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Viewer Discretion vol. 2 issue 5 Sept. 28:99
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\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 5 vol. 2 Sept. 28/99
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
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T h e r e a r e 9 4 d a y s r e m a i n i n g . . .
In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
QUOTABLE SIMPSONS - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M.
SHADES OF CHRISTINE SHITE
RUDOLPH IS IN THE RED - SUBMITTED BY ANTIPRESS
MIASHITE
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "let's pick on A-P" issue. Whatever. First off, for
those of you who didn't get it, last issue was a joke. Actually it was
more than just a joke - it was my lame assed of saying I was to
freakin' busy to put fingers to keyboard to pound out something so what
you saw was what you got. And here is what a few of you had to say:
Paul L. thus spoketh:
> Comment on THE JOURNAL OF SEDENTARY LIFE:
>
> I will not dare to say that this is the best issue of VD I have ever
> seen. If an elegant paradox, it would be an excessively controversial
> statement...
>
> My congratulations to the editor nevertheless.
>
> frankly, it was funny.
Thanks Paul - spoken like someone who teaches philosophy... But I
wonder - if you didn't read it would it still be there? <g>
And our ever so eloquent pal AFeXT had this to spew forth:
> You didn't link me! You son of a bitch! What the HELL was that about
> anyway?
Humour. Try it sometime mr. miserable pigmy-pony boy.
> Funny, yet utterly unsatisfying.
I bet your girlfriend said the same thing about you last night <g>
And everyone's favourite media critic A-P even decided to bellow forth
from Splattsburg:
> So what else have you been up to besides wasting bandwidth?
Uh...wasting even more bandwidth reading various online rags
like...AntiPress <g>
A-P also added:
> We think "Sedimentary" is a more apt word...
Yeah, just the response I'd expect from someone from Splattsburg?!?! (What
the hell does that mean?) But you know what? After reading your
bitching I figured the best way to get back at you was to go out and
buy the new Stephen King novel - Hearts In Atlantis. And so I did.
Muhahahahahahaha.... Bite me muthafugga!!! <g>
Oh well, enough of last issue lets go a little further back to even
older emailshite and we find that AFeXT had this to say after our
Britney Spears mailing list sub-a-thon threat:
> Link you!?
>
> Sure! (Bastard)
>
> I'll get that up as soon as possible..
>
> Even if you did call me a pigmy-pony boy with homosexual fantasies...
>
> At least it makes me laugh... Kinda..
>
> I am deeply emotionally scarred though, because I'm never going to
> get over the fact that you did, in fact, call me a pigmy-pony boy,
> that REALLY hurts, man.
>
> You think you know a guy... *sob*
Get over it ya big baby. And through his tears he managed to also type
out this sentimental message about his favourite rag - VD:
> it's the only newsletter I go out of my way to read all the way
> through...
Can you say brownie (not to be confused with brown-eye) points?!?!? OK
you're redeemed. Everyone go and check out AFeXT's most incredible,
unbelievable, fanfuckingtastic site: http://www.blairwoods.com
AFeXT was also featured in an L.A. Time's article as well but the link
is no longer active so I can't point you to it. I guess he's been
sucking up to more than just VD lately...slut <g> Well, if you have an
archived version of the LA Times article somewhere online there AFeXT
let me know so I can let the vast multitudes of readers know as well.
We wait with baited breath (and that's not cause we live in
Splattsburg) <g>
Ok enough of that drivel - try this drivel instead - Andrew M. decided
to send us some unsolicited Haiku shite (what people won't stoop to to
get published - what VD won't stoop to to publish some shite!?). So
here's his unabridged note:
> Haiku
>
> I'm a little peetot, stort and shout
> Here is my spandle
> here is my hout!
>
> regards,
> andy
>
> p.s. have you told your kids "FUCK YOU" today???
Uh...no. But I'm about to tell you... <g> But you know what? For some
really juvenile reason every time I read that fucking haikushite I
laugh - it's just so......stupid...
In completely unrelated news... Here's an advance notice for y'all
about an up and coming new webzine that looks real promising:
*spark - exploring electronic consciousness...
http://www.spark-online.com
*spark will be launching its first issue this Saturday, October 1. So
go there check it and you can tell people that you were there right
from the start... Good luck Kristopher...
OK. So the last issue joke is over. Here's a real issue, real being a
subjective term so don't bother sending any notes there A-P <g> . Quit
bitching and start reading bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla.....
:: QUOTABLE ::
"fuck the rest and stab it dead"
-T. Reznor _Somewhat Damaged_
"Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice."
-Foghorn Leghorn (submitted by Andrew M.)
