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Viewer Discretion vol. 1 issue 13 january 19:99
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\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 13 vol. 1 january 19/99
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
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thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen
In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
HORROR - BY MORBUS
NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY
THE MYTH OF AMERICAN FREE PRESS - SUBMITTED BY STUDIO GUILLOTINE
WEBSHITE
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to issue 13. And let's start off by calling it LUCKY 13 just to
fuck with those people out there who are superstitious. And just for the
record I wrote, saved, e-mailed this here issue 13 and nothing bad has
happened. But I'm not one of those superstitious types who think 13 is
an unlucky number and go around making their own "bad luck" come true
with stupid assed self-defeatist attitudes that they use to turn around
and blame the world for their own misery... Am I referring to someone in
particular here? Yes, several people in fact but that's a whole other
issue... Anyways, seeing as I'm spewing about what superstitious shit I
don't believe in, here's a few more I don't believe; that walking under
a ladder, spilled salt or black cats are bad luck (hell I own a black
cat). Furthermore I personally hate the way apartment and office
buildings floors are numbered 11, 12, 14, 15, etc. Like it makes a
difference. We won't call the 13th floor 13, we'll call it 14 and then
we won't be unlucky. Yeah right. Sort of sounds like religion to me.
Whatever. This is issue #13 get over it. Hell I might make the next
issue #13.1, or I'll start a new Vol. # and make it Vol. 13 and all the
issues will be numbered 13.0, 13.1, and so on and so on. But then again,
maybe I won't. It might be tempting fate <g>.
In other news, The Annihilation Fountain, my other web based
publication, has moved. Thanks to Goatboy for hooking us up with
scriba.org. The new URL is http://www.capnasty.org/taf
There is also a new issue available at the new URL. So check it out,
tell your friends, submit an article, enjoy...
I was reading reviews in my outdated 1993 Video Movie Guide when I
stumbled upon a review for Basket Case III - The Progeny. It was rated
R for - are you ready - simulated mutant sex! Simulated fucking mutant
sex!!! And then it hit me..... That's what's VD needs! Simulated Mutant
Sex! SMS will be our new battle cry. We'll scream it from the dark
recesses of this simulated world called the Internet. We want simulated
mutant sex! So c'mon Morbus, Goatboy, Studio Guillotine, I'm sure you
guys must come across (no pun intended) simulated mutant sex
(especially you Goatboy - No Frills must be full of mutants). Get VD
and get your daily dose of Simulated Mutant Sex....yeah baby,
shagalicious....
Speaking of mutants.... I saw Boy George (Boy? He's got to be like 40?)
on TV the other night. He appeared just after KISS (those make-up clad,
geritol guzzling, wig wearing, comic book superhero wannabes). One word
- scary. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Just got a review copy of Mark Dery's new book from his publicist today.
It's called "The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium - American Culture on the
Brink". It looks wonderfully dark and intriguing. Stay tuned for a
review in future issue...
In the mean time, enjoy this issue...
:: QUOTABLE ::
"Daddy, Sasha got snot in my hair!!"
-Connor aged 5
:: HORROR - BY MORBUS ::
IT'S ALIVE by Morbus
It's not every day where you see five people die in the first ten
minutes of a movie. And although the evil baby shtick has become pretty
well known, IT'S ALIVE is probably one of the most well done versions
that you'll see.
>From the first "it feels different" to the final forceps induced labor,
to the deaths of many and the father's accusation of abduction, IT'S
ALIVE makes you hate characters... rather badly. The father
irrationally accusing the hospital of being responsible, into "kill the
damn thing" into "let ME kill the damn thing" into "it's hurt, it can't
hurt anyone", this is one of those movies where each character has a
damned evolving personality that you can latch onto.
The medicinal guy who asserts that it needs to be utterly destroyed
because it could draw bad attention to the industry, to the wife who
holds onto all hope feeding it bottles of milk (as opposed to the
milkman it ate earlier), to the "it" itself - only seen in glimpses of
police car lights, or the flicker of a flashlight.
I liked this movie. Some could call it boring, some could call it
extreme in the sense that the father seems to make a complete
turnaround in his emotions, and some could call it your plain old
typical killer baby movie.
Whatever the case, the deaths are meager and hinting, the baby is loud
and rarely seen, and the mother just likes to randomly laugh and watch
Loony Toons. If you have nothing else to watch, see IT'S ALIVE. If you
have a choice between another and this one, see the other - I have a
feeling most people won't agree with my liking of this flick.
:: NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES BY GOATBOY ::
People that suck.
If there is one thing I'll never understand about no frills, it's the
people that work in it.
Not all mind you. But some deserve a special place in hell when they
die.
You see, I may sound like a sexist bastard, but I've learned one thing
about men and women while working here:
Men, will stand up for the other person, even if the two just finished
beating the shit out of each other in the backroom.
Women, will stab each other in the back, even if the two had just
talked as if they were the best of friends in their changing room.
And this is what I don't understand. Women look like the moment they
meet they can be friends forever. Heck, you and your friend go out to
some restaurant and you both take your girlfriends, and the first thing
they do is go to the washroom together.
Why? I mean, I don't look at my friend Danny and say "Hey, would you
like to come to the washroom with me while I take a piss?" Most likely
Danny would break my nose.
