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Viewer Discretion vol. 2 issue 1 Aug. 3:99
__ __
\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 1 vol. 2 Aug. 3/99
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
__ __________________ _ __________________ _ _________________ __
__ ________________ _ __________________ _ ___________________ __
__ ______________ _ __________________ _ _____________________ __
T h e r e a r e 1 5 0 d a y s r e m a i n i n g . . .
In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
MORE QUOTABLES - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW S. MILLER
THRU THE FILM GATE - BY ANTI-PRESS
STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES - SUBMITTED BY ANTI-PRESS
RIPPING OFF CHICO
ANAGRAMSHITE
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "Sasha turns 3 today" issue. Really. My youngest boy is
now 3...but he has the attitude of 16 year old <g>. Overdosed on really
sweet cake, pop and pizza at a little get together for him on the
weekend. The food contained all Morbus' basic food groups.
This issue also marks, you may have noticed, a return to issue #1 but
the Vol. # has changed to 2. That means I've been vomiting this shite
out to you for a year now - it only seems longer. Thanks to all who
have contributed and read all year long. I'd list people by name to
thank but I'd inevitably forget someone and have them bitching
endlessly so a blanket thank-you will have to do.
I found those comments by Paull I mentioned last issue. They were
regarding a discussion he & I had about a possible piece for another
publication (TAF) about the racism & shit in the latest Star Wars
(note the original proposal took place before Paul had seen the movie)
After seeing the movie he had the following to say:
"I don't see why I would devote any attention to a crypto-supremacist
shit-head like Lucas. He can kiss my ass with his subliminal hate
messages. That is all I finally feel like saying about the galactic
jack-ass."
In other news...when I asked Andrew Miller if he would mind if I
included some of his Quotes from his bi-weekly list (contact
amiller@teleport.com if interested in subscribing) in a VD column, he
had this to say:
"Hell no, feel free. After all, they're not MY quotes, eh? Actually,
I'm surprised that some literary form of ASCAP doesn't try to crack down
on people using quotes... "Dude. I need my fix. Hit me up with a
quote! Some Twain or Wilde piece." Or for the rich, they dabble in
quotework for the sheer appearance of knowledge it sheds. Well hum!
You know what Sir Winston Churchill said about that! and they
dispense with the knowledge as do so many asses at an ex-lax convention.
But all they while, you ask them "Do you understand the
meaning of what you just said," and in their eyes you see only a
VACANT : FOR SALE" sign. Ye gods.
Forgive me. I've been hanging around dunderheads lately."
Uh, I still haven't come up with a reply to that one...but thanks for
the quotes. He even includes a quote by one Joe Tomorrow (a close
personal friend). Big deal I know but I had to say something.
And in still other important news, everyone should send nice get well
soon emails to Morbus (morbus@disobey.com). Seems he did a Jimmy Hoffa
out of a moving vehicle and ended up as a walking, talking piece of
road rash. Really. Ask him. Hopefully if enough people plead with him
he'll post pictures of his gaping head wound. Yeah! Get Well Soon,
Little Buddy....<g>
And in still even other important news... Jennifer Tilly (Bound) has
joined Burt Reynolds, Richard Dreyfuss, Carrie-Anne Moss (The Matrix),
Jeremy Piven (Cupid), and Dan Hedaya (Dick) in the mob comedy THE CREW.
She'll also soon begin work on the horror sequel SEED OF CHUCKY. Why am
I telling you this? Well, 'cause A)I really like Jennifer Tilly and
B)if I can scoup Morbus' DNN feature on a horror movie announcement
then I know it's going to be a good day... That Jennifer Tilly
announcement was stolen, without permission, from Zentertainment, who
can be found at: http://www.ZENtertainment.com
Anyways, on with Vol. 2 - let's forge ahead into the Brave New Wor -
fuck it. Enjoy it or don't, here it is.
:: QUOTABLE ::
"The Hungarian dubbing on the first films was really bad. Darth Vader
had a woman's voice."
