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Viewer Discretion vol. 2 issue 21 Apr. 25:00
__ __
\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 21 vol. 2 Apr. 25/00
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
__ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __
__ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __
__ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __
In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLES
CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS NAME LIST
SHNIBBULAR SHITE - BY BRENDAN H.
AFeXTTeXT - BY AFeXT
I AM... - BY ANDY H.
JIM MORRISON ONLINE INTERVIEW
CLIVE BARKER SHITE
FRENCH TOAST POETRY - BY BUNNIEE
FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM
44 ISSUES OF DUMB-ASS YANKEE SLAGS
JOKESHITE
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "today is Morbus' birthday" issue. Happy Birthday Morbus!!
And how old is he you ask??? Well, I believe he's 22 years young - just a
pup. Anyways, I hope you have a great day dude! You can tell everyone you
know that you got VD for your birthday <g> Everyone should send lots of
birthday email to morbus@disobey.com because he really doesn't get enough
email every day.
In other news, it seems that this issue will carry the very last edition
of AFeXTeXT. Too Bad. I kinda liked his ramblings...for the most part <g>
Oh well send AFeXT your comments at his email address listed in his
column.
Speaking of AFeXT - only 2 people responded to my survey about his rape
piece - one for and one against - so I'm no better off than before I
asked you apathetic fucks your opinions <g> So I've decided to send the
piece to Morbus for DevilShat - it's also a cheap assed way of me giving
him a birthday present. Nothing's too good for my friends... <g>
And about the whole deferring of is piece AFeXT had this to spew forth:
I've lowered your opinion of me, woohoo! lol...
*grins* haha... that rules.
;)
Sorry dude, you couldn't get my opinion of you any lower than it already
was <g> He went on to say this in his (meagre) defence of the rape piece:
Oh yeah, lol, I've showed that article to just about everyone i
know, and they all love it and think it's funny.. cos they know
me... but anyway, it's cool, it's cool, I wrote it for that effect,
happy that I got it, too
Well, glad we didn't disappoint you then. I guess all you friends are
sick motherfuckers like you then eh? <g>
And Jason had this to say:
oh boy... i just got a new strain of VD today...
fucking disobey.
I guess that's what you get for fucking disobey :)
Bunniee had this to say about Brendan's lusting after her...
I'm being wooed? Does this boy know I'm over 35 and
has he seen my not-so-recent picture? <g>
Over 35...that means as a woman you're just entering your sexual prime
so a little stud-puppy pubescent like Brendan might just be the answer <g>
>(Lets play a guessing game : How many people mailed
>with the same (or very similar message)? My answer
>is 20.
I'm guessing it was just Brendan 'cause he's horny.
Bingo!
And about Brendan wanting hear Bunniee talk about masturbation Bunniee had
this to offer:
Well, I was thinking of starting a new career as a
dominatrix or maybe running a phone sex hotline. So
Brendan could be my slave or pay $2.99 a minute to
listen to me talk about masturbation.
I bet you he would pay - for about months worth of time in advance <g>
Bunniee also scolded me (part of her training for the dominatrix gig) for
not sharing the following with you:
I appreciate the link to HKNW, but I'm a little
disappointed that you did not tell the VD viewing
audience about my bunny peeps auction on ebay. I
mean, who wouldn't jump at the chance to bid on
3-year old stale peeps?
Apparently no one so far. What's wrong with people.
http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=304394133
If you click on the URL above and get a "not found" error, the last
part may be cut off if your mail client word-wraps.
Or the auction my be closed now. Sorry Bunniee. Next time you auction
them off I'll let the audience know in advance - hell, I've even bid on
them in Brendan's name <g> Bunniee also offered some art for the VD
audience:
I be an artist, part 2:
http://www.god-emil.dk/~bunniee/shhh/turtle.jpg
I like turtles.
Anyways, let's play aliens and anal probe this issue into Uranus.