"You can't be a real country unless you have a BEER and an airline. It
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear
weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER."
-(the late great)Frank Zappa (submitted by Andrew M.)
"I would rather have roses on my table than diamonds on my neck."
-Emma Goldman (submitted by Andrew M.)
"I would rather have tulips on my organ than roses on my piano"
-unknown
:: QUOTABLE SIMPSONS - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M.::
Once again Andrew has supplied us with some funny quotes from his list.
If you want his quotes sent directly to you then drop him a line at:
amiller@teleport.com and say please....
THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddies, and kids
with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're
making a scene.'"
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaselling out of things is important
to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now
quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time,
just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good
night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win
or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in
every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear
Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get
you through life. Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good
idea, boss.' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"
:: SHADES OF CHRISTINE SHITE ::
I read an article in last Sunday's Toronto Star news rag about Stephen
King buying the van that damn near killed him. Apparently he got his
lawyer to contact the van owner - and person who ran King over - Bryan
Smith to purchase the vehicle for $1500.00 US. King plans to "take a
sledgehammer and beat it!" King also said that he must now wear wide
bottom skateboard pants to hide some cyborg metal attachments on his
leg. Sounds like another novel in the works...
I actually only included this little tidbit to piss off A-P <g> And I
only include those little "<g>" emoticon thingies cause they piss him
off too. Everything pisses him off. He's like, the fucking Grinch Who
Stole Splattsburg. hehehehehehe <g> <g> <g> <g> <g>
:: RUDOLPH IS IN THE RED - SUBMITTED BY ANTIPRESS ::
Speaking of A-P... He did manage to send us this amusing article from
_The Gazette_, Montreal, Sept. 16 edition. His comments follow the
article (After the **** thingies - "thingies" is the special word of
this issue). Anyways, here's the article:
'Really poor' reindeer highlights hardships of living on welfare
By Darren Decker _The Gazette_
Christmas is still more than three months away but that didn't stop
Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer from making an appearance in Cote des
Neiges yesterday.
But there is nothing festive about Rudolph's visit to the Cote des
Neiges welfare office.
Rudolph was, in fact, a member of the Project Genesis Social Justice
Committee dressed up in a reindeer costume.
Project Genesis, a Cote des Neiges-based grass-roots advocacy
organization, organized the rally to draw attention to the more than
$500 million the federal government has cut from welfare benefits since
1996...
As part of yesterday's rally, members of the Social Justice Committee
set up a scenario where due to downsizing at the North Pole, Rudolph
suddenly found himself unemployed.
Also, according to the scenario, because he put himself in a position
to be fired by giving away toys for free, Rudolph was refused
employment insurance and had to apply for welfare..."
****
And then A-P added:
You know how much we "enjoy" Xmas. Hope Rudolph gets hoof-and-mouth
from a lady reindeer of ill repute. (Maybe he'll hook up with three
of them-- ho, ho, ho.) And his nose will be really red when he starts
snorting coke. That's one flea-bitten icon we wouldn't mind seeing in
our headlights...
The best line in the article was this quote by an organizer: "Another
reason why we chose Rudolph was because a lot of people feel bad about
the poor between Dec. 15 and Dec. 31 but forget that this is a
year-long problem."
There's some truth to that but we don't believe that most people feel
"that bad" during the holidays. Hell, five seconds to throw a bit of
money into a Salvation Army pot as opposed to spending five hours on
finding "the RIGHT gifts", big $ flying all over. And the "working
poor" retail clerks, most of them seasonal, only get a small piece of
that action. (We speak from experience.) You want "social justice"?--
nail that fat jolly bastard up there at the North Pole who's been
fronting for the rich capitalistics for too long.
You know, if we weren't firmly attached to this cross, we'd come down
there and really kick some ass...
-Hmmm...Isn't he just a bundle of joy and glad tidings. Merry Fucking
-Christmas to you too there A-P, hehehehehe I heard they're selling a
-sense of humour on ebay - maybe I'll buy it for you...as a Christmas
-present....<g>
:: MIASHITE ::
MIA = Morbus Is Absent.
Has anyone heard from Morbus in the last two weeks? Last I heard from
him he was mumbling something about the Internet being his - he
invented it and we're all losers and he was on his way to Bubba's Bait,
Burgers and Gun Shop to show us all... Morbus you out there?
:: ETC ::
You can catch VD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. If you want VD delivered
to your mailbox, send an empty email to: v_d-subscribe@makelist.com
Conversely, if you don't want VD, figure it out (it has something to do
with empty mail and v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com - duh).
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to
v_d@iname.com or don't.
Next issue October 12/99
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Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"...
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
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...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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