-The Toronto Star - Sat. July 24th
:: MORE QUOTABLES - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW S. MILLER ::
*** Freedom ***
"My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be
unpopular."
-Adlai Stevenson
"The most certain test by which we judge whether a country is free is
the amount of security enjoyed by minorities."
-Lord Acton, 1877
"The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government
to gain ground."
-Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) (Men fight for freedom; then
they begin to accumulate laws
to take it away from themselves.)
"We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it a home."
-Edward R. Murrow
"Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it."
-George Bernard Shaw
"Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never
voted for President. One hopes it is the same half."
-Gore Vidal
*** Potpourri ***
Mr. Burns: "A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plants has given me
a healthy green glow and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing
commissioner."
>From "The Simpsons" (1989)
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time." So I ordered
French toast during the Renaissance.
-Steven Wright
"Next week they're going to auction off an original boarding pass to
the Titanic. I've got one of those, it's my contract with CBS."
-David Letterman
"My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping."
-Rita Rudner
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants."
-A. Whitney Brown
"Psychoanalysis makes quite simple people feel they're complex."
-S. N. Behrman
"As you grow older you do one of two things; grow up or fuck up."
-Joe Tomorrow
* * * * *
>From "The Simpsons"
Marge finds Bart getting a tattoo and yanks him out of the shop. Bart's
incomplete tattoo reads, ``Moth.'' The doctor says that he can remove
the tattoo with lasers, but he insists on a cash payment up front.
Marge notes, ``Thank God for Homer's Christmas bonus.'' The laser does
its work.
At home, Bart's arm is bandaged.
Lisa: [touches Bart's injured arm]
Bart: Ow! Quit it.
Lisa: [touches Bart's injured arm]
Bart: Ow! Quit it.
Lisa: [touches Bart's injured arm]
Bart: Ow! Quit it.
Maggie: [touches Bart's injured arm]
Bart: Ow! Quit it.
Homer: [comes in] Hey, what's with this? [touches Bart's injured arm]
Bart: Ow! Quit it.
-`Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
* * * Bad People * * *
"Mankind is composed of two sorts of men -- those who love and create,
and those who hate and destroy."
-Jose Marti, "Letter to a Cuban farmer," 1893
"The real danger of the Internet is seduction of the arrogantly
ignorant."
-Andrew Vachss, Jan 1997
In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems
unfair that He did not also limit his stupidity.
-Konrad Adenauer
*** Misteaks ***
"The fellow who never makes a mistake takes his orders from one who
does."
-Herbert V. Prochnow
"Wise men learn by other men's mistakes, fools by their own."
-H. G. Bohm
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on
the mistakes we may or may not have made."
-Dan Quayle
AND Actual Mistake Quotes:::
"We need laws that protect everyone. Men and women, straights and gays,
regardless of sexual perversion...ah, persuasion."
-Bella Abzug, New York politician
(address a rally for the Equal Rights Amendment)
"For seven and half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've
had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex...uh...setbacks."
-President George Bush (stated when Vice President)
"[I ask you to] work together with me for a better life for oil... I
mean all."
-Senator Henry Jackson, campaigning in 1976
"The United Sates has much to offer the third world war."
-President Ronald Reagan
(state in a speech on what the US has to offer the Third World. He
repeated this error nine times in the same speech.)
"My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia
forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
-President Ronald Reagan
(famous mic check just before he was going to make a radio broadcast.)
* * * Yeah, that's just great. . . * * *
"During the bad times, I learned who was loyal and who wasn't. I
believe in an eye for an eye. A couple of people who betrayed me need
my help now, and I am screwing them against the wall! I am doing a
number... and I'm having so much fun."
-Donald Trump, commenting on the turn around of his real estate empire
following the recession of the early 1990's.
*** Joy ***
Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you
must have somebody to divide it with.
-Mark Twain
*** TV ***
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence, There's
a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work."
-Eugene Gallagher
"It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We
watch an appalling amount of TV."
-Lisa Simpson
"It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time
raising us than you have."
