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anti-press ezine 2004 07 30
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< ANTI-PRESS EZINE #47 >
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"We're Positive About The Negative"
This E-dition filed 7/30/04 from NENYland, the northeastern corner of New
York State (i.e. the hinterlands). Our Precision Reality Center, located in
Plattsburgh The Prosaic, now features Bull Tracker 9000. More details at
the end of this e-dition.
(C) Copyright 2004 Anti-Press
* Downtown Plattsburgh To Become Fat City *
The mayor has a plan. He's sucking up to a major retail chain, campaigning
for the establishment of a local store, an act that will lead in the
economic revitalization of downtown. And what, pray tell, is this fabulous
operation?
A Krispy Kreme doughnut shop. You've heard of Krispy Kreme, haven't you?
Only 1.25 google calories per serving.
As part of the announcement, U.S. Senator Charles Schumer visited Pee-burgh
and gave the mayor a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. But the mayor didn't
eat any.
He's on a diet.
Well, at least one person is concerned about his health. As for his
constituents -- well, they'll grow in size after Krispy Kreme hits town.
Increased health care costs? Hey, just part of an expanding economy...
* THE CITY THAT DON'T WERK: Skaters, Hedgers, and Bluffers *
NEWS FLASH: Skateboarders are damaging property in downtown Plattsburgh.
They're denting cars, scraping off the edges of concrete foundations.
They're intimidating senior citizens and acting recklessly, endangering
themselves and others.
This is "news" according to the (news)Paper.
It's nothing new to us. There's a barbershop on the corner where the
skateboarders congregate, an intersection of somewhat narrow one-way
streets. Talk to the barbershop's owner. She's been complaining to the
police and city hall for years about the problem.
Just sit down inside her barbershop and watch the show outside the picture
window. Sometimes a skater will shoot out from the side street, ignoring
the stop sign, assuming that no cars are coming. The building that houses
the barbershop sits close to the intersection, creating a blind spot. Oh,
well, the skateboarder believes that the driver of any vehicle on the
intersecting street will yield in time. After all, skateboarders own the
road.
Instead of calling itself the Lake City, Plattsburgh should rename itself
the Skate City. (A scruffy skateboard would make the perfect icon.)
Ideally, the Powers-That-Be would like to just skate along on their hollow
promises and empty gestures. Apparently, inaction is preferred over action,
even when there's laws and regulations already on the books to take care of
a problem. Enforcement = action. Can't do that. Ignore the problems,
sluff off the complaints -- they'll all go away after a while.
For example, take hedges blocking the sidewalks. Homeowners weren't
trimming back the shrubbery bordering their plots as they should. The Mayor,
the great Burghomeister, spoke out. Hedges had to be cut back; sidewalks
had to be passable. And homeowners did comply -- but not all of them.
A hedge growing wild in width obstructs one of the main sidewalks leading
uptown. Three weeks ago we called the person in charge of Hedge Enforcement;
he said that he knew the homeowner and that he would contact the person.
Time passed. The hedge grew fatter, obstructing more of the sidewalk.
Yup -- the Burghomeister is a man not only of words, but also of ensuing
action. He makes sure that each city department follows his lead.
A week ago we called the Hedge Enforcement officer. A man answered the
phone; it sounded like the same person we spoke to before. We told him
about the problem. He paused, as if searching through a pile of paperwork
on his desk. Well, he said, he just got the complaint. Really. Two weeks
for a complaint to hit his desk. Hate to see would happen if there was an
emergency; maybe the alarm would make it to his desk in 48 hours. Hope this
guy isn't promoted to the Terrorism Response Unit.
We asked the Hedge Enforcement Officer how long would it take to have the
problem fixed. He confided to us that The City That Don't Werk didn't have
any way of making homeowners properly trim their hedges. What his office
was doing was "bluffing."
We wondered. Was this a matter of municipal code enforcement or a game of
strip poker?
Every winter the pols talk about how homeowners have to shovel all sidewalks
adjacent to their properties, even though the city controls their use.
Sidewalks remain unshoveled; pedestrians take their chances and walk in the
street.
So The-Powers-That-Be meet and bloviate on how to take care of the problem.
Codes and laws are proposed; points of enforcement are debated; citizens
complain, both property owners and pedestrians; sidewalks remain obstructed;
and finally, spring comes and the snow melts away. So much for that issue
until winter returns. Until then, They just keep hedging, saying that
They're aware of the situation, it's being looked at, skating along through
the summer with other seasonal problems to be evaded or ignored.
A government is only as inert as its citizenry. Burghers need to organize,
speak out, petition. And when those usual channels don't work, try
something else. Gee, would the threat of legal action shake up city hall,
making the Lawmakers and the Law-enforcers perform their respective
duties?ÊÊ
It's long overdue: call Their bluff.
* Speaking Of Skateboarders...*
After reading the preceding article, one might think that we hate
skateboarders en masse.
Aw contrary. We just don't like idiots; it doesn't matter if they travel by
car, bike, or skateboard. If you act with common sense, we don't care if
you get around town on a pogo stick.
