Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
Viewer Discretion vol. 1 issue 12 january 5:98
__ __
\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 12 vol. 1 january 5/98
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
__ __________________ _ __________________ _ _________________ __
__ ________________ _ __________________ _ ___________________ __
__ ______________ _ __________________ _ _____________________ __
In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
HORROR - BY MORBUS
NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY
TRIVIA$HITE
BOOKSHITE
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the first issue of last year of your life. See, between Y2K
and the apocalypse we're all gonna die this year. Either the world's
going to blow up real good or foul up even better, and we'll have mass
chaos, baby eating, father raping, Alice's Restaurant (you probably
have to be over 30 to understand that reference) religious nuclear type
carnage in our hamlets and villages, towns and cities, suburbs and yes,
even in, *especially* in our malls. So go on out and get yer kicks
before the whole shithouse goes up in flames.
And with that decidedly upbeat intro I will now step aside and let the
rest of this issue vomit itself into your retinas. Don't get any on ya.
Oh yeah, two more things. 1)Anti-Press #4 is now available. Well worth
the read. Go get it before they get you. Subscribe to it at
Antipress1@aol.com or check it out online at
http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/anti-press.htm and 2)Thanks to
those of you who took the time out to write and send in some great
interpretations/dissections of my weird assed dream I wrote about.
'nuff said.
:: QUOTABLE ::
"And they worshipped the dragon which gave power unto the beast: and
they worshipped the beast, saying, Who is like unto the beast? who is
able to make war with him?"
-Revelation XIII .4
"is it being a malcontent to reveal a government report that totally
contradicts what the government is saying, or is that being a hero?"
-Peter De Jager Y2K Expert
:: HORROR - BY MORBUS ::
Corridors of Blood by Morbus
Lemme tell ya something. Say you're peacefully answering your email
when all of a sudden, you get an email from some cocky editor saying
he needs a review by 10:00, which is only an hour away. And hey, your
girlfriend is coming home and you want to be with her.
So what do you do?
You review CORRIDORS OF BLOOD, a movie which will send any readers that
this editor has, to the "Unsubscribe" button. Any editor who publishes
a review of this movie has to be fucking desperate. And anyone who has
to see CORRIDORS OF BLOOD is either a) _really_ freakin' desperate,
b) has to get back at an annoying editor, c) wants to die or d) didn't
have enough money to pick up sleeping pills.
Nope, not even Boris Karloff's money making name can bring this movie
any sort of happiness. Oh sure, this movie may have HAD a good idea: a
man's dream to separate the "knife from the pain". Yes, it's years
before anaesthesia was invented, and sadness sweeps our hero as he sees
pain spread across his patients face.
And sure, the movie follows the doctor as he turns desperate... and
begins signing fake death certificates. Why? Because he has this
horrible deal with a shady taverne owner to steal the chemicals in
exchange for dead bodies (which are sold off to the very hospital that
the doctor has been suspended from for his "crazy experiments"). And
not only is this doctor trying to remove pain from the knife, but he's
also using it as a great excuse to cover his own addiction (oh yeah,
he's testing it on himself too). But goddamn, this movie is slow,
boring, and welp, just about everything you would not want to see
unless you have a large amount of patience.
And it's only 87 minutes long. Damn. A loooonnng 87 minutes.
:: NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES ::
Rough day at no frills
My wounds are still hurting from today. It was a rough day at work,
especially considering we were selling 24 rolls of toilet paper for
$1.99, and the store was packed. Even worse, there were just two
grocery clerks in total, one of them being me, and the other being Rob.
The store was crowded to the point that moving around in front of the
cash meant getting stuck between too many customers, and for sure
someone would've stopped us to ask some dumb question (i.e. "Do you
work here?")
I found myself helping this blind customer, when suddenly I heard a
scream at the front of the store. Rob and myself dashed to where the
sound was coming from and we saw a commando from the IGA supermarket
that had taken control of the cash section. One of the enemy clerks was
holding a gun against the head of a cashier on cash 6, standing there
crying while the IGA clerk was yelling his demands. The customers were
all frozen in fear, and being moved to the side by another two members
of the IGA militia.
With our red no frills shirt we stood out in the crowd, and two of the
IGA clerks began firing their weapons at us. Rob and I managed a daring
escape in the produce backroom using customers as shields. Covered in
blood, we managed to resist by throwing rotten tomatoes at the invading
forces. We were outnumbered! 2 clerks versus the 5 that had taken
control of the store.
"What are we going to do Rob?" I asked, in panic.
"Quick," he yelled, "set your case-cutters from stun, to kill!"
We pulled out our knifes and extended the blade to their maximum length.
"They might overload!" I pointed out.
"Yes," answered calmly Rob, "but we can't let them take over the store
and put prices higher!" He had a point there.
"But there are five of them! We are outnumbered!" I cried.
"What's wrong with you, clerk?" Rob screamed, "did you think that
joining the no frillian academy was a piece of cake?"