-Bart Simpson
*** problems ***
"Realize that if you have time to whine and complain about something
then you have the time to do something about it."
-Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
*** Facts ***
"Get you facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you
please."
-Mark Twain
"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored."
-Aldous Huxley
AND MORE STUPID QUOTES!!!!!
******************************
"A hospital is no place to be sick."
-movie mogul Sam Goldwyn
"I think space exploration is very important. I think there is very
intelligent life on Mars. I believe that Martians are spying on us from
the bottom of the ocean."
-actress Annabella Sciorra on her part in the NBC sci-fi miniseries
'Astronome'
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-Microsoft head Bill Gates, in 1981
"It's a very good historical book about history."
- frmr. vice president Dan Quayle, about Paul Johnson's 'Modern Times'
Because of our taping schedule, this show will take place three weeks
after you see it."
-sportscaster Don Gillis
"In case of fire, evacuate building. Do not use stairways. Do not use
elevators."
-sign by elevator in Boston's Federal Reserve Bank Building
Phil Rizzuto (in a car with Yogi Berra, driving to a banquet): Yogi,
we're lost.
Yogi Berra: Yeah, but we're making good time.
"Speaking of animals, he married his wife, Suzanne, when he was in
college."
-Mike Leavitt, gov. of Utah, introducing Senator Larry Craig (he later
apologized for the gaffe).
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will be unbearable."
-sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby.
Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Defendant: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: Every year?
-actual testimony from court records
*On Miss America Contestants, Intellectuality of:*
Q: Who is your favorite author?
Miss Delaware: Steven Spielberg
-on-stage at the 1987 Miss America pagent
"They say you have to stop eating when he does. But what if he's
having a snack and you're starving? Do you have to eat fast?"
-Charles Barkley, member of U.S. Olympic basketball team, on being
introduced to Prince Rainier of Monaco
"This is neither on the record, nor off the record."
-Anthony Bradenthaler, organizer of Oregon's centennial celebration in
1959, to a reporter
:: THRU THE FILM GATE - BY ANTI-PRESS ::
Movie Review By Anti-Press
(C) Copyright 1999 Anti-Press
_JACK BE NIMBLE_ (1993) (New Zealand)
We were in a bad mood when we plugged this tape into our VCR.
One strike against this movie.
Then we had to sit thru some lame trailers for other direct-to-video,
produced-in-Kiwi-land movies, the usual sex thrillers and softcore
supernatural stuff, _Basic Instinct_ knock-offs, whatever.
Second strike.
A bad mood and lowered expectations. The only reason why we were
watching this obscure movie was due to a friend's recommendation. We
thought our viewing time would be spent making snide comments like the
crew on _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ . All part of our positive
"anti" personality.
_Jack Be Nimble_ passed our acid test. Sure, a couple of times it lent
itself to humorous comments, but this bizarre psychological horror
movie skirted on the fringes of the ridiculous without us being choked
by our suspension of disbelief.
Nutshell: a disturbed young man searches for salvation thru his long-
lost sister.
A mother flips out, abandons her preschool son and daughter. The two
kids, Jack and Dora, are put up for adoption by their uncaring father
and are soon separated. Jack grows up on a farm with a cruel couple
with four creepy daughters. Dora is placed in a middle class home, a
more comfortable family situation than her brother, but at school she
is an outsider among her classmates. She becomes a shy teenager,
possessing some quality that makes her the target of insults and the
victim of ostracization. Maybe it's her sensitivity...
Meanwhile Jack is treated by his adoptive parents as if he's another
farm animal, put on this earth to serve them. In fact, one vicious
scene shows Jack being treated worse than a farm animal. Rage builds up
within him but he holds on, never losing hope of seeing his sister,
Dora, again.
One day Dora fights back against her tormenters and she is pushed from
a height by a classmate, suffering a concussion from the fall. This
accident brings out her latent psychic powers. Through her we become
aware of a "psychic underground", i.e. there are rare individuals with
psychic powers who live secretly among us and sometimes they meet
through their telepathic abilities.