But damaging property is asking for trouble. It's ironical that some of
these irresponsible skateboarders will grow up and become property-owning
adults. The future is usually a repeat of the past. One of these
scratching/denting/marring skateboarders of today will reach middle age and
he'll be bitching about the idiot jet boarders flying over his lawn, melting
the syntho-grass, scaring his genetically-modified six-legged dog.
We asked a former skateboarder -- now at college student -- what he thought
about the situation. The Dude used to skate in the contentious downtown
spot. He said that no one wanted to use the skateboard park because you had
to wear a helmet.
Well, Dude, guess what. There's a bunch of scammers out there; some of them
call themselves insurance companies. We all have to tolerate these licensed
crooks. If you skate on city property, you gotta go along with the city's
rules or it gets sucked into all sorts of liability issues.
Liability. Now there's a point. The city knows that there are a few
reckless skateboarders on the loose. That means it has been notified about
the problem. So if a skateboarder gets hurt on the street... After all,
there are laws on the books. So the city should either enforce them,
preventing a disaster, or just delete them and save some paper the next time
it prints up the municipal rulebook. With no laws, the kids can rule the
streets. As someone has observed, thirteen-year-olds run Plattsburgh. We
agree, but not in regards to skateboarders.Ê
We asked the Dude about skateboarders who ran the stop sign, flying out of a
blind spot. Wasn't that taking a big risk? No, he said. He stated cars
_never_ speed on the intersecting street; ergo, any car would stop in time.
One again, let's repeat our main point: we have nothing against
skateboarders, only idiots.
* Paranoid? Raise Your Hand! *
By Stan Spire
It was like a scene out of an old movie set during World War II. The
Gestapo board the train and say: "Papers. Do you haf your papers?"
But this was July, 2004, America. Post 9/11, of course.
"Raise your hand if you got on this bus in Plattsburgh."
I sat there, eating my sandwich, and raised my free hand halfway up.
Everyone else had their hands higher, some almost touching the ceiling. The
uniformed official -- I didn't bother to see if he was with Border Patrol or
Immigration -- did a quick count. Thinking that he was done, people started
to put their arms down.
"Please keep your hands up."
Christ, were we adults on a bus headed north for Albany or rugrats in
kindergarten? I was on my way to visit a friend in the Syracuse area and I
had to make a connection in Albany. The bus was already an hour behind
schedule. It originated in Montreal and was obviously held up at the border
where it was probably x-rayed, CAT-scanned, and run through a MRI for good
measure. Then trained dogs probably sniffed every square inch of the bus
while the body cavities of each passenger were manually search.
OK, I was exaggerating to myself. But it was annoying. Anything worse than
riding on a bus is waiting for one to show up. After leaving Plattsburgh
late, this roadblock on the thru-way was adding to the delay, meaning I
would be stuck in a seedy section of Albany, counting the minutes until the
next bus to Syracuse.
Another uniformed official came on the bus. I noticed that the pair of them
appeared young to me, almost like "kids." Clean-shaven, thin, not one gray
hair. Each one looked over the hand-raisers. The first official walked
down the aisle towards me. I was eating a sandwich. I had skipped breakfast
to arrive somewhat early at the bus station; didn't want to miss my ride,
you know. The official looked me in the eye. I kept gnawing at my breakfast.
He asked: "Did you get on in Plattsburgh?" "Yup," I replied between chews.
He didn't ask for my papers; he just moved along to another potential
suspect.
After the questioning, we were allowed to drop our hands. The officials,
their duty completed, departed. The bus left the rest area, now later than
ever.
Two aspects of this incident had impressed me. It was amazing how compliant
the other passengers were. No, I didn't expect anyone to hassle the
officials; they were doing a job. But the way some of the passengers kept
their arms way up in the air -- they acted like suspects, a gun aimed at
them, afraid that one false move would get them blown away.
The power of the uniform and a badge. Power that terrorists have probably
noted and one day might use. Need some willing dupes -- dress up like a
cop.
The second aspect was the purpose of the road check. Was it really needed?
After all, the next time you ride a bus, notice that after every stop the
bus driver does a head count. If there's anything suspicious, he's the
first to know. He can easily contact the authorities via his cell phone.
But there had to be a valid reason for holding up the bus for a second
inspection. Maybe those uniformed "kids" needed some more practice.
Anyway, our borders are secure because dedicated officials are pulling
busses over and asking passengers where they got on. That'll keep the
terrorists out.
Just raise your hand if you agree with me.
* Mr. Pundick Reviews The News *
ITEM: A woman was sentenced for murdering her newborn. She entombed the
tiny body in concrete. But her scheme didn't work. The police had a solid
lead and were able to crack the case. Couldn't this mother find a better
way to cement a relationship with her offspring?
ITEM: A man was killed when his riding mower overturned. We could go into
further details about how he died, but we're short of space and it's a lawn
story.
ITEM: For years the media have been referring to Plattsburgh's mayor as
"openly gay." Then we found out what that really meant. Gee, after all
this time, we thought the mayor was just visibly happy.
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