I was about to reply when a voice boomed on the store's PA.: "no frills
clerks! Surrender now and you will not be harmed! You are outnumbered
and we control most of the store!"
"Never!" screamed back Rob over the PA, then he looked at me, "Today
Leo, it's a Goudas day to die."
We quickly grabbed a few of the remaining tomatoes, the produce knife
and with our case-cutters in hand we dashed outside.
The first two IGA clerks were not expecting us to come out from the
produce and attack them. With a swift throw, we neutralised them with
the bacteriological life forms that were growing on the tomatoes'
surface. I never thought I'd use one of no frill's secret weapons, and
for a minute I was amazed at their destructive power as the IGA clerks'
heads exploded. The other two IGA clerks seeing us began firing. We
crawled beside the shelving, feeling the dried peas and beans hitting
the cans of Goudas products all around us.
"Let's split!" ordered Rob, "You go through the creamery support room,
while I'll cut by the bread section. They will not expect something
like this."
"You can count on me!" I yelled, and dashed for the creamery.
Unfortunately, the IGA clerks had the same idea, and without me
realizing it, I was attacked from behind by one of them. I fired my
case-cutter at him, but unfortunately my blade was dull and caused
minimal damage. Lucky for me he was out of dried beans, and as he
tossed his pea-gun aside, he jumped me, pounding his fist against my
head.
I was nailed on the floor trying to get his hands off my neck. "That's
it" I thought "this is the end" when my hand felt a tub of sour cream.
I opened it and with all the force I had left, I pushed it against the
IGA clerk's face. He quickly let go of my neck and he started holding
his face screaming, but it was too late. The sour cream had expired in
'96, thus increasing it's devastating effect. The clerk kept on
screaming until his jaw fell off. After that he fell to the ground,
dead, the sour cream having burnt his brain.
In pain, but still determined to free the store from the enemy, I
grabbed an half eaten apple that had been sitting on top of the shelf
for quite sometime. It was soft and mouldy. The perfect weapon! I
dashed to the front, avoiding the bodies of the fallen customers, when
I saw the last IGA clerk still holding the gun at cashier number 6 and
telling us to surrender or she would've been beaned. Rob seeing me
smiled and yelled back from behind a counter "your clerks are all dead!
Surrender now or you will die an horrible death in the meat room!"
"Never!" yelled the IGA clerk. Rob stood up and with an elegant movement
of his arm, launched the produce knife. The IGA clerk's eyes widened in
surprised when the knife sank deeply in the cashier. He watched her
silently drop to the floor. Oh well, cashier number six had never been
good anyway.
With a banzai scream, I launched my rotten apple, which disintegrated
itself against his head. He looked at me in surprise before the fumes
knocked him out. We grabbed him, and tied him in the meat backroom for
our interrogation purposes.
Once again we had saved the store from the cheap attempts of our
adversaries to take over our sector. Captured by an incredible
happiness Rob and I began dancing on top of the Pasta aisle, singing
the no frill's anthem of victory.
:: TRIVIA$HITE ::
I found this in a local Toronto computer rag. They probably copped it
from somewhere else so I'm copping it from them. Below are the
estimated costs of several key events in our sad history.
EVENT EST. COST (in US$ billions)
World War II $4,200
Millennium Bug $600
Vietnam $500
Kobe Earthquake $100
Los Angeles Earthquake $60
So that means someone is making $600 billion in US funds from solving
Y2K problems...grab your piece of the pie before it's gone. Actually,
on a side note, I heard on the radio that some UK companies are
offering their programmers 1 year's salary to baby-sit their networks
on the night of the big change over. 1 YEAR'S SALARY!! Madness I tell
ya.... Hmmm, I'm from British heritage....I can get a work permit in
the UK...
:: BOOKSHITE ::
Clive Barker's A to Z Of Horror (with Stephen Jones). This book is a
horror lover's must have. Broken into 26 chapters (a thru z) it deals
with a different aspect of the genre in each chapter. Full of great
bits of information, movie reviews, commentary, movies listings,
behind the scenes info and of course, pictures, lot's of pictures. Put
together and written in a manner that obviously shows how Mr.'s Barker
and Jones love the genre. An added bonus to the book is that there are
lot's of Clive's sketches throughout it.
:: ETC ::
You can catch VD in many various way but you can only get this dose
delivered to your mailbox by sending an empty email to:
v_d-subscribe@makelist.com
Conversely, if you've had your dose and don't want no more, send an
empty email to v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com
Pretty simple huh?
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to
v_d@iname.com or get your own damn zine.
Viewer Discretion is archived exclusively at Low Bandwidth -
http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/viewer_discretion.htm
because Morbus can make his head explode at will...but he can only do
it once. C'mon, explode for us Morbus, explode...
Goatboy appears courtesy of capnasty.org
Hairy Fishnuts for Pear Pimples <- anyone (besides Angie) know where
that comes from?
This issue is Y2K compliant. Burp.
Next issue January 19/99
__ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __
__ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __
__ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __
Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"...
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe ViewerDiscretion
TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion
...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
__ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __
__ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __
__ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __
