Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
anti-press ezine 2004 10 24
<=============================>
< >
< ANTI-PRESS EZINE #48 >
< >
<=============================>
"We're Positive About The Negative"
This E-dition filed 10/24/04 from NENYland, the northeastern corner of
New York State (i.e. the hinterlands). Our Precision Reality Center,
located in Plattsburgh -- The Fake City, now features Bull Tracker 9000.
More details at the end of this e-dition.
(C) Copyright 2004 Anti-Press
NENYLAND ROUND-UP
--News Items From 'Round the Region--
The Kubbyhole Kafe is no more. It moved to a bigger location and now is
known as the Kollassal Kafe -- or the Kafe for short. The usual
suspects hang around the place. The other day one of the regulars
dropped off some homemade peanut butter cookies. Later it was learned
by APE that the ingredients had been mixed together with a dildo. This
event gives new meaning to the phrase, "batter up."
- - -
Watch out for that checkpoint choking the interstate south of
Plattsburgh. As part of the War on Terrorism, the U.S. Border patrol,
in tandem with NY State Police, have been operating a roadblock to catch
any Al Qaeda operatives. Back in February a Canadian tour bus smashed
into the roadblock, unable to stop in time. 50 people were injured,
four seriously. As part of spin control, law enforcement officials
participated in a talking heads program on the local Public BS TeeVee
station, saying that the checkpoint was safe. Then, on Sept. 19th, a
Canadian trucker crashed his tractor-trailer into the checkpoint. Four
people were killed, their bodies burned beyond recognition by exploding
gas tanks.
Since then local drivers -- worried about being maimed or killed at the
interstate checkpoint -- have been taking an alternate route, bypassing
it. Of course, terrorists don't know about the alternate route, even
though that info was published in the Plattsburgh (news)Paper.
- - -
A local office for Homeland Security recently opened here. The other
day there was a black helicopter with gold markings flying around. A
couple of prisoners had escaped from a jail in the sticks and so HoSec
decided to pitch in, looking for the duo on the lam. Gee, with all
those terrorists trying to sneak across the Canadian border with weapons
of mass destruction, it's surprising HoSec had time to look for a couple
of garden variety cons.
- - -
Checkpoints. Black helicopters. Every era has to have its boogeyman.
Years ago it was racketeers, gangsters, corrupting the moral fabric of
this country, types as portrayed by James Cagney in movies like "Public
Enemy." Back then you could pick up an issue of "Life" magazine and see
how the War on Racketeering was being won, the police chief of
Burlington, VT showing off a submachine gun provided by the government.
In the stark black&white photo the chief stands there, the heavy gun
aimed as if he's ready for all the gangsters in his town. This was in
the days when cows outnumbered people in Vermont. How many racketeers
were taken out by that Tommie gun? Or was it ever fired?
Then came the Cold War, commies lurking under your bed. The Plattsburgh
Air Force Base was going strong, its jets sonic-booming NENYland,
disturbing wildlife, scaring the hell out of citizens who thought the
Ruskies were attacking. Sometimes the boys with their toys would screw
up or have a problem, their jets crashing. The Air Force bought someone
a new home when one of their toys didn't properly return to terra firma.
Another time a jet made an emergency landing before it could reach
PAFB. The AF sent out a crew to tow it back to the base. Due to the
fighter jet's width, they had to block off all traffic from the back
roads they took home. Along the way they had to cut down traffic signs
to let the wings pass over. But they did weld the signs back into
place. After all, an intersection needs its stop sign. Most of the
problems were with the FB-111 fighter jet, a machine so fubar that the
humor magazine "National Lampoon" made a joke about it crashing all the
time.
But the base is closed. Now all we have is a black helicopter snooping
over our shoulders. Things are better. We're a lot safer without the
young yahoos hot-dogging over our rooftops.
On second thought, there is a also a private company on the
decommissioned base that tests aircraft, flying them over the shopping
malls.
The key word is "test"...
- - -
The Fake City is cracking down on the county's compost plant. We're
surprised that the compost plant is still in operation. A while back
the damn thing was catching on fire. We thought it had burned down by
now. Anyway, the problematic plant is making people sick from its
unintended stink bombing of the neighborhood. The city says it won't
allow this situation to stand; the operation has to freshen-up its act.
In a related story, the city still plans to build a hotel and conference
complex near its sewage treatment plant that on some days adds a
delightful bouquet to the area.
- - -
The waterfront. That's the key to revitalizing the city. Burghomeister
Visibly Happy is going to clean up the ugly railroad yard down by the
lake. Then he's going to put a barrier around the sewage treatment
plant to make the area look even prettier for the hotel complex. Of
course, on an off day for the plant when miasma hangs heavy in the air,
the visually-appropriate barrier will probably contain enough of the
feculent bouquet to gas all the employees behind its walls.
Are we cynical? Do we think the proposed hotel complex might become
another money-sucker for the taxpayers like that infamous white elephant
squatting at the municipal beach, the civic center? Well, last summer
the city made arrangements for a Vermont tour boat company to come over
here and set up shop. The project failed; not enough people wanted to
pay for the service. The Vermont company went to the bother of renaming
one of its boats. And what was the name of the boat that struck the
financial iceberg of the Fake City and quickly sank beneath its cold red
ink waters? The Spirit of Plattsburgh, of course.
- - -
Attention! All you granola bars and other health food nuts. A truck
driver was killed in a NENYland town while trying to unload his
delivery. When the dump truck's box was raised, its contents suddenly
shifted. The gate flew open and tons of material rushed out, crushing
the driver. And what was the cargo of death? Roasted soy.
Soy kills.
- - -
The National Weather Service is still using its computer voice to
deliver the latest forecasts. (That's the radio service you can access
on a police scanner by hitting WX or by tuning in with a dedicated
weather radio. It provides elemental info 24/7.) In the past a human
being would record a message and it would be repeated until a new
recording was made for an update. The new, allegedly-improved system
has a forecaster type in the message via keyboard and a computer reads
it with its ersatz human voice. The trouble is computers are dumb:
garbage in, garbage out. When the human isn't careful with his typing,
the computer blindly reads what is being inputted.
Misspell "counties" as "counites" and robo-voice will say "cow nights."
Leave a stray punctuation mark in the copy and the computer will say
something like "ka-ching!" The other day the lazy human forecaster
didn't spell out "September Second." Ergo, the computer was reading
"September 2nd" as "September Two North Dakota."
Your tax dollars at waste. We can imagine what will happen if a similar
set-up is used for the Star Wars defense system. Some military guy,
half-asleep at the switch inside an underground base in North Dakota,
types in "Nov 2nd" and suddenly an orbiting satellite fires a couple of
laser beams at Nova Scotia. Yup, the Canucks would like that, eh?
- - -
Some debatin' goin' on down at the Kafe the other night. Burghomeister
Happy faced off against his political challenger, Mr. Shotglass. It was
like two giant cannibals fighting over an anorexic crack whore.
The news media showed up for the event -- except the Peeburgh TeeVee
station, Channel First. The Vermont TeeVee station was there and aired
the story the same night at 11 PM. But our own hometown station --
forget it. Lately it has been going all the way to New Hampshire to get
stories, trying to expand its market so that it can get a monopoly on
all advertising in the region. Apparently on the night of the mayoral
race debate, Channel First had more important news to cover, like a
trashcan fire in Keene. Someone should send the station manager a
special batch of peanut butter cookies.
- - -
A message to our fellow Americans --
Remember: November 2nd. Don't vote. Especially the big race.
Brainless and Heartless are probably going to steal the election again.
Let's face it -- the only vote that counts is a big bag of money in
unmarked bills.
=============================================================
NOTICE: Unless indicated otherwise, all articles by Anti-Press.
Articles submitted by others do not necessarily express or reflect the
opinions or beliefs of Anti-Press.
WHERE WE'RE AT: Anti-Press Ezine radiates from our Precision Reality
Center. We're presently entrapped in the alleged city of Plattsburgh,
northeastern New York State (NENYland), USA. ("Hey -- what's this short
curly hair doing in my peanut butter cookie?")
EMAIL: Antipress1@aol.com
NEW POLICY: WE DO NOT ACCEPT ANY UNSOLICITED ARTICLES. We will accept a
letter of comment (LOC) on any topic raised in our ezine. **Maximum
Length: 300 words.** Plain text format. If you don't want your email
printed, please tell us. To avoid being deleted as spam: Put LOC in the
subject heading.
E-DITIONS ONLINE: Anti-Press Ezine and its sporadically published issues
are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Copyright 1998-2003 Anti-Press
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe APE
TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe APE