Take Sundays for example. The boys from produce and us from grocery
enjoy our "Italian dinner" at 2:30. It's actually Chinese food, but we
look like a big family sitting there eating, when two of us go get the
food. And we have it at 2:30 because that's when the rest of the
afternoon staff arrives, and we can finally take our lunches, while
still leaving someone roaming the floors pretending to be busy.
So when 2:30 hits, two of us go get the food, we all set tables out of
trays and the like, sit down, we chat, we eat, we smoke and we're happy
lads.
But the girls don't like this. We can't even figure out why. But for
sure one of them went up to our Big Cheese and complained that we do
not do any work and spend all of our time on lunch.
The Big Cheese asked me not to have the "Italian" dinner anymore.
Believe it or not, the one thing that kept people happy on Sunday was
the lunch together with everyone else. It's that brief of moment
everyone looks forward to, cracking jokes, and that keeps our minds
away from the fact that we are slaving here to save a few miserable
pennies that will then be sucked dry by school.
You take away the dinner, you took the will to live of some people.
Now, fortunately the Big Cheese has me up with big respect. I'm not
sure why. He loves me. I melted a skid of ice cream and I didn't get
fired nor paid for the ice cream. I told him to fuck off, and I still
had my job. I could've burnt his cars, killed his family, he would
still hold me in the highest of respects.
So I asked him one simple question: how does the store look when you
return on Monday morning? "Oh the store looks better than any other day
of the week!" And then it hit him.
You see my boss has the mental power that works at the same speed as a
freight train going through a switch.
So our Sunday dinner was back. People were happy. And when the
cashier walked in the back, we all looked at her, said "Hello Loma!"
and waved our hands.
She did not look amused.
:: THE MYTH OF AMERICAN FREE PRESS - SUBMITTED BY STUDIO GUILLOTINE ::
The Myth of An American Free Press
by John Swinton Chief of Staff, New York Times
(Considered "the Dean of his Profession" by his peers)
When asked to give a toast at the New York Press Club in 1953.
"There is no such thing, at this date of the world's history, in
America, as an independent press. You know it and I know it.
There is not one of you who dares to write your honest opinions, and if
you did, you know beforehand that it would never appear in print. I am
paid weekly for keeping my honest opinion out of the paper I am
connected with. Others of you are paid similar salaries for similar
things, and any of you who would be so foolish as to write honest
opinions would be out on the streets looking for another job. If I
allowed my honest opinions to appear in one issue of my paper, before
twenty-four hours my occupation would be gone.
The business of the journalists is to destroy the truth, to lie
outright, to pervert, to vilify, to fawn at the feet of mammon, and to
sell his country and his race for his daily bread. You know it and I
know it, and what folly is this toasting an independent press?
We are the tools and vassals of rich men behind the scenes. We are the
jumping jacks, they pull the strings and we dance. Our talents, our
possibilities and our lives are all the property of other men. We are
intellectual prostitutes."
...every once in a while one of them can't stand it, steps outside and
says it. - Studio Guillotine
:: WEBSHITE ::
http://members.xoom.com/ksperry/escher.htm which is the M. C. Escher
page of Kyle's Personal Asylum - substitute /index for the /escher
and your at his home page. I found this page while looking for some
Escher works. The Escher page is great with 16 clickable thumbnails of
Escher's work that link to full screen images. The page is quick
loading and laid out fairly intuitively. It includes a fairly in-depth
biography of the artist as well. As for the rest of Kyle's Personal
Asylum? I took a quick around and found nothing that really caught my
attention. But the Escher page is worth checking out for those of you
who like Escher.
Funny enough though, there is a big "Featured in Lockergnome" graphic
on Kyle's main page. What is Lockergnome - http://www.lockergnome.com/
you ask? One of the best, if not the best, mailing lists for software/
info pertaining to Windows 95/98/NT. Chris Pirillo is the head gnome
and his mailings are always informative, usually amusing and never
insulting. For Power users and novices alike Lockergnome is great
resource for all sorts of wonderful tips, tricks, programs and updates
for the Windows user. Definitely worth subscribing to - I do. Go there
and subscribe and tell Chris that VD sent ya...
:: ETC ::
You can catch VD in many various way but you can only get simulated
mutant sex delivered to your mailbox by sending an empty email to:
v_d-subscribe@makelist.com
Conversely, if you've had your dose and don't want no more, send an
empty email to v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com
Pretty simple huh?
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to
v_d@iname.com or get your own damn zine.
Viewer Discretion is archived exclusively at Low Bandwidth -
http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/viewer_discretion.htm
because it doesn't take much to impress Morbus - just a scanned slice
of pizza...
Morbus appears courtesy of the Devil, uh er, we mean disobey.com
Goatboy appears courtesy of realhampster.com, um, we mean capnasty.org
Studio Guillotine appears courtesy of Bob Dobbs, remember Bob spelled
backwards is boB...
Hairy Fishnuts for Pear Pimples? Mr. Ed S. from New Zealand knew that
it came from the "Bloom County" cartoon strip by Berke Breathed. As Ed
tells us it was from a strip about "Opus (A penguin learning speech) is
attempting to repeat the words Hare Krishna's for prayer temples."
Thanks Ed. This was a actually a test to see if anyone reads the whole
issue. Ed does.
Remember don't wrestle with toddlers with runny noses.
Next issue February 2/99
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Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"...
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
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...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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