In contrast to Dora, Jack finds his own unusual talent by working with
his hands on a special invention. One evening Jack can no longer
tolerate the cruelty of his adoptive family. He calmly brings out a
large metal box and places it in the middle of the dinner table.
Here we go, we thought. Jack is gonna pull out some sort of weird
mechanical device from that box like Freddy Krueger's claw or the
flying killer sphere from _Phantasm_ and he'll hack away and the movie
will nothing more than hack-work.
We were wrong. At this point the movie hooked us, despite our bad mood.
So what's in the box? And how does Jack's story intertwine with Dora's?
Hey, no more spoilers from us.
What we like about _Jack Be Nimble_ is how it seems to be two separate
stories that could have been made into two different movies. But the
storyline does a masterful job of bringing the two forks in the plot
back together. The performances by Alexis Arquette as Jack and Sarah
Smuts-Kennedy as Dora are impressive. Not one false note, even though
certain intense scenes could have degenerated into soap opera hysterics.
Also impressive is the cinematography, scenes of light-at-play, for
example, young Jack watching sunrays flashing thru the trees while
riding in a car. At first this cinematic awareness of light seems to be
intended only to add to the bizarre mood of the movie but actually it
serves to develop a important motif. Add music that underscores,
doesn't overpower the drama, and you have one great movie, albeit a
weird and disturbing one.
So pass up the latest mainstream crap and search out this obscure gem.
Don't sit thru _Lake Placid_ and its unfunny, predictable script by
David Kelly, a story that screams "All thumbs" compared to this film's
nimble screenplay. Anyway, why bother with another killer critter in
the water? You'll find more true horror when you see what's in Jack's
metal box...
:: STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES - SUBMITTED BY ANTI-PRESS ::
Here's a little item gleaned from the regional news rag. One of those
"it could only happen here in God's Country". To paraphrase:
"A local man was seriously injured when his car hit a culvert and
overturned. He told state police he was distracted by a cornfield on
the side of the road."
Usually it's a deer or a cat or even a moose-- but a _cornfield_
causing a car accident? Think about it, won't you?
-This is where I'm supposed to put some witty comment but I can't think
of what the literary equivalent of cornfield would be to distract you
with...(-Ed)
:: RIPPING OFF CHICO ::
If you don't know who Chico is, ask Morbus. Anyways what I'm ripping
off is Chico's Junkfood of the week column. See, I was shopping at one
of those huge assed super stores and found a 3lb (no metric A-P) bag of
Smarties. Yes you read that right - a right 3LB BAG OF SMARTIES!!! Now
we're talking all the basic food groups covered with this baby - the
red group, the green group, the blue group, the yellow group, etc..
Now it's just a matter of keeping it hid from the kiddies <g>
:: ANAGRAMSHITE ::
I stumbled across this great anagram server
(http://www.AnagramGenius.com/server.html). So I submitted Viewer
Discretion to be, uh, anagramiphied. And below is the result.
Here is the result of your request. To learn about the Anagram Genius
software, visit http://www.genius2000.com/ag.html
Rearranging the letters of 'Viewer Discretion' gives:
To screwier divine. I've corniest weird.
Weirdo in vertices. Is not weirder vice.
Overwrite indices. Twice. Re-diversion.
In divorcee writes. Is directive owner.
Swore in directive. On directive wires.
Wire on directives. Nice wit overrides.
It is recovered win. Now directive rise.
Icier envied worst. Is directive or new.
Worse in directive. Strive nice weirdo.
Do screwier invite. In twice overrides.
Swine or directive. Wines or directive.
Wine or directives. Its weirder novice.
Isn't weirder voice. I received in worst.
New, idiotic server. Now service dire it.
To in-service weird. Directions review.
Direction reviews. To weird in service.
Weird service on it. Is overt, nice weird.
I've nice, dire worst. Interview so cried.
Soviet, nicer weird. Weirder it novices.
Decisive or winter. On decisive writer.
Wino receives dirt. Weird, erect vision.
Dire winter voices. Dire novice writes.