:: QUOTABLES ::
Sasha: Are grown-ups allowed to pick their noses?
Me: Well, we usually use a tissue and blow our nose.
Sasha: (after getting a tissue) Look dad, I'm picking my nose with a
Kleenex.
-Sasha aged 3
:: CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS NAME LIST::
Angie = Stinky Gigglebutt
Moira = Pinky Gorillapants
The Holiday Store = Buttercup Pottyshorts
Lasar = Booger Liverfanny.
Bunniee = Gerbil Boogerfanny
JD = Poopsy Bubblefanny
Jessi = Poopsie Gerbilbuns
Neil B. = Zippy Toiletchunks
Betelgeuse = Pinky Lizardhead
Jason = Poopsie Hamsterchunks
Sasha = Snotty Pizzabrains
Me = Zippy Bananabrains
Morbus Iff = Pinky Cootiebreath
:: SHNIBBULAR SHITE - BY BRENDAN H. ::
I say nay to censorship. If you've ever experienced oral sex from a woman
swirling a block of ice around in her mouth, you'll understand what a
good combination warm-and-soft/hard-and-icy can be. Kind of cosmopolitan
(the sound you are not hearing is the sound of me banging my head against
my desk repeatedly for using the word "cosmopolitan"). I think AFeXT's
little tale could be just icy enough to provide us with the contrast we
need. (A note to people who want their own column : Comparing vd with
receiving oral sex is just one of the many ways you can be recognized by
Neil for your literary genius. Fellatio is always appreciated, literally
and figuratively (Bunniee?))
If we find AFeXT's twisted psycho-babble truly offensive, you can always
send us his e-mail address and we could teach him all about the joys of
highly graphic death threats / spam.
(NOTE, THE FOLLOWING IS NOT FUNNY AND SINCE NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW
ABOUT TUMBLER PIDGEONS ITS PROBABLY TOO OBSCURE FOR ANYONE TO BE
INTERESTED IN)
I just had an epiphany. It says a lot for the human mind that we can
breed a strain of bird (tumbler pigeons) so neurotic and paranoid that
every time we let them out of their lofts they spend hours doing evasive
manoeuvres against an airborne threat that is not there just for our own
amusement.
(I TOLD YOU SO)
If this column sucks, its because as I type I'm getting ready for 2 weeks
of holiday where I don't plan to see, let alone touch a PC, family member
or porcelain toilet.
If you never hear from me again its because I've renounced civilisation,
lost the art of human language and am living in a damp cave somewhere
where the only human contact I'll have is scaring hikers off cliffs in
order to feast on their... (oops, sorry didn't mean to get AFeXT on you.)
About the competition. Does anybody know how difficult it is getting hold
of info on female masturbation that isn't just plain smutty?
THE SHNIBBULAR ONE
:: AFeXTTeXT - AFeXT ::
Hey, I got that same email from HamsterAds for eb... I love the fact that
you get 5cents a click but they try to make it sound like you get 20cents
a click, but in reali--eeugh, I would marry a millionaire. StarBrother
sounds like something out of, uh, 2001... Or something... yeah.
I had the good fortune of performing a bit of Hamlet on 12.4.00, it was
quite entertaining. For being my first time on stage performing in front
of just about every peer and friend I have, I did rather well... I
totally screamed my lungs out at the fair Ophelia. Poor girl, the entire
audience must have jumped at my "YOU SHOULD *NOT* HAVE BELIEVED ME!"
line, because I was rather quiet up till that point. Alas, I move on.
I have a friend, his name is Alex. He seems to have this ability to bash
anyone and everyone. See, you notice these things more when you begin to
be the target more and more. Alex here, he seems to believe he knows
everything... He can play drums amazingly well (yet he isn't good) and by
golly, he can ACT! I can't act according to him... According to him I have
no acting talent at all. His word against about 150 others who saw me.
Gee, I wonder. Alex has a problem, he's never acted Shakespeare (or
anything) in his life... His "acting" ability is his ability to lie and
insult people with no abandon whatsoever. I wish him dead, but I have not
the power to do it myself. I've given up listening to him, and when I try
to bring up this "you can't act, why does thou criticize?" topic, he
laughs
at me, calls me stupid,. and tells me to shut up. I've begun to insult
him non-stop, gets him to shut up easy.
Ack, sorry for the long paragraph. I just had to get that out. I have a
friend, Adrian, who is the same way. He runs
http://freak.electricbiscuit.com And he says I have no acting talent
whatsoever, but at least he has a little logic. He just doesn't seem to
accept the fact that this was my first time ever acting truly in such a
way... So he is harsh without merit, but oh well. I need to remember
Adrian and Alex know everything and I am truly wrong in an argument
with them. Adrian who is Mr. You're-Evil-And-Brainwashed-By-Society,
Yet-So-Am-I-,-I-Admit-But-Yet-I-Continue-Spouting-Of-Your-Evils... *sigh*
I'm going to cut to something different now, just not to bore you all.
Something strange and shocking happened today, something very odd. I've
taken a step to write about it in my secret DiaryLand diary in a certain
prose but I couldn't manage. Let me try now.
Wow, been sitting here for two hours and have not typed a thing. I am,
well, stuck.
-=-
Wow, I started writing that on 4/13, now it's 4/18... How odd. Oh well, I
might as well start writing over again. Where was I? Oh yes, the
experience with the girl. That was very interesting. I'll shorten what I
was gonna write: I walk down the hall, this girl walks by me, except as
she does it, she looks into my eyes with this deep seductive dangerous
evil naughty-girl down-boy-down-boy kind of look that makes my heart
freeze and the world around me fade into greyness and drip away like wax
off a candle. It was very very stunning. See, that wasn't so bad was it?
Oh well, in other news... I don't have much to write, this has turned
into just about everything I write that looks into a little bit of my
life. I think I'll discontinue AFeXTTeXT now. It was nice knowing all of
you, if you want me to continue writing, or you want to tell me how much
I suck, email me at afext@electricbiscuit.com ... Thank you for your
time, I hope it was good for you. Life is good.
:: I AM... - BY ANDY H. ::
Hey, I should preface this for all you Yanks and other non-Canucks on the
list. There is this really annoying beer commercial on Canadian TV with
"Joe", a patriotic Canadian who stands up at a microphone in front of a
changing backdrop of all sorts of wonderful Canadianesque scenes and
recites the bit below on the left (the one beginning with "Hey"). He gets
all worked up and yelling - kinda like Yanks when they're justifying a
war they've started somewhere - they even had the actor do this at a
hockey game in Ottawa (Canada's capital) and the morons in the audience
gave him a standing ovation. So anyways, Andy H., decided to rewrite it
using his own versions of things Canadian (the one on the right beginning
with "Ummm"). Read it and enjoy.
Hey. Ummm...
I'm not a lumberjack, I'm not a lumberjack,
or a fur trader... or a fur trader...'cuz its the
wrong century...
and I don't live in an igloo I don't live in a igloo or
or eat blubber, or own a dogsled... eat blubber, or own a dogsled,
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or but it sure was fun stealing
Suzy from Canada, although I'm from them.
certain they're really, really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, I have a Prime Minister,
not a President. Not a President.
I speak english and french, I speak english, NOT american,
NOT american. and french, well 'dey juzz d'on
and I pronounce it 'ABOUT', li 'kuzz
NOT 'A BOOT'. and I pronounce it 'ABOUT,
NOT MEASURE HOW BIG ITS
WRITTEN.
I can proudly sew my country's I can proudly sew my country's
flag on my backpack. flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, I believe in peace keeping,
NOT policing. NOT torturing Somalis;
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation, DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY AND THAT THE BEAVER TRULY
PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT RESIDENTIAL
SCHOOLS.
A TOQUE IS A HAT, A toque is a hat--LIKE I'D EVER
WEAR ONE,
A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH, A chesterfield is a couch--WHO
CALLS IT THAT,
AND IT IS PRONOUCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', AND IT IS SPELLED 'Z', NOT
'ZED'!!! 'ZEE', NOT 'ZED', 'Z'!!!
CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST
LANDMASS! LANDMASS!
THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY! THE FIRST NATIONS...HOCKEY?
AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA! AND THE BEST PART OF WHO'S
AMERICA?
MY NAME IS JOE!! HIS NAME IS DICK! SEE DICK
RUN. RUN DICK RUN.
AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!! AND HE IS A LONG RUNNING
SCHLONG!!!!!!!
If you truly are Canadian, read this out loud at the top of your lungs,
add your name and then send it on its merry way to as many Canadians as
possible. Let the list begin!
:: JIM MORRISON ONLINE INTERVIEW ::
I ripped this from Zentertainment (http://www.ZENtertainment.com) -Ed.
MORRISON'S FINAL AMERICAN INTERVIEW NOW ON-LINE THROTTLEBOX will post the
first of 12 episodes drawn from the final American interview given by
DOORS frontman Jim Morrison. The 70-minute interview was recorded in the
Los Angeles apartment of a friend of Pamela Courson in February 1971, a
few weeks prior to his move to Paris. Conducted by ROLLING STONE editor
Ben Fong Torres, the series features Morrison discussing his notorious
Miami performance, drinking, rock and roll, and the possible addition of
Elvis Presley's bass player to the band.
http://www.throttlebox.com/morrison
:: CLIVE BARKER SHITE ::
In even more stuff ripped from Zentertainment
(http://www.ZENtertainment.com) -Ed.
CLIVE BARKER 'QUARTET' ACQUIRED BY DISNEY Clive Barker and DISNEY will
team up in an effort to turn Barker's upcoming ABARET QUARTET series of
fantasy-adventure novels into a major franchise. The novels, featuring a
combined 400 original paintings by Barker, will tell the story of a
16-year-old Minnesota girl who enters an imaginary land populated by 25
archipelago islands. The first ABARET novel will be released by
HARPERCOLLINS around Christmas 2001. http://www.clivebarker.com
:: FRENCH TOAST POETRY - BY BUNNIEE ::
Ms. Bunniee submitted this little ditty via her "bunniee list ov doom"
Go to http://www.god-emil.dk/~bunniee/ and follow the link if you want to
join the list.
French toast is yummy
I could eat it every day
the French Toast Fairy
is bringing me syrup today
Will she have maple or butter pecan,
Log Cabin, Mrs. Butterworths
it's hard to go wrong
Here she comes now
but the bitch is drunk again
the French Toast Fairy
brought me catsup instead
bunniee
:: FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM ::
XXX
Nude celebrity pics!
http://www.uio.no/~seide/naken.html
()()()()()()
The cricket weather calculator:
http://www.srh.noaa.gov/elp/wxcalc/cricket.html
:: 44 ISSUES OF DUMB-ASS YANKEE SLAGS ::
Welcome to the special "44 issues of dumb-ass Yankee slags" portion of
this issue. Here they be - all the Yankee slags I've written, stolen,
reproduced or otherwise published in VD since issue #1. This was Morbus'
idea - not a bad one for a Yank either <g>.
Enjoy, get angry, whatever...
***
A Mr. Shard Tappan, 28, of Mt. Clemens, Mich., was escaping the heat in
an apartment swimming pool when he and his friends decided to have a
contest to see who could hold their breath the longest under water.
Tappan won. However after five minutes at the bottom of the pool, his
friends pulled him out and started CPR. He was pronounced dead on
arrival at a local hospital. (UPI)
***
This is your typical, whatever that means, "we're better Christians than
you" word drool that vomits from U.S. networks regularly bilking old
ladies out of their pensions forcing them to eat their cats or their
cat's food or something like that.
***
Howard Stern's show is so appealing because it is like the mechanically
separated meat by-products that make the hot-dogs of life - his show may
be filling, but it's filled with shit (or at least gas). But it is shit
that everybody at one time or another greedily wolfs down because they
secretly enjoy it.
***
"We were in a slaughterhouse recently. Apparently they were having
problems. The animals' blood would clot. They say the blood flows freely
now. The Muzak relaxes them as they die."
-taken from a book published by the MUZAK CORP. of AMERICA
***
But what scares me is the prospect of someone named 'Newt' actually
wielding power down south of the border. I mean, c'mon, growing up as
'Newt' you just know this guy got beat up. A lot. And I don't really want
to be directly attached to a country that has some
extremist-revenge-of-the-nerd dink named Newt blowing up everyone who
shit in his Wheaties while growing up. Nope. Like I said, glad he's gone.
Now if someone will just uncover that
hetro-homo-transexual-beastial-kiddieporn-snuff video of Kenneth Starr
that just has to exist, well, then life would be good - still a seriously
fucked-up carnival, but good none the less...
***
You know while the States are out bombing everyone they selectively think
need "help", their own citizens are killing each other at a rate that is
unmatched anywhere else on this planet (probably this universe). But that
has nothing to do with ultra-lax gun control right Mr. Heston? 220
million guns...15 kids dead every day due to handguns (accidents
included)... But that's OK because as Chuck and company like to spew
forth; "an armed society is a polite society". Uh sorry, an asshole in an
armed society is an asshole with a gun - trench coats are optional. No
thanks. Sheesh...morons... I'm all for building that wall along the
Canada U.S. border one of those wacko U.S. senators talked about - but
not to keep Canadians and others out of the U.S. - but rather to keep
Americans out of Canada (Morbus and A-P are excluded from this of course)
<g>.
***
I just got an idea - let's colonize Mars and send every member of the NRA
there so they can have their "armed but polite" society. I'd contribute
to that endeavour...
***
Well, it's either God's fault or that wacko Yankee media influence I tell
ya...<g>
***
Quebec is as Canadian as you can get. Of course the only problem with
Quebec City is all those Ugly American tourists, hehe <g>. Man, I know
I'm gonna start getting mail because I'm picking on all you Americans out
there...but y'all are such easy targets, hehehe oops, did it again didn't
I?.... <g>
***
Hell got any making-fun-of-Americans stories? hehehe
***
For those of you complaining that I was picking on Yanks too much...
Live with it.
***
51% of all Republicans believe that taking night time medicine during the
day makes their job a lot more enjoyable.
45% of all Americans believe that the Millennium would have come faster
"if it had been handled by private enterprise and not by the government."
Bwahahaha ahahahahaha Silly Americans....
***
When reading these quasi anti-American comments remember one thing:
Canada's favourite sport is beating Americans at anything...
***
(hmmm...I thought the murdering brats in Colorado were doing their own
imitation of impulsive NRA adults <g> -Ed)
***
No actually it was based on the fact that Americans being so much more
stupid (in general) than Canadians, I figured they had to be younger. You
know that whole "older - wiser" argument...<g>.
***
Only American's could turn a video arcade game contest into a matter of
national pride....<g>
***
Why did these men commit murder or other heinous crimes you ask? Because
their parents gave them such stupid fucking names. Because of names like
Buford & Ottis Elwood, the kids were singled out as knobs while growing
up and ended up as hate filled social retards with violent inferiority
complexes...and guns. Of course I don't have any scientific evidence to
back this but it is a pretty strong hunch... Oh yeah and most of them are
from the South...
***
Well, if we're going to start eating national symbols, I would much
rather eat beaver than bald eagle <g>. Silly Amerkians...
