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Viewer Discretion vol. 2 issue 20 Apr. 11:00
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\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 20 vol. 2 Apr. 11/00
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
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In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLES
RANDOM QUOTABLES FROM BUNNIEE
JESUS HUMOUR
SHNIBBULAR SHITE BY BRENDAN H.
ATOMIC DARK UNDERBELLY BRIGADE - A POEM BY BEN P.
MTV IS RACIST BY BEN P.
FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIEE
DEFINITIONS BY AMY
EXCUSE ME, I'M PASSING GAS FROM CAPITAL OF NASTY
MALE URINAL GAMES BY MICHAEL C.
LETTERS BY GOATBOY
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "Santa is gay" issue. Uh huh. Ask Bunniee if you want to
know more. And speaking of Bunniee, read Brendan's Shnibble Shite column
as he is running his own contest in an attempt to woo Ms. Bunniee -
that's right - first Morbus and AFeXT are brought together through the
magic of VD and now Brendan is hot for Bunniee...it's enough to warm the
cockles of my heart. Hey, what the hell are cockles?
This issue is chock full of male toilet humour. Aren't you readers lucky?
Funny - as the number of subscribers goes up there seems to be more
toilet humour being submitted. Must be all those Yanks in trailer parks.
<g>
In completely unrelated to anything VD-wise news... My 7 year old son
Connor's hockey team won their league championship last weekend 3-1. He
finished the season with 6 goals. Woohoo! Way to go Connor!
And in news that is related to VD, AFeXT sent in this piece that is
really dark, not really within the VD style - it deals with rape,
misogyny, rape, shit, etc. But, not wanting to trample on AFeXT's freedom
of speech and all that Yankee crap <g>, I thought I would put it to you -
most edumacated readers - to decide. I need to hear from as many of you as
possible regarding whether or not you want me to publish his vile,
juvenile attempt at god knows what (not that I'm trying to bias you
opinions or anything:)). So drop me a line at v_d@iname.com and have your
say. In case you can't read between the lines, I don't want to publish the
piece in VD as I feel it doesn't fit within VD's format (or lack thereof).
If you decide that VD should not publish it I'll forward it to Morbus'
zine Devil Shat as he'll publish anything <g>. Oh, and by the way, AFeXT
- you're a pig.
Anyways, speaking of warming our cockles earlier, Ben P. had this little
nice-ity and good-ity to offer:
dear surlies,
i love getting vd. i await in eager anticipation, with
baited breath and some other cliches to get vd from
you guys. some other people try, but your vd is the
bestest of them all.
here are some items which i am submitting for your
viewing displeasure:
Wow! We're touched. Really. Your note is so nice I can't even make fun
it. Thanks. As for the items he submitted, check out Atomic Dark
Underbelly Brigade and MTV is Racist further down in this issue. It's
always great when readers submit items HINT HINT HINT <g>
And then on the flip side of things, Amy A. had this spew forth about my
Ben Folds Five/Ben Bends Over comment last issue:
More Complaining?
>From you Amy - what else is new? <g>
You'd like him to bend over, wouldn't you?
Ah no, actually I was referring to the "musical nuances" sounding like
someone bending over and farting. <g>
Ah, but your limaceous mind has such trouble dealing with the
musical nuances of his work,
No, actually I don't. His "musical nuances" just sound like farts to me.
Farts are OK but they're not really to my musical tastes.
so it's understandable that you'd go for the primal urges.
Uh, don't put *your* preconceived notions of "primal urges" on me. I
never made any reference to anything other than typing the words Ben
Bends Over - you read everything else into that. But speaking of "primal",
as you did, let me add that farts are very, very primal, and, this point
is important Amy, women fart too! Try it sometime, it might relieve some
of that built up pressure/hostility/frustrations about Ben Folds Laundry
you seem to have <g> And for more farting info read "Excuse me, I'm
passing gas" further down in this issue.
VD - a new-age-fart-therapy-self-help kinda rag....
Amy even defined limaceous for us. You can find it in Definitions by Amy.
Nothing like ripping a free column...<g>
Morbus had this to say about the dumbass bus terminal person:
> company?!?!? Please, that's just plain stupidity. Blame Canada
> eh? I don't think so. Blame southern inbreeding.
Yeah, I believe it... the South has got to be the inbred and
retard capital of the world. The only good thing that came out of
the south was Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and that was only by name
alone. There's a squad of people down there who want to be
removed from the United States and return to the Union. Fucking
crazy gun-toting people down there.
Funny that's what Canadians say about *everyone* south of the border...
except Morbus and Bunniee of course - it's the residents of Plattsburg
we're worried about.<g>
Michael S. had this bit of jism to spew forth:
Gotta love those Turbo-Christians!
"If you walk into your son's bedroom without knocking
and he's in there with his pants down holding his erect
penis, he's probably Masturbating."
If I'm lying down and holding my erect penis, I'm just
telling the time.
Bwahahaha. OK, so what time is it? Funny how the Christian anti-
masturbation quote generated almost as much mail as was send back and
forth between Morbus and AFeXT during their little tryst or as much as
contract negotiations with... ah never mind.... <g> hehehe (sorry folks,
but this was one of those stupid-assed-juvenile-inside jokes for YOU
KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!! <g>).
Anyways, how about we walk this choirboy through the priest's showers and
see what comes up...
:: QUOTABLES ::
"freedom to choose isn't a good quality that Christians have... But of
course, Christianity also says that you should love your brother, and if
Satan is a son of God, and God is our father, then..."
-Morbus
"If there's going to be a Big Brother in the United States, it's going to
be us. It's going to be the FBI,"
-Paul George FBI spokesperson
::RANDOM QUOTABLES FROM BUNNIEE ::
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."
"Peanut M&M's are my undoing. They are evil and come straight from Hell."
"I used to have a life. then I got a modem." - azrael
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices." - William James
"Even on the highest throne in the world, we are still sitting on our
ass."
- Michel de Montaigne
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
:: JESUS HUMOUR ::
Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth
when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call me?"
"No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer,
again."
:: SHNIBBULAR SHITE ::
Wow, what a roller coaster ride. At least I managed more emotion than my
usual flat line range of daily-sitting-at-work emotions (From lets-count-
my-chest-hairs boredom (28 at my last count. But I think I've lost some
since then) to a God-I-work-with-morons feeling-of-futility).
Everyone reading this with a job can relate (or is it just me?)
Anyway back to the emotions. I know this is going to ruin any credibility
I may have built up, but Bunniee, any time you feel the need to talk
about female masturbation. Neil has my e-mail address.
(Lets play a guessing game : How many people mailed with the same (or
very similar message)? My answer is 20.
The person whose guess is the closest gets some 'educational' literature
(no pictures) on the topic that I'll hunt for on the net this week.)
I thought what a nice way to start my day. From a delightfully-bubbling
feeling of horniness. (Ok, the company I work for has the worst
employment policy in the world. Only 5 of the +-70 women at work can be
classed as Yummy (and married or engaged) and I'm in a drought of
crippling proportions (3 months...and counting) so don't judge me,
dammit).
To a feeling of no-that's-just-not-right Freaked-out from AFeXT (Message
to his current girlfriend - Run little girl, run!).
However I had one revelation recently. I have officially decided that now
would be a good time to develop a healthy psychosis.
THE SHNIBBULAR ONE
ps. I used =-21 hyphens in this mail. Is that a new record?
:: ATOMIC DARK UNDERBELLY BRIGADE - A POEM BY BEN P. ::
Who Really wants to marry a Millionaire?
twice of thrice sliced America.
DEvour. AVARicious. vicarious retarded rabid werewolf
consuming
rampaging hungry hungry hippos fat on cinmea verite
soap operetice sideshow fakery
fffffeeeeeedmefeedfeedmmmmmMME. m. m. Memore
meMoremeMore FEED FEED Moremefeed, More. Me. feed. ME.
millions eyeballs megaphoneshout More! shout Whore!
she-whore he-whore, A.B.C. is the pimp dadd-y.
cluck cluck tsk tsk, such a million dollar hooker
flesh auction.
uhm, ohkay.
but you're the john.
:: MTV IS RACIST BY BEN P. ::
I was in Starbucks the other day, against my own will. I was with a
buncha stupid rich bitches who all wanted their rhumbaboomba mocha dumba
dumba DECAF, espressos. Now, decaf has got to be one of the most
retarded inventions in the world. It's like you're drinking non-alcoholic
beer or smoking nicotine-free cigarettes. Anyways, Starbucks, is slowly,
but surely, taking over the world. It's getting so bad now in the city
that by the time you finish your frappafrickin'cino from the first store,
you're already at the next Starbucks! This is no accident my friends,
it's all part of their mad genius plan for controlling you. Yesterday the
whip cream in my macchiato spelled out: resistance is futile. You will
submit to the almighty power of Starbuck. Try our new Chai Tea! And
Starbucks backwards you get skubrats and if you transpose those to code
where A=1 B=2 etc and add it all up you 111 and if you divide that by the
cost of a typical cappuccino, $35, you get .314285 and once I figure out
what that satanic message is, I'll tell you guys. See, first they warp
your mind with addictive substances and then they start the brainwashing.
Hey, I read Brave New World, I read 1984, I know how it works. Forget
Starbucks, it's StarBROTHER. Big Starbrother is watching you.
Caffeine isn't the only mind altering substance out there, we've also got
TV, and TV shows, like THE REAL WORLD. Ok, the basic formula is that they
take six, white, Abercrombie & Fitch, Jeep Grand Cherokee, Jetta driving
suburban kids, and stick em in a house with a black guy. Then all these
cracah's go to their "confessions" and start whining. "Like, I just don't
get why Jamal, doesn't fit in!"
Hmm... I WONDER!
And what is up with that anyway? I thought we were past having token
black guys. Fact is, MTV is racist. You think they play all that hip hop
for the brothers? Nah, it's for all the little white children who just
wish they could be black. Ooh, ooh! I just got an idea! The Real World,
in the Slums! THAT'S the real world, not this Real World Hawaii and Real
World Bahamas crap. Those places aren't real, they're just fake little
tourist trash holes.
Yeah, Real World in the projects. With a token white guy.
:: FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIEE ::
To subscribe to the Bunniee List Ov Doom got to:
http://www.god-emil.dk/~bunniee/ and follow the links.
AMSTERDAM, Netherlands (Reuters) -- A Dutch insurance company said
Thursday it had mistakenly supplied porn videos to its agents instead of
a film on pensions.
"Painful, very painful. Not only for ourselves but notably for our
customers," a spokesman for the company, Nationale Nederlanden, told
Reuters.
The tapes, which according to the wrapping were about pensions, were
distributed earlier this month.
One hundred videos, part of a lot of 500, originated from a distribution
company which had farmed out the duplication to a third party.
"We immediately jumped into our cars and got them all back," the
spokesman said.
And more from Bunniee - this is from the Captain Underpants book...
Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first name:
a = stinky n = zippy
b = lumpy o = goober
c = buttercup p = doofus
d = gidget q = slimy
e = crusty r = loopy
f = greasy s = snotty
g = fluffy t = falafel
h = cheeseball u = dorkey
i = chim-chim w = oprah
j = poopsie v = squeezit
k = flunky x = skipper
l = booger y = dinky
m = pinky z = zsa-zsa
Use the first letter of your last name to determine the first half of
your NEW last name:
a = diaper n = rhino
b = toilet o = burger
c = giggle p = hamster
d = bubble q = toad
e = girdle r = gizzard
f = barf s = pizza
g = lizard t = gerbil
h = waffle u = chicken
i = cootie v = pickle
j = monkey w = chuckle
k = potty x = tofu
l = liver y = gorilla
m = banana z = stinker
Use the last letter of your last name to determine the second half of
your NEW last name:
a = head n = chunks
b = mouth o = hiney
c = face p = biscuits
d = nose q = toes
e = tush r = buns
f = breath s = fanny
g = pants t = sniffer
h = shorts u = sprinkles
i = lips v = kisser
j = honker w = squirt
k = butt x = humperdinck
l = brain y = brains
m = tushie z = juice
My Captain Underpants name is Zippy Banana-Brains woohoo! -Ed.
So if everyone gets their new name and mails it to v_d@iname.com I'll
publish them all (without real names of course) in a Captain Underpants
column next issue.
:: DEFINITIONS BY AMY ::
Today's word to be defined by Amy is:
limaceous
Limaceous is an adjective meaning slug-like.
# As in Ben Folds Five's "musical nuances" are very limaceous <g> -Ed.
:: EXCUSE ME, I'M PASSING GAS FROM CAPITAL OF NASTY ::
Note: This is a reprint from an early issue of Capital Of Nasty. The
original article was contributed to CoN by Andrew Roller Presents
FUCK DECENCY.-Ed.
EXCUSE ME, I'M PASSING GAS
How often does someone have the courtesy to say those words to you? Once
a day? Twice? Or do they just let you *smell*, and wonder? Do you find
yourself looking around, wondering who cut that fart? I do.
Which is why I want to set a new standard of courtesy on the Net. Even
though you can't smell me, I still feel an obligation to tell you that
I've passed gas. It's just common decency, really. And it's important
that we set an example for our children, so they can learn and practise
proper manners.
You might be sitting at home, clicking away on your new Web T.V., and
suddenly a big message comes on:
EXCUSE ME, I'M PASSING GAS
Yep, that's me. Setting an example. For all of us. Please tell your
children that they should tell everyone when they've passed gas, just
like I do. I may need a shave, and I may need new clothes, and I may
bathe in public school restrooms, but at least I know my manners.
Tell your children it's wrong to just cut a fart. Be loving but firm.
It's not the fart that's bad (Uncle Ed would welcome it.) It's the
silence. Inform your friends and, if there's an authority present, tell
her too. Don't be disruptive. Simply raise your hand and announce,
"Teacher, I'm passing gas."
Parents, band together with other adults to reinforce your expectation.
Be loving but firm. Gas is a natural part of life. We all suffer from it.
A few simple words help alleviate everyone's feelings. Your children may
complain now about announcing when they've passed gas. But when they grow
up they'll thank you for teaching them properly. And you'll thank
yourself for raising such gas-conscious children.
*~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~
NATIONAL GAS AWARENESS WEEK
"Don't Just Open Your Anus. Open Your Mouth too."
*~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~
:: MALE URINAL GAMES SUBMITTED BY MICHAEL C.::
Can you pee long enough to:
1. Chase all the dog ends down the hole?
2. Unwrap the paper covering off more than one dog end?
3. Completely fill the toilet with foam?
4. Do more than 5 circuits of the toilet bowl?
5. Pee in the person next to yours trouser turn up without them noticing?
6. Get just one splash on both shoe toecaps?
7. Make more than 10 anagrams out of the toilet name during a pee?
8. Do more than 10 'peeing' runs up and down a 4 person urinal before
finishing?
9. Squeeze out more than 10 lots of 'Final Drops'
10. Piss blood on a Monday morning - this takes a real indulgent weekend
And for bonus points:
11. Pee into sand for long enough to blast a micro moat, with drawbridge,
and fill it up to the brim before it drains
12. Pee into the sink consistently whilst doing the backwards/forwards
walk six times. (It's true. I've done it at yours).
:: LETTERS BY GOATBOY ::
From: "CoN Editorial" <con@capnasty.org>
Organization: Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
To: <jack@hamster.com>
Date sent: Fri, 24 Mar 2000 23:59:05 -0500
Subject: Re: Your website and HAMSTER.COM!
Priority: normal
On This Day, in the Year of Our Lord 24 Mar 00, at 7:38, thus spake
jack@hamster.com :
> Hey!
Hey.
> I just visited your site http://www.capnasty.org/ , and found it
> quite interesting :>
I'm not only very impressed and shocked of you visiting my site, but
also troubled. Considering that the site is closed and it currently
consists of one page, dear rodent, do tell how you managed to see it? Or
was it the font to impress you? Was it the photo of the zeppelin that
you found quite interesting? The colourful background?
> I'm running this program called -Hamster ADS- which pays up to
> 20 cents per unique visitor & 5 cents per click on TEXT ADS
> which can fit right into your site perfectly.
Because, as we all know, people are mighty interested in seeing ONE page,
with little content, and the photo of a zeppelin. I should put a link on
the page to itself, to keep people entertained for hours.
> We cut checks to our webmasters EVERY friday and I'm sure you
> will be very interested :>
I'm trying really hard here, my dear rodent friend, to do something:
care. I just don't seem to give any, though.
> Check us out @ http://www.hamster.com
Any relation with www.realhamster.com?
> If you have any questions email me at jack@hamster.com
Yes. What do hamsters and duct-tape have in common?
> Hope to see you on our program soon!
I have the funny feeling that your definition of soon is different than
ours.
Take care rodent-boy.
:: ETC ::
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or if you just hate Morbus and want to send in cheap
ass stolen poetry, type it up and send it in a note to v_d@iname.com.
Music that inspired this issue: Genesis P-Orridge - Splinter Test
Instagon - Thee Most Creative
Thing I've Ever Seen
In A Slight English
Accent
U2 - Achtung Baby
Skinny Puppy - The Process
This issue was an escaped fart from the Ren & Stimpy show.
Next issue April 25/00
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Morbus asked me really nicely to put this here and gosh-darn it, I did
because Morbus is just so nice...
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe ViewerDiscretion
TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion
...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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