Dire wino vertices. Now tidier service.
Rows received in it. Wore in directives.
Weird novice tires. Weird voices inter.
Service into weird. Weird core invites.
Wide recovers in it. Word receives in it.
So indirect review. Contrive dire wise.
It receives now rid. I weird converse it.
I've wordier incest. Ever screw in idiot.
Redirection views. I directive owners.
I worsen directive. Over its nice weird.
It's weirder novice. Weirdo ices invert.
I've rowdier incest. Wind receives riot.
Screwier, tin video. I or new directives.
Wins received riot. Sew or in directive.
I conserve weird it. Tries weird novice.
Voice weird insert. Invite weird score.
Encore! weird visit. Wind receives or it.
Screwier dive on it. Is twin or received.
Interviewed or sic. Review consider it.
Wins received or it. Directive no wires.
No! directives wire. Weirder voices tin.
Service tin weirdo. Never! it is dire cow.
Nice video writers. Not dicier reviews.
New, dire victories. Win riots received.
Wire direst novice. Isn't wire divorcee.
It is worn, received. Is weird, nice voter.
I've weird or incest. On its weirder vice.
I derive nice worst. It is new, dire cover.
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Direr it voices new. Win directive sore.
I receives now. Dirt. Now serve dicier it.
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Sit weirder novice. I've cretin weirdos.
Vein do screwier it. I, now dire vertices.
I service not. Weird. I've wider, corniest.
I've wired, corniest. I've weird censor it.
Not, is weirder vice. Wide or in vertices.
Insert weirdo vice. I've weirdo cretins.
I retrieved in cows. Crew inverse idiot.
Twice sorer divine. Twice dire version.
Rewrites invoiced. In dice overwrites.
Wives redirection. Swerve nicer idiot.
It is newer divorce. Is recovered win it.
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Now served icier it. I've indirect worse.
No! service weird it. I've worried incest.
Divine core writes. I've director wines.
Erotic wins derive. Erotic wine drives.
Service tired wino. Now received it sir.
Vein wordiest rice. I've wordiest, nicer.
Weirder vice to sin. Nice weirdo rivets.
Vein screwer idiot. Cow inverse, dire it.
No! decisive writer. Dire novices write.
Write divorcee sin. Sod! wit in receiver.
So interview cider. Erotic wines drive.
Tired novice wires. Own directive rise.
I received now stir. Inert weird voices.
Weird invite cores. I've wordier insect.
Words receive in it. Video 'n' screwier it.
Divine cows retire. It is even, direr cow.
In or twice derives. Revised in or twice.
Two nice riverside. Twin ice overrides.
Write or in devices. Viewers direction.
To nice, direr views. Nice or tired views.
Erotic win derives. Tin divorcee wires.
Wire serviced on it. Received stir wino.
Dire vice tires now. I service now tired.
I, weird on vertices. Revise erotic wind.
I winds to receiver. Into screwier dive.
Screw or divine tie. Diverse or nice wit.
Revised or nice wit. In voiced rewrites.
To nice, direr wives. Nice or tired wives.
Swerve on dicier it. I or directive news.
Sewer divorce in it. Dire vice wires not.
Video wires cretin. Driven wise erotic.
Wise indirect over. Vein wise director.
Decisive, torn wire. Wire divine sector.
Service now ride it. Derive now cries it.
and many many more.....
The following are the 10 longest words made using some of the letters:
core-resident interviewers
directories interviewed
re-diversion reconverted
interviewer redirection
converters directions
Anagrams created with the ** Anagram Genius ** software
(available for your Windows or MacOS computer)
Full details from:
http://www.genius2000.com/ag.html
Email: genius2000@genius2000.com
:: ETC ::
You can catch VD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. If you want VD delivered
to your mailbox, send an empty email to: v_d-subscribe@makelist.com
Conversely, if you don't want VD, figure it out (it has something to do
with empty mail and v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com - duh).
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to
v_d@iname.com or don't.
Next issue August 17/99
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Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"...
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
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...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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