***
I was listening to the news the other day when they told of some loser
who actually got stuck in the chimney of a porn store. Seems the moron
tried to break in Santa like and managed to get down about 2 feet below
the roof before he got stuck (maybe he got a hard-on?). Anyways the
fire department had to be brought in to knock hole in the wall to free
the guy - A 33 year old male. He was charged with b&e, intent and
breach of parole. He was probably a Yank. Probably lived in Plattsburgh
to boot <g>.
***
Two words dude - American propaganda. Your powers-that-be down there
are so jealous of the Utopia like existence we have up here that they
have to fabricate lies about how bad we are to keep Americans in
America, thereby ensuring a stable tax base for the government. It's
true. Uh huh. Would I lie?
***
But guns don't people and all that. What fucking moron would give a 12-
year-old a shotgun? Unbelievable. Merry fucking Christmas. BOOM!!! God,
I love hating America <g>.
***
<anti American rant>
I just saw a news item on TV about Maryland Republicans holding a raffle
to raise funds for the local party. Nothing wrong with that right? Except
when 1st prise is a fucking semi-automatic handgun!?!?! Are you people
fucking nuts down there or what? A raffle to raise cash for a Government
party and the 1st prise is handgun? I can't say that enough times. I
can't believe it for one thing. How many fucking cases of morons becoming
morons with guns will it take for you wake up? There's a reason y'all
have the highest gun/handgun shooting/death rate on the planet - it's
because you all got the most guns!! Duh. I really hope the right wing
nationalist-patriotic-to-the-point-of-stupidity government types down
there really do erect a wall along the Canada/US border. It'll keep your
nuts out of my country. And to top things off about the raffle thing,
they interviewed the pencil-neck-geek who started the raffle thing and
he's this wimpy, weasely, middle-aged, viagra-sucking dork (read average
middle-aged right wing Yank) driving this huge-assed baby monster pick-up
truck and talking about having more raffles... I've never seen a more
blatantly obvious case of making up for an incredibly small dick before
on national TV.
</anti American rant>
Oh, and for the nuts south of the border who want to bitch at me for the
above bit - save your whining - I don't care. If I bother you that much
follow the unsubscribe instructions at the end of the issue.
***
I saw a news story about a bus terminal employee who, when asked by a
customer to buy a ticket to Ottawa, Canada - the capital fucking city of
Canada, well the dumbass employee couldn't find or figure out where
it was. She even admitted to having never heard of Canada. So dumbass'
supervisor gets his own little sound-bite news explaining how geography
isn't really taught in schools in Houston! Really, I'm not making this
up. Dumbass and dumberass. So the customer ended up on a bus going to
Ottawa, Kansas and a 40 hour trip ended up taking 3 days. Now I can
understand an average Yank (all the Yanks I know are above average) not
knowing where the fuck Canada is but an employee of a major national bus
company?!?!? Please, that's just plain stupidity. Blame Canada eh? I
don't think so. Blame southern inbreeding.
Hmmm...that last paragraph should be good for a dozen or so unsubscribes.
***
But, not wanting to trample on AFeXT's freedom of speech and all that
Yankee crap <g>
***
Funny that's what Canadians say about *everyone* south of the border...
except Morbus and Bunniee of course - it's the residents of Plattsburg
we're worried about.<g>
:: JOKESHITE ::
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile
cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under
it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries
starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He
says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat
us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this? "The other
missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
:: ETC ::
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or if you just hate us and want to send in cheap
ass stolen poetry, type it up and send it in a note to v_d@iname.com.
Music that inspired this issue: TV Themes - Various
AC/DC - Back In Black
NIN - Further Down the Spiral
The Offspring - Americana
This issue is composed of mechanically separated beef by products.
Next issue May 9/00
__ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __
__ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __
__ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __
Seeing as it's Morbus' birthday today I won't make any disparaging
comments here about him.
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe ViewerDiscretion
TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion
...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
__ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __
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