do
"patriots" and "freedom fighters".) With such a structure he hoped more
students would participate since it would be harder for the school
administration at Pope George-Ringo Academy to detect and round up all
the subversives.
Besides postering school walls, Clifton also set up a Web-site to
discuss the Channel One scam. What follows are excerpts from his
manifesto.
- - -
The name channel one news is an oxymoron; the program is anything but an
informative program aimed at discussing current events with students.
The "news" network is owned by the primedia corporation. In exchange for
a satellite which can only receive Channel One's signal, a
television/vcr for every classroom, and X dollars, they are given the
undivided attention of most students in the school.
Ironically enough, we aren't allowed to do homework in homeroom because
it isn't productive and a responsible student does it at home. I guess
that losing 12 minutes of my life every school day when i watch that
news program IS productive.
The sole purpose of our organization is to free all students of our
school from the bondage that is channel one. We will achieve this
objective AT ALL COSTS...
A note to the administration who may be reading this: We do not care if
this is the only way that we can afford video equipment, we do not care
if it helps pay the bills. We will not be sold to Primedia. We are not
your slaves, your property, your whores. This is a Catholic school, and
while I may not agree with or believe in the religion, your use of
channel one is a direct contradiction to Catholicism; you are
hypocrites. There have been times when the commercials aired involved
movies with sexual or drug related jokes; by allowing these commercials
to be shown to us you must support these advertisements. How can you
justify this? You cannot.
- - -
OK, Clifton doesn't score points for proofreading but at least what he
writes is heartfelt. Initially there was some support from his fellow
students but then it died out; the others didn't give a shit anymore.
Maybe they were distracted by school dances, athletic events, the bread
and circuses used by school administrations to divert and control
youthful anger.
Or maybe Channel One used subliminal TeeVee-hypnosis to dissipate the
revolution, making sure that the next generation of adult potatoes will
stay flopped on their couches, half-asleep from their compliant
consumption.
* Politicos Bloviate Spider Goats *
This could've been a kick-ass essay.
But we screwed up. Somewhere in this maelstrom of material, the piles
of information that clutter up the Precision Reality Center, hides a
news article about politicians blowing hot air for the spider goats.
OK, the article was first published in June but we like to think about a
topic before we rip into it.
And there was a lot of ripping to be done from what we remember. But we
can't find that damn story, even though we have two or three hardcopies
of it somewhere in this semi-organized mess. We don't have Web access
at home, only email, and so we can't print out another copy of the story
from the Plattsburgh (news)Paper's site. Normally the city library
would be open today: we could've gone in, sat at a public access
computer, and got another copy of the article. But, hey, it's the
holidays, so guess what place is closed for a couple of days? And guess
who wants to get this e-dition out now?
Irritated but determined, we just spent more than a hour digging through
the heaps, trying to find the source material needed for this essay.
We're pilers, not filers. The curse of being an information pack rat.
We could pass up on something or throw it out and then kick ourselves
later because we realize that we need that bit of info. Trouble is, our
accumulation of bits has reached critical mass: we can't find half of
what we've collected in this fugging dump.
Maybe we can write without that article, relying on our memory. The
story was a humdinger. Trust us, the politicians were really bloviating
about the spider goats, the experiment to produce "bio-steel", a new
material as relatively lightweight as spider silk but as strong as
steel. You see some mad scientists have taken some genetic material
from a spider, slipped it into the goat-breeding process, and hope that
the resultant goats will produce mutated milk that will be the basis of
bio-steel production.
One pol declared the spider goats in Plattsburgh were as historic as the
Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk. He was creating history that hasn't
happened. Somehow he was comparing an actual revolutionary event with a
possible future one. If the bio-steel experiment flops, then history
ain't made, the comparison ain't valid. Then again, who will remember
that pol's words years from now, besides us here at the Precision
Reality Center?
So far all the goats have done is breed and produce more goats. There
has to be a certain number of goats producing milk before bio-steel can
be made. And since the theoretical material hasn't been produced, a
comparison can't be made with the Wright Brothers who did achieve
something: the invention of the first practical airplane.
And if you want to make comparisons, think of how airplanes have changed
the world for good and bad. Flight has shrunken the world, making it
easier to travel to other lands -- and drop bombs. How will bio-steel
revolutionize weaponry?
And maybe there will be unforeseen side-effects from spider goat
experimentation. If you want to talk about historical events, why not
the Black Death, the plague that ravaged Europe and Asia in the 14th
century? Playing around with DNA -- who knows what might be created?
Nature on its own creates enough nasty surprises with bacteria and
viruses.
It's all a genetic crap shoot. Instead of bio-steel, maybe the only
thing that will come out of this is a plot for a Godzilla movie. Throw
in some bovine growth hormone with spider genes and radiation and look
out! -- it's the gigantic destroyer, Spigo -- part spider, part goat,
all monster!
Actually, since goats are known to eat almost anything, we hope one of
those mutated babies escapes and ends up here at the Precision Reality
Center. It can chew down on all this crap we've accumulated, consume it
all, choke to death on it, and then we can start fresh with an empty
slate.
But since we're pragmatic, we'll do more than hope for that long shot.
We're going to buy some garbage bags.
* Wearing A Turban? Turn Around! *
Think twice before you visit Plattsburgh, especially if your attire in
any way is suggestive of what the locals perceive as terrorist togs.
October 30, 2001. A day that will live in insanity. Two men from
Montreal park their tractor-trailer on Main Street. The truck has New
Jersey license plates; "U.S. Mail" is marked on its sides. The
travelers are lost and ask for directions. OK, lots of people get lost
in downtown Plattsburgh, thanks to its insufferable surfeit of one-way
streets. But these men looked like they hail from the Mid-East. A b/w
(news)Paper photo shows one of them wearing a long beard. Atop his head
is a turban, described in the news article as blue in color.
Beard. Turban. A local resident gets nervous. He calls the police
when the men leave the truck unattended.
The city cops respond. So do the Drug Task Force, the U.S. Border
Patrol, and U.S. Postal Service. Can you say "en masse response", boys
and girls? Too bad the FBI, CIA, and U.N.C.L.E. weren't available to
join in.
The truck is taken out to the old Air Force Base where it is cautiously
opened and inspected on the flight line. Of course, such a precaution
would've been useless if an atomic device was on board. The police
thoroughly inspect the truck and are surprised to find... (hold your
breath) ... mail, just mail, that was on its way to New York City until
Plattsburgh rolled out its red carpet.
Yup, comedy ensues when you combine provincialism with paranoia. This
area is as white as a loaf of Wonder Bread (and sometimes demonstrates
as much intelligence). But now and then people who look different do
visit. One time I saw a quiet, unassuming woman wearing a sari,
apparently a visitor from India. Her forehead was adorned with a red
spot, a mark symbolizing her Hindu faith.
It's a good thing she hasn't visited here after 9/11. One look at her
non-denim clothing, her red-spotted forehead, and a local yokel would've
started a terrorist-smallpox scare.
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WHERE WE'RE AT: Anti-Press Ezine radiates from our Precision Reality
Center. We're presently entrapped in the alleged city of Plattsburgh,
northeastern New York State (NENYland), USA. (For your own good: STAY
THE FUG AWAY! Or hide your turban under a ten-gallon cowboy hat,
pardner.)
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